John Edwards

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Visionary hair.

Johnny Reid "$400 Haircuts" Edwards is a southerner with a huge house and really great hair. In 2004, after losing the Democratic primary, he became the Vice Presidential running mate and fiancé of unsuccessful Democratic candidate John Kerry. He ran for president again in 2008, with a new and improved plan to eliminate poverty, but there was no room for a white guy in a race between a brother and a woman. His haircuts have cost him anywhere from $400 to $1,250 [1], making him the most metrosexual candidate in America's electoral history.

After Edwards failed to secure the Democratic nomination in 2008, the lulzy media (Le National Enqirer) decided to publish something somewhat factually true for a change and revealed that he had been cheating on his cancer-ridden wife. He lied about it at first saying the National Enquirer was too lulzy to be trusted, but finally fessed up after dropping out of the race. In response to criticism of his adultery said, "I believe in Two Americas. I just wanted a woman for each." In 2009 a grand jury in North Carolina began investigating allegations that Edwards arranged for hush money payments from campaign funds to his babymama Rielle Hunter. This substantially increased the chances that Edwards will have Bubba as his next life partner.

The Early Years[edit]

As Johnny likes to point out every five minutes, his father worked in a mill.

John Edwards was pulled out of his mother's gaping baby portal on June 10th, 1953, with no luscious brown locks atop his petite little head. All his life, Edwards has dreamed of having the most beautiful head of hair in all the land, one that would make the boys swoon and envy his delicious blueberry pie scented dreads. This is when Edwards decided that he would grow up to be a lawyer, so he could spend all the money he made on the fairest hair to ever thrive in modern society.

Also, his father worked in a mill.

Stay the fuck here, man

To do this though, Edwards could not lie back and let the clients come to him. So, with his best pair of running shoes, he chased even the quickest ambulances in all of South Carolina, profiting greatly from the tears of his anthropomorphic treasure chests clients. The biggest bounty Edwards reaped was from a $25 million suit for a girl who was eaten alive by the AIDS in a pool, which started the popular trend of pool closing in America, in honor of this little girl's death.

While he was growing up, his father worked in a mill.

But no, $25 million dollars was not enough to buy Edwards the most beautiful hair cut in the world. So, he sought greater things, and decided to be a politician, as he dreamed of a world where he could be president, and not have men persecuted because of the amount of money they spend on their haircut (except for those cheap fucks who get their hair done at Hair Cuttery; they deserve it). Edwards realized though that if he wanted to be a successful politician, he would have to marry a broad, as the world simply doesn't understand the way he feels about the boys. In 1977, he married Elizabeth Anania, to mask his burning desire to be mounted by a fine young lad with bulging biceps and a raging hard-on for house music.

But he never forgot his father working in a mill.

The Death of his Son[edit]

John Edwards, taking Wade into the woods to make a man out of him

On April 4th, 1996, Lucius Wade Edwards, John's only flesh and blood, was killed after strong gusts overturned the Jeep he was driving, which begs the question of why Wade was driving in 14 MPH winds. As Edwards still one day dreamed of becoming President, he reserved the pity card for seven years later, when USA Today published a TL;DR article about how losing Wade was just so hard. And still is, just so hard.

This move failed to garner any sympathy from the American people, since even the wussiest of wusses agree that Edwards needs to learn how to move on. To replace Wade, Edwards had his sperm surgically placed into his wife's vagina, for he didn't want to commit the disgusting, horrendous act of having consensual sex in the missionary position. As of today, Edwards replacement children have failed to live up to the standards set by Wade, as they are too young and inexperienced to appreciate the joys of sex. Edwards' grief at his son's death was offered as proof by the conservative media (particularly Mann Coulter) that the two had a sexual relationship, since obviously no parent would ever be sad at the loss of a child unless they had been committing incest.

The Kedwards Stigma[edit]

It must be LOVE!

In 2004, After failing to obtain the Democratic nomination for President of Americaland, John Kerry lent out a hand, and made Edwards his running mate, impressed by the way the sunlight hit his beautiful hair just right. As they spent more time together, touring America with Edwards hair tied in a handkerchief for safekeeping, they developed a relationship. At first, it was only for the sex, but as they got to know each other more, they felt a deep spiritual connection, and started dating.

Edwards wanted to profess his love to the world of Kerry's chiseled, droopy chin, but was pre-emptively muzzled by the rampant amount of fundies ruling over the south, as if they knew about their love, him and Kerry would drop in the polls significantly. Edwards tried his best to keep their relationship a secret, but often made slip-ups, as well as slip-downs. Because cameramen are like rapists, always waiting around the corner to grab [a picture of] you when you least suspect it.

These slip ups are what mainly caused Edwards and Kerry to lose the election, as America was revolted by the idea of having a gay couple running America. Who knows what kind of pro-AIDS and unprotected group-sex propoganda they could have cultivated? A gallery of evidence shining light on their sinful relationship can be seen below.

2008 Presidential Campaign[edit]

After deciding that he wasn't quite butthurt enough from losing the 2004 election, Edwards decided that he would run again, only to set himself up for failure later down the road. Because of his highly publicized affair with Kerry during the last election, Edwards has managed to shoot up to third place in the race for Democratic nomination. Considering though that America is tired of looking at old white men reading the teleprompters when their thrilling episode of Grey's Anatomy is interrupted in favor of an address to the state, Edwards will most likely fail. During the history of his campaign, Edwards made a lot of fuck-ups that garnered him much sympathy and attention, but not enough to push him into the White House, and only enough to demean his character. Here's are just a few of Edwards exciting adventures, on;


The Road to Becoming President!!!11/


The Haircut[edit]

Such a thilly billy.

Sometime in March 2007, Edwards' preference of delicious cock was also called into question after he spent so much money on a haircut, he felt the need to take money out of his own campaign fund. Following this, Edwards was mocked endlessly by the old media, as well as the new.

In reaction, Edwards YouTube Favicon.png posted a video to his Youtube account to defend his ridiculous haircut, labeling people who actually have a sense of humor as devils here to 'distract' people from John Edwards' true ambition in life; to wolf down on a large, hearty two foot long black cock. Oh, and something about ending the war in Iraq, but nobody gives a shit about that. He later YouTube Favicon.png posted another video to his youtube, proclaiming his love for hair. If this keeps up, John Edwards could be the new John Kerry of flip-flopping. Considering their long-standing relationship, this theory is highly plausible.

Soon after launching his 2008 presidential campaign, Edwards added a real-time chat room to JohnEdwards.com (formerly available here and still linked from the main site under the "Blog" tab). Rabid Edwards fanbois there referred to Edwards simply by his initials "JRE," and the sysops at JohnEdwards.com chat were incredibly easy to troll, eventually banning anyone who uttered the
Edwards, assuming he's more popular than Hillary Cliton
Power Word: Haircut in the chat room. After a series of raids spamming nothing but line after line of "HAIRCUT," the official Edwards Chat Room has been MIA since last Thursday.

Popular liberal weblog Daily Kos, whose founder Markos Moulitsas Zuniga is a devout Edwards supporter, will similarly troll-rate anyone who mentions $1,250 haircuts; many of Edwards' supporters can be found congregating there as a result. The fact that Edwards' current campaign manager, Joe Trippi, hired "Kos" as a paid political consultant back in 2004 for Howard Dean's presidential campaign has nothing to do whatsoever with Kos' present shilling for John Edwards.

Some argue that Edwards purposely got the haircut to draw attention to himself, as 450,000 dollars were donated to his campaign in pity, more than tripling the amount he had before. As of now, this infamous haircut will forever be the most significant thing John Edwards will ever do. Ever.

Second Life headquarters raid[edit]

John Edwards' mansion compound in North Carolina. Note all the murdered trees and lack of solar panels on his spacious rooftops.
Nuvola
Moar info: Patriotic Nigras.

One of the most hilarious things to happen since last Thursday, the Second Life raid group Patriotic Nigras raided John Edwards' virtual campaign headquarters, causing lots of lulz. The Edwards camp immediately branded the troublemakers as Republicans or ultra-rightists, conveniently overlooking the numerous "Pool's Closed" and "Over 9000" references in the area.

Game Politics, Jack Thompson's go-to gal for attention, also put put the spotlight on the Second Life raid, crediting Mudkips Acronym for the noble deed. Of course though, this stirred up much controversy between internet liberals, calling Anon 'a bunch of six year olds in the middle of a temper tantrum', failing to realize that nearly all forms of humor come at someone else's expense. These people are enemies of the lulz, and are to not be taken seriously. Go here[2] and here [3] for your daily intake of lulz.

Website[edit]

On his website, John Edwards claims numerous supernatural powers, including being able to visit other dimensions, cast numerous spells, fly, time travel, create a zombie, speak with the dead, channel spirits through his own body, cure various forms of retardation, foretell the future, shoot fireballs, communicate with angels, and to perform faith healing.

Feud with Ann Coulter[edit]

Proud provider of lulz

In March 2007, transsexual conservative commentator and dignified lulzologist Ann Coulter outed John Edwards as a homosexual. [4] Coulter, herself an open angry lesbian, went on to leak Edward's deviant sexual orientation to several mainstream media outlets. For her use of the word "faggot" and saying what everyone on Earth was already thinking, she was condemned by the old media and declared a hero by the internets at large. This also marks the 9,001st time Coulter has called a Democrat a homo. A CNN report of the incident can be seen here, including the footage of the lulzy incident.

Edwards wife, Elizabeth Edwards, flabbergasted by Coulter's accusations of ass pillaging, YouTube Favicon.png came on MSNBC to denounce Coulter. Of course, it backfired right in Elizabeth's face, as Ann Coulter successfully trolled Ms. Edwards into oblivion. Soon after the show ended, Ann drove down to North Carolina and collected Elizabeth's sweet, sweet tears in a canteen, to be manufactured into her own line of Coulter Wine Coolers.

Because America hates old media trolls, Coulter came under heavy fire for her indirect usage of faggot. She had this to say:


   
 
I was denounced all over. All over. I think the one that hurt the most was, was from I'mALittleGirlInAPinkPartyDress.com… Very upsetting…Though about the same time Bill Maher said - and by the way, I did not call John Edwards the F-word. I said I couldn't talk about him because you go into rehab for using that word...But about the same time, you know, Bill Maher was not joking and saying he wished Dick Cheney had been killed in a terrorist attack -- so I've learned my lesson: If I'm going to say anything about John Edwards in the future, I'll just wish he had been killed in a terrorist assassination plot.
 

 
 

—Ann Coulter, on learning her lesson

What Edwards is fighting to prevent

BREAKING JEWZ: Ann and Elizabeth were seen together on the beltway. They were holding hands and drinking iced coffee at a little cafe. They held each other and sobbed. Elizabeth presented Ann a little jewelry box. Inside of which was Elizabeth's least malign tumor. She was going to give it to her husband....

War on Catholicism[edit]

In an attempt to reach out to the internets, Edwards hired two prominent bloggers onto his full-time staff. Taking control of Edward's web operation, Amanda Marcotte of Pandagon and Melissa McEwan of Shakespeare's Sister immediately declared war against The Pope, the Virgin Mary, and every baptized baby on Earth. [5] The women denounced their enemies as "Christofascists", but before they could carry out their plan to assassinate the Pope, Edwards caught on to the plot and forced them to resign. Marcotte and McEwan were last seen serving as interns at the William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library.

The Emperor Demands Universal Health Care[edit]

November '07, Edwards released a campaign commercial promising that if Congress didn't pass Universal Health Care by July '09, he would use his powers as President to take away THEIR health care.

As every lawyer, politician, librarian, and fifth-grader who just got a C minus in "American Government" class knows, The President has absolutely no power to do this. Granted, a real man would just order the military to attack and maim Congresspeople until their maximum yearly benefit was exceeded!+

Elizabeth Edwards Pwns Her Cheating Husband[edit]

What John Edwards lost out on chasing poon

While Elizabeth Edwards was dying of breast cancer, her husband had an affair with Rielle Hunter and got her pragnent. Because John Edwards is such an asshole, she disinherited him and instead left over a million dollars to her children for the lulz. [6]

Gallery of Edwards and His Magnificent Hair[edit]

Media[edit]

External links[edit]

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Featured article October 16, 2007
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