JonBenet Ramsey

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to: navigation, search
What? This article needs moar pics, internets, lulz.
You can help by adding moar pics, internets, lulz.


JonBenet was asking for it.

There once was a prostatot named JonBenet, whose parents fail at naming. However, someone, possibly from /b/, decided to terminate her career prematurely, causing much lulz, some internet drama, and resulting in some fucktard creating a 'Who killed Jon Bennett Ramsey page' which may have attracted up to 6 hits. This unfortunately didn't even make fail in terms of internet drama. At least they could have let her create and delete an LJ account first. Of course, massive amount of vids have been posted on YouTube by the emos.

JonBenet's Retirement[edit]

A TL;DR of the case

JonBenet Ramsey retired from being a prostatot in 1996 during X-Mas. She was found dead after a kidnapping note that looked exactly like Patsy Ramsey's handwriting was found next to a trashcan full of thrown away practice ransom notes on paper written on Ramsey family stationery inside the home. Her body was found in a windowless/doorless wine cellar after John Ramsey found her there searching rooms with entrances and exits for the police. The family was so distraught their little cash cow retired early that they popped Xanax like it was 1999 and called their friends to come over and clean their house. JonBenet's body was found to have a massive strike cracking the skull, a heart in pen on her palm, goo in her vagoo that according to autopsy doctors was getting tapped hard and rough regularly, marks on her neck from that kinky ass choking shit she was into, and stun gun marks all over her back that in no way were related to a video John had in his home called "How to create a mind slave using a stun gun".

Ramseys fight false accusations[edit]

Conspiracy dipshits will constantly point fingers at the family saying that they killed their daughter. These accusations are false and completely unfounded. It is completely normal to hire a lawyer and refuse to answer questions when your child is found dead. The blame game got so nasty that when the Ramsey family were taken to court, a jury bullied the Ramseys by finding them gulity of gross neglect, however luckily the D.A. assigned to the case stood up to those bullies and refused to sign the paper that would press the charges and dropped the case. Reasons why people keep saying the Ramseys did it are:

Rest assured, these are just coincidences. The real killer is out on the loose and this is the completely normal behavior of innocent victims.

Suspects[edit]

Skip to 7:17

A list of possible suspects in this case has come about, yet despite an ungodly amount of coverage, limitless resources and multiple eyes on the case no one saw anything durring Christmas in 1996 when no one really had internet to distract them and everyone was home for the holidays.

  • Bill McReynolds - Daddy Ramsey paid this guy to dress up as Santa and was in the home a few nights before the retirement. His own daughter was kidnapped in 1974 which cause his wife to write some wicked hawt fanfics about little girls getting murdered and raped in basements. However there is no way Bill could have done it. Bill loved JonBenet so much he brought a vial of glitter he gave her to his heart operation, asked that should he die, his ashes be mixed with the glitter, and talked about how much he loved her and how special she and how she made changes in him. Nope, nothing strange here.
  • John Mark Kaar - Said he did it to a journalist, but turns out he didn't and was fucking with journalist tards for the lulz. His DNA did not match the contaminated DNA samples, he was in Georgia the night JonBenet Ramsey was pwnd in Colorado, and his story of how he did it didn't match up to forensic evidence. While his confession was lulzy, he did lose all the sweet CP he had when he was arrested in Bangkok fleeing CP charges from California.

I guess the world will never know who killed JonBenet Ramsey

Daddy the ladies man[edit]

John Bennett Ramsey, not to be confused with his dead crotch fruit JonBenet Ramsey, for some reason just keeps having women disappear/die around him. Women in his life who mysteriously disappear include:

As a successful man who sold an extremely over valued website to a top defense contractor, who has had every single one of his daughters die in odd circumstances I'm sure nothing strange is going on and you should feel 100% safe around this man if you have a twat.

The Autopsy Photos[edit]

See Also[edit]

  • Madeleine McCann (Another loli murdered by her parents.)
  • Boxxmom (An overbearing whale of a Jew whose greed and lust for more monies will undoubtedly cause at least one of her children to one day be raped and murdered.)

External Links[edit]

Jonbenet ramsey author and pedo david j hughes of vermont.png
Portal icon whores.gif

JonBenet Ramsey is part of a series on

Whores

Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage.