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Jobs not penis.jpg

As well as being another word for boring, a Job is something that unemployed people and students don't have. Jobs are, by definition, paid labor. Anything a robot could do better, a human is already doing and getting paid to -- unless they are Mexican, as paying a Mexican is purely optional. All job managers are fat, bald, miserable, white men because minorities don't or "can't" work, and the highest level to which a woman can aspire in a company is to that of Secretary.

How to Get a Job[edit]

A typical resume on YouTube

Ask Mommy or Daddy to get you connections. If that doesn't help, open up those "want-ads" your pop talks about (or alternatively, a new browser window) and start circling interesting ads. After an hour, pick up a phone and start calling around, making appointments for interviews. Eventually, you will find some paid task to occupy your attention for 8 hours every day!

This is your life on the job

How to Avoid having to get a Job[edit]

The fact that you're reading this means that you don't want to get a job. Very well lazy-ass, here's your choices:

  • Fake to have Asperger's Syndrome: Don't know what Asperger's is? Don't worry, nobody does; it's not a real disease.
  • Join the Army. You'll be worked like a mule for a couple of months but all U.S. soldiers do after training is sit on their two-story houses in a suburb leeching tax-payers' money.
  • If you're a woman, get pregnant. You'll be amazed how much welfare money you can get you for your little brats.
  • Be Black or Mexican

Regions In Which Jobs Do Not Exist as a Concept[edit]

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Some Advantages of Having a Job[edit]

  • You get some money - After the Government takes its cut for taxes.
  • You might meet people you can have sex with - Take special care to avoid coworkers and professional contacts, as this may lead to a sexual harassment lolsuit.
  • Free coffee, if you work as a pilot, at a hotel or a Starbucks.
  • See that pen over there? Take it.
  • No seriously, take it. There's a shitload of them in the supply closet. Go load your bag up with as much as you want. Paper is always complimentary.
  • Here, have a company car too. Sure it's just a Taurus, but in a few years it could be a BMW!
  • Get promoted to Senior VP of Sales and make more money than God
  • Some people will cruelly call you 'a loser' just should you not have a job; getting a job will prove that you are, rather, 'a luser with a job', with all the humiliation-guzzling sqiLlz that implies.

And remember, after your teeth have been knocked in and the hundredth or so boss has had his way with your asshole, you won't feel a thing---and the company insurance plan might pay for as much as 30% of your ostomy and false-teeth supplies!

Some Disadvantages of Having a Job[edit]

  • Less time to play on the internets, unless you work in an office and have a computer to yourself
  • Too much IRL drama, from coworkers and friends who don't see you often enough
  • More opportunity for your head to explode; workplace tension is among the worst
  • Most jobs don't offer paid time off, vacation or holiday breaks; will expect you to work "overtime" and during breaks mandated by law.
  • Drug testing is mandatory; potheads/Niggers need not apply.
  • Having to clean your desk out once you get fired for editing ED while on the clock.
  • Security escorting you out of the building by your collar
  • Being thrown into a parking lot after being fired
  • Going back to finding a new job

There are many different kind of jobs. It's important to pick the right one that suits your personality.

Some Different Jobs You Might Choose[edit]

If you apply yourself correctly you could rise through the ranks of the corporate ladder to become a productive member of society.

Not Jobs[edit]


Ending one's work life is known as retirement. In the United States of America, this usually entails a lard-induced heart attack for men and pregnancy for women. Feminazis have attempted to redefine household chores as work ("housework"), but since the advent of post-modern irony they have since returned to the kitchen and put the tea on.

Dear Employers[edit]

Because this parody of Eminem's song Stan is tl;dr, you can find the rest of the song here.

Dear Employers, I wrote you but still ain't callin'

I left my address, my email, and my phone number at the bottom

I sent two CVs back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em

There probably was a problem with my Gmail or somethin'

Sometimes I misspell email addresses when I type 'em

But anyways, fuck it, what's been up man, are you hiring?

My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm bout to be a father

If I have a daughter, guess what I'm a call her?

I'm a name her Jobbie.

The Economy fucking sucks.


See Also[edit]

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is part of a series on


[BRB HugboxGo Live One]

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