—Charles Darwin, On the Origin of Species (1859)
Disappointingly, out of the ashes of the once-glorious Roman Empire, there emerged a pile of shit that spawned forth generations of conniving subhumans: Italy. The peninsula is a giant boot in Europe jutting out into the Mediterranean Sea, and is infested with Guidos, a race of crooks, drug dealers, and thieves who have an animalistic bond to crime, pudgy fingers, greasy hair, leather jackets, an overly aggressive attitude, no emotional control, and a horrible language with the world's most annoying accent. It is a pathetic member of the EU that is occasionally allowed a seat at the big tables to discuss shit nobody cares about. The only reason for this is that President Mario is one mean fucking plumber and also tried to save Britain’s Princess Diana from being trolled by Royal Family. Currently, the country is experiencing massive unrest due to an alleged rigged election in which Luigi was nominated the new President. Having that dipshit elected provoked within the Italians a similar reaction as the election of a black person (that wasn’t Morgan Freeman) did to honest, ordinary Americans. Generally, Italians are greasy, brown, and smelly and spend their days cooking pasta and ordering pizza. Before his relocation to Latin America last Thursday, the Pope also lived in a bin in Rome.
Italians, also known as wops, wogs, dagos, guineas, greaseballs and pizza niggers, are the bastard descendants of Ancient Romans,
Arabs sandniggers, and gypsies. However, although the Roman Empire was both powerful and respected and the gypsies know how to cause lulz, modern-day Italy is neither. When Italians aren't too busy teaching the world the joys of anal and oral sex or raving about how proud they are to be Italian, they can be found gesturing wildly and pissing everyone else off. They are solely responsible for the atrocious mess that is DeviantART, with their history of pompous art movements. Italy is also famed hated for it's fashion and, last but definitely not least, The Godfather parts 1 & 2 (disregard 3).
After becoming increasingly bored within their own borders, Italians moved from an agricultural lifestyle of fucking sheep in their own country to slowly invading and spreading across North and South America and Australia. Their goal in these countries was to impregnate American and Australian women with their greasy, greasy seeds, thus securing (in a short amount of time) their control over all the illegal activities of those countries, second only to Mexicans.
Italy has a history of Fascism. During World War II, Italy sided with Hitler's Nazi regime and the Italian people were hapless servants to their own personal dictator, Benito Mussolini. When WWII ended Mussolini was properly pwned when his own people hung him from a lamp post.
Italy is also the only nation to lose a war to an African kingdom, they invaded Ethiopia in the 1800's and got owned because they are the only fighters worse than the French. They invaded once again in the 30's and almost got owned again due to their own ineptitude, luckily however the spears the Ethiopians were chucking could not pierce their one tanks armor allowing them to win by default.
List of countries who defeated Italy
Black people whupped them in the 1800's. The guidos almost lost round 2 in the 1930's but won by using indiscriminate bombings and gas warfare (which was a war crime since WWI). Niggers thought they were fighting a proper western country, so it caught them unprepared.
UK had its colonies in Africa attacked by Italy, but even as it was all by itself in the war and under heavy German bombing, they still found the time to raep the invaders, and then conquer some nice Italian colonies at that.
United States invaded them during WWII.
Shitaly's midget population is mostly the Guidos who don't infest the U.S. East Coast, but also a small population of gypsies, whom the Italian government loves to discriminate against, disposess, and deport. The population of Italy comprises mostly of people with the names Mario, Luigi, Antonio, Marco, Francesco, Danilo, Giovanni, Alessio, Michele, Roberto, Carlo, Franco, D'Angelo and Andrea. Note that most names that elsewhere are feminine, like Andrea, Michele, Daniele or Simone, are used by males in Italy. Italians are only allowed to read one book in their lives (Dante's Divine Comedy, the first and last book written by an Italian) since Italian scientists proved that reading non-Italian books damages Italian cultural cohesion and that Catholics aren't allowed to read the Bible. Surprisingly, Italy is also home to an unrestricted emo scene, as the Guido sect of the MySpace site clearly shows a great density of scene kids, straight edge kids and punks. Since Italians can only speak local dialects, their tribes fall short of LiveJournal accounts in English.
The Italian language is Neolatin, so it is known to be antiquated, inefficient and retarded. As a consequence of so much conditioning with a florid language, Italian-speakers are generally less intelligent than English-speakers. This is evidenced by the fact that the Italian government can never come to consensus with their highly fictionalized excuse for a parliament. Something that should be pointed out among Italians OL is that they can be split in two categories: the Internet Tough Guys and the ones that don't know the internets existed before they signed in to some retarded forum. Esperanto is a successful reform of the Italian language.
Notable Italian cultural highlights include:
- Tower of Pisa: a leaning tower that somehow has managed to not fall for centuries, despite the rest of the world hoping for its demise. The fact that it's still standing indicates that the Jews have not discovered it yet.
- Gondola: Venice's idea of a boat. Kept alive only to scam white trash and Japanese tourists (200 Euros just to ride on it for twenty minutes!).
- Soccer: Awesome sport that they are pussies at but still
won the last world championshiplost to Dagos Mk II
- Mafia: look behind you. No, srsly.
- Capuchin Catacombs of Palermo: a shrine of death.
- Spreading Sexually Transmitted Disease: being devout Catholics, the Italians still prefer sex without a condom. Can you blame them?
- The Pope: he resides in a little state inside the city of Vatican and avoids paying taxes. When questioned about that, he unleashes the brutal force of his Swiss Guard and elderly Italian women to silence the petitioner. The best pope was Darth Benedict, who quit like a pussy.
- Homosexuality: The only country in Europe gayer than Italy is Greece. Italians picked up homosexuality and pedophilia from Alexander the Great who was uber gay. Julius Caesar and Leonard Da Vinci are two of the most influential gays in Italian history. The Italians are so gay that the German word for homosexual was "Florenzer", which literally means a person from Florence. Renaissance Italy let the gays make great arts and inventions while the rest of Europe was in the Medieval habit of stoning teh gays.
Just kidding! Not the REAL football, where you get to literally rape the shit outta any other player on the field (even if they are on your team). No this is soccer and its something the Italians are VERY proud of (troll for instant lulz) but also something no one likes them for because of their incredible diving skills that won them the World Cup!! butthurt retards keep trying too hard to troll about - seriously, who gives a shit. Italy were the defending world Champions of the Fifa World Cup (as of June 2010) but yet they don't seem to be able to beat a small little country that has more sheep than humans in the group stage! Of course I am referring to New Zealand, to make matters worse for these fat pizza loving hairy mongrels, they only got their goal by diving like little girls. That is how italians are taught to play football. The Strikers are for scoring, Goalkeeper for saving goals, Defenders for defending from the opposition, and mid fielders for diving, resulting in penaltys which save their team from embarrasing defeats, such as Australia (2006) and New Zealand (2010)
Many claim that the food of Italy is the best in the world, and most likely was invented at the Olive Garden. This is simply not true. The reality is that most of the food made or associated with Italy is made from stolen pot from African-Americans and cats. This creates a euphoric effect, much like ham.
Italian food can be used to:
- Get laid.
- Please a superior at work, if they invite themselves to your house.
- Cure homosexuality.
- Apply to the anus for a fairly sufficient anal lubricant.
The grease within Italian food has been linked to the increase in autism. Instead of Italians noticing this trend, Chef Tony continues to release official statements (because you know he's actually from Italy) that deny these claims. He then adds "buy my new shit" and spits at the news interviewers.
- All Italians are douchebags.
- All Italians have greasy hair.
- All Italians are at least distantly related to someone who is in the Mafia.
- All Italians idolize Jew culture.
- All Italians think that Mariah Carey is a talented artist.
- All Italians deserve rule 34, NO EXCEPTION. (There are some exceptions)
- All Italians carry pistols in 2 different holsters.
- All Italians shout in Italian when they are mad.
- All Italians are to blame for bulimia.
Italy's GDP is made up almost entirely of Pope souvenirs and hardcore pornography; Aria Giovanni alone accounts for at least 50% of Italy's GDP, while another consistent 49% is generated by Rocco Siffredi. Other notable incomes derive from extortion, racketeering and money laundering, something the Swiss aren't too happy about, since they thought they had the exclusive rights for these activities. It's absolutely legal for a politician in Italy to have other business + the wage they get as ministers, no matter if the rest of the wop people are eating their own shoes for lunch and dinner.
- Mention that they were the only country in Europe to be ruled by an archetypal comic book supervillain.
- Remind them of how they couldn't conquer Ethiopia.
- Tell whatever individual you're talking to how much they resemble Ron Jeremy.
- Remind them of the fall of the Roman Empire.
- Ask for directions in Latin.
- Remind them that they were not even considered citizens of Rome until the very end of it.
- Ask them if they work as a chef, plumber, or marionette maker. If they say they don't, tell 'em to quit lying.
- Tell them you prefer Russian food over theirs.
- Tell them Rome copied everything from Greece, and every other civilization they conquered.
- Ask them why they don't have a moustache.
- Tell them America was a pretty cool place until the 1880's when they showed up.
- Point out their lack of creativity in their mythology.
- Ask them why they eat rotting maggot cheese and watch them try to explain.
- Remind them that they have a long line of terrible Engineers, they built a city that sunk and a tower that's falling.
- Remind them that they're not white(anymore).
- Remind them of their humiliating military failures in Libya (Fuken Retards).
- Remind them that Rome was a melting pot, and Italics only made up a small percentage of it.
- Call them Wogs or Guineas.
- Tell them that the Jersey Shore faggots are accurate depiction of most Italians.
- Tell them the only half decent looking Italians are those of the northern tip.
- Remind them how even East Asians are taller than them.
- Remind them of their African admixture.
- Ask them how does it feel to know that blondism & blue eyes are more common in Ashkenazi Jews than Italians.
- Tell them they look like Arabs or Turks.
- Remind them the Asian migrants in the last 30 years have made a greater economical impact for the United States than the Italians have in the last 100 years.
Guidos, despite not being Italian or even human, mistakenly believe themselves to be descendants of the first Italian heroic model, Aeneas. Despite speaking no Italian whatsoever (apart from 'Oogatz' which isn't even a word, but a derivation from 'Il Cazzo' translated as 'The Dick', accustomed to the sexual and gastronomic desires of Italians), and believing the pinnacle of Italian cuisine to be a meatball sandwich, they still cling to this pseudo-history. They enjoy swearing, haircuts and huffing Axe body spray.
Many families left Italy in the 1940s on boats or megazords in hopes of opening pizzerias in the United States. Instead they raised a generation of tanned olive oil guzzling assholes who, to this day, populate America's club scene. It should be noted that today in New York City, home of the first Italian-American family, all the pizzerias are now owned by Mexicans or Mr. Jeff Goldblum. Some come to America just to play guitar e.g. Satriani and Petrucci.
The Italian Chan
Berlusconi gets hit with a brick
Silvio Berlusconi, the PM of Italy and all around dickhead has always been a true cocksucking champion. Sadly, this was changed when he got hit in his dicksucking instrument(mouth) with a brick by a butthurt guido.
|Featured article May 22 & 23, 2012|
| Preceded by
|Italy|| Succeeded by|
The Legend of Korra