The Homeless are a species of sentient, humanoid beings who seek to live a communal life free of modern society's crushing standards and suppressing morals; a society that can freely trade sexual favors for controlled substances, does not poison itself with soap, and prides itself on drinking irresponsibly. They are easily approachable and typically friendly, so ensure that you support their nutrition with donations for alcohol and heroin. If you ever feel threatened at all during an encounter, remember that they are quite flammable and also vulnerable to vehicles moving at highway speeds.
Birth of a Hobo
The Homeless spawn from two main locations- Housing Projects and the Basement. Your standard bum was either born into poverty and was probably a crack baby thanks to the good parenting of the ghetto, or as in the future case of you, was a basement dweller who spent too much time fapping to guro on /b/ and was finally kicked out of the house by mom and dad despite the fact that after twenty-five years of existance you still haven't developed a single useful life skill. Upon hitting the streets the newly formed hobo will blame all of their shortcomings on their parents, their high school gym teacher, Obongo, and Jesus, and then promptly develop a harrowing crack cocaine addiction, thus completing the transformation into a fully fledged bum and ensuring that they will never be able to rejoin normal society again.
How to Spot
Hobos are generally fairly easy to spot, as they are even dirtier than your average white trash/black person specimen, and also smell significantly worse. They have torn and tattered clothes, huge bushy beards, and bandanas tied in random places all over their body. They are often seen carrying a sign explaining their predicament that totally has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol, or more likely, carrying around a brown paper bag with some sort of cheap whiskey in it.
Common Activities of The Homeless
- Waiting outside of convenience stores to ambush people who buy smokes.
- Going to public parks and scaring children by killing and eating the ducks there.
- Dumpster Diving.
- Giving blowjobs for rocks.
- Not getting a job.
- Attempting to clean your windshield at a stoplight, but really just making it dirtier than it was before.
- Asking if you can spare some change, or if they're the more adventurous type, holding up a sign that states "Will take verbal abuse for change".
- Collecting a bunch of aluminum cans, bottles, and other shit for recycling money.
- Telling you long winded stories about how their asshole husband kicked them out of the house, even though he was the one who cheated on her and who beat her and always ate the food and was drunk all the time and was a lazy bum who never did any work unlike her but most importantly he took all her cigarettes so can I just bum a smoke please?
- Getting killed by the pigs (police)
Dealing With The Homeless
- Run away.
- Kill it with fire.
- Just give them a damn cigarette.
- Tell them you're late for work, then ask "You know what that is, cunt?" before administering a falcon punch.
- Piss on them (only if they're sleeping on a bench or sidewalk- they can move remarkably fast when conscious, like all feral beasts).
How to Become a Hobo
Becoming a hobo has many advantages, such as acquiring a stench which can be sensed by dogs from anywhere in the world, getting FREE food, and feeling nature's wrath more intensely. You are already doing all of them except the last one so you dont have to try too hard.
- Tramp anon
- Casey Serin - for a while was claiming to live "off the grid", i.e. in his car
- Marc Griffin - inventor of Bulletball and Bulletball Extreme.
- The Great Depression
- You (after your mom kicks your lazy ass out of her basement}