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John Solomon

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John Solomon
Ted David

John Solomon is a badass motherfucker who has created epic lulz across the Interweb by speaking truth about webcomics. Solomon is joined in his quest by Ted David, Mike Saul, and Lilith Ester; collectively known as the Elders of Zion.

Solomon is often accused of being Maddox. This is because pissed off fanboys think Maddox is the only person on the Internet who writes caustic, observational commentary of overrated shit on the Internet. Other experts agree that John is in fact, Josh Lesnick, creator of webcomics Wendy & Girly. The main difference in his critics is that the people who claim he's Josh Lesnick also want to kill him.

John Solomon's true identity is Fuego Fish from Something Awful. Thus, calling him John Salmon is fine, too. Like all goons, John is ready to white knight against anything misogynistic.

Contents

Mission Statement

Mike Saul
Lilith Ester
   
 
I'll do whatever I please and laugh in your fat, stupid faces if you complain. I am not here to dance for your amusement, you pissants. I am here to impart one singular truth: your webcomic is bad and you should feel bad.
 

 
 

—John Solomon, laying down the law.

   
 
These webcomics are terrible. By posting about them, I am warning people about how terrible they are. I am pointing out the specifics of their terribleness. I am not doing this for the creators of these webcomics, who are a bunch of ungrateful, self-absorbed cocks anyway...This is a blog where I can cuss out shitty webcomics and laugh as their fans scramble to defend them, nothing more. You can say I am someone who doesn't matter, and I'd agree with you. I'm a pseudonym. A fake name. I am "John Solomon", who until yesterday did not exist. What I do here isn't to appease you, because I say you are a fucking dickless prick. (lol wut?)
 

 
 

—John Solomon, he is Anonymous and he does not forgive.

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Reactions

The crazy motherfuckers who treat their beloved comics as sacred cows have responded predictably to Solomon's arrival; that is, they have become drama llamas.

JDR

JDR admits she sucks.
JDR threatens to kill Solomon.

Being a natural at drama whoring, JDR was quick to use Solomon's reviews as a diving board to get sympathy from her syncophants.[1] [2]

   
 
My works, all of them, may suck donkey shit through a straw. I may be a capital-K Krazy loon whose debauched and pathetic excuse for imagination is trumped only by my lack of artistic ability or the gore-smeared trainwreck I laughingly call narrative. Without question.
 

 
 

JDR,admitting Solomon was right and that she sucks.

   
 
Solomon is hiding because he is a coward who enjoys belittling other people from behind a safe veil of invisibility. His is like many sites on the internet, who mock and insult while lacking any courage to own their own words. In public, these cowards would not dare to say the same things, because they know full well that someone just might come after them, knock their yapping blocks off, or in a worst case scenario, go to their house one night and kill them.
 

 
 

JDR, threatening to kill Solomon because of his review

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Dominic Deegan

Solomon's second DD post was copy-pasta into the comic's LJ community by Anonymous, successfully setting off much lulzing.[3]

   
 
First of all, what you did here was cowardly. Only cowards write such venomous tripe in a public forum without putting their names behind it. If you're going to have the nerve to write this, you ought to have the guts to put your name with it and take the resulting heat.
 

 
 

Ladycygnet, signaling the waah-mbulance.

   
 
Way to go on a one man rant with the maturity of a twelve year old. After the fifth or so curse word people kinda just stop reading your IQ dropping hate rants. After a while it is just spam cause honestly no one cares and your basically typing things at no one.
 

 
 

Murdertrain, who is obviously "no one" since he cared enough to reply.

   
 
You're the one who's obviously alone and unloved, and I almost feel sorry for you. Go find something useful to do with your life, rather than wasting precious air spewing the remanents of your poisoned soul for all to see and be disgusted with.
 

 
 

—Jo, being oh-so-poetically emo.

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College Roomies From Hell!

Fletcher posted a link to Solomon's CRFH review in their forum, spawning lulz.[4]

Bingoboard.png
   
 
I'm really sorry I can't feel so bad about my shitty comic that I stop doing it.
 

 
 

—Maritza Campos, apologizing for her shitty webcomic.

   
 
He uses the term "circlejerk" more times than I can count. But wait, there are thousands upon thousands of people who disagree with his opinions, and far fewer who agree with them. Who's the circlejerker, then?
 

 
 

—Roadkiller, who answered his own fucking retarded question when he "dissected" Solomon's review.

   
 
I've already commented on Solomon's libelous remarks. And it is libel. I am 99% sure that he can't verify any of that unless he finds some off remark in a forum discussion and runs with it until it's twisted in something more insane than a mobius strip.
 

 
 

—Robert A. Howard, trying to get into Martiza's pants.

   
 
So where is this troll's webcomic that has lasted over 5 years?
 

 
 

—Kitty, scoring someone a point in "Stupidest Complaints Bingo".

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Halfpixel Forums

After Solomon slammed the abortion that was Titus and Mal, its creators expressed their butthurt on the Halfpixel forum, attracting other webcomic makers to join in some companionship cocksucking.[5]

   
 
He says hes all grown up but I don't believe him. Dude writes like he's 12 and has the internet in his bedroom, away from prying parental eyes.
 

 
 

—Donny, clearly confusing Solomon with himself.

   
 
My point is, references to other people and crappy art do not make a good webcomic. Neither does being unable to handle criticism.
 

 
 

—l33tn00b, telling Donny that his webcomic sucks and Solomon is right.

   
 
Showing awareness of a problem is not the same as fixing the problem.
 

 
 

—Kristofer Straub, in other words, the webcomics that Solomon says suck need to actually improve rather than just realize he's right.

   
 
So there's that bingo board, which is funny because it catalogs all the defenses that sad-sack webcartoonists who got their feewings hurt trot out. "He's not a legitimate critic, where's his webcomic, etc." And yeah, I think a lot of the webcomics he's reviewing are shit.
 

 
 

—Kristofer Straub, agreeing with Solomon.

   
 
I know he wouldn't review Starslip in a million years because it's unassailable. I'm not even saying that coyly. I'm a good writer and that's all I need to know.
 

 
 

—Kristofer Straub, begging Solomon to grant him the favor of paying attention to him.

   
 
"So apparently that blubbery pile of fat Scott Kurtz gave his toady Kris Straub a break from sucking his dick so that he could set up this shitty comic. Some people seem to think this comic's shitty writing is intelligent just because he includes sophisticated references to art criticism, and takes the time to develop his characters, and remains consistently 'funny'. Those people are idiots, because the writing is shit. The sprite 'art' is incredibly shitty, too - don't tell me it's a style, it's a shitty style, I don't like it, it's shit. Overall the comic comes off as an incredibly pretentious work of art criticism and pseudo-academic drivel. Yes, I'm sure some of Straub's retarded faggot fans will point to the fact that 'Vanderbeam' (what a shitty character) is himself largely a parody of both those things. To this I can only say, 'SHIT'. Allow me to elaborate on these bullshit points by means of hyperbole and shock humor for another 30 paragraphs or so."
 

 
 

—Blade, doing Solomon's work for him; points for effort kiddo!

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VG Cats

Fans of VG Cats tried to flood the comments section of Solomon's blog after he wrote a review about their oh-so-precious comic. But this flood amounted to only two posts. [6]

Shredded Moose

After Lilith Ester ripped Shredded Moose a new one, the traffic her review generated caused the site to exceed its bandwidth allotment and crash. When the site went back online, legion of Anonymous descended on Brew's forum, forcing him to delete everything posted that day. But even then the hordes continued, proving Brew to be the beer-addled dickless wonder Ester had pegged him as! [7]

To make it even sweeter, this all happened on 9-11. NEVAR FORGET!

   
 
Actually posting in this thread instead of deleting it shows that you want an active forum activity even if it's one that's telling you WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT THIS IS. Good lord, your comic is almost reaching 100 of nothing but "FUCK YEAH, I FUCK CHICKS AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM" and yet, hardly anyone is joining your forum and YOU are the one making all the posts and threads.
 

 
 

—EB Aum, Ebaumsworld vents their frustration at Brew.

   
 
Ooh, or one about torturing cats and dogs, and then executing them in cruel and sadistic ways! Cause according to Brew, there's nothing wrong with that. Did you have a family dog Brew? Or did it "disappear" right around the time your dad found hair and clotted blood on his power tools?
 

 
 

—Attempted, commenting on Brew's hobby of torturing small mammals

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Shortpacked!

David Willis proved that, at the least, he does not suck, by responding to Solomon without crying like a pussy.[8]

The Wotch

Like David Willis, they proved not full of shit by thanking Solomon for everything he said.[9]

And they continue to do so, even if the detractor is not in fact Solomon.[10]

HDP

In a recent powerful display of butthurtery, the creator of Hookie Dookie Panic! (or HDP), has created a blog based on the sole purpose of reviewing Solomon's reviews. Cleverly titled "Your Webcomic Review Site is Bad"[11], he attracts Solomon's long-time fans to his blog and gets pwned a number of times on every post, and since he's got no fans of his own, there's no one to defend his IMPORTANT OPINIONS ON SOMEONE'S OPINIONS.

In his blog, he can be seen claiming to be friends with Steven Hawking, insisting anyone using definitions of specific words is crafty and unfair, analyzing everyone's insults (therefore taking away the lulz), and writing up as many inane accusations per paragraph he can pump out of his anus (however shitty they may be).

Abstract Gender

After being thoroughly toasted by Ted David, the site crashed from all the traffic it received. Y HALO THAR!

Jesslyn Stormheart

Brian makes his comic an hero.

The creator of Stormheart, Brian Rich, was tipped off that Solomon was coming. In response, he preemptively took his archives offline, making them inaccessible for review. Brian thinks this means he has won. In fact, it means his crappy web comic is no longer polluting the Internet. And if Brain ever puts his comic back, Solomon will be right there to rip it to shreds. Either way, Brian, YOU FAIL IT! [12]

   
 
One reason is due to a hate blog run by a so-called John Solomon. They choose several webcomics a week to troll since they have nothing better to do with their lives. I preemptively neutered their plans to target mine by making my archives unavailable so they had to find something else to attack.
 

 
 

—Brian Rich, Solomon - 1, Brian - a big fat fucking 0.

   
 
Jesslyn Stormheart seems to think it can play dead long enough to avoid us. We are not a bear, "Brian R", we will be watching your webcomic until it so much as twitches. Save yourself the humiliation of even trying to continue your demeaning webcomic and run away. Run away!
 

 
 

—John Solomon, not a bear

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And soon after, Brian decided to permanently remove his comic from the Internet. And so another piece of fail is driven from the sight of Anonymous. Huzzah!


   
 
Jesslyn Stormheart has retired...at least for now. I took a couple of weeks off and found that I enjoy the extra time I have more than the prospects of continuing at this point. There's always a possibility that I might pick it up again in the future. Just not sure when. I'll give it some serious thought though. Thanks to everyone who followed and supported it.
 

 
 

—Brian Rich, admitting his failure

The Broken Mirror

I PLAYED HIM FINE, TOO.

SA forum drama leads to an Epic review of Elanor Cooper's Epic webcomic, which in turn leads to epic butthurt, and furpile from her fans. Cooper's fans are not only attacking Solomon in the typical fashion, but are going so far to copypastaing their incendiary assaults on to Cooper's message boards for approval, begging for verbose headpats from their sacred Leader.

   
 
This shit is just way too epic!
 

 
 

—John Solomon, epic.

   
 
NO WORTHY CRITIC STOOPS TO PERSONALS INSULTS.
 

 
 

—Tisiphone

   
 
There is good advice in the SA thread and to a lesser extent the blog review, and all of it points to problems in characterization, pacing, structure, and text. But since the goons don't give two shits if your comic gets any better or not...they're not going to lightly hand you a critique with kid gloves on. They're going to smash it in your face wearing spiky medieval gauntlets covered in shit from an ebola monkey.
 

 
 

—HPGrenade

   
 
SO much of what I said was misread or misinterpreted - and this has never happened anywhere outside SA.
 

 
 

—Elanor Cooper, "It's not me who has problems, it's you" - Innit tho'?

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One known fan of this shitty comic: Caroljoy, who made an LJ icon from it and bawwwed when it was "stolen."

Potential Meme(s)?

El's dialogue: "STAY HERE FOR A MINUTE WHILST I GO AND GET SOME ICE CREAMS." seems to have struck a chord with the YWiBaYSFB readers. A research grant into the potential of pretentious ice creams may be approved. "I PLAYED HIM FINE", although misquoted, is also popular. Addendum: Cooper has recently pitched the possibility of making t-shirts bearing these slogans to her ever-adoring forum go-ers. The idea has received a minimal but positive reception.

   
 
You know, the funny thing is, they all fixate 'stay here for a minute whilst I go and get some ice creams'...which was actually taken from, like, REAL LIFE. I had a summer job at a zoo a couple of years back, working in one of the ice cream booths, and a father said that to his family before heading over and buying aforementioned chilled treats.
 

 
 

—Elanor Cooper

   
 
Have you been to Middle England? Oxford, for example? I have. This is exactly how people talk. Even those not armed with a thesaurus.
 

 
 

—Jonathan Dalton, he knows shit about England

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Chugworth Academy

Chugworth, censored by Solomon because he has some standards.

Unfortunately, in what Lilith Ester admits was a FAIL GET, her attempt to crush Chugworth fizzled (DISREGARD THAT DAVE WAS HERE, BUT HE IS GONE NOW) the comic is still an AIDS filled addition to the Internet.


   
 
I want a fucking John Solomon review! Of course, he'd hate the comic too but at least he'd write a review I could enjoy while simultaneously weeping into a massive pillow!
 

 
 

Dave Cheung trying to avoid embarrassment

Dave Cheung has since gone on to abandon his relatively normal-but-shitty webcomics entirely, and is instead dedicating his life to drawing comics featuring naked women getting killed and custom requests for the same material.

Quotes

Solomon has produced many lulz-worthy quotes.

   
 
I won the John Solomon Award for Being John Solomon, as voted for by all my peers who are named John Solomon.

Oh, and I was given the Your Webcomic is Bad Award for Writing for This Blog.
 


 
 

—John Solomon, on achievements of John Solomon.

   
 
My last entry about Dominic Deegan made poor old Mr. Terracciano cry. Good. The sooner he learns that his attitude that you have to say nice things about his comic is bullshit, the better. The sooner he learns that his comic is one of the shittiest on the Internet, the better. Because a grown man cannot daydream through life in this manner. For God's sake, you pathetic little egocentric dickhole, grow some fucking balls and man up!
 

 
 

—John Solomon, slapping Mookie around

   
 
I'm just going to spend the rest of this sentence saying what a fucked-up, know-nothing, uncreative, fat, stupid, whiny crybaby JDR is. I'm afraid that browbeating and intimidating your own fucked-up new Age hippy family has left you with the assumption your words are scathing to someone like me. They're not, you ugly old tranny. Get back to wishing you were 14 years old again so your perverted obsession with anime wouldn't seem so pathetic.
 

 
 

—John Solomon, speaking truth on JDR

   
 
That's Robert A. Howard for you. He'll suck your dick for you. He'll simper "I wrote you a review!" in your forum...Be his friend, webcomic creators. Be his friend. Go on, be his friend. Please be his friend. You're super-cool, really. Be his friend. Please.
 

 
 

—John Solomon, on why Robert Howard is "That Kid"

   
 
Y'see, (Scott) Kurtz isn't just fat. His torso is an aggressive Texan land owner, eagerly buying up all the property between chin and groin and bulldozing it into one huge, sweeping curve. It's not that the man has no neck, he has nothing but this kind of... upside-down lightbulb shape to him. Or a bicycle horn, only instead of sucking in air he sucks in subs and bacon and grease. I know that jobs like artist and author and doorstop mean you don't move for a living, but the man must be eating on the level of a hippo. Kurtz hasn't seen his feet in years, doubtlessly, but what does it matter? His pants get pulled up by the immense gravitational pull of his gut. Hell, look closely and you'll see Kris Straub stuck there too. You wouldn't photograph a portrait of him, you'd take a landscape. The rise in sea levels is due to Kurtz taking a dip and accidentally leaving his lunch there. He applied to be the stunt double for Jabba the Hutt but he wasn't small enough. That's no moon, that's Scott Kurtz!
 

 
 

—John Solomon, on why Scot Kurtz is a fat bastard

   
 
It's about time I struck terror into the hearts of talentless hacks worldwide. They shouldn't be clamouring for me to review them, they should be praying I don't! Or do they just have absolutely no self respect? What kind of fucking loser actually wants people to know they're a literary pedophile?
 

 
 

—John Solomon, contemplating ways to be like a terrorist

   
 
Webcomic jerks of the world, quit this shit. You're not Japanese, no matter how hard you cry yourselves to sleep at night. The glorious Nippon Fairy will not visit you and grant your wish to no longer be baka gaijin roundeye.
 

 
 

—John Solomon, shattering the dreams of weeaboos

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Your Webcomic is on Hiatus and You Should Go Home

Until further notice, YWiBaYSFB is on hiatus.


   
 
Like some kind of celestial occurence, the lives of the Elders of Zion have overlapped. Out of the vast number of things we have to get done, this blog rates fairly low on the list. Let's face it, it's webcomics. Nobody gives a fuck about webcomics except the people whose lives would be meaningless without them, like Robert A. Howard.

I'm kidding, Robert A. Howard's existence is utterly meaningless anyway.

In any case, we haven't the time to spare to read bad webcomics and talk about bad webcomics and have people cry about it. So for the next undefined period of time, YWB shall not be updating. The hiatus will end when we start updating again, which could be a week or a month from now.
 


 
 

—John Solomon, Robert A. Howard is meaningless

In the meantime, some argue a noticable decrease in lulz on the interwebs has been detected.

End of Hiatus!

As of February 11th, 2008, the Hiatus is over! Some argue the amount of lulz on the interwebs has gone up since. February 11th is also the day after the Scientology protests. Coincidence? I think not! Disregard that, blog's been dead since April 2008.

ED Approved

SealED.png HEY THERE!
Hey, John Solomon! I saw what you did with Webcomics.
I just wanted to say keep up the good work.

External Links

Also See

  • Colony Drop - An example of when you try too hard and look like a fucking moron.

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