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Hutchence’s Syndrome (aka: Autoerrotadinism, Kung-Fu disease, German Belt Love, Noose Love, Deathrace 2000, and Scarfing) is a rare disease that effects only the very rich and famous. Named after Australian singer Michael Hutchence, this disease causes airflow to be cut off from the victim’s lungs via a ligature or similar device cutting off or crushing the trachea resulting in an untimely and often embarrassing death. The most recent person to incur this disease is David Carradine.
When the victim succumbs to Hutchence’s Syndrome, there is little or no treatment involved. The best thing a person can do is cover up or dress the naked body, pay off any hotel personnel that might have witnessed the death, and pray to God that no paparazzi happen to be in the neighborhood. Even still, clinical technicians have noted several common traits in people who have died of this disease:
- They are butt naked
- They are usually found hanging from bathroom doors in hotel rooms.
- Lots of blow is found on the scene…however it is speculated that if hookers were present, upon viewing the scene, they bailed out and called the ambulance from the safety of an across-the-street pay phone.
—Teacher, from the television series "Kung Fu"
While there is no known treatment for hanging oneself while jacking off in a closet, there are literally millions of ways to prevent Hutchence's Syndrom. Several of them involve not tying a cord around your neck when you are high, drunk, or semi-conscious, however there are other precautions that are just as easy to follow. Some of these include:
- Jack off like a normal person.
- Only wear shoes that have Velcro ties.
- When performing your feat of masturbation, pay off somebody to hang around and make sure you are okay. Seriously, Michael Hutchence had 20 million dollars on the day of his death, you figure he could have paid for 30 Thai hookers to make sure he didn't off himself.
—Zaiger, noted specialist.
—Bangkok police officer Teerapop Luanseng
—An expert in shaolin masturbatory procedure.
—Yet another expert weighs in.
—Hey, I told him the risks.
—Unexperienced? That's UNPOSSIBLE!!!
This guy was neither a rock star nor was he a successful actor in several Kung-fu films.
- Story about Kill Bill
- Moar Kill Bill
- Grasshopper bites the dust.
- Hutchence's Syndrome information.
- What happened to Michael Hutchence?
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