Jake Roberts was a 13 year old who was reported to have died last Thursday after a tragic accident involving him "accidentally" hanging himself with his school tie. In truth, it was because his father wouldn't let him play Wii since Jake's sister was watching TV. So, he proceeded to off himself. Silly Jake, he could have just waited for his sister to finish and gb2 kitchen.
Someone should have gotten this kid an iPod.
Although he died in February, /b/tards and Ebaumsworld only found out about this on June 26, 2008, and subsequently raided his memorial bebo page, thus resulting in epic lulz. Better late than never, guize!
As one positive aspect of his tragic suicide, he invented Wii hangman.
Jake had bought a Wii game earlier that day, and was planning on playing it. His sister, however, was already watching TV where he intended to play. So, rather than slapping the bitch, he had a temper tantrum and stormed into his room. He was discovered hours later by his attentive father, hanging by his neck to the cabin bed by his school tie, becoming an Hero, (or should I say an Wiiro? Oh ho ho ho ho!)
Fortunately, his mother clarified the situation by stating that her "sensitive child with a fantastic imagination" hadn't meant to die when he hanged himself; he just did something stupid. Good thing she was around to point this out, as a line of people was already forming outside the door to praise Jake's intelligence. Jake was declared dead two days after he hanged himself, which shows how Britfags can't do anything right.
But Who Is To Blame?
When kids kill themselves in America, people usually blame video games, the parents, movies, cults and Naruto Sand Ninjas. In England, where things are really, really, really, really fucking boring, they blame the slow and aging hospital soap opera, Casualty.
Jake's mom said that he had watched an episode of Casualty together with the family weeks before his suicide, which had featured a young person hanging themselves, but she didn't think anything he had seen influenced him. Well, I guess we all know how wrong she was.
But a coroner said that Jake had killed himself by accident and there was no evidence he has been influenced by the program, because coroners are also licensed mind readers.
The real truth of the story is that Jake Roberts was deeply into autoerotic asphyxiation. All the "cool" kids at school were doing it and Jake really wanted to "fit in" with the guys. His friends told him all the girls would think he was TOTALLY hawt if he did it. So when he couldn't play with his Wii he figured the next best thing would be to strangle himself into a high. Sadly, he "accidentally" killed himself in the process.
Instant An Wiiro
- Find out that local Best Buy is out of teh Ecks Bawks and PS Triple.
- Buy a Wii.
- Have a temper tantrum.
- Hang yourself.
- Once done, let sit for two days or until dead.
Genna-Nadine Smith-X is a girl brave enough to head into the shit storm ensuing on Jake's Bebo memorial page. She soon became an Internet tough guy and proceeded to call out all the raiders on the page. Jake was her friend's uncle's nephew's second cousin or some shit like that, so of course she got all pissy and started arguing with all the people on Jake's comments. All she really succeeded in doing was making herself look like a stupid cunt.
After threatening to kill a few people, she also claimed that she could find their IP addresses because her dad has access to the bebo admin. This was an obvious lie (made funnier by the fact that her page says she hates liars). When she realized no one cared, she soon fell silent.
—OH NOES GUIS, SHE GONNA GET OUR IP'S!
—English Coroners are smart.
— God on home-jackass
—Remember kids: Loose rhymes with Noose!
—David Davidson, defending his an hero on bebo and candlejacking himsel
—A haut young cumdumpster who makes video's about missing and dead kids for her amusement
Over the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend, Brandon Crisp ran away from home because his parents took away his Xbox 360. Apparently, the massive amount of Call of Duty 4 was negatively affecting his sleeping habits and social skills. His body was found on October 24. Some argue that Brandon is an hero, but others say not. The debate is under top priority at the official An Hero headquarters in Antartica.
Now this is a story
All about how my life got ended, roped upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just hanging right here so,
I'll tell you how I became the original An Wiiro.
In Scarborough England Born 'n' raised
On the Wii was where I spent most of my days
Chilling out, maxing relaxing all cool
And playing some Battletoads when I got in from school
When there was this time my sis was up to no good
Wouldn't let me use the TV when she really should
I got in one temper tantrum and my dad began to frown
He said "You go up to your room till you've learned to calm down"
I was extremely upset and wanted to die
I look all around and I spotted my tie
I slung it round my neck then I jumped from a high
And thought "This is gonna teach 'em to confiscate my..."
My dad came up to my room about 7 or 8
And he yelled to my mummy "YO BITCH! 999!"
But it was no use as I'd run out of air
And since then I've cause a whole lot of despair
Gallery Of An Wiiro
| Jake Roberts
is part of a series on
| Jake Roberts
is part of a series on