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From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Internets is the largest collection of dossiers on the planet.
To put it simple, the internet is like an autisic AI program.
Invented by Al Gore and pluralized by Dubya, the internets have become the new center of world communication. Technically speaking, the WWWord Internets came into being during the 2004 presidential elections when Dubya spawned multiple clones of the Internet by saying "there are rumors on the Internets." Needless to say, like all brilliant things Bush said, "Internets" became a reality.
However, according to the Bible:
- 1:1 - In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
- 1:2 - And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
- 1:3 - And God said, Let there be Internet: and there was Internet
- 1:4 - And God saw the Internet, that it was kinda "meh": and so God divided the Internet from the Internets.
Since the dawn of the time, there have actually been two separate entities know as the Internet: the plain, old, boring NORPy Internet, where normalfags who call themselves Netizens go to do shit like online banking, shop on Amazon, play online poker and put stuff on like it was a truck and the Internets, (where you are now) where nerds, hackers and haters go to lurk moar, troll, flame, post noodz and generally lulz it up. Obviously, the latter is much moar fun, infinitely moar interesting and a provides a home for a diverse crowd of society's outcasts and malignant narcissists.
The parallel universes that are the Internet and teh Internets have very little in common, the exception being the Internets' primary directive which -as everybody knows- is the delivery of pr0n.
Though immensely complex due to the large amount of tubes involved, there are a handful Internet Experts, most notably Kim Jong Il.
The Internets are a place where bored, lonely losers from all backgrounds and areas of society whine to each other about how they're not getting laid. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes. They are primarily used to transfer information between tech-savvy individuals across the planet. It is used as a giant dating/comedy website by everyone else. The phrase itself was originally coined by the previous ruler of earth, Xenu. They have, in recent years, evolved into the greatest MMORPG of all time, where players choose one of two factions and compete for either lulz or anti-lulz. This of course divides into many smaller classes and such, each with their own culture, ideas, and often language. In fact, the Internets are basically an electronic version of Earth - who woulda' thunk it?
Who'd a thunk it? Well, originally, no one. But, they're catching on ...
At Kansas State University, an anthropology professor, Michael Wesch, link mwesch is approaching the "Internets" from an academic view. And he's doing very well.
Here is some of what his students have made:
Facts about the internet
The internet is an alternate dimension, where all men have a penis bigger than average, all women are hot, and everyone can become an expert without needing to know anything about the subject they are talking about.
This is serious bullshit.
(includes e-penis stroking and SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS)
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The internet was invented by the United States. The internet was ruined by Al Gore when he wrote a check to some scientists to make the first graphical web browser. With a GUI now available, people on my main street could finally realize the limitless power of computing via AOL chatrooms. Though AOL is dead and is only used by women who haven't been forced by their boyfriends to use a better browser, it was the gate that let the retards in. Seizing upon these inexperienced, confused, and curious users, crafty businessmen developed Web 2.0, social networking, and user generated content (the common cold that killed the AIDS-afflicted internet). Also, the internet is like a toilet, shit goes in and it never comes out.
OMG NOBEL PRIZE FTW!!1Nobel Committee in Norway nominated "the internet" for the Nobel Peace Prize. Srsly. The nomination for the internet is supported by 2003 Nobel Peace Prize winner Shirin Ebadi and the founder of the $100 laptop project Nicholas Negroponte. The winner will be announced on 8 October, with a 10m Swedish kronor ($1.4m) prize to be awarded to the winnars, presumably everyone who uses the internet. Dividing the $1.4M prize by the total number of internet users worldwide (1,733,993,741 as of 2009) means that YOU will receive a check for 0.000807 cents from the Nobel Committee, along with your gold medal and framable certificate, should the internet win.
ICANN has decreed that Mr. Roy Harms, (aka Pedobear) will accept the prize on behalf of the internet if the global information infrastructure is named as the 2010 Nobel Laureate for Peace.
The Internets were developed by Al Gore at the request of the U.S. military in the early 1960s as an expedient means by which to share pornography between various installations in continental United States and later, in Europe and Asia. Pornography was largely illegal at the time and before the virtuous self-sacrifice of Larry Flynt, one could find a few tit shots here and there, but pink and penetration were considered criminal obscenity punishable by death, followed by castration. In order to evade mail searches by officious police and customs officials, Internet pornography was sent by means of kibbles n' bits n' bytes, which could only be deciphered by powerful computers. One of the primary goals for the nascent system was that it be hardened enough to be available after a nuclear war, at which point porn would help to pass the time waiting for your hair to fall out, and might even be exchangeable for money or (perversely) sex.
The Vietnam War spurred further development of the Internet, in order to both allow the transfer of high quality American pornography to the troops stationed in Asia, and allow fresh CP taken in Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos, and Thailand to quickly be transferred back to the United States. In the 1972, the decision was made to extend Internet service to American research universities, after sources at the Pentagon determined that students at MIT had a copy of Deep Throat that they would upload if given the opportunity. Although it is still often referred to as the Interweb, a reference to the spider web which once carried optical signals, this term is now technically incorrect, as information is now passed through a series of tubes, more akin to a sewer system.
The Internets (formally known as the "Al Gore Experience"), a magical cloud of information that floats over your head in the stratosphere, was invented at least 100 years ago by Al Gore and pluralized by George W. Bush. At first it was used only by the Army, ensuring that in the event of nuclear war, officers could still view porn. Some time around 1981 or 2007 (if you're a FAG!!!1!), some guy in his basement found that he could use his Atari 2600 with his 300 baud modem to steal the Internet for himself. Five years later, AOL streamlined this process and the Internets as we know them now were born. Only these days, there is way moar free pr0n and moar warez. It is rumoard there may be small pockets of useful information hidden deep in the bowels of the Internets. This has been proven to be false. Presently, scientists believe the Internets to be the greatest proof that most of our species is totally fucking batshit insane, outdoing even the Holocaust and white people.
The Internets is also unique to history in one way. Any person who uses the Internets has no idea what they're doing on it, with the exception of boxxy, attention whores, and people who use Facebook. Whereas most people who use a car know the basics of driving, no one on the Internets has a damn clue how to use the Internets. While the functional value of the Internet may be debated, its comedic value is off the charts. It has also been scientifically proven that the moar you use the Internets, the less you will get smex.
The Internets are also the domain of Anonymous, who believe it to be an IRL VG. It has, however, been scientifically proven that this is not the case. However, nobody has bothered to tell Anonymous, even though we all know where they live. (The official homepage of Anonymous. Dare not dispute this with your faggotry.
The internet is a worldwide electronic communications and multimedia network and was invented by Al Gore in 1998. It originally started as a more convenient way to circulate chain letters and advertisements, but has since evolved into a repository for pornography and educational information.
Contrary to popular belief, the internet is not a truck, but is, rather, a series of tubes. These tubes were first put in place by immigrant labor in the early 1900s, but credit for this innovation lies with the white people who toiled in hostile conditions for days on end, whipping the immigrants endlessly, and telling them to do it. When the internet first came online, it was very difficult for its users to come online as well. (Female users generally came later or not at all.) The tubes that made up the original framework had rusted considerably over the last century, and developed performance inhibiting bottlenecks where stray ones and zeros became tangled and matted together. This made it impossible to even approach the ranges of PPPs (Porn Picture Per Second) that could be considered fappable in modern society. In order to alleviate all that was backed up, in 1999 larger diameter tubes were ordered installed worldwide.
After this transition, the average users PPPs increased by an order of magnitude, which had the unintended effect of doubling both the divorce rate and instances of carpal tunnel syndrome, as well as tennis elbow and fappers thumb. Also of concern was the use of the internet by pedophiles and Nigerian con men.
As a measure against some of the more nefarious evildoers, in 2001 President Bush ordered all dark corners of the Internets to be cleared of lurkers. This is somewhat of a misstatement, though, as it is commonly known that the tubes are round, and thus free of corners. Regardless, congress promptly passed the Snake Act, which required that all tubes be periodically scraped and flushed of debris. The then popular web browser Mosaic was renamed Netscrape in honor of this glorious achievement.
Having solved all the problems with the internet in one fell swoop, users were now free to divulge their personal information with impunity through the use of social networking sites. However, additional complications have arisen subsequent to an Amendment to the Constitution that finally gave women the right to log on. One problematic effect of that controversial decision that remains even today is the inability to establish the actual gender of anonymous correspondents. This has led most users to adopt the edict, "Male until proven otherwise."
Additionally, the open nature of the internet and the lack of user education has led to many viruses infecting and propagating through cyberspace. While it is commonly known now that accessing the internet without protection is risky, the whole issue is complicated by a convoluted naming convention that labels some viruses "Trojans", which causes much confusion as to whether or not users need one, considering the internet has its own. This confusion has resulted in a number of illnesses that inhibit users' abilities to create original content.
The most notable is First! Syndrome, which has a 12% saturation at the time of this writing. Other examples include Playdooms Disorder and Blends Disease, although these have been shown to be curable with treatment. Unfortunately, First! Syndrome is still incurable and its victims are often ostracized when the fact of their infection becomes public. While a harsh practice, it is the only known effective method of curbing an ever climbing infection rate.
The internet continues to grow and enhance itself with the steady addition of newer, larger tubes, and shows no sign of slowing down. Although the internet remains troubled, most people do not think it is teh suck.
What is the Internets?
The Internet is Serious Business
Serious business on the internet is the result of antisocial lusers suddenly having a means to communicate with each other through the magic of the tube truck, or whatever, and the collective realization that whatever happens online is more important than anything you will ever do IRL, because your life means nothing, and you are pretty pathetic overall. Thereby, whenever a conflict arises OL it's DAMN important. When you have nothing else to do with your day every slight, disagreement, or misunderstanding automatically becomes SERIOUS BUSINESS. When an entire culture is based around blowing things out of proportion, you can expect things to go awry on a fairly regular basis.
A basic understanding
The following message was first given when the internet was invented by the hivemind.
"No one here likes you.
We're going to offend, insult, abuse, and belittle the living hell out of you. And when you rail against us with "FUCK YOU, YOU (insert derogatory insult)!!", we smile to ourselves. We laugh at you because you don't get it. Then we turn up the heat, hoping to draw more entertainment from your irrational fuming.
We will judge you, and we will find you unworthy. It is a trial by fire, and we won't even think about turning down the flames until you finally understand.
Some of you are smart enough to realize that, when you go online, it's like entering a foreign country ... and you know better than to ignorantly fuck with the locals. You take the time to listen and think before speaking. You learn, and by learning are gladly welcomed.
For some of you, it takes a while, then one day it all dawns on you - you get it, and are welcomed into the fold.
Some of you give up, and we breathe a sigh of relief - we didn't want you here anyway. And some of you just never get it. The offensively clueless have a special place in our hearts - as objects of ridicule. We don't like you, but we do love you.
You will get mad. You will tell us to go to hell, and call us "nerds" and "geeks", and faggots. Don't bother ... we already know exactly what we are. And, much like the way hardcore rap has co-opted the word "nigger", turning an insult around on itself to become a semi-serious badge of honor, so have we done.
But in the meanwhile, check out this, he's fat
"How dare you! I used to beat the crap out of punks like you in high school/college!" You may have owned the playing field because you were an athlete. You may have owned the student council because you were more popular. You may have owned the hallways and sidewalks because you were big and intimidating. Well, welcome to our world.
Things like athleticism, popularity, and physical prowess mean nothing here. We place no value on them ... or what car you drive, the size of your bank account, what you do for a living or where you went to school.
Allow us to introduce you to the concept of a "meritocracy" - the closest thing to a form of self-government we have. In The United Meritocratic nation-states of the Internet, those who can do, rule. Those who wish to rule, learn. Everyone else watches from the stands.
You may posses everything in the off-line world. We don't care. You come to the internet penniless, lacking the only thing of real value here: knowledge.
"Who cares? The internet isn't real anyway!" This attitude is universally unacceptable. The internet is real. Real people live behind those handles and screen names. Real machines allow it to exist. It's real enough to change government policy, real enough to feed the world's hungry, and even, for some of us, real enough to earn us a paycheck. Using your own definition, how "real" is your job? Your stock portfolio? Your political party? What is the meaning of "real", anyway?
Do I sound arrogant? Sure ... to you. Because you probably don't get it yet.
If you insist on staying, then, at the very least, follow this advice:
- 1.) No one, ESPECIALLY YOU, will make any law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
- 2.) Use your brain before ever putting fingers to keys.
- 3.) Do you want a picture of you getting anally raped by Bill Clinton while you're performing oral sex on a cow saved to hundreds of thousands of people's hard drives? No? Then don't put your fucking picture on the internet. We can, will, and probably already HAVE altered it in awful ways. Expect it to show up on an equally offensive website.
- 4.) Realize that you are never, EVER going to get that, or any other, offensive web page taken down. Those of us who run those sites LIVE to piss off people like you. Those of us who don't run those sites sometimes visit them just to read the hatemail from fools like you.
- 5.) Oh, you say you're going to a lawyer? Be prepared for us to giggle with girlish delight, and for your lawyer to laugh in your face after he explains current copyright and parody law.
- 6.) The worldwide web is not the internet. Stop referring to it that way.
- 7.) We have already received the e-mail you are about to forward to us. Shut up. and quit sending them to everyone on your email and instant messenger lists.
- 8.) Don't reply to spam. You are not going to be "unsubscribed".
- 9.) Don't ever use the term "cyberspace" (only William Gibson gets to say that, and even he hasn't really used it for two or three books now). Likewise, you prove yourself a marketing-hype victim if you ever use the term "surfing".
- 10.) With one or two notable exceptions, chat rooms will not get you laid, only ridiculed.
- 11.) It's a hoax, not a virus warning, and no, you don't have to pay for good anti-virus.
- 12.) The internet is made up of thousands of computers, all connected but owned by different people. Learn how to use *your* computer before attempting to connect it to someone else's.
- 13.) The first person who offers to help you is really just trying to fuck with you for entertainment. So is the second. And the third. And me.
- 14.) Never insult someone who's been active in any group longer than you have. You may as well paint a damn target on your back.
- 15.) Never get comfortable and arrogant behind your supposed mask of anonymity. Don't be surprised when your name, address, and home phone number get thrown back in your smug face. Hell, some of us will snail-mail you a printed satellite photograph of your house to drive the point home. Realize that you are powerless if this happens ... it's all public information, and information is our stock and trade.
- 16.) No one thinks you are as cool as you think you are.
- 17.) You aren't going to win any argument that you start.
- 18.) If you're on AOL or any form of dial-up, don't worry about anything I've said here. You're already a fucking laughing stock, and there's no hope for you.
- 19.) If you can't take a joke, immediately sell your computer to someone who can. RIGHT NOW.
- 20.) Your looks, age, wealth, and every trait about you doesn't matter on the internet. You are like everyone else on here, and how you act will show everyone how you are. You can still be a teenager and be mature, but guess what? The mature teenagers are the ones who's age is never found out, and boasting about how mature you are will show everyone that you are immature.
Pissed off? It's the TRUTH, not these words, that hurts your feelings. Don't ever even pretend like I've gone and hurt them.
We don't like you. We don't want you here. We never will. Save us all the trouble and go away."
—hivemind, on the internet,
A Series of Tubes
While digging a hole in his basement, Chairman of the Senate Internets Pwning Committee, Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) discovered that the Internets is not a big truck after all but actually just a series of tubes  and that said tubes are thoroughly clogged up from all the spam and porn. Mr. Stevens plans to learn how to use a computer in order to test his theory, sometime after he stops smoking crack and gets out of rehab.
—Anonymous, saying the truth.
Real Life Video Game
It was also discovered by Fox News that a group of domestic terrorists (hackers on steroids) had turned the web into a real-life video game. This game involves activities such as sacking websites, creating chaos, blowing up yellow vans and disrupting innocent people's lives.
Fox News actually did some fucking research and went to eBaum's World and discovered that "the self-proclaimed internet home for people who lack a social conscience," and such was home to people playing IRL games, such as shouting out old memes in public and pretending to have a girlfriend or friends
How It Works
No one knows how the Internets work, nor do they care. Extensive research by Alan Turing shows that they can have intelligence and be indistinguishable from people but it has since been deciphered that they communicate in very different ways.
- Computers talk like this:
- ONE ZERO ZERO ONE ZERO ZERO ONE ONE ONE ZERO!
- People talk like this
Neither one makes any sense but sometimes the computers replace the ONE ZERO stuff with BEEPS and BOOPS like on non-cable modems (the phone kind, aka dial-up). Because that travels over speech wires. Cable Modems are faster because they travel over TV. The scrolling stuff at the bottom of CNN Headline News is fast like a cable modem.
Everybody likes to flame people for asking for illegal warez, but in truth EVERYTHING on the internet is illegal. That includes YouTube, mp3s, and anything on 4chan. There is no such thing as legal on the Internets.
It has also been speculated that the Armenians have used their magic powers to give birth to the internet at least 100 years ago but this was dismissed as total bullshit. However, it was agreed that Jews did 9/11, and that Turkish culture is an oxymoron.
Also remember to think twice before you doing anything REALLY stupid because the Internet never forgets.
How 2 Internet
Just because you can hire an underpaid lonely tech support guy to set up your internet and show you how to use Google doesn't mean you are using the internet correctly. Just because you can watch and post videos on Youtube doesn't mean you are using the internet correctly, and if you ARE posting videos on Youtube, chances are you AREN'T using the internet correctly. Here are some simple steps to properly use your new internet:
- Abandon all sense of self worth, realize you are worthless on the internet, regardless of who you think you are.
- Get internets
- Uninstall AOL
- Get Firefox
- Pirate an antivirus program
- Get porn
- Don't be a fuckwit
- debate with like minded people
- View as many Shock sites as humanly possible to desensitize you.
- Don't be a nigger
- Get moar porn.
- Profit only if you're a giant multinational corporation
- Don't be Jewish.
- Don't be a Mexican
- Don't be a Furry
- Don't be a Brony
If you do not want to be a pirate nor view shock sites, we suggest that you follow steps 1,2,3,and 4 and then stop being a nigger and quit the internet.
The "internet phenomenon" is the tendency for suicide, murder, and rape to increase as people gain access to the internet. It is best described as an exponential curve which most developed countries are just starting to travel.
It's been scientifically proven that the Internets instantly turns you into an ass. This is due to the fact that unlike IRL, there are absolutely no social consequences to how you behave (e.g., using "internets" exclusively to refer to the internet, because it's "really funny" [in any context], and makes you a legitimate member of the community, with no subsequent mass slapdowns).
Anonymity also allows people to entertain bizarre notions that would otherwise be suppressed or dismissed as completely inappropriate for an intelligent human being. Prior to the invention of the Internets, geographic separation and social sensibility would have made people think twice before having a bowel movement in their under clothing. The Internets however has facilitated the formation of a communities where similarly damaged individuals provide each other with mutual legitimization.
Rumors on the Internets
Besides helping pedophiles better locate prey and giving basement-dwelling nerds a place to feel cool, the Internets has successfully promulgated moar rumors than any other previous form of media. Thanks to the Internets, if you can think of it, it probably has an associated rumor.
The most widely-known rumors are almost all "conspiracy-based," which is to say that they hinge upon an "us versus them" mindset (where "us" equals everything good and normal, and "them" equals everything wrong with the world). Some especially popular conspiracy rumors include:
- Conservative conspiracies
- Liberal conspiracies
- The Encyclopedia Dramatica conspiracy
- Homosexual conspiracies (also known as the Homosexual agenda)
- The worldwide Masonic conspiracy
- The Anti Internet Activists
- Most importantly, The Potato Conspiracy
- The MONGO DID WTC conspiracy
- The black person conspiracy
Of course, not all rumors are conspiracy-oriented; many are just stories spread by various sources about certain individuals or groups. Common subjects of rumor, as well as those vectors and groups by which they are spread, include:
- AOL Instant Messenger
- And most importantly Paris Hilton
As with all dangerous ideas created by humans, the internet and its hell-raising counterpart teh Internets do give users some side effects. Side effects include:
- Suicide over something pointless and/or a stupid situation that you could have prevented yourself
- Being found by a pedophile online, which will lead to you being left for dead in a ditch on the side of the road.
- Loss of your ability to spell words correctly.
- Being arrested because of something you did and/or said while online.
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- Eternal September
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- I heard it on the Internet
- Not Internet Relevant
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- Ruining The Internet
- Series of Tubes
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- The Internet is serious business
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|Featured article August 17, 2005|
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