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James Randi

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"Bitch you stupid." - James Randi on Sylvia Browne.
This doll is used by Randi's cult followers in their ritualistic sex worship.

James RandiFedora icon.png or Randall James Hamilton Zwinge, is an 80th level Garden Gnome Magician and a psychic's worst nightmare. A self proclaimed skeptic and lulz killer, he has made it his life mission to purge the world of all mysticism, pseudo-science, and fun. His enemies include Peter Popoff, a televangelist with a prosthetic penis, Chancepsych, a Jewish black homo who believes he has the ability to channel the dead, Uri Geller, a magician who claims to be srsly psychic, and other douche bags with lots of money. Every time a new celebrity rises to fame claiming to have God-powers, Randi is there to teach them a lesson. His main weapon of choice is a cheque worth $1,000,000, which he offers to anyone who can prove their powers under a controlled test. After 40 years, no one has won that money, because Randi and his followers rig the tests.

Before his crusades against good times began, Randi was a stage magician. This would seem like blatant hypocrisy at first because it is, but when one looks closer, they will see that it isn't. Randi always noted that his illusions were just that —illusions. That's why magicians are officially called illusionists. He never claimed that he had psychic powers, telepathy, or any paranormal abilities.


   
 
Christians are fucking retards.
 

 
 

—James Randi, telling it like it is

Biography

Randi was born on December 25th, 4004 BC. His mother was a virgin who became pregnant after a stack of library books fell on her. Three wise men — David Hume, Charles Darwin and Bertrand Russell—turned up at the stable in which he was born, and informed him he was Satan's Messiah. He was bestowed with magic powers like spoon bending, miraculous healing powers and the ability to move compasses, as well as an uncanny ability to make miracles look like sleight-of-hand.

When he was 7, Randi confirmed his pact with the Devil after tearing the head off a live rabbit and fucking it in the neckhole. After this, Randi became immortal, so he doesn't appear to have aged since about 1960. His black magic has fooled many atheists, all of whom are destined to burn in the eternal fires of Hell.

Randi's ancient crackly videos transfer remarkably well to the medium of YouTube and appear to debunk supernatural powers in easy-to-handle snippets. This is due to his paranormal abilities to see into the future, back in the 70s when he was mildly famous.

James Hydrick

Way back in the Paleolithic Era, Randi was on a program called That's My Line, wherein a mystical man named James Hydrick was going to make things move by the magical power of telekinesis. After a brief demonstration, Randi put Styrofoam on to the pages Hyrick was supposed to move. The presence of Styrofoam miraculously defeated Hydrick's powers. Randi claimed that this was because Hydrick was blowing, but no-one will ever truly know what Satanic curse was actually unleashed upon the poor ex-convict.

Hydrick is now an incarcerated sex offender, found guilty of MOUTH RAPE on a girl aged under 14. Randi's powers know no limit.

Peter Popoff

Hear me, you gullible idiots!

In the early 80's, Peter "Slimy Fuck" Popoff was busy scamming Christians out of money. Claiming to be a "faith healer", he would host televised services in which black people with AIDS would throw their small amount of money at him, and in return would be "healed". None of them even had a clue that Peter Popoff wasn't even the guy's real name, but was merely his stage name from when he used to work in porn. Popoff's baffling power was to know secrets about audience members, which he could only have got directly from God telling him. James Randi and his beard smelt bullshit. On The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Randi exposed to the world that Popoff was using an earbud with his wife on the other end to gain this knowledge about the crowd members. Popoff immediately filed bankruptcy and then disappeared to the Forbidden Forest to feed on unicorn blood until strong enough to return.

And return he did. After 20 years in darkness, Popoff and his wife returned to the scene, slimier than ever. Instead of traveling the country hosting "miracle crusades", Popoff is now running infomercials on late-night television. Presumably, stepping outside is incredibly dangerous for him, seeing as Randi is always near. Inside Edition produced a special expose on Peter Popoff, interviewing James Randi once again. However, this might not be enough to end the fucker's career this time around. We need your help. Yeah, you! Please consult this video for instructions (skip the first minute or so; the filmmaker is an idiot).

Uri Geller

Around the same time, Geller was at the peak of his career. He was best known for bending spoons, reading minds, and being a Jew. Randi, being the antisemite he is, exposed Geller countless times. Surprisingly, Geller continues to claim he possesses supernatural power, making him the laughing stock of, well, anyone who knows about James Randi.

Response

Recently, Geller released a statement regarding the skeptics who are exposing him on YouTube. In a nutshell, he acts like a cocky asshole and thanks these skeptics for the free publicity.

 
 
The people who are uploading these videos on YouTube, imagining that they are exposing me, are really giving me priceless exposure. They’re creating the most brilliant free publicity I could ever have, and certainly manufacturing more controversy... thus enhancing the mystery and mystique around Uri Geller.
 

 

You rage you lose.

 
 
No U!
 

 

—Geller's only way out of the argument.

Obviously Geller's true views on the matter are much different. In the 90's, Geller filed a lawsuit against Randi in response to a book he wrote called The Truth about Uri Geller. This book gave spoilers on the secrets behind Geller's tricks, and ultimately exposed him as a fraud. At this point, it had become a habit of Randi's to kick Geller's ass regularly, and he didn't stop here. The lawsuit failed, and the courts actually made Uri Geller pay James Randi $150,000! LOL!

Project Alpha

Randi again used his black magick to befuddle the scientific community with "Project Alpha". In this, he chose two lesser-demons to work with him in throwing doubt to the reality of their Satanic powers. These two vile beings then bent spoons in front of brilliant scientists, who let them fuck around with (bend) the spoons beforehand. The scientists had obviously missed elementary physics, because they believed these guys and thought they had found proof for magic. Double blind tests and scientific rigor next time plz.

Randi then announced that this was all a hoax and the two boys weren't actually supermen, making the billions of dollars of money spent on this kind of stuff look pointless. Which it obviously isn't.

Uri Geller has also been tested by scientists, but he is a genuine miracle-worker, so no parallels can be drawn.


The scientists have now been retrained as plasterers — a job they can actually do.

Sylvia Browne

Sylvia Browne, of Montel and Larry King fame, is one of Randi's more recent preferred targets. This witch tries to speak to the dead; however, it is usually a prank call because she seems to end up being wrong whenever facts are ascertained.

James Randi asked her to take part in his Million Dollar Challenge, and she accepted. This was a long time ago, but she has so far refused to get conclusively proven false. Randi will therefore never miss an opportunity to encourage his followers to pray for her demise. Because secretly, he knows this works.


If you ever needed more proof that the old bitch is a phony.

Homeopathic Medicine

The other .1% is cum.

James Randi has been a long time critic of "homeopathic medicine", that is, medicine that uses the least amount of main ingredients. An example of homeopathic medicine would be HeadOn, the glue stick that "cures headaches". After extensive research, Randi concluded that the gel-bar of HeadOn is composed of 99.9% wax. Being a man who likes his drugs strong and long-lasting, he was outraged.

Like all his enemies before this, Randi smote this product and all other homeopathic (more like homopathetic, amirite?) drugs into intellectually checkmate. How? You can view the pwnage here.


   
 
APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE PENIS. APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE PENIS. APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE PENIS. APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE PENIS. APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE PENIS APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE PENIS. APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE PENIS. DICK-HEAD ON.
 

 
 

Gay

RULE 34. NAO.

James Randi is also a faggot (proof). He announced his gayness to the world at age 81 and just before he was going to die, maybe because, with his keen objective eye, he realised that nobody would pay attention to another faggy magician.


   
 
I'm not the least bit ashamed or embarrassed about the thing.
 

 
 

—Hairy beard bumsex


   
 
I knew it!
 

 
 

—Sylvia Browne

Responses from the psychic community

   
 
James Randi sucks.

I tell you why. Someone go to his show to win 1 million because he was gonna prove that psi exists so he go there and prove it but James Randi doesn't give the 1 mil ... and if u had psi abilities u wouldn't go to show just to prove psi exists would you? all those ppl are going to think ur mental retarded get over it, its proven psi is real ... kids nowadays ...
 


 
 

—Proof that PSI exists.


   
 
Mr. James Randi is a fraud and a coward who believes that making a contract with the world can be broken by him because he controls the money.
 

 
 

lolwut


   
 
James Randi worked for years as a psychic, and wrote books teaching "Psychic development" btw before deciding he'd make more money out of debunking.
 

 
 

—Butt-hurt liar obviously lying.


   
 
This reads moar liek an Uncyclopedophilia article. It leads to strange suspicions that the article's creator is one of Randi's fanboys. But then again, most people seem to be unaware of how best to attack this gnome wizard. I have a suggestion. Note that his "challenge" specifically disqualifies people no one ever heard of; they only accept celebrity psychics. The site claims that this rule was made later on because too many frauds were costing them too much money. Moar liek fear of getting pwnt if you ask me. Another thing to use against him is the fact that he isn't actually a scientist, and that the James Randi Foundation's standards are similarly unscientific.
 

 
 

—Article appears to troll well.

How to Troll James Randi Fans

As much as you might respect this hero, James Randi's fans are, like anyone's fans, incredibly annoying and elitist. The dogma and mysticism they sought to escape has returned in their community, with Randi acting as their God and fapping material. They will eat up any shit he feeds them, without question. Obviously, trolling these motherfuckers is very fun. Their current lair is here, but feel free to troll his YouTube videos too. Supreme trolling techniques include:

  • Call Randi a hypocrite. Say that he worked as a psychic before he became a professional skeptic, and only switched because the latter was more Jew.
  • Say that PSI is a proven fact, and that the majority of scientists accept it.
  • Tell them that Randi is giving Uri Geller tons of free publicity. Link them to this page. Also, inform them that Uri Geller has been tested and is proven to have psychic powers.
  • If all else fails, link them to meatspin.

Similarities to Wise Beard Man

In fact, the two have never been seen together. SAME PERSON??

Some argue that James Randi and Wise Beard Man are very similar. The comparisons include:

  • Both are enemies of supernatural bullshit.
  • Both have beards that would put Karl Marx to shame.
  • Both will probably be assassinated at some point.

Gallery

External Links

Videos

Secrets of the Psychic

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Featured article June 16, 2009
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