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Not to be confused with mental hospital.

A hospital is a slaughterhouse for humans and other bipeds like Jews, gays, and Gypsies. Hitler later stole the idea of gassing undesirables from US doctors and the Rockefellers and finally combined it with German efficiency. Besides traffic cops and selfies, hospitals are one of the leading producers of guro, including the Pain Series. A hospital is basically an IRL shock site, and the real reason Muslims and Jews don't eat pork.

Who goes to hospitals?[edit]

The hospital (pronounced "hospital" for Britfags, as in "Blimey! Me mum is a proper slag 'n sicked awl ever 'n she's in hospital presently, cheerio!") is an expensive a free motel in first world countries where delusional wretches go to get sick or die. In third world countries like Americunt it is the most expensive motel imaginable and literally costs an arm and a leg for room service jello. People who prefer shitting at home often use a belt instead, while people who want to save money on the rental of a deathbed often check into a penthouse suite and blow their brains all over the wall with a solid gold bullet, or overdose on Cristal and morphine in Indonesia. Some bitter virgins prefer to take others down with them like a drowning mammal because they never got that Malibu Barbie Dream House they wanted.

How do hospitals make money?[edit]

A hospital is a place where mortal con-men wearing white because angels make an obscene amount of money on baby aspirin and factoids they heard on House that one time, in an effort to distract scared people from their inescapable death while their partners in crime pick their pocket and liposuction everything out of it. Most doomed animals can see the writing on the wall, but humans like to live in denial until the very last moment, and hippocratical people figured out how to make moniez off this. Once a hospital gets a panicked fish on the hook, they slowly reel it in until they can scoop out the eyeballs and put them in people that God never wanted to have eyeballs. Not even a hospital could save Steve Jobs and he was fucking rich so what do you think your odds are? We're gonna need some more tests and you need to lose some weight.

Know how in expensive restaurants there are no prices listed anywhere? Of course you don't. Hospitals are the same, but they are dumpster divers who get all of their offal for free from the automobile industry and cellphone industry. No-cost variety meats from these butchered animals are then sold at a substantial markup to McDonalds customers, sugar addicts, chronic alcoholics, and babies that God hates, while the family members of the deceased are pressured by ghouls into letting sick fucks cut up your mom for free while they defile her still warm corpse in a back room all for the lulz, unless she absentmindedly checked a box 5 years ago at the DMV in which case her corpse was always fair game. Family members get paid in "helpful feelings" while hospitals get paid in cold hard cash because profiting off of human organs is wrong Chinese. Hospitals are also what faggots use to give AIDS to science fiction writers, although Jehovah's Witnesses can see through these homosexual schemes.

In popular culture[edit]

Hospitals have been popularized in recent years due to medical propaganda shows like M*A*S*H, St. Elsewhere, E/R, Doogie Howser, M.D., ER, House M.D., Grey's Anatomy, Dr. Oz, and The Walking Dead. This has successfully fooled the public into believing surgeons, doctors, and nurses are human. The only people who work at hospitals are atheist serial killers who play God and fat Polynesian body-movers. Any emo faggot OTI who claims to suffer from depression has never set foot in a hospital, a somber shrine of human misery, suffering, and death. As a microcosm of the human condition, hospitals are what everyone spends their entire lives distracting themselves from, like with food, sports, animu, videogames, or by editing shitty wikis.

The benefits of hospitals[edit]

Hospitals are the leading cause of bankruptcy superbugs worldwide, whether it's Amerilard which enjoys profiting off of dying people since that's The American Dream ever since dirty Injuns were given hospital blankets, or France where at least 100% of people's income goes to treat chronic winos and frog amputees. In China, hospitals give people who ruined perfectly good organs with baijiu "new" organs harvested from prisoners who criticized Chinese politics. China leads the world in organ recycling, mainly by restaurants and makeshift street vendors.

American hospitals[edit]

In Murka, hospitals are those things that fat soccer moms heard about on Dr. Oz, which is the only medical advice most Americans can afford. Murka also forces people who prefer gambling in lotteries to use a shitty website to book their final motel accommodations. In other countries, hospitals are those things that people rave about where they can stand in line for hours and get pills, otherwise known as a "pharmacy" or "rock concert" or "music festival."

Elective surgery[edit]

Hospitals are also where anesthesiologists Frank Booth gives people gas that they don't know why it works so that psychopaths with knives can cut people open to see their guts in an effort to find which organ secretes empathy. Although in Amerilard, the procedure is mainly to tie a tiny fucking rope around landwhale stomachs so they stop eating so god damn much, or even cutting out half their fucking stomach because they're an "emotional eater." Because duct tape over their mouths would be too easy. This tiny "lap band" costs significantly more than tying a real "gut rope" around their mid-section to make them stop filling their god damn fat face 24/7, but don't suggest they tie an actual rope around their whalish belly, because that's fat shaming and hurts their feelings more than they've hurt their pancreas, insulin levels, and chairs. But hey, if it works for Chinese girls feets and ancient redskin skulls. Spanx are larger outer versions of surgical lap bands, since fatties are too fat for corsets anyway. Doctors may also put a balloon inside fatasses because fat people have an IRL inflation fetish, and this balloon can help clear McDonalds out of the tiny tubes that are the only reason your soul gets any oxygen. If a soul doesn't get enough oxygen, it flies back to Jesus since there's more oxygen in Heaven off in outer space.


Hospitals are also where drug addicts go to steal needles or feel better about themselves because their opium looks like candy and they're not smoking it out of a long ass pipe like dirty Chinamen or Afghanis. In the rare event that patients leave a hospital outside a body bag, known as a "miracle" by Christfags, hospitals will always take credit for it, mostly in the form of multiple credit cards to pay for medical bills that would be free outside America.