—KamaSutra on how to make your penis bigger. Or, fall off. One of the two.
Not 4 teh obese
The Kama Sutra is an ancient sex manual that has little application in today's world, where everyone's too fat and out of shape to achieve any of its sex positions. There also aren't any disclaimers about needing protection or the prevalence of STDs. Instead, it's stuffed with pseudo-spiritual bullshit and snippets of philosophy, which are both guaranteed boner killers.
Another funny bit is that the book is designed for men with small penises. That's right. Back then (and even now), the average Indian's penis was 4.5" long (11.43cm). This is why the book likes to talk about "deeper penetration", whereas if you tried that shit today, you'd be more likely to painfully skewer her. Although, not with your tiny prick.
The Kama Sutra is most famous for the inventive, uncomfortable or downright bizarre sexual positions it illustrates. It is no surprise that godless savages from ancient India would be proponents of anything outside of procreation-only missionary position. The sections of the book that illustrate positions ought to be handled carefully. It is best to wear latex gloves while turning the pages of this filth.
Who Practices Kama Sutra?
Pretentious, slender yuppies that schedule sex into their lives on their Blackberries. After they have their forty five minutes of exotic passion, they Twitter about it while driving to the pharmacy for their Plan B pill. An overwhelming majority of the positions are about as comfortable to be in as the crab walk position, and when you're focusing on keeping your balance and holding your own weight up, you're mostly just mindlessly mashing your genitals against the other person. But these yuppies will insist that this is the most passionate expression of love they've ever had and that the orgasms and pleasure factor are phenomenal. They also say that getting a colon flush is awesome and mumble about chakras and energy crystals. These people are often a little blurry to look at because they're surrounded by a haze of bullshit.
Kama Sutra Sites
A quick Google search for some fan sites and forums dedicated to the Kama Sutra confirms every stereotype tenfold.
The delightful Kama Sutra seems to offer advice on "sexual congress" of any sort, including what to do with eunuchs, female's "middle parts" or even how to "hold the lingam in the mouth", and even "sounds that are appropriate to make when striking the body of your partner during sexual congress". Hint: It's not "Oh yeah baby, yeah, just like that". It's more like the sound Phut, the weeping sound, the thundering sound, et al.
One direct translation of KamaSutra texts has some of the following gems:
—KamaShastra Guideline To KamaSutra
Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love is a foreign movie with a misleading title. Even the synopsis on IMDb is misleading: the plot summary is "Two girlhood friends become sexual rivals at maturity." What's maturity mean, is that puberty? Is this possible lesbian loli?
The story is the typical reimagining of a Prince and the Pauper story, except it's about women so the moment their ovaries kick in, it's nothing but cattiness and bitch city. A princess and a servant girl grow up together, are the best of friends, and then they both end up bitter rivals for the same guy.
How in the fuck do two women who are the best of friends end up fighting bitterly for one man? Simple: he's rich. There might also be a male shortage in India or something - why else would they be aborting all the female infants?
When a film with the title of Kama Sutra is set to play on late, late night cable, it is hardly a stretch that you'd expect some kinky shit in the movie. Titling a movie Kama Sutra would be nothing short of false advertising if it were actually just a lame chick flick. Imagine if Shaved Pussies 3: Wet and Juicy or Anal Sluts Sexxxposed were nothing but costume-laden period pieces that were smothered with plot - and not just any plot, but the worst type of plot, a love story.
Avoid actually seeing this movie at all costs. There is more erotic content in a Magic Schoolbus episode.
How To Troll the IMDb Page
- Stories about how your god awful girlfriend got pissed when you rented this and called you a sick pervert.
- Stories about how your god awful girlfriend rented this and you got pissed at her for not being a sick pervert and getting actual porn.
- Ignorant comments about how this is about how there's too many women in India and that's why they're aborting girl fetuses, since otherwise they fuck and fight to the death to get a man.
- Copy/paste of a rave review of an actual porno as a comment. Even if it misleads a single guy into renting this shit, it's worth it.
Kama Sutra is part of a series on
Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage.