|This article needs moar Fist-Pumping.|
You can help by beating up the beat and getting crazy!
—Charlie Brooker on Jersey Shore.
Sometime in 2009, cable television's reality show channel, MTV, decided to add a new spin to its successful Real World formula of throwing a bunch of douchebags in a house and filming the results. It's like a free trip to your local zoo, only you stay at home and watch dumber animals while feeling your fat ass grow on your living room couch. With this shit show, eight incomplete Italian-Americans were kidnapped and taken to Seaside Heights, New Jersey, to spend the summer doing what they do. The result, which first aired on December 3, 2009, was the most amazing thing ever seen on television. Some found this as good and entertaining show others found this to be a sign of the apocalpyse, which brings us forward to 2012, where culture, creativity, and humanity no longer exist and the only network left on TV is MTV which plays on a continous loop, until even those who were a fan of the show are now saying they would rather watch Beavis and Butthead, as they had a more meanful message to send to those that are still alive and havent killed themselves to having to subjected to faggy italian douchebags. Never mind the fact that MTV pissed off (and on) many different Italian-American groups, the ratings and money this shit show pulled in was good enough to afford high-quality lawyers to win their lawsuits! Scientists predicted that this cultural landmark would set the tone for the 2010s, much as 9/11 was a defining moment of the 2000s. Everyone on /tv/ loves the show, except for Kaiji, because it doesn't have any 8 year olds on it. Also, Gawker live-blogs and then recaps every episode.
9/11 September 10, 2010, MTV has added four more seasons of Jersey Shore (or The New Jersey Life of Macaroni Rascals, as it is known in Japan) to their schedule, because they are making serious bank with the insanely high ratings Season Two has been getting.
The Mutant Cast
Angelina "Jolie" Pivarnick (Age 22) Staten Island, New York - Professional whore/bartender once quoted saying she was "the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island" due to her "all natural" figure. Constantly bitched and moaned, almost to a point people thought that she was more likely a Jew than a Wop. Got into fights with everyone, namely the 'roided alpha-males in the house (Pauly D being an easy target), and had to break up with her boyfriend within the first episodes of Season 1 because she could no longer stand men. She was kicked out of the house after she refused to do simple jobs to pay her rent and being the most obnoxious cunt in the entire house in Season 2; and that's saying something.
Jenni "JWoww" Farley (Age 23) Franklin Square, New York - DeviantArt draw-bitch and pole-dancer who also dabbled in the fine art of gold-digging. Fucked Pauly D all the time, despite having a boyfriend and Pauly D being very obviously gay for The Situation. Eventually broke up with her boyfriend after she realized that life as a beard/fuckdoll for a bunch of pissed-off "club DJs" pays a lot better than slumming with another artfag. Also, she's not even fucking Italian, so what she's doing in the fucking house is beyond anybody's guess.
Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino (Age 27) Staten Island, New York - AKA Guido Jesus in the flesh. He's an assistant manager at a gym in Staten Island, gets any bitch he wants, and makes off like a thief as a "sensitive" Guido. He was finally offered a promotion to manager after Season 2, but a trial period at the helm was a dismal failure due to his inability to read or complete simple math equations. A private tutor was hired for the meat-head, who approached the dilemma by making Mike count fist-pumps, grenades, and his own abs. The Situation causes 2/3rds of all the male drama on the show, usually for shits and giggles because, really, who the fuck is going to mess with him? He mentions in one of the episodes that he's an ex-male stripper, as well. Yet another thing to add to the list of things he's done that you will never accomplish. He's also the best-paid member of the cast, making upwards of $60,000 an episode, and supplements this unwarranted wealth with all the money he makes from his gym, promotional deals with Vitamin Water, a workout video to get sweet abs, and was recently confirmed for "Dancing with the Stars", bringing his total bank-roll this year to almost 5 MILLION DOLLARS (more on this later in the article). If there is a God, he's trolling us all.
Nicole "Snooki" (or Snickers) Mexican (Age 21) Mexican via Chile - A self-proclaimed "guidette" who's obsessed with pickles and going to a technical school to work on animals (or get access to some delicious Ketamine and animal growth hormones for her friends, one is not really sure). She's an ex-pro-ana, and judging from how fat she is now, one wonders why she stopped. One thing she never threw up or refused is a Guido dicking, which is literally the only reason the rest of the cast keeps her around - she will, has, and wants to fuck every last Guido on this blue marble. She's also the bitch that gets punched in one of the classic episodes for running her whore mouth around like a drunken, orange ape. Usually, she makes ends meet by taking a fist full of sand, shoving it into her vagina, letting it ferment in there for 2-3 days before queefing out pearls to sell at the local pawn shops. This same technique was first patented by Kim Kardashian. Perhaps the fatass of Jersey Shore, it has been revealed that she has an eating disorder. No, seriously.
In Season 5 Snookie turned out to be a furry, wearing a bunny suit she called lucie. According to polls, this actually improved her appearence. She's probably the only Mexican who doesn't enjoy tacos.
Paul "DJ Pauly D" DelVecchio (Age 28) Johnston, Rhode Island - A half-assing club DJ from Rhode Island who is the cause of most misery and all STDs within the group during Season 1, and likely Season 2. He's constantly trying to be the alpha-male in the house, which is a bit amusing to watch when he's half the height of Mike and half the size of Vinny. Most of this may stem from the fact he's the oldest, but he's also the dumbest, slowest, and most easily tricked into doing things for the rest of the group. HEAVILY abused for his cash by the rest of the cast, which could be the only reason they keep this wigger retard around. Also suspected of knowing the true identity of the now infamous 'Puppy Pitcher'. His time on Jersey Shore may have given him Tourette's syndrome, since from Season 2 onward, he acts like a complete and total spaz at random moments in the show.
Ronnie "Roid-Rage" Ortiz-Magro (Age 23) Mexican - Roided-up dumbass spic who was supposedly coked-up for all of season 3. Nobody really cares about this asshole, except he dances like an Alzheimer's patient in an old folk's home and he took a pair of tits off the market. Speaking of...
Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola (Age 22) Hazlet, New Jersey - One is actually from New Jersey, and is propagating this faggotry? Yes. "The sweetest bitch you'll ever meet" is what she claimed herself to be. What we got was yet another droning, annoying whore who can't spell her own last name without it being tattoo'd on someone. She's one of the few cast members to have gone to a "REAL" college. This college due too its high nigger population, would be considered Niggerversity by some people and is next to the ghetto they call Patterson NJ, she had her first buttsecks and AIDS encounter as she learned how to sell crack and wasted time playing Soccer at this fine university, so she's just like the rest of these sad, orange bastards. She, much like the man she fell in TV-Love with, Ronnie, has nothing else that really separates her from the rest of the cast except she fights with Snooki a lot about who's the bigger slut (the correct answer being, "Who isn't?!") and she's the biggest crybaby on the entire show. Of all of the skanks on Jersey Shore, she's probably the only one who's got a future doing porn.
Vinny "Vincenzo" Guadagnino (Age 21) - Staten Island, New York - Mama's Boy, Pit-Stains Himself, Definer of Fist-Pumping, All-Around Douchebag. He's an "actor" who graduated from a community college and "plans to attend law school if acting doesn't work out." Yeah, we'll see when that happens. Anyway, he's one of the other more vocal members and, quite oddly, the voice of reason when it comes to most of the house drama and hanging out at nightclubs, meaning that unless he's angry, the lulz is likely to stop when he's in the scene. He's also one of the few leather-faced morons that can pass for human, mostly due to his not injecting steroids into his ass every other day to get his sweet bod; for your basement-dwellers, that's basically saying he left the house, went to a gym, and didn't devour pounds of Top Ramen and Cheetos all day while playing WoW and fapping to an animu girlfriend from Lucky Star. Supposedly, he's hung like a goddamn horse, but that might just be by Guido standards, which would means he's just got an average-sized penis since most Guidos have the penis of a gnat.
Deena Nicole Cortese (Age 23) - New Egypt, NJ - Angelina's Season Three replacement, because nobody likes Angelina or wants her around. Since Season Three was filming, nothing is known about her besides her, which has been taken down due to her being on the show, or something. Secretly, she's a clone of Snooki created in a CIA lab as part of a project to destroy Islamic extremists, and her time on Jersey Shore was a test to check her effectiveness since, as we all know, if she can handle Guidos, she can handle those faggots Muslims in the Middle East.
Duckphone (Age Unknown) - Staten Island, New York - The least-retarded cast member, and a minor IRL meme of the show that causes all of the call-drama within the house whenever the cast isn't using their cellphones. Once, helped convince a dumbass guido that Angelina was dead along with Snooki's help, and another time, helped break up Jwoww's relationship with her man-child of an ex-boyfriend. May secretly be recording all of the house's conversations to later blackmail them all later when The Situation and Pauly D get their own spin-off shows.
The Goodfeathers (Varying ages) - Florence, Italy The avian heroes of Season 4, as these Italian patriots seem to constantly attack the cast members in the house when they are at their most vulnerable, no doubt telling them to get the fuck out of Italy as Italian Pigeons do not approve of their faggotry polluting their fair home country.
- Anonymous: 12-year-olds who snitch on guys who cheat on their girlfriends.
- Battling: When Guidos flail about on a dance floor.
- Beat Up The Beat: Guidos are sometimes intimidated by the power of the music, and do a strange ritual which involves crouching low to the ground and slapping the floor, gradually rising into the air in full fist-pump mode.
- Chicken Cutlet: A rubber fake boob chicks, traps, or underage girls put in their bras to make it look like they have tits. Makes shark music when floating in a pool.
- Creep Mode: Being on the prowl for pussy.
- "Done": What an extremely dumb clingy girl (cough, Sammi, cough) claims to be, when she lacks the willpower to actually break up with her boyfriend. It involves walking away, proclaiming "I'm done." and "fuck you." before going back to the guy and arguing with him some more.
- D.T.F: Down To Fuck - Willing to have sex in the immediate future.
- Fist Pump/Pumping: The art of fapping in the air to the drum-beat of a song, usually off-tempo.
- Get It In: Fuck.
- G.F.F.: The "Grenade Free Foundation", a declaration of solidarity to not bring home ugly chicks. No member of the G.F.F. has ever succeeded in living up to their G.F.F. oath.
- Good Look: A favorable public perception of Guidos, as they believe the public has or doesn't have of them, based on the behavior of one of their posse.
- Gorilla Juicehead: Roided up Guidos that Snooki prefers to have sex with.
- Grenade: Fugly chicks you accidentally have sex with. Alternatively, you "fall on a grenade" so your friend can have sex with the fatty's hot friend.
- Grenade Grundle Chode: A male Grenade.
- GTL: Gym, Tanning and Laundry: the Guido mantra. In order to be "fresh" for the club, you need to G) work out, T) dye your skin orange, and L) have brand-new, never-worn clothing that is allegedly stylish.
- Hippopotamus: A chubby chick whose friend you want to have sex with.
- House Music: What Guidos think they are dancing/having seizures to at clubs. Sometimes they are.
- I.F.F.: The "I'm Fucked Foundation", which you are a member of if you have done something that is going to incite drama later. Members include Angelina and Roid Rage Ronnie.
- JAGAHBAWMS: Fukkin' JAGAH! No srsly, it's Jager and Red Bull, and tastes like cough syrup and warm piss. Better with Full Throttle, but Guidos don't want to know that because they like the taste of piss.
- Land-Mine: Skinny ugly chicks you accidentally have sex with. As with grenades, you might do this so your friend can have sex with the uggo's hot friend. Term coined by The Situation.
- Loosey-Goosey: Angelina. May or may not describe the status of her vagina after Vinny's humongous schlong was in it.
- M.I.A.: Miami. Don't ask why, just roll with it.
- M.V.P. Night: Mike, Vinny and Pauly just realized their initials spell out "M.V.P.", so now they have special nights together. This is totally not gay even though they went to Bed together.
- Pickles: Snooki's favorite food.
- Pound On: To have sex with a girl. Or, potentially, another guy, as long as you're the "top".
- The Robbery: When you are at a club, and your friend is dancing with some slut, you get her attention while he's not looking, and bang her, you have just pulled off The Robbery.
- Ron-Ron Juice: What the Guidos drink before going out clubbing. Although it is confirmed one of the ingredients is watermelon (which is fitting, given that guidos are basically white niggers) presumably the rest of the mixture consists of Vodka, Kool Aid, and Ronnie's semen with just a hint of smoked paprika.
- Sangwich: A sammich
- The Shirt Before The Shirt: A wifebeater worn around the house until it is time to spray yourself down with bronzer and AXE, and put on your metrosexual clubbing shirt. This is a male-only practice amongst Guidos. Guidettes just throw on something from a store that caters to trannies and call it a night.
- The Smash Room: The room you smoosh in. Don't know what smooshing is? Look below.
- Sloppy: Drunk as hell
- Sloptart: Any drunk and emotional girl
- Smash/Smoosh: To have sex.
- Sushi: Like Cannollis, except with fish.
- T-Shirt Time: When you put on the shirt after the shirt before the shirt. You know it's T-shirt time when a bunch of faggots start singing "It's T-shirt tiiiiiiiiime! T-shirt tiiiiiiiiiiiiime!"
- Work: Getting drunk, dancing and making out with a bunch of whores, then coming home to your ex-girlfriend, claiming you didn't do anything with any other girls, and having sex with her. Not to be confused with carrying out the duties of an employee, which is something Guidos avoid at all costs. Especially Angelina.
In Season three an amazing device was brought back from Pauly D's home, known as a grenade whistle, it is to alert anyone around the grenades AKA ugly Jersey hoe bags are present.
The Only Reason Anybody Watches This Fucking Show
Just a little compilation of the most intellectual moments
This is DJ Pauly D Being a guido is a way of life I don't represent all Italians, I represent myself I started this whole GTL shit: Gym, Tan, and Laundry You gotta stay fresh to death Yo, how come every time I'm DJ'ing, there be a hot ass girl but she got an ugly ass friend C'mon man, I ain't got no time for that I'm only dealing with nines and tens, not threes and fours So if your trying to get into my DJ booth, and your trying to come home with me DJ Pauly D Then you and your friends better come correct There will be no grenades tonight Where all my ladies at, make some noise! Where my fellas at, I can't forget my dawgs make some noise! When I'm in your city and your rockin' with DJ Pauly D And that beat hits you, you gotta fight back So what I need you to do is get down real low and tap that ground Keep hitting it! (x2) Now work your way up and fight that beat. Fight that beat! Now pump your fists!
- Angelina Gets B& From Twitter: After quitting the house (AGAIN) two weeks before Season Two ends and popping shit on her official twatter account, MTV makes Angelina take it down and pretends that it was a fake Angelina.
- Snooki Gets A Book Deal: A SHORE THING, the novel will revolve around a girl looking for dick on the boardwalk (one full of big hair, dark tans, and fights galore). A SHORE THING is currently scheduled for publication in January 2011. . Tentatively titled
- Angelina Didn't Stay, Got Her Ass Beat: Okay, it was more of Snooki's sloppy seconds, some dude named Jeff. But it's still fucking hilarious. You stay with Angelina, you get your ass beat. You stay with Angelina, you get your ass beat. You stay with Angelina, you get your ass beat. You stay with Angelina, you get your ass beat.
- The Situation Writes A Book: And it comes off more like a dude trying to hit on another dude. Check it:
—The Situation's Ghost-writer
- The Situation is Mel Gibson: According to an exit interview with one of the many women The Situation did not have sex with during season two, one of his pickup lines is "Can you just shut up and blow me?", as well as asking "Do you like getting your hair pulled? I need to know for later when I'm going to fuck you." Later, she ended up at a Jay Leno taping, not aware that The Situation was a guest, and things got awkward.
- Canada makes their version called Lake Shore: Instead of guidos you have a Turkish that hates the loud mouth romanian Jew, an Italian that refers to himself as the #1 WOP, a Tila Tequila wanna-be, a gay lebanese, a polish tranny better suited for the porn industry, and douchebag Czech and Albanian. Basically it's a show for eastern european attention whores to party. Youtube video here
- Angelina makes a godawful rap song: Evidently, Angelina is not done whoring herself out yet. So she put out this rap song, called "I'm Hot." In it, some douchebag guy raps right along with her, talking about how hot she is and how misunderstood she is. Well, Angelina, we actually understand you perfectly. You're a self-absorbed, fat, ugly, vapid cunt and you want the whole wide world to know it. Did I hit the nail on the head?
Are you a guido? See how you react to this music
The 16th Minute(s) of Fame
Fat, hideous sluts get drunk and punch bitches before rolling home to fuck their 'roided-out co-stars. In 2020 when the Chinese come to override American politics, their fans are already prime candidates for Soylent Green.
- New Jersey - Where they're actually famous
- New York - Where they're actually from
- Geordie Shore - The Britfag version.
- So Cash
- Fist Pump 101
- SnookTV - Because you want to see more of a short Mexican pretending to be a wop.
- The Situation's Website
- JWoww's Failbook fan page
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|Featured article September 2, 2010|
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Puppy Pitcher / Duke Nukem Forever