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Illegal

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I remember reading this joke in a children's book.

When hanging out on the internet, you will inevitably do something that others will tell you is "illegal". So your question is, what does "illegal" really mean? Follow this helpful guide and your confusion will vanish like car stereos around Mexicans.

Things that are illegal

So the first question is what things are illegal? While the actual list is so long that it would only fit on longcat's back, one simple guideline can be provided that covers nearly every eventuality; anything that is any fun is by definition illegal. The more fun it is, the more time in jail you serve for it.

Pirating

God's own truth

Many of you may enjoy music, television series, and movies, but have spent all of your money on hookers and blow. So, you go for the obvious solution and decide to get all of your media for free. Unfortunately, all media companies are run by greedy Jews who rage at the thought of their work pleasing anyone without being paid for. As such, you will see intensely whiny warnings appearing all over the web, warning you of the consequences of internet piracy. Or funny commercials that tell you, "You wouldn't steal a car". It is important to remember though, that when you download music, you are downloading communism. Although not something the Van Police are typically involved in, the RIAA and MPAA have crack teams of lawyers and hackers out to catch the pirates by any means necessary.

If you are dumb enough to fall into one of their traps, or torrent without a proxy, you can try any one of the following clever solutions. You can claim that it wasn't you but a friend who came over and used your internet. Or that "a proxy server stole my IP". Or the ever popular "OKAY IT WAS ME! Please don't sue me! I won't do it again! I'll suck your dick!". Whatever you choose to do, make sure that you tell them you downloaded the file for the lulz. They will typically want you to pay several times inthe worth of your stolen media in a settlement, and unless you feel like making a spectacle, you should probably pay it and consider it a retard tax. If you resist them, it will only make their pensises harder, and they will drop a lawsuit on you so big you will have to go into bakruptcy to cover it.

To stay completely clear, we also recommend you avoid things that might even remotely be considered piracy, such as watching youtube, opening a web-browser, or owning a computer. All open-source software will become illegal in the 2015 Disney-Microsoft-Viacom revisions to the DMCA-PATRIOT Act-FISA bill that will be passed unanimously by both House and Senate. This also coincides with Microsoft's projected release date of their "final" version of MSWord, so enjoy OpenOffice while you can jackass!

Drugs

File:Mmmvalium.jpg
Valium, without it your mom would have committed suicide years ago

Life is fucking tough, and if you are at all like the average person, you need several hundred milligrams of synthetic happiness daily just to avoid committing suicide. As usual however, there are some morally uptight, self-righteous fucks who are standing between you and your pills. Plied by snake-ish politicians, the sheep-ish denizens of many countries are conned into passing stupid fucking laws banning any substance that gives anyone any kind of pleasure. Whenever someone mentions that maybe grown-ups are big enough to decide for themselves what goes into their bodies, cries of "Think of the children!" and "Not in my nieghborhood!" and "Ron Paul 012" go up. The irony of the situation is that if these people were allowed to access the drugs that they so desperately need, they would be much, much more amicable to the entire situation.

If you find yourself in need of drugs, simply contact your neighborhood dealer. If you live in a place that is too candy-assed to have its own dealer, simply find a middle-aged woman or kid with ADHD, and steal/buy/fuck them for their meds. The cops are always on anti-lulz patroll, so if you see them coming, ingest all of the drugs on your person at once. Remember, it is not actually illegal to do drugs, just to possess them. This is another good reason for getting out of the basement once in awhile, as making friends/drug hookups leads to a richer, fuller life.

The only important thing to remember when doing drugs, is that if you OD, your friends will simply abandon you and leave you to die. This is because drugs are illegal, and they want to stay free and un-raped more than they want you alive. That and they were tired of you anyway.

CP

File:SomegoodCP.jpg
Wrong kind of CP. Still pretty sexy

We've all been there, we've all seen the images, in many cases, we've seen the videos. CP is a long and time honored internet tradition that has serious IRL consequences. People are very touchy about their children, and they do not want anyone but themselves to touch them. In general they are very effective about this; this is why 95% of all child molestations are comitted by a family member. The other 5% are committed by Chris Hansen. We here at ED are sympathetic to the fact that you have explored every last sick fetish in existence and CP is the only thing left that gets you off, but the Authorities do not see things our way in this, as in so many other things. If you do choose to store CP on your computer, we suggest you hide it by giving it a clever name (e.g. Notcp.jpg), leaving it in a shared folder, and installing Norton on your computer. Also, consult 4chan.org and Anontalk for a good guide on how to build an auto-destruct system for your computer that you can trigger when the feds bust down your door.

If you are caught with the smallest amount of CP on your computer, you will face 4 distinct forms of assrape. The first is metaphorical, in that the police will arrest you and sentence you to a good long spell in prison. The second is financial. The child in the picture will sue you for an insane amount of money 1, and given the size of your collection, you can expect man many lawsuits. The third is emotional, as you will probably be chemically castrated, and be turned into more of a weak-willed woman than you already are. The fourth and final is literal, as bubba will have a good, long time to deal with you.

Harassment

The average settlement for an image like this is $10,000 dollars

Possibly THE most illegal thing that you could ever do on the internet. This is a horrendous crime that is in no way, shape, or form tolerated by ED. The internet is a place where we should all play nicely, so god help you if you do anything to make even the most sensitive Aspie bawww the tiniest bit. If you do you are opening yourself up to an insane raping from a penis made of lolsuits. This means that you should avoid at all costs defaming someone's character, stalking them, stealing their copyrighted work without permission, or saying anything that could be in any way construed to not be nominating an individual for godhood.

ED has a zero tolerance policy on harassment, and if we find that any article you have written offends it's subject, it will be TAKEN DOWN IMMEDIATELY. ED responds to ALL petitions to take down articles, DMCA complaints, and legal threats. All of these policies are in accordance with ED's objective of becoming the friendliest place on the internet.

If you are ever threatened by a lawlsuit, too bad buddy, you are FUCKED. Judges worldwide are notoriously sympathetic to fat virgin retards who are upset that you called them a sick fuck after they showed you their drawing of Bender getting assboned by a tranny-Maggie Simpson. And if you reproduced this sick image on another website to show others how sick this person is, the judge will likely order your entire family killed. If the victim is in a different country than you are, this only makes it even easier for them to sue you. Try to imagine being back in Kindergarten where calling another child a homo got you sent to the principle's office. The internet is far more strict than that, so watch your filthy fucking mouth you cock-mongling Jew.

Substances that are Illegal

Three guesses.

See Also

External Links