HappyCabbie

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Retard keyboard.gif Warning! This user is a YouTube employee and cannot be flagged!


Breakingnews.gif Breaking news!
Fatness finally took its toll and finally this fat fuck has died.

HappyCabbie (A.K.A. Paul Garrett IRL) was a neckbearded manchild who had delusions of not just being popular and having lots of friends, but also of being a YouTube employee and a moral crusader of the interwebs, who passed his time flagging YouTube videos to get the channels that uploaded them ban hammered. Curiously during all of the many years that he has been on YouTube, he's somehow managed to avoid being banned for his own misleading channel description in that he is neither happy or a cabbie. Maybe it's because the channel name YouTube Favicon.png SadLonelyCunt was unavailable.

No homo


History[edit]

The fat fuck trying eat one of his creations
Cabbie originally started out on YouTube by making inoffensive videos about how to make giant cocks using party balloons. These videos turned out to be very popular with young children and the kinds of internet retard who like to lick their computer screen to see if it tastes like strawberries. This was probably because they all thought that he was in fact a talking balloon. Cabbie had so much initial success with this that, according to the official story, he ditched his day job, and decided to make a go at grabbing some of the Jew gold on offer by YouTube, and it had nothing at all to do with him being shitcanned from his job as a taxi driver after he was busted by the police for cruising the local red light district looking for hookers while shitfaced.
So he signed up with the Machinima network and became a Youtube partner. Unfortunately, as it turns out, there is only so much of a market for videos featuring a sad fat bastard making life size models of Transformers robots out of party balloons so his monthly slice of cake wasn't as big as he expected it to be, especially after Machinima had helped themselves to a slice first. So poor Cabbie had to go out and get himself a job because, as it turns out, huge bags of potato chips are not free, so he supplemented his income by becoming a children’s entertainer, making balloon animals at children’s parties but sadly this didn't help. As luck would have it, it was about this time that the retarded and unemployable hobo and perennial lolcow Nick Bravo, who would later come to be known as Corky, found himself homeless and so, seeing an opportunity to have someone to share the bills and the rent with, Cabbie invited Nick to come live with him. This chain of events eventually lead to one of the more hilarious perpetual YouTube dramas when the two of them fell out, and a great many lolz would ensue.



He heard smoking slimmed
Cabbie smokes a twix to celebrate a job well done

How he practiced cocksucking
When Cabbie finally realised that he'd saturated the market for balloon sculpting videos, like all desperate attention whores who run out of steam and finally jump the shark (or in Cabbies case, eat the shark), he decided to get his tits out, film himself getting naked while covering himself in chocolate sauce in the shower and run around his apartment in his underwear, however jailbait he is not and what was seen by his viewers that shall never be unseen were his fat mantits, and his impersonation of a fat orca jumping up and down on a bed wearing just his stained Y-fronts which were pulled up between his asscheeks like a thong. A great many lunches were lost that day, and many young children who had clicked on the video sat in silence, before either bursting into tears or running to ask their mommy what the nice balloon man was doing.

Strangely enough the children’s party bookings seemed to dry up for some reason that Cabbie could never seem to put his fat finger on, so he decided to give balloon scuplting a rest for a while and turn his talents towards something else, so he decided to get in on the YouTube atheism drama instead. This also didn't go as well as planned either as, despite his claims that he was in constant touch and good friends with the folks at Google, the atheist community turned on him and bit him in his oversized ass, as time after time he demonstrated what an utter illiterate dumb fuck he is, and how pig headed he can be when it's pointed out that he's clearly factually incorrect.

Banned from YouTube[edit]

The fat fuck was finally banned from YouTube. It was mostly because he was flagged for being a complete loser. He blames the termination on a trademark violation. Which is as fucking stupid as it sounds. Because the only company willing to take such a stupid name, would be a child molestation company, because that is the only association with HappyCabbie one could think of.
And for further enjoyment will FattyCabbie stay off the YouTubes forever. No seriously.

 
 
Furthermore, in compliance with YouTube's rules, I will not create any new account nor will I access any of my old ones. To do so would be a violation of the Terms of Service.
 

 

—HappyCabbie, http://happycabbie.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/happycabbie-account-terminated.html


HappyCabbie Account Terminated.jpg










The Dailymotion adventure[edit]

Being banned from YouTube, Flaggy tried to go the competitor Dailymotion, to upload his shitty videos. With hilarious results. In less time than 2 seasons of 24, our hero was already banned.

HappyCabbie Banned From Dailymotion.jpg
JUST STAY OFF THE INTERNET LARDBOY

Sick lonely fuck[edit]

Foot Fetish[edit]

I WANT TO EAT THOSE FEET!!!!
Feet and beard? WTF?
Electric Boogaloo
Our hero said as he fapped away
Yes, our fat hero has a foot fetish. This is mainly because he's been unable to see his own feet since good old Ronald Reagan was in the whitehouse back in the 1980's.


The reason why FattyCabbie can't see his feet

HappyCabbie Points At His Fat Tummy.jpg

HappyCabbie Loves NaturallySierras Feet.jpg HappyCabbie MsTeagan Feet.jpg

HappyCabbie Ashley Renee Feet.jpg

Including 9 year old's feet[edit]

As if this overweight dumpster fire wasn't enough he can't be content with mature women, as detailed below. No, he liked to jerk his tiny dick to young children. This sick fat fuck actually went out of his way to reinstate a video of a child showing her feet, so that old lonely guys could pleasure themselves, because YouTube for once in its entire career actually removed something it should. What follows is the exchange that he had with the child, so far as to whining about his Skype not working. Yes, he wanted to contact a child, who showed her feet on YouTube, so he could help her get the video back up on the site again, so he didn't have to buy a hooker that week.

HappyCabbie Children's Feet 1.jpg
Do tickle videos on a second channel, so I can watch them there

HappyCabbie Children's Feet 2.jpg
Level your camera so I can get a better view of your 9 year old feet

He even tried to defend himself with a shitty blog, that basically amounted Archive today-ico.png Na-ah Which is fucking ironic because:

Buys a hooker[edit]

Because Paul is the size of a giant truck he can't pick up girls the usual way by using chloroform, so he spent all his YouTube money on buying a prostitute/pornstar. He had to pay extra to cum on her feet.

Relationship with Katt, who may or may not be his half-sister[edit]

The fattest man alive, Paul Garrett, actually found love that he did not have to pay for. This time it was a previously fat bitch, who had just undergone a YouTube Favicon.png gastric, meaning that when these two fatties finally tried to mate, it would not be like two ships colliding, and it could be done without YouTube Favicon.png destroying grandma's couch.

HappyCabbie Finds Disgusting Feet Sexy.jpg
SEXY FEET



Israel not in Asia[edit]

Last Thursday Cabbie proved that cabbies really do know where any place you care to mention can be found by telling the world that Israel is in the continent of Middle East, and that Israel couldn't be in Asia, because they look like Sand Niggers and not like Asians.

Despite numerous people telling him he was a retard who couldn't find his own ass, with both hands and a map. With others pointing to the Israeli government's own website which clearly states that their country is to be found on the Asian continent. Cabbie steadfastly refused to acknowledge that he might be mistaken. This is unsurprising as it is well known that anything with a mass the size of a supertanker will have difficulty doing a U-turn.


   
 
.. All the way from Eastern, I mean Western Europe - all the way to freaking China; one big landmass - all the way up to Russia - one big landmass, okay? Nobody considers like.. that's Russia up there, and then of course you got the Asian nations down over here, China of course being the bigger one, and of course you got Japan, and some of the other islands - and stuff like that. You know, and then of course you have the Middle-East, and then of course you have, you know, Africa, and then of course you have countries such as like Egypt, you know, which.. you know, is on the Northern part of Africa, but it is part of the Middle-East, nobody considers Egypt, you know, an African nation
 

 
 

HappyCabbie (the reason that we can't have nice things)[edit]

Being a fine upstanding individual with an understanding of what kind of content is suitable for family viewing, in their infinite wisdom, Youtube decided to make Cabbie one of only SIXTY SIX people out of millions that has magical flagging abilities that allows them to take down whole youtube channels with just a single flag.

This is because Cabbie makes family friendly content that is suitable for all age groups


WARNING CLICKING ON THE LINK BELOW WILL SHOW YOU SOMETHING THAT WILL HAUNT YOU UNTIL THE DAY THAT YOU DIE AND BEYOND


the new rick roll

False Flagging[edit]



Eat breakfast, take a shit, flag some videos


Appeal those false flags who doesn't exist
As an honorary YouTube employee that is content to be paid in assorted tat that the folks at Google occasionally find when clearing out the stationery cupboard, CrappyFlaggy is the guy to go to when you need to know about YouTube's policies and procedures, particularly when your videos get flagged down by him and his good friend Brett Keane.

According to Flaggy there is no such thing as a "False Flag", which on this occasion is not when a bunch of dirty Jews try to sink a US Navy warship and blame it on the sand niggers in the hope that the US will retaliate and bomb Egypt but rather when some homo flaggot decides to create some drama by reporting perfectly harmless and inoffensive videos to the YouTube moderators who will then sit down to view it and make an informed decision as to whether it conforms to YouTube terms of service and community guidelines, before deciding if it should be removed or not and the user who uploaded it should be shitcanned And it is totally not an automated process employing 25,000 Asians squeezed into a small garden shed just outside Beijing.

Flaggy staunchly maintains that all videos that are removed after being flagged were done so legitimately, unless of course, the video in question just happens to be one of his, in which case he gets butthurt and goes crying to YouTube begging for them to reinstate it which they always do because Happyflaggy is unflagable.


Great minds think alike

Seriously Flaggy, if there's no such thing as a "false flag" then why do you have so many videos on your channels that are mirrored copies of videos that were at one time or another unfairly flagged down?

But in all honesty, Flaggy is indeed an expert when it comes to flagging because Youtube has given him special flagging privileges that allow him and his friends to get over 10,000 videos removed in just one night, and every one of those 10,000 flags was entirely legitimate and Google had the Asians in their shed in China working double time checking each and every one of them.


Ovah 9000 !!!111!!!
But Cabbie, you don't have any friends

The Nick Bravo drama[edit]

How Cabbie hoped that him and Corky would one day solve their problems
Because SadFatty is such a fat idle bastard, as well as a sad lonely fuck on account of nobody ever being able to ever get close to him, Fatty decided to kill two birds with one stone and get himself a dancing gimp manslave, so when the opportunity arose and Corky suddenly found himself homeless, he invited him to stay at his home so he could get him to clean the puddles of piss and piles of urine-soaked toilet-paper off the bathroom floor, where Fatty deliberately left them so that Corky had something to do while fatty was out at work molesting corpses at the local morgue.

Things worked out well at first as fatty taught Corky how to ape around in front of the camera like a trained chimp for money, just as long as Corky agreed to share the same bedroom with him, separated by only a curtain, so that Fatty could secretly could jerk off to Corky's feet should when the urge arose, however that would be a physical impossibility given that Fatty hasn't been able to get his hands anywhere near his own cock since the late eighties, which is why Fatty would ask Corky to do it for him. Eventually this got too much for poor Corky, because spending each night with just a flimsy curtain between himself and a sweat covered flatulent elephant that demands sexual favors in lieu of rent is enough to send anyone running for the door.

Ignore the man behind the curtain and focus on the retarded gimp

It says a lot when a man will rather live in a battered, broken down van, parked up on bricks in a parking lot, than spend another night in Fatty's apartment.

This only resulted in hilarious drama that is still going on to this day, yet it didn't stop fatty from feeling so bad about everything that happened that, despite not having a pot to miss pissing in financially, he still went out and spent all his lunch money on buying Corky a brand new laptop.

SadFatty now hates Corky with a passion because he possesses Fatty's powerword, he's had Fatty's cock in his hand and he's heard Fatty fart the theme tune to Cheers during his sleep.


HappyCabbie and I - A Dramatic Reconstruction



Friends with Brett Keane[edit]

How their friendship works

The picture that crossed the line, so Happy and Brett are no longer friends.
The other picture that crosses the line
Yeah, I can't think of anyone either
Happy links Brett's e-welfare wishlist
Besides Nick Bravo, Happy also decided to become friends with another of YouTube's most loathed and hated scum, Brett Keane, presumably because they both had an avid interest in flagging videos and getting channels closed down. Even though Brett has attacked Happy repeatedly, Cabbie is still defending all of Brett's actions and insists that he still wants to be Brett's friend to the point of making video after video and tweeting tweet after tweet, begging him to take him back and be nice to him again.

Not surprisingly Brett's reply has so far been along the lines of "fuck that shit" as he repeatedly posts one video after another showing Cabbie being a lying bag of shit in his video site, BrettKeaneVideo.com because the truth is that all that Brett was ever interested in was getting a partnered Youtube Channel even if it meant kissing Cabbies ringpiece which means that he must have wanted that channel really badly.

Naturally, now that Cabbie managed to get Brett's channel shitcanned by using it to flag down countless channels advertising porn and get rich quick schemes, Brett suddenly has no need for Cabbie's services.

Cock-sucking and making up
Happy finally decided to apologize for the cockworshipping of Brett Keane
I will not respond to Brett, because he is my friend, and he loves me
Cry more, emoboy
Cry more, emoboy

Armed and Dangerous[edit]

Happy thinks he isn't safe with a nigger running the White House, so he got a gun to defend himself against dangerous carrots and diets.

It brings a new meaning to "Eats, Shoots and Leaves"


In reality Cabbie just wants a gun so that he can be a hero. Of course the only reason that anyone sold him one was because they misheard him and thought that he said "an hero"

Naturally in any armed confrontation, Cabbie would be more use as something to simply hide behind given that, owing to his ample bulk, any gunman that can hit the side of a house blindfolded could put a bullet in Cabbie before he could draw his weapon, even if they tried to miss as his gravitational pull would bend the projectile's trajectory towards him in the same way that the moon prevents asteroids from hitting the earth.

Seriously, the last children's entertainer who got dressed up as a clown and made balloon animals that they allowed to own a gun was John Wayne Gacy and he went to the gas chamber when they found the decomposing corpses of thirty young men hidden under his house after he'd tied them up and buggered them to death.

Maybe Corky had a lucky escape?

The Real Reason Why Cabbie Wants to Own a Gun[edit]

Of course, as if it wasn't already obvious, this is the real reason that Cabbie wants to own a gun


Dickless-Cabbie.jpg
The man has absolutely no penis

Also no balls

Leaving YouTube[edit]

HappyCabbie Off for just 3 weeks.jpg
Cabbie's sockaccount
After receiving a couple of DMCA's
Call the waahbulance.
and phone calls that resulted in him being fired from his new trucking job Fatass, decided to take the road of honor and flee YouTube. But because nobody cared, he had to create a sock-account to wish him godspeed. Of course it only took 3 weeks before Fatass in best Brett Keane style returned to YouTube.
EMO

Of course the truth, which HappyFlaggy wouldn't know if you put it between two pieces of bread and smothered it with mayo, is that, according to Socialblade, Flaggy's subscribers are abandoning him faster than a pie with legs as he's the only YouTube partner that actually loses subscribers every time he makes a new video.

Seriously, people actually stopped unsubscribing from him when he said he was leaving and started leaving again once he came back.

And the interwebs[edit]

   
 
Nobody at work knows who HappyCabbie is and I intend to keep it that way. I will no longer be posting online. I am sorry everyone.
 

 
 

—HappyCabbie, https://twitter.com/happycabbie/status/443618814945918977

AgentofDoubt Drama[edit]

The evidence

Although this piece of drama wasn't as spectacular as his fallout with Corky, it did have the potential to utterly destroy any last remaining vestiges of the good reputation that he may have once had.

YouTube Favicon.png AgentofDoubt had, by this time for over a year, produced a weekly video series where each week he listed out videos that had been flagged down for various reasons and the youtube channels that had been closed down because of those flags. For anyone with an intelligence above that of a jelly donut it was clearly obvious that AgentofDoubt was simply listing the videos and channels that had been reported to him, despite the reason for them being flagged, but because Cabby's head is full of marshmallow this vital fact completely passed him by, so when one week AgentofDoubt reported that a video starring Cabbies' old friend Corky had been flagged and that Corky's latest youtube channel had been shitcanned (most likely because it had been flagged to fuck by Cabbie himself), Cabbie was enraged because he thought that AgentofDoubt was expressing support for Corky by treating him like a human being and just reporting the facts, rather than mocking Corky and saying that he deserves to be taken out into the desert and remorselessly arse-rapped by dirty mexicuns and homos until he dies.

So Cabbie hatched a plan for revenge.

At first it was believed that this was a plan so diabolical that the only person alive that Cabbie could trust with such knowledge was his close friend and confidant, Brett Keane, who is renowned across the internet for his ability to take any dirty secret you might tell him to the grave, and not use it against you at the first possible opportunity, but this turned out not to be so when afterwards, Skype chatlogs started to surface showing Cabbie discussing the plan with people that he presumed would later, once the shit had hit the fan, completely forget all about the whole conversation and support him as a bastion of truth and justice.

This plan was to use a fake youtube account that had been set up many years previously, presumably to fuck with somebody else, and then to compile and then email a very long and detailed list of videos that had been flagged for racism and kiddie porn as well as the names of a shitpile of pedo channels that'd been ban-hammered and shitcanned, in the hope that AgentofDoubt would read them out in his video so that Cabbie could suddenly pipe up and, with righteous indignation, proclaim that AgentofDoubt was endorsing pedos and kiddiefiddlers and the Klan, which would incite the rest of the interwebs to collectively rise up against AgentofDoubt and pelt him with the internet equivalent of rotten fruit and ride him out of town on a rail.

Naturally, as this cunning plan had been devised by HappyCabbie, and because Cabbie assumes that his audience is entirely comprised of retards, the only person it was ever going to fool was Corky.

What actually happened is that when AgentofDoubt received an email out of the blue from a mysterious user called YouTube Favicon.png Hellen906 with pages upon pages of links to videos that'd been flagged for containing kiddie porn, the first thing that went through AgentofDoubt's mind was something along the lines of "how on earth does this person know about so many channels that contain kiddie porn?" which, let’s be fair, apart from being the obvious one, is a really, really good question that still hasn't been answered.

Consequently, when he published the list of channels on his blog and he talked about them in his weekly video, he was very careful to mark them up separately and point out that the list of channels had been provided by somebody else.

As soon as the video uploaded, Cabbie sprang into action like a coiled viper and posted a video calling AgentofDoubt out for supporting pedos, which caused the rest of youtube to collectively turn around and look at Cabbie and say "What the fuck?", given that AgentofDoubt had made it obvious that this wasn't the case.

What followed over the next week was a steady stream of videos and tweets going backwards and forwards between Cabbie and AgentofDoubt arguing about the matter until someone sat Cabbie down and explained to him, in words of few syllables that are easy to understand, that he should just STFU as he was making an ass out of himself by completely failing to understand that simply reporting on something does not mean that the person doing the reporting condones and agrees with what is being reported. At that point, the drama died down and nothing more was said about it...


...and then Brett Keane and HappyCabbie fell out.


As he stood behind Cabbie, Brett planted his size nine boot firmly on Cabbies fat arse and gave it a really good push, sending Cabbie reeling under a bus that just happened to be passing by, by uploading a series of videos to his website claiming that Cabbie was the mastermind behind the whole plan and explaining exactly what went on. Surprisingly Cabbie refused to counter the allegations because he still wanted to be Brett's friend, but what really cooked Cabbies goose was when AgentofDoubt put out a video pointing out that he kind of guessed it was Cabbie right from the start as Hellen906 was either a veteran radio and television presenter from the BBC, was the "child enthusiast" who owned the channels in question, or was the person who flagged all of those channels down.

Predictably, Cabbies response was that as far as he was concerned, the issue had been resolved and the matter was now closed because he neither wanted to man up to doing it or apologize.

AgentofDoubt proves that Happy is Hellen906
AgentofDoubt's Flags recap video (TL-DW)
Cabbie springs his trap
AgentofDoubt explains that reporting doesn't mean endoresment
Brett's video pushing Cabbie under the bus. Warning - contains Cabbie's mantits
AgentofDoubt points out he knew Hellen906 was Cabbie right from the start.


Seriously, when the lying, scheming, evil cunt that is Brett Keane holds the moral high ground when discussing the things that you've done, you really need to take a good long look at yourself in the mirror (or in cabbies case, a wide look) and reassess the direction that your life is headed.


Who Shot The Sheriff?[edit]

As if this shit isn't bad enough, it gets better.

Because access to the internet makes everyone experts at fucking everything, housewife and amature armchair internet lawyer YouTube Favicon.png RHPSmagenta had an epiphany and then decided to make a video about some other random point entirely, completely missing the elephant in the room wearing the oversized clown suit, with a balloon sticking out of it's ass, which is why HappyCabbie decided it was safe to write a blog post about it on his blog, however, this being Cabbie, while pointing out that RHPSmagenta was talking out of her ass, he couldn't stop himself from making everything worse with this comment...


looking for lolis


That's correct, you read that right, Cabbie is happy to tell us that he spends several hours every week searching for child porn, and it must be child porn because when Cabbie flags it, it gets taken down, because those asians crammed into that shed in China checking all of the videos that Cabbie flags agree with him and are never wrong.

So while it's true that sending pages upon pages of links to Youtube channels that had been shitcanned for posting kiddie porn to YouTube Favicon.png AgentOfDoubt isn't breaking the law, it's also true that AgentOfDoubt then showing these links in a video and posting them in a blog post isn't against the law either, because when you open the links, thanks to DeputyCabbie, you're greeted with a message saying that the channel has been shitcanned for ToS violations. However this was not the case when Cabbie accessed those links to flag them.

This raises two questions. Firstly, how did Cabbie know where to find several pages worth of channels containing child porn, and secondly, because Cabbie's tin star is entirely virtual and imaginary, as he's neither a sheriff, a deputy, nor even so much as qualified to make coffee for those that are, did he report any of these channels to police authorities as in many US states he's legally obliged to, or did he just flag them so Youtube could remove them.

Cabbie, I would stop right now because if you keep this up, by the end of the week you're going to end up telling us all that you've personally met every kid who has appeared on the side of a milk carton in your local area in the last three years, Madeleine McCann snores and you know this because she lives under your bed, and that you wanted to become a truck driver because the smell of all the dead bodies buried under the floor of your apartment is making you ill.

Seriously Cabbie, scam artists and software pirates are one thing, but child porn is something completely different. You just have to ask the last person who went on a one man crusade against child porn on the internet, just how that worked out for him. I think he wrote a song about it which, ironically enough, is used as the theme tune for a TV program about people who solve crimes, yet just like you Cabbie, arn't police officer's either

So, if you're reading this and you live in a state where you're legally obliged to report any incidents involving child sex offences to the police, then the following information may be useful to you.

Rest In Pieces Fat Prince[edit]

This fat fuck actually fucking died from his morbid obesity and alcohol abuse, by a disease called Cirrhosis.

HappyCabbie Cirrhosis Causes.jpg

Bet you wished you didn't eat all those twix



"Please no negative comments I WILL delete them"

Gallery[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

http://pastebin.com/ShLniCC2

Cabbies Socialblade Stats[edit]

http://socialblade.com/youtube/user/HappyCabbie
http://socialblade.com/youtube/user/FacepalmResponse
http://socialblade.com/youtube/user/TheHealthyChannel
http://socialblade.com/youtube/user/SuperVlogger


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HappyCabbie is part of a series on Dying Alone

[DeadCry yourself to sleep]

Poemo.jpg Those Who Have Died Alone

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Those Dying Alone

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Featured article September 22 & September 23, 2013
Preceded by
Lulz
HappyCabbie Succeeded by
Rebecca Watson