Jeffrey Dahmer

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Dahmer's IRL girlfriend
Dahmer faps to this
Play nicely with kitty, Jeffrey!
And probably this too.

Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer (also known as Jeffrey Dahmer, Jay Dee, and Dahmanator) was an IRL Cannibal, Necrophiliac, and serial killer. Some argue that Jeffery suffered from depression, and this all could have been prevented if he had the right opportunities. But we at ED know that Jeffrey Dahmer a hero who killed 13-year-old boys, fucked the bodies, and ate their penises; and not even a million Sigmund Freuds could have straightened this guy out. The only thing Jeffrey Dahmer ever ate besides rotting flesh was peanut butter & jelly sandwiches.

His Fucked-Up Early Life[edit]

Jeffrey Dahmer grew up in Bath, Ohio and attended Revere High School along with many privileged white kids, products of incest such as himself, and potheads (the school is also commonly known as Reefer High, and rightfully so). He spent the majority of his childhood dissecting dead animals and fucking the bodies. For a while, his parents didn't do a goddamn thing about it, and thought that fucking dead animals was the hip new thing that children do nowadays. He was viewed as somewhat normal by his peers until High School came about by which he would mock his epileptic housekeeper and burst into random fits of a satirical convulsion...this behavior made him very popular with the other incest produced freaks. Dahmer also became an alcoholic, downing a six pack of beer everyday before school. One might think others would have noticed but he was such a dumb piece of shit, he might've been more normal while intoxicated. Eventually, his father realized that his son was batshit insane, and sent him to join the US Army. After like... five seconds, Jeffrey got discharged for being a pot-smoking furry-fucking douchebag. Once discharged, Dahmer committed his first murder at the extremely classy Ohio Motel in Bath, then took the body to his home, where it was later found in the family's cellar along with other chopped off genitalia and things of the like.

Some other shit happened, and Jeffrey ended up living with his rather sexy grandmother. She frequently video taped him riding his pillows vigorously, and forced him to perform cunnilingus on her (much to his enjoyment) for all of YouTube to see. He remained in that paradise for six years, freeloading off Granny's retirement money, fapping in public, and running around in assless pants at state fairs. Before long, Granny got pissed off and defenestrated (lol look it up morons) Jeffie for stinking up her basement with his dead bodies and running up the Internet bill. Soon after, he whacked off a 13-year-old boy and was sentenced to one year in prison. When asked why the fuck he would do something like this, he responded:

I did it for the lulz.


—Jeffrey Dahmer, douchebag serial killer

His Fucked-Up Killing Spree[edit]

After sucking on the warden's cock, Jeffrey got released from prison, and proceeded to go around banhammering people IRL. At one point, one of Jeffrey Dahmer's victims went up to the police with multiple stab wounds, drugged out, and his rectum bleeding, while screaming "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! JEFFREY DAHMER STABBED, DRUGGED, AND RAPED ME! YOU GUYS HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!" But the police didn't do a goddamn thing because no one cares about 13-year-old boys.

Jeffrey also enjoyed dripping acid in people's brains while they were still kind of alive in the hopes of turning them into zombies. Thanks to his extensive scientific research, we now know that there is no way to make someone halfway dead by dripping acid into their brains.

List of People who Were IRL Banned by Jeffrey Dahmer[edit]

  • Stephen Hicks, 18
  • Steven Tuomi, 25
  • Jamie Doxtator, 14 Pedobear mourning small.png
  • Richard Guerrero, 22
  • Anthony Sears, 24
  • Raymond Smith, 32
  • Eddie Smith, 27
  • Ernest Miller, 22
  • David Thomas, 22
  • Curtis Straughter, 17
  • Errol Lindsey, 19
  • Tony Hughes, 31
  • Konerak Sinthasomphone, 14 Pedobear mourning small.png
  • Matt Turner, 20
  • Jeremiah Weinberger, 23
  • Oliver Lacy, 24
  • Joseph Bradehoft, 25

Graded Score[edit]

Graded Score
Kill count: 17/20
Accuracy: 19/20 17 killed, 1 got away.
Style: 20/20 Serious nutcase
Butthurt: 20/20 WTF on all part
Bonus: 15/20 -5 points buried victims in a shallow grave by his house and police pulled him over
Total Score: 91/100 (A)
See full ranking

Wanted Level

Vice Squad

His Internet Life and Non-Accomplishments[edit]

Jeffrey Dahmer was known to be one of the greatest trolls ever, assuming various usernames, such as Bribrihottie69, Kurisu_Hansen, TulipM92, and Herman_Ri_Destroyer_Of_Worlds. He lampooned many Beboers and MySpace-goers to the point that twelve victims worldwide deleted their accounts. Strangely enough, the Internet helped greatly in his endeavors to lure boys to his house. Soon after trolling over 9000 sites, Jeffie met up with an OL friend at a local café so they could discuss (and later partake in) sweet, sweet buttsecks. They decided to team together to hack Swiss bank accounts and black person to attract more hot young boys. However, they had no skillz 2 pay the billz; therefore, they were neither successful in stealing mass amounts of cash, nor in trolling hot young boy booty.
Ingenious lure tactic.

These actions were soon discovered by ebaums world, and then eventually 4chan, and then the shit trickled down to the lowest of the low, /b/. Thankfully, no memes were created on Jeffrey Dahmer and his peculiar awesome lifestyle, except for the occasional mention by random fagtards who were killed soon after for being so gay.

It should also be noted his VCR(things that existed before Blu Ray)contained The Taming of Rebeca, a hardcore pron that featured a 14 yo loli getting fucked by her daddy on a toilet that is considered child pron by teh Amerikkka. [1]

It should also be noted that Wesley Snipes is a very big fan.

The Police Pull Their Heads Out of Their Asses and Arrest Jeffrey Dahmer[edit]

Yeah, that's pretty much what happened. Nothing moar to see here.


After Jeffrey was sentenced to over 9000 years in prison, a cell mate of his ran at him with a wakizashi and maimed the fuck out of Dahmer which resulted in epic win. There was a huge fucking party afterwards — fireworks, cliff divers, free abortions, and double-decker brownies with chocolate sprinkles. Everyone lived happily ever after. THE END.

Several Years Later[edit]

Several years later, the fucktards down at South Park decided that it would be super hilarious to resurrect John Gacy, Jeff Dahmer, and some other guy so they could star in yet another shitty episode so accurately named "Hell On Earth" — causing sensible people everywhere to scream in terror, "WHY, OH WHY IS SOUTH PARK STILL ON THE AIR?!?" This episode was comprised of 100% fail, as the main plot was that the three serial killers had to bake a cake for Satan's Halloween party down in hell. Needless to say, the episode sucked balls. Thankfully, Jeffie and his comrades returned to their graves once again and all those with brains crawled out from their hiding places and rejoiced.

Dahmer remains a legacy in Bath, OH though for whatever reason hasn't been inducted into the hall of fame even though he's the only noteworthy person to be spawned from there. Revere LSD continues to produce more potential serial killers and fukk up their students for shits and giggles and lulz.

He is also widely admired by stab-happy border jumpers who persistantly use Dahmer as an excuse to hate white people while at the same time they try to emulate their boy-crazy "honkie god." And who can blame them? The psycho cunt did love dark meat.

What people who dislike Jeffrey Dahmer fail to realize[edit]

is that having sex with dead things is pretty cool.

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Charles MansonChris BenoitHitlerMao ZedongJack the RipperJames HolmesRichard "The Iceman" KuklinskiTed BundyJeffrey Dahmer


Al-QaedaDzhokar TsarnaevOmar MateenSanta ClausTamerlan TsarnaevOsama Bin LadenEric Harris and Dylan KleboldSam Hyde

See also:

Antisocial personality disorderCannibal HolocaustParanoid personality disorderSick fuckMurderJewsPolice Brutality

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