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Hutchence's Syndrome

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Inxs100.jpg
Symptoms include wearing fish net stockings.
Michael Hutchence's grave marker. Note the serene quality on his face.
This is the door to the hotel room where Hutchence offed himself.

Hutchence’s Syndrome (aka: Autoerrotadinism, Kung-Fu disease, German Belt Love, Noose Love, Deathrace 2000, and Scarfing) is a rare disease that effects only the very rich and famous. Named after Australian singer Michael Hutchence, this disease causes airflow to be cut off from the victim’s lungs via a ligature or similar device cutting off or crushing the trachea resulting in an untimely and often embarrassing death. The most recent person to incur this disease is David Carradine.

Symptoms

Careful...that smoking will kill you!
NOT DOING IT RIGHT...
STILL DOING IT WRONG!

When the victim succumbs to Hutchence’s Syndrome, there is little or no treatment involved. The best thing a person can do is cover up or dress the naked body, pay off any hotel personnel that might have witnessed the death, and pray to God that no paparazzi happen to be in the neighborhood. Even still, clinical technicians have noted several common traits in people who have died of this disease:

  • They are butt naked
  • They are usually found hanging from bathroom doors in hotel rooms.
  • Lots of blow is found on the scene…however it is speculated that if hookers were present, upon viewing the scene, they bailed out and called the ambulance from the safety of an across-the-street pay phone.

Prevention

Somebody famous.
Girls like it too!
Strangle Me Elmo...
   
 
I don't know what impressed me the most. That he was still sexually active at 72, or that he had had so much pussy that the only way he'd get off is to hang himself.
 

 
 

—Teacher, from the television series "Kung Fu"

While there is no known treatment for hanging oneself while jacking off in a closet, there are literally millions of ways to prevent Hutchence's Syndrom. Several of them involve not tying a cord around your neck when you are high, drunk, or semi-conscious, however there are other precautions that are just as easy to follow. Some of these include:

  • Jack off like a normal person.
  • Only wear shoes that have Velcro ties.
  • When performing your feat of masturbation, pay off somebody to hang around and make sure you are okay. Seriously, Michael Hutchence had 20 million dollars on the day of his death, you figure he could have paid for 30 Thai hookers to make sure he didn't off himself.

Quotes

   
 
the body of Carradine was found curled up inside the wardrobe with one end of a shoelace tied around his penis and the other end fastened around his neck.
 

 
 

—Zaiger, noted specialist.


   
 
I can confirm that we found his body, naked, hanging in the closet
 

 
 

—Bangkok police officer Teerapop Luanseng


   
 
The managers and staff at the Ritz-Carlton in Double Bay had more than your average cleaning job on their hands in Room 524 that day in November, 1997. They had a body to remove, and a very famous one at that.
 

 
 

—Poor cleaners...


   
 
Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique < Bangkok Choking Dragon Technique
 

 
 

—An expert in shaolin masturbatory procedure.


   
 
Well they started waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the day with Michael Hutchence. Somehow they've evolved into a system where people just know if someone's into auto-erotic asphyxiation. Also, I have no idea how I spelled asphyxiation without the aid of spell-checker.
 

 
 

—Yet another expert weighs in.


   
 
in the end, dear Bill came, then he went...
 

 
 

—LOL jokes!


   
 
I read this earlier in Nooseweek Magazine...
 

 
 

—Rimshot!


   
 
I bet it was recommended to him by a buddy... who feels like a real fucking asshole right now.
 

 
 

—Hey, I told him the risks.


   
 
Asphyxia fetish and unexperienced thai hookers don't mix, especially when you're 72 ...
 

 
 

—Unexperienced? That's UNPOSSIBLE!!!

Video

This guy was neither a rock star nor was he a successful actor in several Kung-fu films.

See Also

Interesting Links

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[Case ClosedOpen Up to Us]
Hutchence's Syndrome is part of a series on Psychology
Antisocial personality disorder Hannibal Lector.jpg Mental illness & Disorders

AcrotomophiliaAddictionAgoraphobiaAlcoholismAlexis Pilkington SyndromeAlzheimer'sAnorexiaAntisocial personality disorderAnthropophobiaAnxietyADDADHDAsperger's SyndromeAutismBimboficationBipolarBorderline personality disorderBug ChasingBulimiaDeep thinkerDepressionDick ImpalementDown's SyndromeDyslexiaEating disorderFactitious disorderFake SchizophreniaFauxlimiaFeminismGender dysphoriaGirl on the Internet SyndromeHeterophobiaHero ComplexHFAHistrionic Personality DisorderHutchence's SyndromeHyperbolimiaInadequacyInconsistent personality disorderInsanityLiberal Butthurt SyndromeLow Self-esteem'Missing White Woman' SyndromeMultiple personality disorderNapoleon ComplexNarcissistic personality disorderNeurotypicalObsessive Compulsive DisorderParanoiaParanoid personality disorderPeter Pan SyndromePost-Traumatic Stress DisorderPsychopathyRetardationSchizophreniaSeasonal Affective DisorderSelf-diagnosisSelf InjurySexsomniaSickfuckerySociopathySocial anxiety disorderSpecial Snowflake SyndromeTrolling Induced Transsexuality SyndromeTulpaUnrealistic expectationsVictim complex

Fetishes:

AcrotomophiliaAquaphiliaArborphiliaAudiophiliaAutogynephiliaBalloon FetishBestialityCarmen Electra complexCross DressingDollfiliaEmetophiliaEmosexualityEproctophiliaFatty Fetish (Female Fat Admirer) • FetishismFoot FetishFurniture PornFurrismGoo girlGuroHeterophiliaHomophiliaInflation FetishJapanophiliaJungle FeverLesbian pedophiliaLotion PlayMacrophiliaMaiesiophiliaMechanophiliaMpregNecrophiliaObjectophiliaOedipial ComplexParaphiliaPedophiliaPlushophiliaPregnant LoliPregnophiliaQuicksand FetishRangerphiliaSpectrophiliaStatuephiliaTrichophiliaVoraphiliaWet and Messy FetishismWetlookXenophiliaYellow feverZoophilia

E-Psychosis:

Chronic Troll SyndromeDeletionismE-goE-PsychiatristE-PsychiatryETDHivemindI-DosingI have a 140 IQIRC DiseaseImaginary girlfriendInternet Disease & Internet Disease ChartInternet poverty delusionsInternet RehabInternet troll personality disorderMega ultra super geniusNerdy Fandom Gateway TheorySex by associationLulz-BlindnessWikipedia's Greatest Hits Diseases

Experiments:

ask.fmBrainwashingHypnosisMilgram ExperimentScientologyStanford Prison ExperimentThe Hivemind Corollary

Sites:

Above Top SecretB/Bodies Under SiegeCYOCChatrouletteDefense Industries OrganizationDeekerFoolQuest.comInkBunnyNeuticles.comPsyke.orgWarpMyMind.com

See also:

American Psychiatric AssociationAngerASMRChild abuseConscienceDreamDSMEnlightenmentIntelligenceLobotomyPsychiatristySerial KillersTake the meat bridgeThe Law of ConformityTrigger Warning