Heavy Rain

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You may have been looking for Chocolate Rain. If so, fuck off and die.

Heavy Rain is a direct to Blu-ray movie/mundane task simulator based on the quicktime events of Indigo Prophecy (aka Farenheit to the Eurotrash). You assume the role of several characters in an attempt to solve a super deep mystery involving murder, love, fuckin' journalists, fatherhood, and pressing X to JASON. It has received mainly positive reviews from film critics for its limited gameplay and low replay value. It was written by a bunch of cheese eating surrender monkeys that were too lazy to actually hire American voice actors leading to horrible fake accents. HONG HONG HONG. Also it rains a lot in the game I guess.


Exciting gameplay footage.

You know when you make a first-person shooter, you just see ten seconds and you know what the game is about? When you see a game[Heavy Rain] that has no real reference, that is kind of different, it’s really difficult.


—Creator, David Cage, on pretentiousness

Some of Heavy Rain's most touted gameplay elements include shaking the controller to brush your teeth, pressing up to stand up, and pressing X to not die. OMGZ INNOVASHUN! It's almost like I'm playing a video game! One particularly exciting piece of gameplay has a rather fit looking FBI agent struggling to climb a moderately inclined hill. Holding down every single button on the controller for about five minutes apparently serves as a fitting analog for the slight hill's ascent. Oh and the fantastic gameplay doesn't stop there! You will soon find yourself stabbing a rapist doctor in the heart with a jigsaw and then sitting down on a chair!! There are even parts where the physics engine lets you press right on the control pad so you can lean against a wall. JESUS FUCK GOTY.

Controlling the characters is like trying to tell a deaf cat where to go by shouting at it. You hold the R2 button to walk. It's like the game designers have a terrible aversion to intuitiveness. When the game decides to respond to input, you can move the analog stick to direct them around. Oh, is that you walking directly in to a wall repeatedly? Well, Heavy Rain doesn't give a fuck. You will walk in to a wall and you will like it.

This game is so hardcore that you can't even lose. No matter what you do, you can't die (usually). The decisions you make and the actions you take will lead to different outcomes. Just like real life. Well, not your life, but you know what I mean.


You will press X to Jason SO FUCKING HARD.

Playable characters


Heavy Rain Drinking Poison.png
I think Heavy Rain is a pretty cool guy, eh drinks poison and doesn't afraid of anything.


One of the interesting characters. This dude is a bad motherfucker. He cuts off his finger, shoots people, crawls through sharp glass and he drinks poison every day. Do you do any of that? NO I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO. YOU ARE NOTHING. He fucking loves his kids and fucks hot chicks. He also presses X to JASON like every motherfucking day.

Also, he is one of the only characters whose voice actor does not consistently have a terribly awkward fake American accent.

Nahmen Jaydun



—no u

FBI agent Nahmen Jaydun is a drug addict who helps solve the case of the Origami Killer. He cures his withdrawal by putting water on his face, seriously. He also uses his magical sunglasses that point out where evidence is. He has an affinity for orchid pheromones, tire tracks, and commenting to ARI (his sunglasses). During his investigation scene, the player gets to choose whether to do quick time events on a mountain, underwater, in a forest or on Mars. He also talks to an imaginary butler who tells him to stop doing drugs. Basically he's batshit insane. His favorite pastimes include stopping his lover Lieutenant Blake from hitting people or just watching him do it and enjoying it. His Britfag accent is extremely transparent.

Scott Shelby

I am the Origami killer.


—lol no ur not

Undoubtedly the best character in the game, he is certainly not the Origami Killer even though his brother died in rainwater, even though he is going around collecting evidence so he can destroy it at the end, even though he kidnapped Shaun and kills kids so he can find a father that is willing to save his son. Even though he makes animal origami figures for a living, he's just a "private eye" "hired" by the "families of the victims" to "solve the case". American voice actor.

Madison Paige

I am a whore.



The token woman of the game. Her missions include taking a shower, getting raped by a drug-dealing doctor, stripteasing, and fucking Ethan. She is also a whore.


Heavy Rain Jaysun.jpg

Hero of the game. Finds the Origami Killer after months of painstaking research and brings him to justice.


<video type="youtube" id="46ENHaGpM-s" width="200" height="200" desc="Quick time events." frame="true" position="right"/>

Moar info: Game.

Many have disputed whether Heavy Rain and similar games are in fact, games. Let's analyze this. From the infallible Wikipedia, a game is defined by the following:

"A game is a structured activity, usually undertaken for enjoyment and sometimes used as an educational tool. Games are distinct from work, which is usually carried out for remuneration, and from art, which is more concerned with the expression of ideas. However, the distinction is not clear-cut, and many games are also considered to be work (such as professional players of spectator sports/games) or art (such as jigsaw puzzles or games involving an artistic layout such as Mahjong solitaire)."

Looks like you lose again, cockfags. It's a game, even though you can't lose at it.

Heavy Rain IRL


See also

External links

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