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|Al Gore invented the iPhone!|
Note to all hipsters - there is now an even less mainstream "device" called the Fairphone
The iPhone is an iPod...with coast-to-coast tard talk. You used to be able to call fellow fucktards and tell them about how you just spent the fantastically large amount of $650 for your sweet new tele full of crapp. But since no one, but fags wanted to pay retarded prices for a phone, Walmart now sells them for $99. The Jews at Apple love the iPhone because it uses requires major use of the Reality Distortion Field, and it is the most popular product to cause AIDS and homosexuality.
- 1 Bend over, Apple incoming
- 2 Service Provider
- 3 iPhone Whore
- 4 iPhone 3G
- 5 iPhone 3G NOW WITH S
- 6 How to commit EPIC FAIL using an iPhone
- 7 Great iPhone 4s disappointment of 2011
- 8 Great iPhone 8 disappointment of 2017
- 9 The iPhone6 is a bender
- 10 iPhone SE
- 11 iPhone Edition or iPhone 8/7s
- 12 Texting
- 13 Camera Phone
- 14 Conclusion
- 15 Trivia
- 16 Video
- 17 Baby Shaker
- 18 Guys With iPhones
- 19 Gallery Of iCrap
- 20 See Also
- 21 Future iPhone predictions that will actually come true one day
- 22 External Links
Bend over, Apple incoming
The iPhone is Apple's newest way to Jew you, hardcore. The phone retails at $5,000-$6,000 Jesus bucks, but only costs Apple $250 and a bowl of rice (to feed the Asian) to make. Don't forget when the battery dies (and it will) you get to send it to Apple and pay them to have one of their monkeys to do something every other phone company in the world allowed you to do yourself. They will also delete all your data on your phone, too, because they're too lazy to back your data up. If any customer were to complain, Apple can use the TOS to turn you into a human centipede.
- Screen that fat people will smudge with their sausage fingers.
- Fingerprint identification (see above).
- Get more dates at the gay bar.
- Easily digestible for the average fat person.
- Fabulous colors.
- Blendtec blenders blend it.
- You can break an Xbox by dropping an iPhone bill on it.
- You can start a 7.5 earthquake by dropping an iPhone bill on the floor.
- The older phone got cheaper plans with AT&T than most of AT&T's smartphones, but not any more!
- Does not come with a helmet
- People sound like robotic shit.
- Can't see the screen at all when you are in full sunlight.
- Couldn't capture video until the third 3GS came out, making you shell out even moar jewgoldz for it.
- The camera is a rip-off of every Samsung phone.
- Maddox has a full rundown.
- Does not teleport, despite promises to the contrary.
- No free software.
- Each software update is over 200 megs and can only be downloaded through iTunes, which refuses to pause or save the download for when you get disconnected, you have to re-download the whole thing.
- Screen cannot be cleaned with anything capable of disinfecting such as ammonia or even alcohol. Attempting to do so will break the iPhone.
- 1/1000 of a single sprinkle drop of water will destroy your iPhone, hence invaliding your warranty.
- No insurance - once dropped, you have to buy a new one.
- 1337 tulip muncher PureInfinity92 used the default jailbreak password infecting iPhones with a worm for an extortion attempt. The same vulnerability is exploited by Auzzi haxor ikee, to rape iPhones with much greater win for creating the first iPhone worm.
- It bends when you're not even using it. What a phone should do!
- Camera sticks out
As if it isn't enough that retards are shelling out over 9,000 dollars for their shitty overpriced phone that nobody will call them on anyway because they have no friends, you also have to use AT&T, which will stick it in your ass every month with a 300 page bill.
The Jews at Apple were successfully trolled IRL by one of their own when hobbit Frodo Baggins, under the internet handle "geohot", unlocked the iPhone after he refused to believe that one does not simply unlock an iPhone. Now lucky iPhone users can use their iPhones on T-Mobile. EVERYBODY REJOICE! A few hours after saying he didn't want to make money off of his work, Frodo had this to say on his blog:
—geohot cashing in on his fame.
How to make money off of iPhone
- For $50 each, buy counterfeit unlocked iPhones from Asia with removable batteries (save customers $80 bucks plus $50 phone rental when changing the battery).
- Sell on eBay. (All iPhones sold on eBay are unlocked and all unlocked sold as new are counterfeit.)
- Close the bank account associated with your PayPal account when customers file disputes for their money back in PayPal.
- After being suspended from eBay, sell the fake iPhone on iOffer where counterfeits are welcome with open arms.
- Eat a tulip.
- Build iPhone worm which tells people to visit a website where you will fix their iPhone for 5 euro.
- Get Troll's remorse.
- Return the extorted money and post instructions on how to remove the worm.
UPDATE: All service providers now work on the iPhone, but it was fun while it lasted.
Steve HandJobs announced the newest iPhone last week.
- Can only be used right handed(Unless you want no bars)
- It's got a four on the end. Which raises the question "Where was the iPhone 2?"
- Apple hiding that they are still jealous of Google and Adobe.
- Now out on Verizon and you can jailbreak it to work with T-Mobile
- Still doesn't support Flash, and nothing of value was lost.
- Isn't Android!!!
- It's thinner so Apple fags can stick it up their anuses easier.
- Retina Display, which is marketing bullshit.
- Blessed by Pope Steve Jobs III
- It's still basically the iPhone 3GS with a 2nd camera on the front and a shit resolution.
- Glass on both the front and the back, so you know its indestructible. In fact, it's so indestructible, that cases cause it to break
Even though this technology has been around for years, Apple still can't perfect it - FaceTime still sucks balls even though it's over WiFi. It's like Apple somehow manages to freeze a pizza in an oven.
The features include:
- 3G To download your CP faster, which will also get you V& quicker, and that's if you're in one of AT&T's shitty ass 3G coverage areas.
- GPS, which stands for Get Past Spear Chuckers. Now your iPhone will tell you what place is a black neighborhood so you can quickly GTFO
- Better battery life. Only 10 minutes longer! But it eats up the battery twice as fast.
- Higher bills. Pay $10 more for the same phone a month!
- Tiny fucking cracks all over the phone you bought because it looks good.
- A soon to be announced recall because of a glitched 3G antenna amplifier that makes the iPhone not pick up 3G coverage in the same areas that other phones do. Quality Engineering.
iPhone 3G NOW WITH S
The jews over at apple realized how fail the iPhone 3G is sometime Last Thursday and decided if they put an S on the end it would all be better. What it really did was add all the features that should have been included but they were too stupid to implement.
- A "S" shaped sticker
- HOLY SHIT 2x FASTER THAN THE IPHONE 3G
- Video camera
- Voice control
- Cut and Paste
- Voice recording
- HOLY FUCK TURN THAT BITCH ON ITS SIDE AND ITS A LANDSCAPE FUCKING KEYBOARD
- A compass? Really?
and much more useless shit you probably won't need in a phone.
The 3GS now has a killswitch that won't let the phone work when it reaches 113F/45C.  Now if you live in The Middle East, near Arizona, in Egypt, or in anywhere else that regularly gets over 110F/43C for most of the year, then guess what? Your iPhone 3GS just will never work!
How to commit EPIC FAIL using an iPhone
Last Thursday some dumb 16 year old whore had buttsecks and lost her virginity on a beach, the slut was so pleased that she felt the immediate need to tell her bff and wrote her a message with the text "OMG! Just had 1st time on beach! Gr8! wish u were here", but being the dumb cunt she is she sent it to her daddy, creating much drama and lulz.
Way to go, dumb bitch!
Great iPhone 4s disappointment of 2011
The Great iPhone 4S disappointment of 2011 occured on 4th October, 2011, when everyone expected after 15 months of waiting an iPhone 5 but only got an iPhone 4S.
Great iPhone 8 disappointment of 2017
Secretly iPhone 7S
Same same. But different. But still same.
The iPhone6 is a bender
The iPhone continued to be boring until late summer 2014, when the sixth mutation of glass and aluminum was rushed onto the market to cover up Apple's iCloud fuck-up. Hipsters everywhere found to their dismay that they weren't actually stoned - that their iPhone666 was infact - and Speedy Joe sold them flour and not cocaine.
iPhone 6s parts inside the iPhone 5s.
iPhone Edition or iPhone 8/7s
2.4GHz A11 Bionic
Same display as the iPhone 7 Plus but now with true tone
Trying to send a text on an iPhone even if you have 1 bar is just as hard as an average guy trying to get laid. You often get the message not delivered in the color red even knowing there is 1 bar.
Not sure why Apple has not invented texting over wifi yet when they have calling over wifi? Must be saving that feature for the iPhone 8
If you're going to take photos of your aunt in the shower or attempt to kill a cat remember, that the iPhone's photos contain the GPS coordinates within the EXIF data of each photo. It is always important to remember to remove such evidence before posting photos on b.
Attempted cat killer lives here.
If you own an iPhone or any Apple product, KILL YOURSELF.
Sell it. You will always find buyers who are willing to buy used Apple products.
- You have to supply your own lube when you take it up the ass for a 650 dollar phone.
- Other phones have more features and still look good.
- People in the United States are more likely to spend money on a worthless item with an Apple logo while taking it up the ass from a horse than get a job and contribute to the Earth
Sometime last Thursday, Apple decided to troll its customers by approving a "Baby Shaker" game for the iPhone. Apple stated, "Baby Shaker makes revolutionary use of the iPhone and iPod Touch's accelerometer to simulate killing a crying infant. When the app starts up with its wailing and carrying on, simply shake it to make it stop. You'll know it's worked when the crying is over and two red Xs appear over the baby's eyes. See? FUN. Not realizing the reality distortion field was turned off at this time, the media response was negative, and it had to be pulled. So if you're an iPhone user and you want to fulfill your dream of shaking little screaming shits to death, you will just have to do it IRL.
The Baby Shaker incident set off a worldwide media firestorm. The following is a timeline of the Baby Shaker incident, from the article on KRAPPS.com which broke the news to ultimately Apple pulling Baby Shaker from the App Store and issuing a public apology (which is rare, Apple does not publicly apologize too often):
4/21/09 - 10:00pm PST: KRAPPS discovers the Baby Shaker app.
4/21/09 - 12:30am PST: KRAPPS publishes Baby Shaker article titled "Baby Shaker - It's Not Funny Apple!" and announces article on Twitter.
4/22/09 - 1:11am PST: KRAPPS announces article on Twitter
4/22/09 - 9:18am PST: Jennipher Dickens (@mom2amiracle), who founded a nonprofit organization (Stop Shaken Baby Syndrome, Inc.) saw the KRAPPS Baby Shaker article, tweeted her disgust and forwarded a press release to 30,000 media companies citing KRAPPS as the source of the story.
4/22/09 - 11:07am PST: CNET broke the Baby Shaker story on their site (crediting KRAPPS). Shortly thereafter, Tech Crunch broke the story (crediting CNET). Twitter was going off with Baby Shaker tweets and retweets. Tech Crunch also released a article.
4/22/09 - 11:09am PST: Apple removes Baby Shaker from App Store
4/22/09 - 3:30pm PST: mainstream media has picked up the Baby Shaker story: New York Times, Boston Herald, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times and more, including worldwide radio and television
4/23/09: Apple issues public apology for Baby shaker incident.
Guys With iPhones
Just to prove that iPhones are for spoiled fags, GuysWithiPhones consists of guys camwhoreing themselves in the mirror with iPhones. This inevitably gets followed by comments from a mixture of gay men and a few trannies. They fawn over their hawt bodies, their phones, and make irritating nitpicks about the photos forgetting that most are taken in the mirror. Also they obsessively stalk them and link to YouTube videos that show them. It's fucking desperate, but is a useful link when you want to argue why iPhones are the epitome of faggotry .
Gallery Of iCrap
- IPhone killer
- Safari XPS Attack
Future iPhone predictions that will actually come true one day
No fucking ports at all
Complete removal of all buttons
Even better water proofing
Increased storage give it about 5 years we will see a 1TB iPhone
Fingerprints & smudges will be a thing of the past
Adobe® Photoshop® • Android • BlackBerry • Blu-ray • Compact Disc • DesuRadio • DRM • Fairphone • FLAC • Fraps • Gimp • Internet DVD • K-LULZ • Irfanview • iPhone • iPod • iTunes • L0de • Microsoft Surface • Mixtapes • MKV • MP3 • MS Paint • Pivot Stickfigure Animator • Quicktime • RealPlayer • Reason • Sony Vegas • VLC Media Player • Windows Movie Maker • Windows Media Player • WMV • Zune