Jennifer Hepler

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Hamburger Hepler
Post-op Hammy Hepler.

Jennifer Eve Brandes-Hepler aka Hamburger Helper is the first ever beached whale to become employed by BioWare, the video game company that has made Baldur's Gate, Mass Effect, and Dragon Age: Origins. Bioware, possibly feeling pity for the marooned moron, decided to put her onto their writing staff, where she promptly smeared her stanky ambergris all over Dragon Age II and Star Wars: The Old Republic, ensuring that no one could ever enjoy those once hotly anticipated games. Bioware had made the unfortunate mistake of hiring a 16 ton marine creature that could neither write, play video games, or avoid the malicious harpoons of the internet.


   
 
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee.
 

 
 

—Captain Ahab, one of many angry tweets Jennifer recieved.

Video Games Sans Gameplay[edit]

Artist's rendition of Hepler after being on the internet for five minutes

Back in 2006 Bioware released a video promoting Dragon Age: Origins, which for some reason featured the game developers talking about themselves and not the actual video game. When asked "what is your least favorite thing about working in the video game industry" Hepler decided to be honest and give the worst possible answer: playing the actual video game is the worst part being in the video game industry. Then she decided to outdo herself and say something even dumber: that video games should have a fast forward button so you can skip all the gameplay and just watch the next cutscene. Essentially, she wishes that she could play video games without actually playing them. Perhaps the benevolent community of gamers would accept this radical idea with open arms, since we all know gamers hate playing video games.

   
 
Playing the games. It has definitely been the single most difficult thing for me.
 

 
 

—Jennifer Hepler, video games are the worst part of video games.

   
 
I'm really terrible at so many things which most games use incessantly. I have awful hand-eye coordination, I don't like tactics, I don't like fighting, I don't like keeping track of inventory, and I can't read game map to save my life.
 

 
 

—Jennifer Hepler, on her inability to do certain things.

   
 
[Games need] a fast-forward button. Games almost always include a way to 'button through' dialog without paying attention, because they understand that some players don't enjoy listening to dialog and they don't want to stop their fun. Yet they persist in practically coming into your living room and forcing you to play through the combats even if you're a player who only enjoys the dialog.
 

 
 

—Jennifer Hepler, sick of being forced to play video games.

   
 
You know what else would be good? I wish I could read books but without actually having to read any of the words. I would like to just open the book and have a video play so I don't have to read anything.
 

 
 

—Jennifer Hepler's logic

   
 
Jennifer Hepler and people like her should never have been allowed to work in the gaming industry. When you say you want to skip all the gameplay then you probably shouldn't be making video games, you should be making movies. The idea of her writing Mass Effect 3 makes me want to give up on Bioware.
 

 
 

—Bioware Confessions, a tumblr thing

Twitter Shitstorm[edit]

I'm not cancerous you guys, I'm just big boned.
You will never know what it feels like to be a good writer
LEAVE HAMBURGER HELPER ALONE!

The shitstorm reached critical mass when Hepler decided to slap her fins against her iPhone and open a twitter account Brandes Hepler in February 2012. Seconds after her twitter account was spotted it was harpooned with comments about how Hepler was "the cancer that is poisoning Bioware." During the week-long lifespan of Hepler's twitter account, she was accused of being a horrible fanfiction writer who couldn't stop shoving her weird fetishes and yaoi undertones into video games, of ruining Dragon Age II, of being a large, endangered, oceanic mammal, and that she should kill herself. Hepler showed that she was far more mature than the people harassing her by releasing this statement:


   
 
I just figure they're jealous that I get to have both a vagina AND a games industry job, and they can't get either.
 

 
 

—Jennifer Hepler, on womb envy

As biting and vicious as Hepler's initial resistance against the trolling was, it was all a farce. Later rumors abounded that she had a "stress induced" miscarriage. This is untrue, in fact embryos can't live in a toxic womb supported only by a diet of krill and pizza rolls. The trolls had chosen their words carefully and reduced the poor sea creature to freshly squeezed oil. Hamburger Helper deleted her twitter account and vanished into the deep ocean to write erotic fanfiction between Cthulhu and colossus squids.

   
 
1. Say people are jealous of her vagina. 2. People say she sucks at writing. 3. People are called sexist. Backwards ass shit.
 

 
 

—fastblood @PepeSilvia0

   
 
You go girl! Don't give in to the haters! I like your "shoehorning homosexual relationships down gamer's throats."!
 

 
 

—Rok Zupan @aTmarsinterreD

   
 
Hepler turned this into "people hate me because im a woman" she is lying!!! only reason people hate her is because of her writing.
 

 
 

—John Cocks @dogme4t

   
 
Nobody hates you just because you're a woman. Everyone hates you because you suck at what you do.
 

 
 

—Ethan @liquidhandsoap

   
 
Fans post criticisms of writing. Writer's comeback is "you're jealous of my vagina." Yet fans are sexist?
 

 
 

—twocows twocows @twocows360

   
 
fuck you you fat cunt. get the fuck out of the gaming industry.
 

 
 

—grey micles @greymicles

   
 
Stop trying to take credit for the public outcry against Hepler, 4chan. This has been 99% Reddit. Go back to your anime pics.
 

 
 

—Che Guevara @CheFromElVidyo

   
 
I'm all for equality for gays, but that's different from shoehorning a crappy romance into a game, which Hepler does
 

 
 

—Eric Niegel @Kyonko802

   
 
How did @BrandesHepler get a writing job anyway? It took her, what? 16 hours to delete a twitter account? That's just silly
 

 
 

—Jimmy Russell @JimmyRusseller

   
 
Her condenscending attitude toward criticism is what set us off. She's just an icon of ourire.
 

 
 

—twocows twocows @twocows360

   
 
JENNIFER HEPLER FUCKED MY FRIEND'S DOG AND NOW HE'S DEAD FROM AIDS, you sick fucking pig, Hamburger Helper! #Jewish
 

 
 

—RodJonse @RodJonse

In the wake of the twitter fiasco Bioware rushed in to Hepler's defense, donating $1,000 to Bullying Canada, and installing a fascist regime at the Bioware Forums. Anyone who tries to speak out against Hepler's awful writing will be instantly banned. Anyone who says the word 'heteronormative' will be banned. Anyone who mentions that Hepler made a fool of herself by saying men were jealous of her vagina will be banned. Anyone who says that they will break into Hepler's home, hide in the attic, wait until she falls asleep, and then splash a gallon of sulfuric acid on her face will be banned. All these things will be deemed as "abuse towards staff." Anyone who so much as tries to mention Hepler without including the words "you have my" and "love and support" will be deemed a cyberbully, as outlined in Bioware forum's new policy.

M.I.T.H: Operation Smoking Jaguar[edit]

Which one would you hire?
We need yaoi fangirls to spice up this video game script!

Long ago, way back in the year 2005 Jennifer Hepler wrote and crated a shitty comic book called M.I.T.H, an acronym which means utter nonsense when in longhand: Magical Intelligence Tactical Headquarters. Essentially it's a Harry Potter ripoff, rife with references and poor interpretations of all sorts of magical bullshit like Pandora's Box and Mayan pyramids, only with snarky, gung-ho Americans doing Call of Duty military crap while quipping one liners at each other, instead of whiney, adolescent Britons reflecting on the power of friendship. Nobody read it, nobody bought it, it never had a second volume made. It would have been forgotten forever had Hepler not put her fin in her mouth at twitter. Since then M.I.T.H. experienced a resurgence in popularity as a shining beacon of Hepler's writing abilities, or lack thereof.

Excerpt Pages from M.I.T.H. About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Ambrov X[edit]

Ambrov X was a proposed ambitious sci-fi RPG whose Kickstarter campaign started very well in 2013. That is, until they announced that one of the stretch goals was to have Hamburger Helper to join the team. Support flatlined almost immediately and they had to cancel the project.[1]

Hammy Helper: The Documentary[edit]

External Links[edit]

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