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Heterosexual

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
(Redirected from Heterophilia)
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The fate of most heteros...
Heterosexual men don't know whether or not they should fap to this.
Typical Homosexual Heterosexual Behavior


Heterosexuality is a disease whose symptoms include abortion, teen pregnancy, domestic violence, child abuse, divorce, nagging, denial of secks, and incest.

Heterosexuality is the leading cause of pregnancy and venereal disease. The only reason why heterosexuality is still around is to propagate homosexuals, since gays have evolved past the necessity of reproduction in order to ensure the prosperity of the group as the breeders(or human incubators) take care of this issue for them. Homophobia, a staple of heterosexual culture, is put simply: gay envy.

The heterosexual male tries to find a way to return to the womb by exploring a woman's vagina. In addition to this subconscious wish for incest, heterosexual men have a greater propensity for rape, domestic abuse, and pedophilia than fags. Rape and abuse are the straight man's way of saying "I love you".

Results of heterosexual intercourse

So totally not gay~
  1. You get a screaming bundle of joy, instead of that bitchin' Camaro, motorcycle, or pretty much anything else that's awesome.
  2. For the male, there is the constant presence of a fugly, potbellied pregnant lady constantly eating pickles, who's never gonna regain the figure she had before pregnancy.
  3. A near year of stressors that age you physically. Denial of secks, and the male having to do a bunch of extra work for the female who will have her own list of burdens to struggle through, such as waddling around like a fat duck who can barely support herself.
  4. Cleaning diapers. There's going to be a whole lot of lemonade/fudge play going on among heterosexual parents.
  5. No sleep whatsoever, only the bloodcurdling screams from the baby. A screeching baby that transforms into an annoying toddler; an annoying toddler that transforms into a bratty adolescent; a bratty adolescent that transforms into a crackhead teen; a crackhead teen that transforms into a dependent young adult who will still be living off of you until age 30, at which point (s)he will put your elderly ass in a nursing home.

Comments often made by heterosexuals

It is very possible that the male partner can go the entire romantic relationship without ever hearing his female partner because he's busy staring at her boobs whenever his female partner speaks. The initial words of his female partner may catch his attention for a millisecond, but once that millisecond is up, the male partner's attention is deflected towards her boobs because remember, in the straight male's mind nothing else about the female is worth the time of day.

  • "We’re getting a divorce and will volley our offspring back and forth via a bunch of legally set up visitation crap. Don't forget all the hostile interactions that we'll have that will most likely end up on trash TV, forcing the little guy to suffer for his entire life with no alternatives but suicide, or running off to San Francisco and washing his hands of the entire heterosexual experience."
  • "That dude I screwed last night took off this morning and now I'm pregnant. Now my baby isn't going to know his daddy."
  • "What do you suppose we could get for the brat in Thailand?"
  • "I didn't know parenting would be so much responsibility. I'm outta here LATERS!"
  • "Yeah, I'm married, but she isn't around."
  • "MWM seeks blowjob from GWM, aged 15-20. Discretion required."

Why straight men are pansies

The Sad Truth
In nearly every heterosexual relationship these days, the women call the shots in the family. The good old days when men were laying down the law are over. Television highlights the typical heterosexual relationship perfectly: women accustomed to making their husbands their bitches. Most likely some kind of revenge fantasy for having to babysit 40-year-old manchildren all day. As just a few examples, Roseanne Conner, Debra Barone, Carrie Heffernan, Lois from Malcolm In The Middle, Rochelle from Everybody Hates Chris, etc.

Women being scared of their men is an outdated concept. Constant cases of women emasculating their men because straight men can't stand the fuck up to women are always classic and lulzworthy. Said women have recently come up with a method of controlling their men through the refusal of sex, a problem never present in the gay community. Since both males are dtf, they don't have to deal with that bullshit, and the romantic relationship is smooth sailing.

Alex Jones Tells It Like It Is


Hetero men and women are born and raised to be complete opposites, but are expected to live together and start families. Heteros serves as an example of how OPPOSITES DO NOT ATTRACT. Luckily gays have the same interests and communication styles, resulting in healthy relationships based on equality. Straight people are still trying to figure this out.

Successful heterosexual relationships are generally the ones where the male agrees with everything his wife says, whether she is wrong or she's right (because straight women bitch like no other, and straight men are profoundly moronic), and the husband cheats on his wife in order to make up for the fact that he's lost his fucking testicles.

Because Straight couples hate each other, they refuse to allow gays to marry. See: Homophobia

Effeminacy and Heterosexuality

Homosexuals are erroneously connected with effeminacy by many heterosexuals. These heterosexuals are just presumptive and wouldn't assume a manly man walking down the street is gay even though it's wholly possible that this manly man is gay or bi. Despite that, the anti-gay heterosexuals tend to assume all the campy guys are gay and all the manly guys are straight. They never assume manlier guys are gay or the in-between of bisexual when slews of them are, just as slews of effeminate men are str8. Hell, there's even a word devoted to effeminate straight men: the metrosexual male. The popularity of straight men acting metrosexual has grown immensely. With str8 men like Chet of the Real World [1], the Backstreet Boys and Nsync, it's astonishing how so many heterosexual connect effeminacy with homosexuality.

Warnings for Heterosexuals

Males

Just a warning out to you heterosexual gents: women put on a bunch of make-up and will give amazing head on every date you go on with them prior to marriage. Don't be surprised when a couple days after you say "I do", she's won and will change drastically in both appearance and behavior. By the way, if you guys thought you were getting someone out of your league on your wedding day, you're sadly mistaken. That would be make-up, doing wonders. Little known fact: physically speaking, women age faster than men.[2]

Females

Just a warning out to you heterosexual ladies: you outlive men, so good luck spending your golden years all alone because your man died on you, you sad and pathetic bunch of widows. Have fun hobbling around on your own with no one to talk to but the wall, or of course your adult children who really have no interest in your life and are secretly hoping you die so they can cash in on the inheritance.

Homophobia

Homophobia, or gay envy, is a big deal in the straight community. Gays are pretty much the superior race and know how to have a good time(110% of heterosexual women agree), and the straighties hate them for it. Similar to women's cock envy of men, men have gay envy of homosexuals. Through the transitive property, women also have gay envy of homosexuals. And cock envy. Explaining the experimentation with other chicks and the exploitable obsession with gay men.

Also, gay men are effortlessly surrounded by dozens of women who want their John Thomas, and straight dudes can't deal. Straight men see a vag and can't figure out what the fuck to do with it, and are known for having group forums on how to handle it. Dumbassery at it's finest.

It's well known fact that the gays get all the ass they want anyway and never have to worry about an eggo in the preggo, which stresses straight men to no end. That and the fact that gay men and women are more interesting than breeders by far. This combined with their repressed sexuality and being on the receiving end of handjobs from their best friend since they were 9, culminates in an increase in hostility towards the gay community as a whole and is a form of self-loathing for being a horrendous hetero.

Eventually the majority of straight men begin to realize that yelling the word "faggot" doesn't change shit; so "if you can't beat em, join em" comes into play and thus we have bi-curiosity.

Recent studies have utilized cutting edge technology to show positive correlations between homophobia and homosexual tendencies in men. Remember kids, the same guy calling you a fucking fairy, is the same guy wearing his moms heels and trolling craigslist for discreet gay poon.

Identifying Heterosexuals

According to a Google Image Search, this is what the ever-elusive heterosexual man looks like.
Heteros? With hair like that? Bitch, please.
If this doesn't make your dick twitch,you are not a heterosexual.

Males:

  • if above 25, they have not gotten laid in quite some time
  • General ignorance
  • Mindless personalities that match their monotone "I'm a dude" voices.
  • A chav, douchebag, or guido. All closet cases.
  • Avoidance of child support.
  • Unsafe around little girls.
  • Finds Dane Cook funny.
  • Knows endless information about sports, operating machinery, what he did with his 'buddies' last night, etc.
  • Represses his feelings and compensates by acting like a douche and getting plastered. Insecurity is not pretty my friend.
  • Roid Rage. (and other kinds of rage)
  • Has watched Meatspin to the point of being considered gay, but will still deny the fact.
  • Calls you a faggot because you like to watch Basketball instead of Football, which makes perfect sense.
  • Extreme levels of Unwarranted Self-Importance
  • 50% of straight male conversation is devoted to Sports (ironic, considering some sports are about big, sweaty men rubbing on each other) 30% is doublespeak, meant to hide their attraction to their fellow "straight" friends (actually that sounds a little homo...), and the other 20% is about their cock (gaydar readings of over 9000). Pie Chart pending.
  • If all else fails, stick a cock in his ass. If he has an irrational violent response, he's probably a heterosexual.
  • If he responds favorably: heterosexuality is equally probable.
  • Jealousy of homosexuals
  • Will go to any lengths to deny their love for the cock

Females:

  • Cry a lot
  • Cannot field-strip an assault rifle
  • Cannot name more than three Indigo Girls songs
  • Get almost raped a lot
  • Pretend to be lesbian in order to garner male attention.
  • Feminazi

Both:

  • Have complexes
  • Unstable when angry, and tend to bitch slap
  • Pussies

On a side note, notrious heterosexuals include: Osama Bin Laden, Hitler, Stalin, George Bush, Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, and other shit stirrers. In short, straight people are prone to being either terrorists or retarded.

Don't drink in mixed company

Homosexual Interactions with Heterosexuals (aka "Dances with Breeders")

CHB keeping it real.

Interactions with Male Heterosexuals

  • Fags: Heterosexual males are all secretly gay, and dress and groom poorly merely to divert attention from their inner queer. Another known fact that proves this is that men like to watch other men get sweaty, spank each other and play with balls (also known as sports, an archaic way of displaying dominance over all of the other closet cases). Likewise, it turns out men really have no problem showering or comparing penis sizes with other men. In fact, one of the ways men prove how manly they are is by participating in circle jerks with their "open-minded" friends. Gay men should keep this in mind at all times and flirt with them shamelessly. Remember: the free $100 Barney's gift certificate is available every ten recruits.
  • Dykes: Heterosexual men will either ask you exactly what it is you do in bed, or will attempt to involve you in a three-way with their heterosexual (or possibly bi-curious) girlfriend. In response to the former, make shit up—the more physiologically or morally unlikely, the better. Bonus points for including any sort of complex mechanical or electrical apparatus that does not belong in the pu55y, such as in-ground garden sprinkler systems. For the latter, see above. If you come to the man's house and you find out his bi-curious girlfriend doesn't actually exist and this was all a lie to have sex with you, you can do two things. A). Pretend you were almost raped and bitch about it on Livejournal or B). Rape him in the ass with a strap on.

Interactions with Female Heterosexuals

  • Fags: Heterosexuals are known for being several months to several years behind the curve on all things stlyish (particularly those that involve fabric for some reason). For this reason, heterosexual women will ask you to give them makeovers, redecorate their apartments, or go shopping with them—or worst of all, teach them to smoke a pole. No matter what you do, do not give in to their requests. As the saying goes, you can lead a whore to Prada but you can't make her think. As with baby birds fallen from a nest, it's best to let nature take its course. No one likes a gay guy with eighty billion dateless straight whores clinging to him like those little maggoty things in the Chamber of Ordeals from Twilight Princess. Heterosexuals (male and female) will suck the awesome out of you until you become an arrogant, fashion-retarded douche. Females do this in hopes that you will come to enjoy being an arrogant, fashion-retarded douche SO much that you will be compelled to give them teh cock and become straight. The best thing to do is make them think their "magic" is working, and use them to seduce their straight boyfriends.
  • Dykes: Heterosexual females will annoy the shit out of you with bullshit like "ur so lucky to be a lesbian omg cuz u dont have to suck dick." They will complain to you about men incessantly, hoping to play on your natural inborn hatred of teh cock. This is an excellent opportunity to get them to fill out an application. Start by agreeing that leaving the toilet seat up is an unforgivable sin (even though you yourself probably pee standing up), then gradually work towards loaning her your Birkenstocks and maybe even taking her to a Womyn's Music Festival. Before you know it, you'll be one step closer to your monthly quota. If the dumb bitch's incessant whining becomes too much, you can always give her an application to gurochan instead.

Super Powers

Heterosexuals possess the creepy ability to make new people out of nothing, a form of black magic some seek to eradicate while others believe this entitles them to be treated like gods. The process is incredibly disgusting and is akin to something one may have seen in the movie Alien. It should be noted that Mormans and Mexicans are gradually using this ability to populate a second Earth.

Heterosexuals are also known to possess a sonar which allows them to detect homosexuality from a mile away. Although some argue that this is achieved merely by labeling anyone who doesn't talk about their dick at least once every five minutes as gay.

Straighties come in five distinct types: d-bags, secret d-bags, sluts, secret sluts, and Ma-Ti (with the power of androgynous furfaggotry). By their powers combined they are Captain Shitstorm and are single handedly fucking up everything, one holocaust at a time.

See Also


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