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Job

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Jobs not penis.jpg

As well as being another word for boring, a Job is something that unemployed people and students don't have. Jobs are, by definition, paid labor. Anything a robot could do better, a human is already doing and getting paid to -- unless they are Mexican, as paying a Mexican is purely optional. All job managers are fat, bald, miserable, white men because minorities don't or "can't" work, and the highest level to which a woman can aspire in a company is to that of Secretary.

How to Get a Job

<video type="youtube" id="RMzJ9nXSR50" width="200" height="180" position="right" desc="A typical resume on YouTube"/> Ask Mommy or Daddy to get you connections. If that doesn't help, open up those "want-ads" your pop talks about (or alternatively, a new browser window) and start circling interesting ads. After an hour, pick up a phone and start calling around, making appointments for interviews. Eventually, you will find some paid task to occupy your attention for 8 hours every day!


This is your life on the job

How to Avoid having to get a Job

The fact that you're reading this means that you don't want to get a job. Very well lazy-ass, here's your choices:

  • Fake to have Asperger's Syndrome: Don't know what Asperger's is? Don't worry, nobody does; it's not a real disease.
  • Join the Army. You'll be worked like a mule for a couple of months but all U.S. soldiers do after training is sit on their two-story houses in a suburb leeching tax-payers' money.
  • If you're a woman, get pregnant. You'll be amazed how much welfare money you can get you for your little brats.

Regions In Which Jobs Do Not Exist as a Concept

Some Advantages of Having a Job

  • You get some money - After the Government takes its cut for taxes.
  • You might meet people you can have sex with - Take special care to avoid coworkers and professional contacts, as this may lead to a sexual harassment lolsuit.
  • Free coffee, if you work as a pilot, at a hotel or a Starbucks.
  • See that pen over there? Take it.
  • No seriously, take it. There's a shitload of them in the supply closet. Go load your bag up with as much as you want. Paper is always complimentary.
  • Here, have a company car too. Sure it's just a Taurus, but in a few years it could be a BMW!
  • Get promoted to Senior VP of Sales and make more money than God
  • Some people will cruelly call you 'a loser' just should you not have a job; getting a job will prove that you are, rather, 'a luser with a job', with all the humiliation-guzzling sqiLlz that implies.


And remember, after your teeth have been knocked in and the hundredth or so boss has had his way with your asshole, you won't feel a thing---and the company insurance plan might pay for as much as 30% of your ostomy and false-teeth supplies!

Some Disadvantages of Having a Job

  • Less time to play on the internets, unless you work in an office and have a computer to yourself
  • Too much IRL drama, from coworkers and friends who don't see you often enough
  • More opportunity for your head to explode; workplace tension is among the worst
  • Most jobs don't offer paid time off, vacation or holiday breaks; will expect you to work "overtime" and during breaks mandated by law
  • Drug testing is mandatory; potheads/Niggers need not apply
  • Having to clean your desk out once you get fired for looking at ED while working
  • Security escorting you out of the building by your collar
  • Being thrown into a parking lot after being fired
  • Going back to finding a new job

There are many different kind of jobs. It's important to pick the right one that suits your personality.

Some Different Jobs You Might Choose

If you apply yourself correctly you could rise through the ranks of the corporate ladder to become a productive member of society.

Not Jobs

Retirement

Ending one's work life is known as retirement. In the United States of America, this usually entails a lard-induced heart attack for men and pregnancy for women. Feminazis have attempted to redefine household chores as work ("housework"), but since the advent of post-modern irony they have since returned to the kitchen and put the tea on.

Dear Employers

Because this parody of Eminem's song Stan is tl;dr, you can find the rest of the song here.

Dear Employers, I wrote you but still ain't callin'

I left my address, my email, and my phone number at the bottom

I sent two CVs back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em

There probably was a problem with my Gmail or somethin'

Sometimes I misspell email addresses when I type 'em

But anyways, fuck it, what's been up man, are you hiring?

My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm bout to be a father

If I have a daughter, guess what I'm a call her?

I'm a name her Jobbie.


The Economy fucking sucks.

Gallery

See Also

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Job
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Life

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See Also

The Comprehensive Guide To LifeIRLList of Proposed Internet-Based IRL CommunitiesMinimalismNight AuditorPokémon Go