John Cena

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John Cena after a hard day of sucking cock.

John Felix Anthony Cena aka Dr. of Thuganomics aka The Prototype aka John Cena aka The Franchise. was one of the biggest WWE wrestlers of all time because the WWE writers seemed to think that everyone wanted to see a wigger defy the odds and cut Oscar Award winner speeches every time he was handed a microphone. Also because little kids, niggers, Mexican, and women liked to spend money on his merchandise.

Cena was carved out of the shit, cum and blood that was shit out after his 2 dads were butt fucking on 23 April 1977, West Newbury, Massachusetts. He became a wrestler so he could rape guys the way he was raped by his parents every day until he was 30. Both dads were raped to death after Cena won his first title.

Before TV[edit]

John Cena threat advisory.png

When John Cena was a kid he had a dream, to work in the gayest job in the world. In college he tried to be a bodybuilder, a football star, a chauffeur and even a gay pornstar, but these jobs weren't gay enough for him. Eventually he found out about the homo-erotic sport of rasslin' and trained sucked 6 cocks at once hard until WWE hired him and trained him to be a truly god-awful wrestler that sucked badly and a top-notch cock-sucker, and a manwhore.

In Ring[edit]

Cena's first appeared in the WWE last Thursday. He was dressed in overly tight green spandex shorts that showed off his tiny package, thus appealing to what would become his fan base. This made him look like a generic jobber, and thus no one gave a crap about him, though everyone did enjoy watching Kurt Angle thoroughly kick the crap out of him.

Unfortunately, Cena thinks he's a great rapper, and so annoyed fellow wrestlers by freestyling whenever he could. Someone realized that at the time they didn't have a white rapper gimmick that could rip off Eminem so they made him dress like a wigger.

For some reason, some of the fans decided that Cena's freestyles on opponents (usually about the length of their penis) were somewhat entertaining, so began cheering for him. This led to every other wrestler on the company (male and female) losing to him in matches until Cena won the WWE Championship. Since winning he constantly either was defending the belt or challenging for it, raping it of any credibility it had. No one has ever been allowed to work together to defeat him in a handicap, and other fag-like sounding match types. Not even tag teams work together when facing him, they simply stand there and take his moves as to avoid injury from his lack of know how.

When Vince McMahon switched the titles on show to try and get ratings, Cena went to Raw, where the fans hated him since every wrestler, announcer, cameraman, production assistant, and jizz mopper on the show had an estimated 245% more talent than him.

The WWE writers tried to make him likable by making his opponents into mega evil bad guys who beat up women and old men, hated gays and niggas, and made fun of whatever city they were in. This worked against Cena, as these qualities made his opponents even more popular to the type of fans wrestling gets.

Despite this, anyone who isn't a fan of his hated him no matter what, even booing him in his own hometown. So instead they called him a controversial wrestler which was a nice way of saying he sucks, and said that the fans were "very into the match" (which is unbelievable bullshit) or "defiant."

The Chump... er Champ. The fucking undefeatable wiggar cannot be defeated by a professional wrestler, only another loser wiggar.

Cena's greatest match, and no doubt the highlight of his career was when he was pinned in the middle of the ring by fellow wigger Kevin "K-Fag" Federline live on the first edition of Raw in 2007. That's right, Cena and K-Fag had a match, and K-Fag won. Cena lost to Kevin fuckin' Federline.

Being a giant faggot he's into fashion. The Champ has also made a few "trademarks" (pun, get it????). Cena is often seen with knee-high denim jeans with the Ecko logo split in half on the pockets so that he can show entry into his ass. Being a wigger, he wore a lot of basketball jerseys when he first started in WWE. Lately, Cena has been wearing a lot of Chained Gang Bang merchandise. When his first movie, The Marine was released, John was seen to be adding more military-inspired clothing to his outfit to promote its release even though he's never actually been in the military (they claim Don't ask, don't tell).

Vince McMahon's out-of-wedlock Irish midget of an son got screwed during the Royal Rumble! OMG He's teh real winnar, not Cena! He was nevar eliminated!

Cena recently lost the WWE Championship to Sheamus after accidentally falling off the top rope and smashing through a table. Cena is WWE's biggest star and has been in the company for 8 years, but he lost his precious title to an Irish ginger who debuted two months prior. Sheamus got to where he was because he is still far moar talented than Cena, despite his apparent handicap.

Musician[edit]

Building from his gimmick as a wigger, John Cena also adds "recording artist" to his resume as he released his debut rap album You Can See Me Unfortunately and Now I'm Taking Your Money and Spending It On Growth Hormones and Tranny Prostitutes That I Find Underneath The Bridge Next To Where I Scope Out Little Boys Who I Then Rape and Plaster Against Walls With My Emecualte Ejaculate which debuted at #15 on the US Billboard 200 chart.

The album was recorded inside his cousin for over 9000 hours. The album features his entrance theme song, "The Time Is Now" and one of the songs is performed with popular rap band "Estoric" and a number of other songs Cena performed with famous rapper Bumpy Knuckles. He released a rap record "You Can't See Me" (in reference to his presence on the album charts) with his cousin, butt buddy, and fellow hardcore gangsta "Tha TradeMarc." This was heavily promoted for about a month during it's release, before never being talked about again due to Cena's lack of niggertry.

The album has been claimed to be a success, having sold more copies than Brooke Hogan & K-Fag could manage, having been marketed instead as a coaster.

Since it's release, Cena has blessed the world by never rapping or freestyling again. But he's still an OG, homeslice.

Actor[edit]

Cena in The Marine.

John has also joined the movie business. Due to his ever-growing popularity with his fans, the WWE (having already ruined TV and music) decided to venture into making moar terrible movies. One of which is The Marine, and for some still unknown reason Cena was cast as the lead actor. In 2006, The Marine was finished and allowed to be released, much to his fanboys' delight. The film is about an ex-Marine (which therefore means the movie title is misleading, making it even worse if possible) called John (because Cena would get confused being called a different name) who comes home to bang his wife after he is discharged from the military for no longer having good anus. He and his wife decide to go on a road trip instead of banging, and she ends up getting kidnapped by a gang of rapists because that makes perfect sense. The movie is then filled with explosions and random fights to mask Cena's horrible lack of acting ability. One such fight scene involed the protagonist being englufed in flames, but somehow surviving and attacking John from behind. The movie did not go over well with critics and received negative reviews due to the poor storyline, shitty acting, writing, lack of talent, and discrimination to the US Marines. Mostly it was because Cena is as good a wrestler as he is an actor: extremely ghey. Still his adoring fans got in line and spent their hard earned money to see this epic clusterfuck.

There has been some speculation that Cena had some issues while filming this movie. One issue is that of the sex scene between his character and his wife in the movie. Cena was reportedly uncomfortable with this because he does not like pussy. So, the actress had to wear a paper bag over her head with a picture of Vince McMahon's face glued onto it, just so Cena could go through filming the scene. This too failed as Cena has always prematurely ejaculated during every take of the scene.

Cena starred in another movie that came out in March 2009 called 12 Rounds. It bombed just as badly as his first movie. Or maybe it didn't, but who fucking cares?

The Marine now has a sequel that doesn't star John Cena, which is a major disappointment. Cena was replaced as the lead by a guy with an even shittier acting talent, Ted DiBiase Jr.

In late 2009 Cena compared his acting ability to that of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson during an interview. Cena fanboys rejoiced upon hearing this comparison, while the IWC treated the matter by going calmly on his statements. Cena and Rock fans have begged for a movie starring the two of them so that they can enjoy a movie starring their heroes, but BAWWWWW because they will never get it.

He also played Fred's dad in a movie that should not exist.

Acting Continued: Subway[edit]

My Your cock. Your My mouth. NOW.

John Cena was given a 15 second Subway commercial, as is common with pathetic wrestlers who need money. The level of acting and charisma in this blew everything that was in his movie out of the fucking water. This commercial is the most successful thing to ever happen in Cena's career, because he found a way to get paid to just stand there, look at a footlong, and argue with his boyfriend (which apart from deepthroating are the only things in life he is not completely horrible at), but it also spawned an extremely unfunny meme.

Injuries[edit]

Cena's first major injury occured on the October 1st, 2007 episode of Raw. The IWC broke open the bottles of lulz and poured epic win over their cocks as Cena tore all of the muscles in his arm wrestling Mr. Kennedy whilst he was executing the devastating, lethal maneuver known as the basic hiptoss. Needless to say, everybody who wasn't a fan of his celebrated. Cena gave up his WWE championship to "The Legend Killer" Randy Orton. It was rumored that it would take at least a year for Cena to recover from his injury, but he defied the odds and returned in the January 2008 Royal Rumble to rape everyone in his path, including Triple H.

In July 2008, Cena broke his neck outside of the ring. Cena fans cried while the IWC laughed in their faces. WWE tried to cover this up by claiming he was injured in a match with Batista that happened the previous week. At the 2012 Summerslam, Cena tore his penis clean off his prostate when he got an erection in a match with CM Punk while Punk performed his finisher "The 'GoaT'SE".

Fans[edit]

Although he is hated by almost all the wrestling community due to lack of wrestling ability or vocal talent and his steroid muscles, he still has a few fans. He calls them part of his "Chain Gang," because some genius writer thought that sounded cool and could fit on a t-shirt.

Typical Cena fan. You walk

Cena has very distinct breeds of fans:

As the WWE likes to try and make fans like who they want to be champions, Cena is told to ignore all the fans that boo him, which has occurred at every WWE show since Cena's first appearance. When this does not work, the WWE pumps the sound of crowds cheering over the speaker system to try and get him liked. It fails.

Last Thursday, Craig Griffith got the chance to meet his idol at a fancy restaurant for a night of romance and testicle sucking. Craig had a huge cum-stain on his jeans as he waited to worship the might of the world's most shriveled WWE penis. As Craig vigorously fapped at the table it slowly occurred to him that John Cena was not going to arrive. Apparently even John Cena was not attracted to the mutant fatass. Craig spent the next four months crying his ass off and fisting his mom for at least 100 days.

Six Moves Of Doom[edit]

Cena is well known for using the same poorly executed moves to defeat any wrestler, no matter how technical or more experienced they are/were/will be/have been/aren't. Due to his lack of ability in wrestling (and in life for that matter), he has two moar moves than a fuckin' Pokemon. They are:

  • The Closed Fist - His most commonly used move, as since he lacks real wrestling ability, he must punch and brawl his way through matches.
  • Ass-Ramming - Cena attempts to fly through the air, but lacking wings just knocks his opponent over like an idiot.
    Cena pinning Randy Orton and Cody Rhodes (FYI, Dibiase's fuckin' your mom).
  • The Protobomb - Cena grabs his opponents inner thigh and fondles it for about 3 seconds, then moves to the balls, and that's about it, as it looks like a retarded baby may have come up with this move.
  • Five Knuckle Shuffle - A mockery of a move that is named after Cena's favorite past time (srsly) and is another closed fist disguised as an actual move where he bounces off the ropes and hits his opponent's face while they are on the mat, mostly after Cena has raped them.
  • The F-U - A very bad attempt at a Death Valley Driver, but looks stupid enough to be his finisher. Named after the reply he gets after asking people for sex. (Now called The Attitude Adjustment because the WWE is now rated PG and pathetic single mothers that have nothing better to do than complain thought that "F-U" sounded a lot like "fuck you)"
  • The STF (short for stiff) - Cena's favorite sex position disguised as a submission hold. Cena grabs his opponent from behind (so they cannot escape) and mounts him from behind while they are on their stomach. Cena then humps them until they give up, whether that be from the pleasure or pain caused by the hold.

John Cena meets the Internet[edit]

Cena reacts to this article.

John Cena has tried to promote himself on the internet before, however he was shocked when he realized that teh interwebs is one place where the WWE can't pretend he's an hero.

  • Cena successfully had a MySpace page open for a month, before it was "taken down" for "reworking." This is of course bullshit, as he couldn't handle the wrestling marks, flamers and haters spamming his page.
  • Cena attempted his own YouTube vBlog called Five Questions where he would answer five specially selected uncontroversial and uninteresting questions made up by WWE writers. This was canned after it became clear no-one gave a crap about it.
  • Cena became a Gaiafag. (SRSLY, check it out!) in a desperate attempt to have one place on Earth that actually likes him (after all, everyone on Gaia is as gay as he is).
  • Cena has a Twitter-favicon.png Twitter account. It's really gay because he begins each of his tweets addressing his equally gay fans as the "CeNation."
  • It was a long wait but Cena finally has a fucking YouTube Favicon.png JewTube account but there's one problem: the pussy has disabled all comments. Seems that our roided rap version of Hulk Hogan has finally realized that not even the internet likes him. Just like in the real world.

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