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Internet troll personality disorder
DSM fanboys and fangirls are hard at work on the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, due to be published some time so far from now the year will be in Stardate form. The most exciting announcement of the American Psychiatric Association so far is the inclusion of Internet troll personality disorder to the already impressive number of mental disorders.
Trolls have existed from the early days of the Internets and Usenet. Before them were the oracles, wizards, scientists, illuminati members, prophets, and natural leaders. Regular and fluid social interaction has kept such people in check, holding them back by fear and thus preventing these positive traits from manifesting. Fortunately, the anonymity the Internet offers, has paradoxically allowed people to show their true selves, with less brainwashing from social institutions.
Thechisa theorizes that ITPD is a mutant strain of the otherkin fixation, and on some subconscious level, its rabid afflicted believe themselves to be actual mythical trolls. There may be some truth to this, as their tendency to also be basement-dwelling nerds approximates the living conditions found underneath a bridge.
- A tendency to make the most useful, interesting comments.
- An 18 charisma score (O RLY) that draws the attention of users toward them.
- The ability to create ideas that flow from person to person nonstop until they have made everyone spend their time in the troll's valuable communique.
- Such a brilliant command of social engineering, that the troll can trick others into fighting amongst themselves on the internet endlessly. (i.e. crossposting to two opposing usenet groups, tricking them into starting a flame war, then sitting back and watching the fun)
- High intelligence (16 or higher)
- High degree of social skills IRL.
- Uses multiple usernames as sock puppets (the more the better)
- Establishes dominance in a community by using multiple usernames
Researchers have experimented with everything from shock therapy to furry porn to castration to treat Internet troll personality disorder with no success. The psychodynamics of this personality disorder indicated that constant asswhooping may be the best treatment. Getting the research sample group out of their respective mothers' basements was difficult, and removing the hamburger and french fries from their hands and mouths was nearly impossible, but a little sunshine and exercise did these creatures good. After being taught the essentials of hygiene and manners, the trolls were ready for the treatment: women who really like to have sex. Within one week, the severity of the disorder was diminished for every patient, and within three months the patients were all symptom free. But once the ex-trolls looked up from their cubicles saw how boring they had become, they all committed hara kiri, the Japanese form of suicide designed to restore one's honor after shame.
Current research is investigating the possibility of a relapse into disordered personality function if the patient does not get laid in the ass, furry-style. For those pitiful cases who cannot keep a girlfriend, researchers are considering the role prostitutes may play in treatment.
Internet troll personality disorder is part of a series on
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