- Hatreon (Donate)
- Web IRC
As well as being another word for boring, a Job is something that unemployed people and students don't have. Jobs are, by definition, paid labor. Anything a robot could do better, a human is already doing and getting paid to -- unless they are Mexican, as paying a Mexican is purely optional. All job managers are fat, bald, miserable, white men because minorities don't or "can't" work, and the highest level to which a woman can aspire in a company is to that of Secretary.
How to Get a Job
<video type="youtube" id="RMzJ9nXSR50" width="200" height="180" position="right" desc="A typical resume on YouTube"/> Ask Mommy or Daddy to get you connections. If that doesn't help, open up those "want-ads" your pop talks about (or alternatively, a new browser window) and start circling interesting ads. After an hour, pick up a phone and start calling around, making appointments for interviews. Eventually, you will find some paid task to occupy your attention for 8 hours every day!
How to Avoid having to get a Job
The fact that you're reading this means that you don't want to get a job. Very well lazy-ass, here's your choices:
- Fake to have Asperger's Syndrome: Don't know what Asperger's is? Don't worry, nobody does; it's not a real disease.
- Join the Army. You'll be worked like a mule for a couple of months but all U.S. soldiers do after training is sit on their two-story houses in a suburb leeching tax-payers' money.
- If you're a woman, get pregnant. You'll be amazed how much welfare money you can get you for your little brats.
Regions In Which Jobs Do Not Exist as a Concept
Some Advantages of Having a Job
- You get some money - After the Government takes its cut for taxes.
- You might meet people you can have sex with - Take special care to avoid coworkers and professional contacts, as this may lead to a sexual harassment lolsuit.
- Free coffee, if you work as a pilot, at a hotel or a Starbucks.
- See that pen over there? Take it.
- No seriously, take it. There's a shitload of them in the supply closet. Go load your bag up with as much as you want. Paper is always complimentary.
- Here, have a company car too. Sure it's just a Taurus, but in a few years it could be a BMW!
- Get promoted to Senior VP of Sales and make more money than God
- Some people will cruelly call you 'a loser' just should you not have a job; getting a job will prove that you are, rather, 'a luser with a job', with all the humiliation-guzzling sqiLlz that implies.
And remember, after your teeth have been knocked in and the hundredth or so boss has had his way with your asshole, you won't feel a thing---and the company insurance plan might pay for as much as 30% of your ostomy and false-teeth supplies!
Some Disadvantages of Having a Job
- Less time to play on the internets, unless you work in an office and have a computer to yourself
- Too much IRL drama, from coworkers and friends who don't see you often enough
- More opportunity for your head to explode; workplace tension is among the worst
- Most jobs don't offer paid time off, vacation or holiday breaks; will expect you to work "overtime" and during breaks mandated by law
- Drug testing is mandatory; potheads/Niggers need not apply
- Having to clean your desk out once you get fired for looking at ED while working
- Security escorting you out of the building by your collar
- Being thrown into a parking lot after being fired
- Going back to finding a new job
Some Different Jobs You Might Choose
- Airline Pilot
- ED Sysop
- Habbo Hotel Moderator
- Website Administrator
- Furniture Placement Specialist
- Nutritional Sciences Expert
- Sanitation Technician
- Performing Artist
- Geek Squad
- Wannabe Artist
- Customer Services
- Protection of Merchandise
- Therapeudic Supply
- Insurance Collecter
- Preschool Teacher
- Yoga Instructor
- Sammich Artist
- Professional Expert
- Video game developer
- Serial Killer
- Drug Dealer
- Porn star
- Jew - Jew is mostly considered to be a job, because you make infinite amount of money as you steal people's wallets.
Ending one's work life is known as retirement. In the United States of America, this usually entails a lard-induced heart attack for men and pregnancy for women. Feminazis have attempted to redefine household chores as work ("housework"), but since the advent of post-modern irony they have since returned to the kitchen and put the tea on.
Dear Employers, I wrote you but still ain't callin'
I left my address, my email, and my phone number at the bottom
I sent two CVs back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em
There probably was a problem with my Gmail or somethin'
Sometimes I misspell email addresses when I type 'em
But anyways, fuck it, what's been up man, are you hiring?
My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm bout to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what I'm a call her?
I'm a name her Jobbie.
is part of a series on
[Go Live One]