Inheritance

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Inheritance is a crap fantasy book series written by hack writer Christopher Paolini. The series has sold over 9000 copies and caused everyone and their moms to declare Paolini a prodigy, because apparently he wrote it when he was 15 years old. Of course, if you do any research on the subject, you'll quickly learn that young Christopher only started writing Eragon, the first brick in this series, when he was 15, and everyone has simply gotten confused because of Knopf's Jew marketing lies. He was actually nineteen when he finally finished the damn thing, giving him plenty of time to perfect the art of plagiarism.

What is even more obvious is the sole reason it got published is because his family owns a fucking publishing company. Anyone with a brain can figure out pretty quickly that Paolini just took the plot outline from Star Wars, removed all the nouns, and replaced them with slightly altered shit from Lord of the Rings, meanwhile the dragons are directly ripped off from Dragonriders of Pern.

Much like Twilight, Inheritance is a series that fails on a million levels, yet is inexplicably adored by thousands of retarded fans the world over. Look at it this way: Eragon is to literature what Naruto is to Ramen.

Eragon

The cover is about the most well done part of this brick.

Eragon Skywalker is a whiny fifteen-year-old farm boy who discovers a magic rock while out hunting one day. The rock hatches into a dragon, and so an old man named Obi-Brom Kenobi decides through unspoken consent to take him to go join the Varden Alliance, a group of terrorists. Eragon's uncle Garrow Lars gets pwnt by the Empire, pissing him off and making him swear vengeance. He travels across the land, joining forces with a daring rogue named Murtagh Solo by unspoken consent, rescuing a beautiful princess from the evil empire, and learning how to master the supernatural powers and discipline of a nearly extinct group of warriors who once protected the land before the evil empire killed them all. Also, Obi-Brom dies. In the end, young Eragon and his dragon join the terrorists by unspoken consent and fight a great battle that ends in victory for the Varden (but not the readers, unfortunately).

Eldest

Eragon heads to the woods to meet up with some elves and learn more magic. The elves love to brag about how they are at least 10 times more powerful than humans, but mentally they are hand-picked to be the epitome of hippy weeniness. They never leave their woods to get shit done (they just complain to wanderers), nor do they breed or eat meat. Eragon is forced to become an elf-human, because dragons prefer the image of unused potential and pansiness. Meanwhile, his cousin Roran finally manages to get some, before his pussy is kidnapped. By unspoken consent, he convinces an entire village of people to abandon their homes and go on a perilous journey down the coastline so he can ask Eragon for help in saving his only source of poon. Eragon then fights another great battle, where he learns that Murtagh is both a traitor and his brother.

If that description seemed shorter to you than the one for Eragon, that's because Eldest, despite being a longer book, actually manages to say less than its predecessor, making it an amazing example of tl;dr.

Brisingr

I wonder if the last book will have a dragon on the cover too? (Spoiler alert: It does.)

The last book in the Inheritance Trilogy is...wait. Fuck. Paolini actually made the third book so damn big that it couldn't fit in one brick, so he split it into two. Now there will be even more of this crap clogging up bookshelves and draining the pockets of worshiping simpletons.

Going hand-in-hand with the fact that the book is the result of Paolini's habit of writing like his pen was his dick, the book is almost entirely filler. However, the book is notable for introducing furries to the world of Alagaesia, so expect an ungodly amount of yiff to start appearing in droves of poorly written Eragon fanfiction already out there. Oh, except for the naked male/horned male oil wrestling for an utterly contrived reason proving once and for all the series is nothing more than an overly long wet dream that beats out the competition for faggiest fiction around. By unspoken consent.

Inheritance

The fourth and thankfully final book in the series. As expected, the book was basically just Return of the Jedi but with fantasy elements rather than sci-fi. The Rebel Alliance make their attack on the Uru-Baen Star and free the land from the oppression of the evil emperor, Darth Galbatorix.

As expected, the last ever green dragon hatches to the aforementioned beautiful princess, the super-evil-I-swear King discovers the true name of Magic and uses it to 1337h4x the universe. Just when all hope of victory seems lost, Darth Murtagh has a sudden case of troll's remorse and turns on his master, using his own power against him. The farm-boy-turned-Jedi has a four-week long fuckfest with the hawt elf chick and then leaves to find a better place with her after defeating the big bad guys by using a previously unknown stash of dragon hearts in the Vault of Deus Ex Machinas that everybody can vaguely remember. Paolini is a master of foreshadowing. Also, there's a part in the book where Eragon Skywalker comes to the startling realization that the world is round, which no one in their sophisticated and advanced society had ever known before.

The Movie

Like any bestselling piece of shit, Eragon was turned into an equally shitty movie. It was so bad that even die hard fans of the book hated it, but for all the wrong reasons. Instead of hating it for being based on a terrible book, they hated it for making changes to a terrible book.


   
 
Godawful, just godawful, like beyond bad. Toilet water I would rather drink, in long slow gulps, than watch this again.
 

 
 

—Anonymous

   
 
Personally, I think this movie topped lord of the rings. It's not nearly as cliche and includes more fantasy. At least the main character isn't as hopelessly helpless and frodo was.
 

 
 

—Retard

   
 
TERRIBLE!!! It has nothing to do with the book except for the names of the characters and throws the plot out the window! Tthe dialogue was cheesy, the directing terrible. The only possitive point was the way the dragon looked. All in all a terrible movie that deserves to be toasted by the dragon, if I was Christopher Poalini I would commit suicide for having my book portrayed in that matter!
 

 
 

—Inheritard, not realizing that Paolini should an hero for writing the book in the first place

Dragon rape is sooo original and interesting!

Other Stolen Ideas

Not only did Paolini decide he was going to rewrite Star Wars in LotR-style, but he was also going to pull a Tolkien and try to create his own version of the elven and dwarvish languages. Needless to say, the 'languages' sound like utter garbage, and were probably created by Paolini mashing his cock over his keyboard and then adding in some key vowels to make the words comprehensible. The result is an inconsistent pseudo-dictionary that he includes in the back of each brick, and he even goes as far as to address his readers in this language in his 'message to the reader' section of his books.

The Fans

Visit any Inheritance related forum and you'll quickly learn that Inheritards are the male equivalents of the sixteen-year-old girls who primarily make up the Twilight fanbase. They are often idiotic, irrational, obsessed to the point of making death threats, and they type like Michael J. Fox. They are also have a chronic obsession with raep of all shapes and sizes, and want for every character in the book to raep people so it can be interesting

Men are ebil because they want to rape wimminz!1!
It's not violent rape, okai? It's "forced mating"!!!
Don't let your morals get in the way of my OTP!!!
The bad guy could just rape her with his mind... That would get rid of all the bloody mess!
Give me MOAR hawt non-con dragon pr0n!!
Ever wonder what would happen to you if you WERE to read these books? A glimpse into the mind of a former IC fag a few years on.

Now What?

Now that you have read the books, and watched the godawful movie, the only thing to do would be to buy all kinds of paraphernalia, and brag to your friends (I'm sure they will enjoy that). Sadly if you have done this, the only thing for you to do now is an hero. But make sure you did it for something Inheritance related.

External Links

Official Inheritance Website

Chapter-by-chapter mockery of this series, among others. Baleeted by money-grubbing sitehosting Jews.

Shurtugal Fansite. Accordingly, infested with Inheritards.

Official Shurtugal Forums The forums of the fansite. You know what that means you should do.

Lytherus Forums A spin-off of the old IF after IF died and was reborn as a shittier version of itself with a core of users devoted to anime, gay rights and some random neoconservative bullshit. The current active userbase is 100% virginal, except for Stan. A few Anti-Shurtugal people, mostly The Black Manga, still appear from time to time to give CP some shit.

Anti-Shurtugal Site dedicated to tearing apart Inheritance in the name of good literature. Recently has taken to raping Twilight too, which is always good.

See Also

Inheritance
is part of a series on
Twifrog.jpg
[Fuck reading. Just use Sparknotes.See Also]