Kerbal Space Program

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Godspeed, Jebediah.

Kerbal Space Program is a sandbox spaceflight-simulator currently in alpha stages of development, published Last Thursday by Squad. It features a realistic physics engine and rocket science. It's also a giant pain in the ass that turns out to be 3/4 drama, 1/4 space. Navigating KSP is like trying to master parallel parking a cruise ship while blindfolded and drunk. It's like Dark Souls on ketamine. You can't do anything. Upon construction of your craft, if it doesn't explode the second you turn the throttle on, everything is still going to blow up the second you exit the atmosphere when the game has to load because it's in alpha.
You want to build a functioning rocket in under a week? Too fucking bad. You get seven and a half hours weeks minimum of things flying out of control shortly before exploding all because you didn't turn S.A.S on. S.A.S just lets you fucking steer for fucks sake. Why isn't the sauce always on? Just remember there is no dicking reason whatsoever to ever turn it off. Unfortunately, steering doesn't actually help anything. S.A.S only ensures that you can steer your craft majestically into the crater of your choice. This is due to the fact that, much like you, the rockets themselves are neither fast nor mobile enough and always weigh too much. If you can somehow build a functioning rocket (by looking up how on gamefags), if you then take your eyes off the navigation HUD for 3/5ths of a second to check your kiddie porn, you will be in a tailspin headed for certain incineration... for the four hundred and seventeenth time in a row.

KSP takes place primarily on the homeworld of Kerbin, mainly because it's damn near impossible to actually get yourself off the fucking planet.

Typical Gameplay Footage


Kerbals[edit]

A Kerbal astronaut.

Kerbals are the misshapen and confused astronaut race in this "game". They are midget, photosynthetic niggers who would all appear to have Downs syndrome, which may be why their government is so eager to spend countless millions killing them in rocket tests. Kerbals seem to live in a perpetual purgatory and appear to be immortal unless they perish in rocket explosions or are killed by alpha-bugs in which they randomly explode. Fortunately there is no shortage of either of these, and much like the jews, no one is upset when they die in record numbers. Fun little tidbit of information: These assholes are resistant to orbital re-entry, but explode if a breeze goes by.

Gameplay[edit]

One of the first major accomplishments in the game is reaching Kerbin's moon, named MUN, spelled differently because Squad didn't want to make the game too confusing. In career mode, if you some how rocket clusterfuck your way to the MUN you have to perform experiments, the majority of which involve sticking goo outside for a few seconds and claiming science was done. Much like NASA. Science can be used to purchase more unstable and unreliable rocket parts, which make your rockets explode better. This is to encourage you to visit the other planets.

Unlike NASA you do actually get to land on the MUN.

You can design, build and customize millions of unique ship designs, both based upon IRL rockets or ones of your own devising. None of them will ever work and will in all likelihood explode, because fuck you, that's why. Along with rockets you can also build 'space planes' which will also never make it into space... no one can prove that they ever do so they don't, instead they simply serve as the shittiest flight simulator ever made.

There are a variety of realistic manoeuvres which can be performed in game including:

The typical conclusion to most players' endeavours.

Taking off[edit]

  • Not happening.

Landing[edit]

  • Always seems to involve exploding.

Decoupling[edit]

  • A procedure during which you break off part of your craft mid-flight in order to save weight; resulting in flaming debris falling to the Earth and killing hundreds of innocents.

Air-braking[edit]

  • It's when the air you are moving through slows you down, it can help you fall gently back on Earth without using much fuel. It's also 89% of the reason it was so fucking hard to get up there in the first place.

Docking[edit]

  • You have to make two ships scissor each other while travelling thousands of miles an hour, hundreds of miles off the ground without blowing up. It's like Parallel Parking3 with no brakes and you always run out of fuel because you never have enough fucking fuel. You dock using small rockets known as R.C.S. rockets, which along with turning your ship can move it up, down, left or right in small controlled bursts. Docking can be summed up with the following quote:


   
 
up up UP UP! RIGHT RIGHT LEFT UP UP FORWARD UPUPUPUPUP down DOWN! DOOOOOOWN! FUCK THIS SHIT! ...I'm going to go kill a cat.
 

 
 

— typical player

Rocket Design[edit]

ಠ~ಠ
Fuckrockets to overdrive.

KSP features full design and customization of rocketships. This is the most tedious and arduous process of the game experience with a learning curve similar to a straight vertical line. Luckily, the rocket design component consists of 90% of the game experience because they never work. Basically, you need fuel to get the rocket up, but the fuel weighs too much to get off the ground, so in short, you're always fucked. If the shitty mess of a ship design platform will let you put on a second set of booster rockets without placing them horizontally facing inwards so that when they turn on they incinerate each other and explode...again, you're lucky, because you've created a rocket that will now explode in space instead of on the launchpad.

There are like five different types of engines:

Solid-Fuel Rockets[edit]

These are the rockets Kerbals use when re-enacting 9/11. They just explode no matter what. They cannot be steered or shut off and at the longest have about 12 seconds of burn time. If they propel the ship for half this time it's pure coincidence.

Liquid Fuel Rockets[edit]

Why would you use anything else? You can actually steer them and shut them off, which is useful because the central tenet of Kerbal Space Program is that you want to save every precious drop of fuel that you are constantly running out of, you grubby Jew. Much like yourself, Liquid Fuel Rockets can go for about 23 seconds before finishing.

Jet Engines[edit]

Only seem to work in when there is air, which is useful when in the vacuum of space. They produce as much thrust as a ceiling fan. They exist solely to piss the player off. if mods like ferram aerospace research are added, your jet engines pretty much become north Korean type ballistic fucking missiles, in that give you no control whatsoever and end up spiraling your jet into the sea. this can be fixed by adding wings that are at least a hundred feet wide, or equivalent to half of Gabe Newell's waistband

Ion rockets[edit]

These dinky motherfuckers barely accelerate worth shit and only work when they are actually in space. But guess what? These faggots never run out of fuel. So you have all the fuel you want, if only the other rockets were strong enough to put it in space.

Rocket Building[edit]

One of the special features of rocket design is the construction of the cockpit and workstation. You can put several kinds of housing capsules for your Kerbals to sit in during their missle flights. Most have no windows or controls, just a blank wall, so upon launching for a 5 year-long Mars expedition, the Kerbal has nothing to do but wish he weren't on the mission, and along with the player will subsequently go completely insane before the mission is accomplished. Since Kerbals live forever, most astronauts spend decades strapped to their chair, staring at blank wall unsure if they have been abandoned or not, knowing nothing but the inside of a small cannister while the beauty of the cosmos is hidden behind just a few tiny millimeters of aluminum.

The Solar System[edit]

You can go to any planet in a 1:10 scale model of the solar system although, one should not confuse this with the actual solar system, meaning that the developers can bullshit the physics as much as they want. Their names are Dres, Duna, Moho, Eve, Steve, Hitler Did Nothing Wrong, and Kerbin. If you can get to any of these planets you are the son of Christ. They decided to get rid of Saturn, Neptune and your butthole and shove them into one giant green knockoff planet called JEWel. They actually put a halfway interesting moon in orbit around it, which turns out is not as soulcrushingly boring as the rest of the goddamn game.

KSP Forums[edit]

Like many video games, KSP (Kerbal Space Program) has a large set of fans who sperg on forum boards. For KSP-Tards, this is the KSP Forums. Recently, the forums were updated in November 2015, and turned a functional forum to a one that not only looks like shit, but barely even fucking works. It is highjacked by Social Justice Warrior White Knight mods and anti-lulz forum tards, so beware!

Specific Boards[edit]

The Science Labs/Science and Spaceflight[edit]

Formerly the Science Labs, at least before the admins threw the forum down the shithole with their new update, Science and Spaceflight is a board where Social Rejects talk about such interesting topics, like how reaction wheels work, that in all seriousness, nobody else gives half shits about. Also contains shitty graph paper drawings of spacecraft that will never be built.

Fan Works[edit]

As the name implies, this is a place where works by ‘fans’ are posted (too bad you can’t post this article here, or the mods will delete it for having the word "nigger" in it). The existence of this board is a serious mystery, as KSP-tards seem to be afraid by the inevitable ‘fan’ works that KSP spawns, like the Postcards from Laythe [1], which generated massive lulz from the feminist forum members before the creator was banned, and subsequently gave up on the project.

IRC[edit]

AN IRC for KSP- loving faggots. Perfect place to troll, but few of even the most dedicated KSP-Tards will go here.

Things KSP-Tards and KSP-Forum Tards Hate[edit]

-Rule 34

-Rule 63

-Shipping [2](Also a good way to generate lulz on the Forums, like here [3])

-Putting Female Kerbals in Bikinis (It triggers them.)

- Politics (Despite this, Science and Spaceflight is infected with political discussions)

-YOU

-Your KSP head-canon (Never mind literally EVERYONE on the forums has their own)

-Fandom

-Politically Incorrect things (another trigger for these fuckers)


Mods[edit]

Let's face it, normal KSP is shit, mods are a different flavor of excretion. Some of these fuckers can actually make the game something other than complete shit. Not remotely fun, but still not COMPLETE shit.

Mods can open up whole new frontiers and capabilities in KSP.

FAR (Ferram Aerospace Research)[edit]

Pretty much forces you to make significantly more phallic rockets, and turns jet engines into ballistic missiles. The most signifigant thing this mod changes is how drag is calculated; in unmodded KSP the dick your jet sucks is calculated based mostly on weight, with this mod all the dick sucked will be from actual aerodynamic drag instead of being a fatass. Science!

Firespitter[edit]

Adds a bunch of WWII/Cold War era airplane parts. The parts are overpowered as fuck. To showcase said overage of power you can get a bomber the size of a 747 in the air at about 150-200 MPS with nothing but a 2 meter-diameter airboat engine. Yes, a fucking airboat engine.

B9 Areospace[edit]

Adds a bunch of dick-shaped airplane parts. The creator of this mod supposedly got abducted by Squad and is currently coding for a rapier engine patch in a sweatshop somewhere in Mexico.

Interstellar[edit]

If your rockets didn't explode enough already adding anti-matter and nuclear reactors to the mix sure sounds like a great idea! Also, to help keep your reactors from exploding for a millisecond more the mod adds a small yellow cooling prong, a medium white cooling prong and a giant black cooling prong.

Kethane[edit]

Lets you kill space-muslims to aquire fuel for your rockets on other planets and moons via drilling. Don't even bother trying since the rockets you build all want to recreate the Challenger explosion.

Gallery[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

Knowyourmeme-favicon.png Jebediah Kerman
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