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Great iPhone 4S disappointment of 2011
Well, Steve Jorbs -- revolutionary co-founder of Apple -- recently kicked the proverbial bucket. It's only now that the collective tears of the world have evaporated into fluffy clouds made from cult-of-personality and slavish consumer-electronics worship. Once the iconic black turtleneck was retired, the question on everyone's lips was how well successor-to-the-throne, Tim Cook, would be able to carry on the Great Work of making the world better through audience misdirection and techno-fetishism. Happily for the shareholders, Cook did reasonably well in convincing an auditorium full of people -- most of whom presumably attended and finished a college that didn't advertise on the backs of buses -- that incremental alterations to a small electronic device constituted the next evolutionary step for mankind.
On October 4, 2011, specially-selected tech journalists were corralled into open-air, roofless cages in Apple's parking lot in Cupertino, California. After several hours underneath the sweltering sun, the journos were suffering the effects of heat exhaustion and dehydration. Thus prepared for the cult production to come, this crowd of drooling, glassy-eyed humans were herded into a dark, windowless box. Pacification gas was pumped in through the AC vents, and cups of artisanal Kool-Aid were passed out. It was in this way that the stage was set for The Great iPhone 4S Disappointment of 2011.
The Lights Dim and the Spotlight Shines
As the lights went down, the attendees fell silent. Tim Cook stood offstage. His PR handlers emphatically reminded him to suppress his natural inclinations to prance about the stage and speak with a lisp. These are universal traits shared by all Friends of Dorothy, but faggot emissions interfere with Apple's Reality Distortion Field, so while attending media events and public tech demonstrations, Cook has to repress his gut-level urge to allow his wrists to hang limp.
The collective breath of the audience had caught on the hook of anticipation. If you listen closely to audio recordings of the event (remember to activate Distortion Field suppressor plugins!), you can just make out sub-vocal muttering from the audience pit:
Give it to us, Tim! Slap your steamy new iPhone 5 against our eager, sweat-beaded faces! Oh shit, guys, this is it! The moment we've waited for ALL OUR LIVES! The moment where our hollow, empty existence is given wonder again!! The moment that all history has been yearning towards since that first explosion in the sky billions and billions of years ago!!! Humanity is about to touch the face of the TRUE GOD YES LET IT HAPPEN!!!!!!11!
Tim: "HERE IT COMES YOU BITCHES OH TAKE IT AUGGHHHH!!!!!"
It's... it's... the iPhone 4? But, but... don't I already own one of these? Oh, fuck it. I'll buy one anyway.
Their Ingenious Business Model
- Spray-paint a S onto "iPhone 4"
- Watch scat-vomit porn on the company's dime
- Make products look fancy so it can be over priced
What You Get
The iPhone 4S has a veritable plethora of new features, making it well worth your precious, hard-earned monies! Just look at this list!
- Dual Core A5 Chip: Now there's two cores! Count 'em
- Improved Phone Camera: We added an extra lens! Why? Well, because... uh. Hmm.
- Speaking time is extended now by ONE WHOLE HOUR! That's 8 hours! On previous models, it was 7 hours! That's some heroic shit!
- The weight is now 140 grams, up from 137 grams. With this massive increase in additional weight, your weak-sister, pencil-like arms are really going to wobble as you attempt to lift the phone up high enough to snap that sepia Instagram picture of the rusted binoculars wrapped in a diaper. You pretentious fuck.
- Siri: Now your phone can read shit to you! This is some goddamn cutting-edge shit here, son! (fun fact: the same thing is available on Android under the name Iris. Iris had a total development time of only 8 hours. Way to effectively manage production time, Apple.)
- Male users: Tim Cook's hand reaches through your wallet and gently strokes your ripe butthole.
- Female users: Go fuck yourself. Really. Get the fuck outta here.
The only feature new to the iPhone 4S is an interactive voice command program that talks back to you. Siri was created for one reason only: to give lonely, socially-awkward shut-ins a semblance of human contact. Siri's explosive popularity goes to show just how many basement-dwellers needed a fictional girl to lean on in order to feel the affection and attention that real women would never offer.
Siri was meant to appear innovative and visionary, but if the iPhone developers were allowed contact with the outside world, they would have learned that this technology had been around since the 1990s. In fact, voice command dialing was one of the features of the Motorola V66 some time around 2002, back when smartphones only featured black-and-white liquid crystal calculator displays, and were only able to access a few websites you could access from a mobile browser for the internet, like Yahoo!, because they were in a format known as Web Accessible Pages.
A hidden feature built into Siri is activated after the user has asked 50 questions. This so-called "Honeymoon's Over" feature alters Siri's behavior so that she begins complaining about taking all your stupid requests and demands that you do things for her, like asking her about her day, watching a Sex And The City marathon with her, and getting her a hot water bottle for her cramps. Like everything cultivated in Apple's walled garden, this feature can not be changed.
Proper use of Siri
Now you can get your iPhone 4 Upgrade kit for only $1.00. All you have to do is follow directions.
- Buy a sticker
- Peel sticker off
- Stick it on the back of your iPhone 4
- Enjoy your iPhone 4S because it's the same fuckin' shit
|Featured article November 18 & November 19, 2011|
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