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House

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Wake up and smell the Vicodin!
See also: Vicodin

House is inarguably Anonymous's favorite show on TV, mostly due to the fact that it features an IRL troll as the main character. As an occasional meme on /b/, it is thought to be the only unforced meme in the history of /b/ and one that will nevar be old, because like Bleu Cheese, Dr. Greg House M.D. is an acquired taste. It is however a meme that is 60% funny and 40% fail. This disproportionate percentage of win/fail is due the immense number of fan/b/oys (Because, as we all know, the fans are the most important part of a show). It is notable that House is the only show that has caused Anons to shit brix with each and every episode, including the pilot.


   
 
It's not LUPUS
 

 
 

House

The Shameow

House is God.
Housecard.jpg

Writers for the show begin each work day by opening to a random page in a dictionary of rare medical anomalies and slamming one finger down on the page while blindfolded. Then they open a book of madlibs and giggle shit themselves to death because the script is actually copypasta it is a medical procedural drama (episodes are done following medical procedure, resulting in similarities between every episode) with said rare disease replaced every episode.

The show revolves around an old, crippled, bitter, misanthropic, leghurt, Vicodin addicted shaman Gregory House M.D. and his team of 1337 disease h4x0rs at a New Jersey hospital. House's original team consisted of Nigger, Chase, and Cameron, this latter supposedly loves the protagonist (a young woman is going to want a decrepit old man with Moai face... yeah, right...), but they all quit or were fired at the end of the 3rd season. However, they continue to lurk moar around the hospital and occasionally pop-up in episodes. House then rounded up a group of potential victims to fill the vacant spots and trolled the fuck out of them like they were on Survivor. In the end, House decided to keep #13, because she fills Cameron's role as the hot chick on his team and is a bisexual slut, Kumar, and some other guy named Jew, who got the role by being a filthy Semitic parasite. Additionally, Foreman is back on the team, most likely due to affirmative action. No, It was because House thought that Foreman was good at breaking into houses because he was black. RLY! His boss, Dr. Cuddy, is a pro-ana 16 year old girl pretending to be a 45-year-old woman who won't let House hit it. But that's okay, because they already did it when they were in college. However, there is some hope, as in the 7th episode in season 5, House and Cuddy start to make out, but House, being the faggot that he is, leaves after five seconds of tongue kissing. In the penultimate episode of season 5. He alone insanely imagined having sex with Cuddy, and since he's obviously off his rocker now, she took him to Wilson, his one, true love.

Then there's House's best friend and the sole voice of reason at the hospital, Dr. Wilson, whose personal life is moar fucked up than all the others combined because he's the sole voice of reason at a loony bin. Also because he's a Jew - in case anyone missed the spoiler in the pilot, they made it easy to remember by giving him the full name James Evan Wilson (which has got to be the WASPiest and least Jewish name in the history of Jewry). Recently, Wilson has took up with Amber, a minor chubby character, and one of the losing contestants in House's reality show used to replace his old team. After Amber dies, season 5 began, where Wilson is all butthurt about the cutthroat bitch's death that he broke up with House and deleted him from his friends list... but a few weeks later, suffering troll's remorse and still unemployed, he accepts House as his friend again. Obama kills Kumar and the series and the show goes boring but with good rating, Wilson's schizophrenic baby brother comes up a few times as a convenient plot device, but he's yet to be seen onscreen.

Modus Operandi

House is a old fat /b/tard
IT'S NOT LUPUS, CHASE. HURRRR

Because Dr. House believes and insists, at least 100 times an episode, stating that "everybody lies", he refuses to listen to their 'lies' That is: What they've been up to (usually cheating on their significant other or slamming illegal drugs, according to House, and is usually right) to get so ill. Thus, after ruling out lupus, he spends the rest of the hour torturing "genius" ideas out of his med students for the patients' further ruination before finally saving said patients from the edge of death at the last minute.

Lupus?

In Season One, Dr. House was attacked by a psychotic bunny with lupus and lost the use of his right leg.

Since then, he automatically runs each week's mystery-diseased patient through a series of tests to rule out lupus, which is suggested as a cause of every patient's symptoms in every episode.

If by some freak occurrence that it is not lupus, then the immediate alternative is that it is amyloidosis. Or Sarcoidosis.

Good Night Sweet Meme

NOVEMBER 20TH - IT WAS FINALLY LUPUS
GOODNIGHTMEME.jpg

Update: The meme status of House was called into question when the title of an episode in the sixth season was named "Epic Fail." Some /b/tards argued that House had committed meme suicide, while others reasoned that House had transcended meme status and had become something that had not yet been encountered on the interwebs. Many bricks were shat, as /b/tards everywhere could not figure out if this was win or fail. It is also noted that House lost the game in the episode "Epic Fail."

Basic Episode Summary

NIGRA HOUSE!
House fanboys have excessive spare time.
House with fellow Mr. Bean before coming to America, trying to attack them.
  1. Every episode begins with a person doing something. Then someone else falls over and their ass bleeds. Everyone screams. Occasionly the writers will think they're super funny and focus on some fat guy coughing, only for the guy two blocks away to fall over with an unexplained stroke. Everyone watches it online anyways and knows who's gonna die from reading the plot synopsis.
  2. House hobbles down a hallway to his office. As House is sitting in his office railing a few lines of coke, Foreman runs in and tells him that yet ANOTHER patient with a super-ultra rare one in a million foreign disease has just come in. House rolls his eyes, and continues to snort until the new white people tell him it's serious.
  3. House hobbles into the ER while taking some Vicodin and demands answers like a hard boiled cop, threatening to cut off his/her life supply if they lie to him; this usually results in him abusing the patient until they go into a massive seizure. At this point House throws up his hands and goes back to his office to play Metroid or Pokemon on his Gameboy advance. Several times between steps 2-4, the patient will appear to be cured, but suddenly develop another fucking symptom.
  4. House wanders around the hospital after clinic duty deeply annoyed, looking for Morphine to inject into his testicles. On his way, a colleague walks alongside him as they discuss the patient or personal lives, all whilst using complex medical terms that no one understands. This is also known as the "Chat walk." Even the writers know this is just crap filler- in the words of the doctor himself, "Walking looks good. It gives the illusion of the story moving forward."
  5. Some interpersonal drama occurs. Typically involves sex, Cuddy's inner struggle regarding becoming a mother, some sort of relationship problems, and sometimes the police.
  6. House sends his team to break into the patient's house to look for clues (standard medical procedure, by the way). This part is riddled with inaccuracies, such as how the white people know so much about breaking into houses, or how they never find a wife in the kitchen.
  7. Dr. Cuddy storms into House's office, giving him a bunch of shit about how he's not following protocol, endangering the patients' lives, and how she will have him fired. House basically responds to this guilt trip by telling her "TITS OR GTFO" and proceeds to throttle her with his pimpcane. She then bans him from touching the patient, and he goes and cries to Wilson, who says some serious yet touching bullshit. Then, a bit later, by looking at or hearing something completely unrelated to the medical case, in a bolt of inspiration House somehow connects it with some random-ass disease and knows in his heart it is the true diagnosis. Then House takes some more Vicodin.
  8. House walks down another hallway, punches his way in to the ER and tries a bunch of super-drastic last-ditch efforts to save the patient like injecting 15cc's of hobo semen directly into the spine and the occasional shocker to try to resuscitate the patient. The patient finally comes back to life and instead of thanking the doctors, they thank God. House again is rude and dissmissive and tells the patient he/she can thank god all day but they're only talking to walls and instructs his butthurt medical team to STFU, while limping out of the place. More Vicodin, in the meantime.
  9. House is back in his office raiding the pill cabinet and injecting heroin into his dick, as some song that was mentioned in or somehow relates to the episode, plays in the background. This is also where any other side problem in the episode gets solved in a last minute deus ex machina.
  10. It's only been lupus once faggot and it never will be again.
  11. House takes more Vicodin.

--Roll Credits--

Basically, House just about beats Pokémon in terms of narrative diversity.

An Episode Summary Through the Eyes of Anonymous

(taken from posts on /b/ during an episode of House)

  • THE DAUGHTER WAS ALL LIKE OH NO MY ARM BUT THEN THE MOTHER WAS LIKE OH SHIT I'M ACTUALLY THE ONE WHO'S SICK
  • DELICIOUS LOLI
  • oh wtf...the girl screams while falling but is completely calm in saying she broke her arm?
  • She likes it on the bottom, eh?
  • Damn, House is Pimpin on this episode.
  • OH SHI- BITCH IS BLIND
  • That prostitute is fucking cute, House is the man.
  • LOL WUT? I CAN'T SUCK NO COCKS FO' A WHOLE DAY YO?!?!
  • Watch: All the names in the hat are House.
  • HOU8SE CAN'T USE MACINTOSH
  • House is a 1337 h4x0r, he fucking 0wned that mac.
  • Lawl, MOOSE ON JEW!
  • Wilson did 9/11!
  • Fuck yeah, Donkey Show!
  • Donkey Show Blowjob? Nice.
  • Oh shit! Plot twist, she isn't the girl's mother!
  • What a twist!
  • Double Twist! She has a tit behind her knee!
  • A third tit behind her knee full of milk? I fucking knew it.
  • Knee Tit is now a meme.
  • Oh God, I came.
  • dude house just squirted a loli with a syringe full of milk.....this shit is kinky
  • MONEY SHOT
  • WTF? House is a Christfag?
  • House goes to church? Oh, but it was just to see his hooker patient, it's all right.
It's like they're staring into your soul. Classical House's drugged face from start

Simple Explanation Disaster

Unlike other crappy episodes which starts with bleeding out of every seven hole of a minor, this episode was uniquely about a major disease (see also Final solution).

Fucks Stopped playing the show few times, giving spoilers about a major event (Also viewer discretion was advised).

Story begins with Kutner have been found in his house with a bullet in the head. (the rest of the story was crap since noone cares about another rare kind of killing cancer. . .) till the end when they played This song.

Fucks channel reminded you, that you can dial "1-800-273-8255" and have phone-sex with a total stranger in case you are bored. The story finished here until next week when the House viewers decreased to half because seven days ago at this very same time the episode "Simple explanation" Caused a few Casualties.

Also notice that "Simple Explanation" Nominated the best motive for final solution in the history of man.

House fanfiction spawned from /tv/

(This fanfic was written for a thread on /tv/ just before S05 E4 was shown. Be warned, it's not the usual kind of House/Wilson fanfic you're used to...)

"My leg hurts," House grumbled. He'd been sitting in the front seat of Wilson's Volvo for what felt like days. Time might have gone by faster if Wilson would at least talk to him, but he was too busy being self-righteously indignant to even cast a glance in House's direction. To make matters worse, he'd turned off the radio and batted House's hand away when he tried to get the CD player on.

"We're almost there," Wilson said. House waited for some more words to follow, but there were none. He tried again.

"I have to pee."

Wilson rolled his eyes and leveled his gaze back onto the highway.

"Okay. It's your upholstery." House flipped the top off his Big Gulp and proceeded to unzip his fly. "I hope you don't hit any potholes."

Wilson sighed. "What if I pull over? You can go pee in the bushes or something."

"I'd rather piss in a toilet like a respectable human being," House said. He wanted to keep the conversation going.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I thought respectable human beings peed in plastic cups in other people's cars. I'm pulling over. Get out."

"The bushes are too far off the road. I don't want to have to walk that far. You see, I've got this leg..."

Wilson gritted his teeth and attempted to count to one hundred. He got to 12 when his salvation appeared on the side of the road.

"There's a truck stop at the next exit."

House grinned.

--

Wilson swung the car into a handicapped parking spot, and House produced his mirror tag.

"Wouldn't want you getting a ticket, now would we?" he said sarcastically. Wilson rolled down the window, shut the car off, and refused to make eye contact with House.

"Hurry up."

--

House limped into the mens room and was dismayed to see no available urinals. All the stall doors were closed, and feet were clearly visible. Suddenly, the Big Gulp cup was looking more and more appealing.

A few seconds later, a burly trucker type finished his business and stepped away from the urinal, adjusting himself. House breathed a sigh of relief and made his way towards the urinal. But the trucker didn't move.

"Excuse me," House said. Something more acerbic (and infinitely more witty) came to mind, but the guy had biceps the size of sequoias. He settled on polite.

"You're excused," the trucker said. He stepped aside, but he didn't leave. He watched as House unzipped his pants and took his dick in his hands.

To say House was uncomfortable would be an understatement. He tried to pee as fast as he could, but fear was slowing things down.

"Do you mind? I'm a little pee shy."

"Nope." The trucker didn't move, and now another one had come up on House's other side. Deciding not to say another word, House zipped himself up. It was time to go. But he was boxed in now.

"Uh, fellas, I don't know what's going on he-"

The first trucker slammed House into the wall and kicked his cane away. House tasted blood on his lip, and then he saw a fist coming right at his face.

--

Wilson checked his watch for the millionth time. Either House was taking a dump, or he was hiding in the toilet in a desperate attempt to miss the funeral. At this rate, he was going to succeed.

Wilson exited the car and went to find House.

--

Wilson breezed into the men's room expecting to see House either sitting on the counter or blocking off a stall. What he saw instead was baffling.

A group of men were clustered around the handicapped stall; some had even formed a line reaching almost back to the door. No one noticed his entrance, but his ears pricked up immediately at some muffled grunts and a choked string of expletives coming from the stall adjacent to the handicapped one. He looked around and saw a cane lying underneath the urinals, and his blood ran cold.

That's when a trucker spotted him.

"Hey, this one's younger."

"House?" Wilson called.

"He can't talk right now," another trucker said. There were maybe 15 truckers in the bathroom, but Wilson couldn't see this one. He must have been in the stall. "Your gimp friend's got my dick in his mouth."

The other truckers laughed, but Wilson was almost in a panic. He could hear House struggling and gagging and kicking the sides of stall. The thought of House being pinned down and...

Wilson tried to back out of the door, but the trucker who'd spotted him was too quick. Wilson was on his knees gasping for breath before he even knew he'd been kneed in the stomach. The trucker pushed him all the way to the floor and dug his knee in Wilson's back. He pulled out a knife and cut a slit down the back of Wilson's pants. He struggled as best he could, but he was no match for the 350 behemoth pinning him down.

"Wilson!" House yelled. "Wilson, g-"

Wilson heard something like a sack of meat hitting the floor, and he started kicking when the trucker picked him up and shoved him towards the stall. He felt cool air on his bare ass.

"Oh, God."

--

House had two truckers pinning him down on the toilet in the stall. He'd heard Wilson calling his name, and he prayed to whatever deity that probably didn't exist that Wilson would make it out. But House knew better. Wilson's good-looks weren't lost him, and he frequently took pleasure in flirting with his best friend. But even though they were on the outs, he didn't want to see this happen to Wilson. Nothing Wilson could have ever done would merit this. He cringed when he heard Wilson cry out in the stall next to him.

--

Wilson scrabbled around at the walls trying to find a handhold and maybe a way out, but the trucker had him held tight around the waist.

"Please, please, please, don't do this!" he pleaded. But he yelled just the same when the trucker shoved his hard, dry penis into Wilson's virgin asshole. The trucker pumped back and forth, and Wilson felt as though his ass had been submerged in lava.

"HOUSE!" he screamed. He didn't know why he'd done it, but he wanted to hear House's voice. Maybe he could get through it if he...

"Sorry. He's got another dick in his mouth," a trucker said dryly. Wilson gasped and screamed, the tears freely running down his face.

--

House didn't say a word or utter a sound as the stream of pee ran down his leg. He'd stopped struggling. He kept his mind on Wilson, though, and he was disheartened to hear only thrusting coming from the stall. He ignored the smelly pubes in his face and the throbbing cock in his mouth. At least the guy had the foresight to put on a condom.

This was all his fault, House thought. If he had just peed in the bushes like Wilson had wanted...

--

An hour later, the last man finished reaming Wilson's now bloodied ass. He didn't know it, though. He was unconscious.

House crawled out of the stall when he was sure the coast was clear, the overwhelming stench of sweat and cum invading his nostrils.

"Wilson?" He felt Wilson's neck and found the pulse strong but erratic. He didn't want to do it, but he looked back and inspected Wilson's ass. He almost puked.

"HELP!" House yelled. "HELP! SOMEONE!" He ran his fingers through Wilson's hair and choked back a sob. "FOR FUCK'S SAKE! HELP!"

Security showed up a few seconds later. They'd watched the whole thing on tape.

House and Wilson were late to the funeral.

THE END.

House Wisdom

   
 
It's not lupus.
 

 
 

—House

   
 
Everybody lies.
 

 
 

—House

   
 
@House: Ah yes...you're the Rosa Parks of hooker massages
 

 
 

—Wilson

   
 
House (@Wilson): Take off that hat.

Wilson: It's Christmas, it's a reindeer.
House: It's a moose. On a Jew.

 


 
 

   
 
Foreman (@House): You stash your drugs inside a lupus textbook?

House: It's never lupus
 


 
 

   
 
@Foreman: Aw, but cancer is so much fun.
 

 
 

—House

   
 
There's no I in 'team'. There is a me, though, if you jumble it up.
 

 
 

—House

   
 
Humanity is overrated.
 

 
 

—House

   
 
Cameron (@House): Nice cane.

House: [winks] If I know what you mean.
 


 
 

   
 
Reality is almost always wrong.
 

 
 

—House

   
 
(@Pregnant woman): It's not a baby...it's a tumor!
 

 
 

—House

   
 
(@Dr. Wilson): You wouldn't know Prada (shoes) if one stepped on your scrotum.
 

 
 

—House

   
 
And who plays the Jews in this analogy?
 

 
 

—Chase

   
 
(@Stacy): So what's your plan? You take the black person, I'll take the little girl, and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things turn rough.
 

 
 

—House

   
 
A nun (@House): She [a fellow nun] believes in things that aren't real!

House: I thought that was a job requirement for you people.
 


 
 

   
 
Cameron: Twelve-year-olds don't have sex.

House: Their mistake.
 


 
 

   
 
Oh yeah? Well I make cripples look cool
 

 
 

—House

   
 
(@Dr. Cameron):HOUSE IS NOT ROSA PARKS...HE'S AN ANARCHIST!!!
 

 
 

—Foreman

   
 
Dr. House: Mom's body is like…the intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time. She gets pregnant, it's like…a new station opening in Düsseldorf. A bunch of rookies running things. Bound to be mistakes. Kids play on the tracks and get electrocuted, and before you know it, trains are backed up all the way to Berlin and you got a bunch of angry Germans with nowhere to go. And we all know that ain't good for the Jews…
 

 
 

—House

   
 
I have no problem with people killing themselves, but don't think it makes you a hero
 

 
 

—House

House Videos


<center>Mad TV being unfunny as usual.</center>

IRL House Trivia

The actor who played Kutner left the show to serve Black Jesus in the white house.

The actor who played House is now doing commercials for sausage.

Gallery

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See also

External Links

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