Karl Rove

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Moby Dick has left the building
Karl Rove was known as Bush's Brain. This can be attributed to the fact that W never had one in the first place.

Karl Rove (also known as Moby Dick to the Democrats and My Brain to W) is the undisputed heavyweight champion of buying and rigging elections in the USA. If you asked random Americans the question, "Who was the 43rd president of the USA?", most would tell you that George W. Bush was. This is, in fact, pure bullshit. During W's presidency, Karl Rove and his Jew business criminal friends made all of the important decisions and proposals throughout Bush's two terms and used W as their good-old-stupid-Texan-boy frontman. The reason why George W. Bush was able to steal the elections in 2001 and 2004 was due to Rove and his corporate Jew friend's massive campaign funding and political influence. When examined carefully, Karl Rove has a striking resemblance to Emperor Palpatine, or, as pointed out by Stephen Colbert, a large ham.

Origins and Rise to Power[edit]

Will the real president please stand up?

Along with other, now disgraced loyal Bushies such as Attorney-General Secret Squirrel, White House counsel Harriett Miers, and press secretary Scott McClellan, Rove was one of the infamous Texas Mafia, the driving force behind the makeover of George W. Bush from a drug-addled, drunken, draft-dodging Yale cheerleader who had totally failed trying to run a business in the private sector, into the Governor and Chief Executioner of Texas.

From there, Rove set his sights on the White House and the Presidency of the United States using skills he had learned as a small boy, obsessed with ventriloquism and puppetry.

The Texas Mafia[edit]

  • Karl Rove, senior White House adviser (August 2007)
  • Alberto Gonzales Attorney-General (August 2007)
  • Dan Bartlett White House communications director (June 2007)
  • Harriett Miers, White House counsel (January 2007)
  • Mark McClellan Medicare administrator (September 2006)
  • Scott McClellan (brother of Mark) press secretary (April 2006)
  • Pat Wood Federal Energy Regulatory Commission chairman (April 2005)
  • Rod Paige, Education Secretary (November 2004)
  • Don Evans Commerce Secretary (November 2004)

Rove's Takeover of America[edit]

While some say "FUCK BUSH", Turd Blossom Rover has already been there done that

In the mid-1990s, Rove decided that he wanted to take control of the whole American government. Not being particularly friendly, even in his human disguise as a balding white man, Rove used his knowledge of the dark arts to create a puppet of low intelligence, which he disguised as George W. Bush, Jr., and further rituals convinced Bush Sr. and the public that there had always been a Bush Jr. From there, it was simply a matter of fixing the election, which was a piece of cake for Rove. Once in control, he began to implement policies both foreign and domestic according to his whims, and for the profit of his Wall Street Jew friends. So far, ROve has led America into attacks on two foreign countries, causing eternal unrest in both of them, turning the locals into American flag-burning, suicidal towel-heads. After the clusterfuck that was W's Rove's eight-year rein in the USA, one would hope that Rove would be satisfied with 8 years of clusterfucking the whole government, the military, and the economy. Rove, being an evil Satanic Jew, was, of course, not remotely satisfied with only 8 years of it. He wanted another 8 years, and in 2012, chose another political sockpuppet, Mitt Romney, to try to win the election against the magic negro, so Rove could have another go at it and obtain more Jew Gold. Unfortunately for Rove, Romney lost the election, and now Rove has to be satisfied watching other business interests control the President, instead of himself. Until 2016, that is. Rest assured, Americans can expect to see Rove to be running another political sockpuppet in the 2016 election.

Defeating Karl Rove[edit]

See Karl's pad, where the magic happens

Some argue that Karl Rove is untouchable since he does not officially hold a government position and claims that as an "immediate adviser to the president" can't be ordered to testify or appear before Senate Committees that want presidential dirty deeds investigated.

He constantly hides behind the shield of "executive privilege" which is the power claimed by the president and the executive branch to avoid such things as search warrants and subpoenas by the Senate or Congress. (Funny story: 'executive privilege' is not mentioned in the Constitution).

Still trollin'.

Pwned[edit]

On November 7th, 2006, Karl was officially pwned when his much (self) vaunted political acumen handed control of the US Senate and House to the Democrats for the first time since 1994.

Nevertheless, Karl still had enough acumen left to know a sinking ship when he sees one and so in August 2007 he donned his rat fursuit and deserted the administration before it's totally sunk. In a statement prepared for the media he said:


   
 
I just think it's time. There's always something that can keep you here, and as much as I'd like to be here, I've got to do this for the sake of my family
 

 
 

—Karl Rove

President Bush responded with a speech of his own:


   
 
Shit! What the hell am I supposed to do now? I mean, it's not like I really know what the fuck is going on around here . How do I shot gummint!
 

 
 

—W

Karl will be missed.

Trolled IRL

Private Life[edit]

Apart from puppetry and ventriloquism, Karl Rove is an aficionado of the Rap 'sciences' and dabbles in freestyle rapping, breakdancing and cutting it up on the 1 & 2s whenever he is afforded the opportunity. When he gets the chance to "buss a rhyme" he assumes the identity of MC Rove (aka DJ Turd Blossom).

Trivia[edit]

  • Karl Rove learned his dirty tricks under the tutorship of Republican slash-and-burn master Donald Segretti.
  • Karl Rove was awarded the Purple Heart for losing an arm fighting Charlie in Danang in the spring of '72
  • Karl Rove's father had a pierced cock. 1 2
  • Karl Rove has created ads against every Democractic candidate and cause under an umbrella corporation American Crossroads GPS.
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