Hema

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Hema, or Historical European Martial Arts, is a new cancer on the 1 post a day board known as /asp/

This loose definition covers a wide variety of "combat sports" ranging from old standbys of adult nerd-dom like the SC(G)A(Y) to the new age brand of yuropoor nerf sword fencing, to crazy czechs and russians beating each other in full armor with reckless abandon, known as BOTN. No matter which subset posts a thread, each other faction (read as one of the other 3 people on /asp/) start a 300 post, month long flamewar about how much the specific "sports" they don't do are for cock gargling faggots.

There are a few basic subsets of the typical HEMAfag on /asp/ and the occasional FUCK YEAR MELEE WEAPONS thread on /k/

The Closet LARPER: "SCA is hema too!"[edit]

Autism speaks

The Society of Creative Anachronism is what happened when a bunch of neckbeards in the 80's decided D&D and larp weren't hardcore enough, but that real swords are scary. Despite never reading a period source, the SCA deals in the TOTALLY HARDCORE realm of "viking wrap cuts" and a bastardized version of nippon kendo

The typical member is a 30-40 something neckbeard who lives with his parents or in a shitty, piss smelling apartment. He owns a suit of armor made out of 5 gallon paint buckets and upholstery leather, with a homebrew chain shirt made from craft wire. Rather than use these things called swords, they use ultralight "weapons" made out of Duct tape and rattan, which is like wood but lighter and SUPER STRONK NIPPON BAMBOO.

Their greatest enemies are other combat groups that use real swords... or real techniques. IE everyone else that considers themselves to do HEMA. The only thing greater than the Autistic hatred of a butthurt SCA member is the autistic hatred of literally everyone else who claims to do the sport towards them, who honestly wish these people would finally die of diabetes.

The Perturbed Yuropoor[edit]

the most dangerous weapon known to man... nylon nerf swords

Basically around the early 90's, some krauts decided to dust off some old fighting manuals and revive the multi thousand year long tradition of European martial combat. Unfortunately the Old masters were jealous, passive aggressive, petty assholes and left us with the equivalent of a P90-X commercial, so it's been a long journey.

The typical characteristics of a yuropoor HEMA practitioner

  • always right, at least in their own mind. Since their specific group's interpretation is obviously the only right one
  • owns a full suit of ABS motorcycle armor for fighting with foam swords
  • has not picked up a sword in recent memory
  • swords are illegal in their country

Russians with Hand tools[edit]

niggas getting blasted

Eastern Europe is a scary place, which is why they have a scary full contact version of medieval tournaments. Real swords, real armor, and real tactics and techniques. Faggots argue that is "sporterized" because you have to knock down your opponent in open field battles. these super l33t operators of course say so as they run around in tights lightly tapping each other with foam swords. Y'know, the real shit. The only problem is that Russia always wins, since they field a team of roided Ivan Dragos led by Vladimir Putin in disguise. In all seriousness, the entire russian team is spetsnaz and ex-KGB.

The yuropoors hate it because

  • you can actually get hurt, so it's scary
  • personal "skill" can be easily overwhelmed by unit tactics, while you fight a 7ft tall man bear hybrid powered by the soul of lenin
  • it is more entertaining than blossfechten (a fancy german word for sword fighting without armor)
  • deep down they know it is cooler than McDojo fencing practice

YouTube[edit]

External links[edit]

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Hema
is part of a series on
the ED Special Olympics
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