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Illinois

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'Nuff said.

Illy-NOISE is a state in the Midwest just under Wisconsin and just above Kentucky. Most people who find out that you're from Illinois then proceed to ask "Are you from Chicago?" which infuriates those who aren't and those who are. Most of the population outside the cities consist of laid-off union workers, neo-nazis, farmers with nothing better to do, and retired old people who are waiting to die. The state is divided between North and South, roughly about at Springfield.

Contents

History

Illinois was founded at least 100 years ago by French fur trappers in hopes of having a new heaven on Earth, but this was quickly shot down by the Native Americans and the European settlers, because they both hate yiffers and the natives needed some more of that firewater. It is due to this hatred of the French and their furfappery that Illinois would go on to build the F40PH. Shortly after clearing off the furfag menace, the settlers, doing what they do best when some minority encroaches on the land, blew the fuck out of the natives, and started plunking their fat, Germanic asses on the land.

At some point, Abraham Lincoln showed up and decided to be a lawyer, but then got to DC and freed all the nigras after sending Ulysses S. Grant and William Tecumseh Sherman to deliciously raep the South for all of its cotton, slaves, and tight asshole, no lube for extra burn. Shortly afterward, Ronald Reagan was born in Tampico.

During the Cold War, because Illinois was out of the reach of the Soviet Intercontinental Ballisti-dicks, a lot of military installations of US ICBMs were installed in Illinois, primarily around East St. Louis, because even if a Russian nuked the nuke field, it would do us all a favor by removing East St. Louis from the map.

Sometime last Thursday, all the good politicians decided to GTFO and left all the cronies and mobsters in charge. Srsly, the last 2 governors are either in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison or on their way. Some argue that the politicians will pull their head out of their ass and work to fix the goddamned roads that are getting ruts and bridges that look really sturdy. We first need to reclaim the money that Blago blew on hair gel. After all this crap, don't you feel better at night knowing that someone from this state is in charge of the free world?

When visiting Illinois, try to get the fuck out of Illinois as soon as possible.

Geography

Illinois is fucking flat. We're talking Itty Bitty Titty Committee here. Part of the driftless zone is in the Northwest corner, resulting in roads that were built to go straight up and down, Wile E. Coyote style. Southern Illinois has oil wells and coal mines, while Northern Illinois is full of nuclear plants and wind farms.

Major Cities in Illinois

Chicago:---See Article Hear

Rockford:Once a major manufacturer of power tools, those jobs went overseas, and now the city is infested with blacks and Mexicans. Pretty much everything in Rockford is made out of concrete. Brick building? Concrete. Steel Girder Bridge? Concrete. Your Mom? Concrete. There is a river that is not made out of concrete, but it doesn't appear to be made out of water either. It is Illinois' answer to Michigan's Detroit and Pennsylvania's Pittsburgh. Enjoy your unemployment.

Peoria: Supposedly they used to build Caterpillar tractors here, but no one remembers. In the mid 90's there was a nasty strike between the United Steelworkers and Caterpillar management that resulted in fires, overturned cars, and most of Caterpillar moving out of Illinois to non-union states.

Moline/Rock Island: Used to have an asston of tractor factories until Caterpillar and Case/IH pulled out. Still have John Deere and the Rock Island Arsenal. Separated from Iowa by the Mississippi River.

Bloomington/Normal: Part insurance company, part college town, all fail. Doesn't even have a good bar district, and if you want to see a concert you have to hitch it to Peoria or Chicago. Full of hipsters and weeaboos.

Springfield: Some argue that this is the real home of The Simpsons, given the fact that it has a Nuclear Power plant nearby with an excellent safety record, and that their city government (and state government) are so screwed up it's funny. The homeless live in gas stations around the city.

East St. Louis: Snooki wouldn't last a day here. East St. Louis is the epitome of niggerville with enough hookers, blow, and gangfights to make Detroit look like San Francisco. The only economy here is drug dealing, boat gambling, shooting your neighbor, and operating the trains that go into St. Louis. No white people live here, only Black, Mexican, and Guido. This is also known as Missouri's answer to Detroit.

Aurora, Elgin, Joliet: See Chicago

LULZy shit to happen here


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