Internet crush

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Your breath quickens and you feel the familiar excited prickle rush over your skin as you hit return, you can feel your heart beating in your chest and the moment seems to last an eternity, sitting and waiting for the little animated pen that means for certain you are being replied to. You just said something suggestive on the internet. This is how it begins. Perhaps one day you will share a coffee, then you will possibly share a bed, then maybe a long and happy life together. Or perhaps you will fork out the airfare to whichever shitty town he lives in (it is always a he, regardless of what you think) and end up nothing more than a severed head in a garage full of stuffed roadkill.

A successful internet crush leads to a happy marriage.

Do You Have an Internet Crush?[edit]

Welcome to the exciting world of the internet crush. Firstly it is prudent to establish whether or not you actually have an internet crush, as the early throes of internet love can be easy to confuse with other whorish personality disorders. Obviously, having met on the internet is a must however there are many other requisites for the truly internet smitten:

  • Do you try and get dox on the person in order to search for their IRL Facebook, MySpace, LiveJournal, and maybe a sneaky Google Streetview of their house?
  • Do you always know exactly what time it is in their timezone?
  • Do you spend more time talking to the person than your real-life friends?
  • Have you ever daydreamed about your possible future life with the person?
  • Do you know what transport routes you would have to take to get to where they are and how much it would cost?
  • Are you deliberately not dating right now because you feel loyal to them and would consider it cheating?
This girl does not have a true crush on you, she is just a clingy whore.

If you answered mostly yes, then congratulations, you have an internet crush. If you simply cyber and exchange n00dz over the internet and then meet people for casual sex unfortunately you do not meet the requirements for having an internet crush, but on the plus side you probably do have HIV. Which is always good.

The Cold Hard Facts[edit]

Unfortunately, 99% of internet crushes do not come to fruition, for many reasons. Many of these reasons boil down to distance issues, the apprehension of meeting someone you met online due to social stigma and personal fear. These are the issues that relatively normal people face in the wake of an internet crush, however a few reasons you will never live happily ever after with your internet crush are as follows:

This is your crush
  • No one will ever love you, because you are a terrible person.
  • Your internet crush is definitely a man, regardless of whether he admits it, and is definitely fifteen years older than he claims to be. This is a universal fact.
  • Your internet crush is definitely a rapist, and will brutally violate and maim you if ever you are stupid enough to meet up with him, and as previously mentioned, yes it is definitely a him.
  • The photos you showed him do not look even vaguely like you, and thus you may be saved from rape by your hideous appearance. See Fat Girl Angle Shot for more details.
  • You have an abrasive personality which is easily hidden on the internet, but not so much in real life.
  • He is having the exact same loved up IM conversation with at least five other girls, probably at the same time he is having it with you.
  • You are still a terrible person.

See Also[edit]

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