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Islamic State of Iraq and Syria
|The Donald declares war on ISIS Your days are numbered!|
|This article needs a serious clean up|
|ISIS had their HQ blown up for themselves.|
It's basically IRL D&D with no dice but all the faggotry. Their apocalyptic RPG is set in the 7th century and features realistic weapons like swords, stones, torches (and RPGs) which would be unsafe to use in a basement, so they play it outside in the desert where blood won't get on their mom's goatskin rugs. When they encounter non-player characters -- called apostates or infidels or kafir in their rulebook -- they will violently murder them because they are all angry virgins. Infidels can be identified by their lack of sand ninja cosplay. Their gamemaster is called a "Caliph."
The "Islamic State" is the state of mind where you kill everyone who has a different state of mind. For example, Mao Zedong, Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler, and Pol Pot were all in the Islamic State at some point in their lives. Most serial killers, terrorists, and spree killers were also in the Islamic State at the time of their murders. Anders Behring Breivik is a recent textbook embodiment of the Islamic State. Recently Boko Haram reportedly "joined" the Islamic State, but their brains have always been in the Islamic State.
- 1 In the meediah
- 2 Historical background
- 3 Geography
- 4 Social Media
- 5 World Domination Plan
- 6 Construction business
- 7 #Goals
- 8 Strengths
- 9 Weaknesses
- 10 Environmentalism
- 11 Homosexuality
- 12 ISIS dun fucked up
- 13 What to do if you encounter an ISIS supporter
- 14 Wanted Level
- 15 President Trump vs ISIS
- 16 What Trump will do to ISIS
- 17 Gallery
- 18 Links
- 19 See also
In the meediah
Western media describes the Islamic State or ISIS, ISIL (Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant), or just The Caliphate as a jihadi uprising funded by the Republican Party and Israel to punish Obama for withdrawing the troops from Iraq, and Bashar-al-Assad for being friends with Putin and not allowing the speedy construction of a pipeline, and the Kurds because fuck them.
Conservatives would have you believe this is what happens when American interests co-opt Al-Qaeda under the command of a muslim nigger president from Kenya, however in reality the caliphate is a stable Sunni traditionalist state ruled by Shari'a law and with the intention of forcefully liberating fellow unrepresented Sunni Muslims in neighboring Western-controlled dictatorships. Their methods are often portrayed as barbaric by the media of larger industrial nations more accustomed to heavy firepower and good old fashioned carpet bombing than throat-slitting or scorpion bombs.
The group is led by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, a Mexican convert who was probably trained by Mossad. Isis plans to create a caliphate that will spread from Iraqi/Syrian region to Austria, Morocco, India, parts of China, the entire Middle East, and Parts of Africa, assuming they don't get eventually rekt by Assad. They are even recruiting from Britfagistan, including 16 year old girls to provide jihadi brides. The anguished cries of "Too old!" have proven numerous. The group threatens everybody in the middle east. Although they seem like srs bsns they ride around in 1980s pickup trucks. Isis used to be a cell of Al-qaeda, but like a black father, Al Qaeda abandoned them and claimed they had nothing to do with them after it turned out ISIS were too fucking hardcore. Recently the occupational ape Obama authorized air strikes on ISIS, which caused mass butthurts amongst the sandniggers.
The real "backbone" of the State is the endless numbers of fucking stupid as shit Arab manboys who show up at Abu's compound with mom's credit cards and a broken Xbox, and ask to "fight for the jihad". Everyone knows the little shits aren't real Muslims and are just there for free guns and ammo and a chance to kill people at random, because Counterstrike isn't making their little brown dicks hard anymore. The State "leaders", who are really just low-grade thieves, are happy to exploit these shitheads.
Although the term Caliphate has unfortunate connotations of World Domination, the actual territorial ambitions and holdings of ISIS overlap and correspond precisely with most of Iraq's and Syria's oilfields when grouped together. This has allowed the Royal House of Saud to freely manipulate the price of oil at whim, which is why Americans enjoyed a Merry Christmas in 2014 but not a surefire prosperous New Year.
The Islamic State maintains good communication with its foreign partners in the World scene, sharing a peaceful border with Turkey, and remaining always open to negotiations of POW exchange with its current enemies. The Islamic State does not currently recognize or maintain diplomatic relations with the State of Israel. According to statements released in August 2016, ISIS/Daesh/ISIL/whatever refuses to attack Israel because Allah commands them to conquer the West first (page in Arabic). Thus we can clearly see that ISIS are run by the Mossad. The Jews and their lies: Nevar forget. The Office of the Caliph has produced this study to present the Islamic State's current position in relation to the United Nations Security Council.
Since the Islamic State is a melting pot for Sunni Muslims of Arabic origin throughout the diaspora or converted by seeing the light of the Prophet, (may Allah bless him and grant him a dick in the ass), the country has been able to produce above-standard digital entertainment that puts Nollywood and Bollywood to shame.
The most popular Islamic State series in the West is Lend me your Ears, which is not about body mutilation as crappy Western news channels would have you believe
Learning from their child brides, ISIS members have the developed a compulsion to post every aspect of their lives on Twitter or Instagram. Unlike your typical teenage camwhore, however, ISIS tweets tend to be quite lulzy, often involving the beheading of government officials, and the theft of American tanks and kittens and tweeting it to Americans for the lulz. The holy warriors of ISIS may be brutal psychopathic murderers, but they are not without a sense of humor.
However, America likes lulz too and bombed one of their bases after finding its location via selfies from Islamic State members posted on twitter.
ISIS declares war against Twitter
Last Thursday, some ISIS virgin was butthurt from being b& by Twitter, so naturally, ISIS called for the death of Twitter cofounder Jack Dorsey by lions. You can't make this shit up.
While most trolls usually start socking after a ban, an online fatwa on the founder of a website is a fresh twist. After all these years, why didn't anybody ever consider putting a hit out on
god-king Jimbo Larry Sanger Ben Kovitz? It's uncertain whether the Twitter ban was related to #OpISIS by Anonymous, but the odds are over 9000% that Jack Dorsey has them to thank for having to be professionally disappeared.
World Domination Plan
ISIS released a map showing their master plan, That would be good and all except for the fact, The map they released was taken from a Paradox Interactive game called Victoria 2
Carrying on the tradition of the Bin Laden construction dynasty which had planned for years to renovate the World Trade Center, ISIS took it upon themselves to use some IDF D9 Killdozers (which are nicknamed Doobi, Hebrew for teddy bear) to renovate the ancient sand castles of Hatra, Nimrud, and Dur Shoryuken aka the Fortress of Sargon. Inspired by Bayformers Revenge of the Fallen and its giant robot (wrecking) balls, the ISIS Constructicons came in like Miley Cyrus and combined to form Devastator, and he used his vortex grinder to suck up the stones that hid the star harvester inside. ISIS also demolished Saddam Hussein's tomb for the lulz, since Saddam (peace be upon him) was the only one insane enough to keep ISIS in check. It's common knowledge that George W. Bush invaded Iraq so that ISIS could take over. You can't increase military funding each year in the absence of blowback.
—some French guy
ISIS said they were destroying graven images and idolatry, while probably filming the whole thing. These sites had been left alone by other Mudslimes for thousands of years, but not until ISIS did anyone suddenly realize that everybody had been wrong all this time, just like with gay marriage. Iconoclasm and the destruction of artifacts is extremely common among sandniggers because depictions of Allah or Muhammed such as statues or cartoons are a painful reminder that there is no Allah. Images of Allah or Muhammed don't conceal Allah, they conceal nothing, and that is why they must be destroyed. Also, the destruction of history allows ISIS to rewrite it, or live outside of it. Contrary to popular belief, history isn't written by the victors, history is written by bulldozers, as Palestinians and Rachel Corrie learned firsthand -- although usually any heavy machinery with tank tread will do. Maktub. And so it is written. The ideal bulldozer is one with Mohammed's face printed largely on the dozer blade and it works to destroy all graven images, even digital ones, you just point it at the data center.
Also as part of ISIS's aggressive renovation business, they claimed to have worked on a museum in Tunisia by exterminating some of the invasive foreign pests inside. And some ISISts wearing casts also performed some demolition work and carpet renovations during Friday prayers at two mosques in Sanaa, Yemen, at the Al Badr mosque and Al Hashoosh mosque. Hopefully now anybody wearing casts will be shot on sight.
ISIS wants to destroy memory. Most people do that with intoxicants, but since intoxicants are haram to Mudslimes, ISIS destroys the memories of others. Whether it's separating brains from necks, bulldozing statues, destroying tombs, blowing up museums, or renovating mosques, or banning the teaching of art, literature, national history, music, and Christianity, all memories must go -- unless it's the journal or resting place of a 7th century violent sand pedo. This kablammo tradition goes back to the Conquest of Mecca, after which Muhammad destroyed the pagan idols in the city and sent others to destroy all pagan temples in Eastern Arabia. So destroying things is fine as long as you label it "pagan" or "unbeliever" first.
ISIS hopes for a kind of Al-zheimic paradise on Earth. A kind of worldwide anterograde amnesia, with no new memories created after 632 CE when The Prophet, peace be upon him, died, making his band even more famous. Beheading videos kind of contradict this goal, but they show firsthand the destruction of memory, and the media is all too helpful in propagating them so that eventually the victim's family members will have their memories of their loved ones destroyed too.
The main asset for ISIS is a huge fleet of stolen Toyota trucks, which ISIS collects because they are self-driving vehicles. Toyota trucks feature sticky accelerators, and this driverless technology lets ISIS turn trucks themselves into suicide bombers. ISIS also has a huge stock of shiny new Humvees, sheep-whores, boy-whores ("bacha bazi"), helicopters, opium, girly magazines, fighter planes, ornamental concrete barricades, double ended dildo power plants, and a huge computer network they can use to identify and kill people at checkpoints who once talked to the wrong guy. They found these neatly tied up in Christmas packages tagged "To Whomever Conquers These Losers", left behind by legions of Iraqi soldiers implementing step 1 in nation-building (run awaaaaaaay!). To this can be added more than $9000 billion in funds they looted from a bank in Mosul, in the form of an IOU from "the guys who embezzled the Americans' mooooney!" They're working on getting it cashed. When they're not jacking off to pictures of Britney Spears.
Against the mighty forces of ISIS are arrayed a vast panoply of America's newest friends in the region: Assad, Iran, and Hezbollah. No word yet if the North Koreans are joining in. For $100 million a day the Turks and Saudi Arabia might get involved. The goal is to smash all the ISIS equipment the U.S. provided them, then give America's new friends the same equipment, then replace the equipment for the "liberated" Iraq. At 2% cost plus that's enough profit to buy half the U.S., mostly borrowed from China in exchange for a promise they can put brain implants in future generations and use them for cheap labor.
Like all fourth world shitstains, ISIS has a weakness for soccer. These poor sand ninjas love soccer so Allah damn much, they have resorted to using decapitated human heads as soccer balls. Guys! It's okay! We can drop, like, a million soccer balls with Mohammed's face printed on them in Dabiq, Syria. Your homemade balls aren't up to World Cup regulations! And several goalies have complained. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "head the ball." That's definitely a red card.
Like global warming-denier Michael Crichton said, environmentalism is a religion; and ISIS are fanatical environmentalists. Realizing that terrorism is probably the only way to slow down climate change at this point and knowing that liberals are too spineless to use it, ISIS is a group of desert-dwelling eco-terrorists fighting climate change because the desert is hot as balls by blowing up cars and planes and convoys and tourists and military servicepeople on tour. Yet they still want recruits to fly to join them, and drive around in gasoline-powered trucks since Islam was born on a sea of oil. This whole do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do hypocrisy from another group is deeply unsettling to America, which was founded on
freedom hypocrisy. It intrudes on America's status as hypocrisy superpower. Nothing bothers America more than when other countries do it too, since America is the hipster of hypocrisy. I mean, if you're trying to start your own country, you can't just occupy the land and use war and expansion and kill off the indigenous population. Who does ISIS think it is, America Israel?
ISIS is a big believer in the maxim to reduce, reuse, recycle. By reducing ancient ruins to rubble, reusing human heads as footballs, or recycling Saddam Hussein's military weaponry, ISIS is committed to protecting
the environment desert wasteland. ISIS is also a big lover of green energy, which is why Republicans hate them. Realizing they needed to ween themselves off their addiction to oil, in August 2014 ISIS took control of Iraq's largest hydroelectric dam on the Tigris River which powers the city of Mosul. Pundits were afraid ISIS might blow up the dam and flood the city, but what really irritated America is that ISIS's commitment to renewable energy made America look bad.
Since whitey's first contact with the Orient, it's been repeatedly observed that individuals of Middle Eastern and North African descent have a penchant for raping boys. Some argue that this is a product of the culture's intense misogyny, the limited availability of goats (sandniggers' preferred sexual partners) during droughts, and/or a desire to avoid pregnancy. Whatever the case, pederasty is widespread in the Islamic world -- and, much like the pagan winter solstice custom of decorating a tree has become part of the practice of Christianity, the dune-coon custom of fucking one another in the ass has become part of Islam, notwithstanding harsh Koranic penalties for homosexuality. Therefore, it's no surprise that male-on-male sex is a major ISIS pastime.
The Daily Beast reported recently that a website surfaced in 2014 which "purported to show members of ISIS engaged in gay sex acts and poses," and that "[certain] details -- men wearing a certain kind of camouflage and with ISIS flags in the background -- suggested some of the pictures were real." /r/equests to 4chan for these photos have been unavailing, but lulz connoisseurs should keep looking.
The same article reports:
ISIS dun fucked up
Just recently, ISIS had gotten such big balls that they decided to celebrate early by taking a selfie of their success. Sensing that their poison on society was spreading, good ol' Murica decided to cure it in the only way they know how, by tracking the cell phone that did it, which by coincidence was right by their HQ, and punish them rightfully by bombing the living fuck out of it the very next day. That'll teach them to use America's cancer. Special thanks to the selfie taker that's likely being fed to the horny rabid goats by now.
What to do if you encounter an ISIS supporter
Pull their beard and run!
Light their beard on fire
Steal the flag
Turn them in for reward money
Become a vigilante
President Trump vs ISIS
Rumor is ISIS is celebrating The Donald Trumps victory because he will destroy America. They have no idea what Trump is wanting to do to those mid east sand niggers. ISIS day's are numbered especially with Putin as an Allie.
What Trump will do to ISIS
- ISIS propaganda video -Isis doing drive by shootings and killing Iraqi soldiers. Really hardcore shit.
- ISIS jokes about using severed head as soccer ball
- Apparently, US Intelligence is watching out for re-tweeters
- ISIS helps pwn itself
- The unholy alliance between gingers and ISIS.
- Al Qaeda
- How To Join ISIS
- Abu Hajaar - ISIS Superstar
- Boko Haram
- Jake Bilardi
- James Foley - PWN'd by ISIS
|Featured article December 29 & 30, 2014|
| Preceded by
|Islamic State of Iraq and Syria|| Succeeded by|
|Featured article May 25 & 26, 2017|
| Preceded by
Ariana Grande Massacre
|Islamic State of Iraq and Syria|| Succeeded by|