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Hypocrisy is the art of acting like a kewl kid when you're actually a worthless cunt, and it is a vital component of the collective human psyche. This is only natural, considering that we are created in the image of a petty and vindictive God. Prevalent though hypocrisy may be in reality, the advent of the Internet has seen an exponential increase in its use. After all, you can be a douche all you like, safe in the knowledge that no one is going to reach through your monitor and give you the sound strangling that you so thoroughly deserve. Without exception, everyone on the face of the planet is hypocritical to one degree or another. There is one exception, however; I'm not a hypocrite. Nope. Not me. Nevar.
A Selection Of Hypocritical Fauna
The Grammar Nazi
Invariably, when browsing a forum, you will find a grammar Nazi. Half of his posts consist of throwing a royal shitfit over someone's typo, misspelling, or grammatical error. Half of said replies will contain errors of their own. Of course, if you find such an "error" in one of my posts, I was employing rhetoric. You know, a statement made outside the bounds of traditional discourse to achieve a greater effect. You don't know anything about language, do you? Fucking .
As befits the variety of hypocrite with the highest concentration of faggotry, the moderator never stops being a total jackass. Ostensibly, the mods are there to help... but, when not spamming the site with useless shit and forcing everyone to endure his incessant unwarranted self-importance, he's banning some lowly noob for making his first post in the wrong forum. Assuming there is any provocation at all, that is. All mods are worthless niggers, drunk with what they think is power. Fucking cunts. I'm a cool mod, though. I'm reserved, very patient with users, and I will only ban for 7 days of ceaseless spam or CP. This, of course, leads us to...
The Banned User
A whiny bitch par excellence, the banned user feigns innocence of his crimes, even after posting his loli gallery... provoking Chris Hansen to request the site admin to "have a seat over there." Those struck down by the awesome might of the banhammer attempt to worm their way back, professing their immaculate innocence and decrying the tyranny under which they have suffered. Otherwise, they wander the internets like fucking gypsies, preaching the "truth" of their persecution to all who will listen, leaving behind them a trail of noxious AIDS... as if they were some variety of faggot snail slithering through the tubes. Fucking bastards. Of course, I was never banned for a legit reason. Users are drawn to me by my natural charisma, and that doesn't sit well with attention whore mods. Check my blog for accounts of mod tyranny.
Whether the zealot worships Jesus, Allah, Vishnu, gold, Richard Dawkins or nothing at all, he's just dying to tell you all about it... especially the bits that explain why everything you have ever thought is wrong. You'll find his prefab spam everywhere, appearing as if it were typed by a drunken chimp, explaining either how to obtain TRUE and HONEST salvation, or that you are most definitely going to be tortured by a supremely loving deity for all eternity. While hypocrites in general are loathe to accept facts that they do not care for, the zealot alone is completely impervious to external truths, harboring a particular disdain for science and reason. There are many contradictory ideas out there, but the zealot knows that he is right because... well, he's just right, ok? A really old book told him so. Well, it didn't state that explicitly, but it sorta kinda implied it in a roundabout manner, and that's good enough for him. Myself, I say, "Live and let live." I don't judge my fellow man, even though the world is turning to shit and the Antichrist is coming due to the immoral, sinful actions of certain people... people like YOU.
The politico is a contemptuous specimen, and never one to react calmly. His sheer hubris rivals that of the zealot; he's always right, and if he is later proven wrong, he was right at the time. Anything good said about his party is God's own truth, and anything negative is nothing less than filthy lies and slander. Naturally, the inverse applies to his opponents. The politico is very selective in obtaining information. Sources that too often make claims that he does not already agree with are, quite obviously, merely spouting deceitful propaganda. The politico loves to make accusations of others, probably because he has never done anything wrong, ever. I don't discuss politics, however. It always ends badly, and it's just poor conversation to... wait, you're reading this section with a wry smirk, aren't you? You enjoy using politics to undermine society, don't you? YOU ARE WHY THIS NATION CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.
The most blatantly obvious hypocrites still around, feminism has the compulsive requirement of being as hypocritical as the Nazis themselves. Watch any feminist interview you want, there will be a moment where she'll literally say something along the lines of: I'm against male chauvinism because its prejudice. I think all men are male chauvinists. If you have the time to spare from your busy life, go to a rally. You are guaranteed to hear some shit like: Men should be chivalrous, and support women, while women should be allowed to just complain about utter horseshit. Equality for the sexes! Then they'll say that themselves and all women should have any opportunity they want, before turning on liabilities such as Sarah Palin, and telling them to go home and look after the kids, which would be fair enough, but you can see the point I'm making. Oh, and then they'll call chauvinists hypocrites. A rare example of DOUBLE irony.
Comprehensive List of Those Who Are NOT Hypocrites
- Social Justice Sally
- Barack Hussein Obama
- Anthony 'A-Log' LoGatto
- George Warmonger Bush
- Chrissie 'MeganLeeHeart' Barmore
- Brian 'LifeInATent' Martin
- Hothead the mare
|Hypocrisy is part of a series on Language & Communication|
|Featured article August 15 & 16, 2012|
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