|Powerword:||Kesha Rose Sebert|
|Aliases:||Kesha, Ke$ha, Ke卐ha, K$, K Dollar Sign, Glittertits, Dr. Dreidel, Beardmongler, Fridge-Chan|
|Born:||March 1, 1987|
|Occupation:||Singer · Songwriter · Ordained Minister · Anti-Bullying Activist|
|Crimes:||Public Indecency · Underage Drinking · Slander · B&E · Theft · Stalking · Extortion · Ivory Smuggling · Feeding the Bears|
|Diseases:||GOTIS · Obesity · STDs|
|Genre:||Pop Music · Rock Music · Rap Music · Rape Music|
|Rating:||0/10 Would Not Bang|
Ke$ha (pronounced: kesh-it) is a pleasantly plump 31-year-old Americunt singer, songwriter and white rapper who is known for her numerous chart-topping hits, frequent abuse of Auto-Tune, getting her own short-lived reality television show on MTV and for being a leading human and animal rights activist who claims to possess a haunted vagina and is obsessed with glitter, beards, serial killers and collecting human body parts. Oh, and did we mention that she's recently accused her producer of pulling a Cosby on her a decade ago?
Meet Kesha Rose Sebert, a highly intelligent and completely respectable young woman who dropped out of school at the age of 18 to pursue her dream of singing songs that glorify sex and alcoholism and become a role model for today's youth. Unfortunately, this rise to fame came at the heavy, heavy price of signing a record contract that she later regretted signing. Instead of taking a hint from Prince (whose house she just happened to break into once) and writing the word "slave" on her face during her concerts, Ke$ha decided to play the woman card and falsely accuse her producer of committing the heinous crime of rape – She then proceeded to SUE FUCKING EVERYONE in a futile attempt to get out of a multi-million dollar contract that just didn't have enough millions in it for her.
While the parties involved in the legal drama were always well aware of the fact that Ke$ha is full of shit – Ke$hit's mentally deficient teenage fans, who refer to themselves as "animals", naively chose to believe that she is a victim of America's non-existent "rape culture" and that due process and the entire American justice system are merely tools that are used by the big, bad patriarchy for the sole purpose of oppressing teh wimminz.
It was this sheer idiocy that led to the creation of one of the most inane social justice shitstorms since the rise of GamerGate and Anti-GamerGate – A so-called "movement" known as #FreeKesha or #SaveKesha or #FreeKeshaLuke or some stupid shit like that. We honestly don't know what the movement is called at this point because the cunts behind it use up hashtags faster than Adam Lanza can clear out a classroom.
Despite their claims that they stand for women's rights and equality, members of the #FreeKesha movement often exhibit violent behaviour and have a tendency to spout misogynistic and homophobic slurs at people they disagree with. Some of the finer examples of the movement's humanitarian work include bullying a 16-year-old sexual abuse victim and her father to the point of crying, constantly harassing and threatening the rather hawt man that Ke$ha falsely accused of rape, making death and rape threats against a female judge and vandalizing Wikipedia.
- 1 Meet the Seberts
- 2 Becoming the Music Industry's Bitch
- 3 Dear Daddy, GTFO
- 4 Di3 L3g10n 0f n00dz
- 5 Perez Hilton: Unmatchmaker
- 6 Ke$ha Gear $olid 3: Beard Eater
- 7 Going Gein for Earth Day
- 8 Die Young at Sandy Hook Elementary
- 9 Breaking Beard
- 10 I Am Whorier
- 11 My Crazy Beautiful Reality Show
- 12 Kesha Blows by Charles Albert
- 13 Would You Please Sign My Petition?
- 14 The #FreeKesha Bowel Movement
- 15 The Making of a Celebrity Fridge-Wreck
- 16 BUT WAIT, THERE'S MOAR!
- 17 Gallery
- 18 Videos
- 19 See Also
- 20 External Links
Meet the Seberts
Rosemary Patricia Sebert, nicknamed Pebe (pronounced: pee-bee), was just your typical drug-addicted, alcoholic, single mum – She had had a brief stint writing shitty songs for moderately-famous singers back in the early 80s, but other than that she was a complete failure at life who was constantly drifting in and out of homelessness along with her young son, Lagan Blue Sebert.
In 1986, desperate to take away more of the taxpayers' hard earned money, Pebe decided that she would produce yet another horrid offspring that she could use to collect moar money from the big, bad Government. Unfortunately, Pebe was scared of the prospect of going to a sperm bank because she knew that would cost money and she was scared that she may contract even more AIDS – Pebe then did the reasonable thing and started fucking all of her male acquaintances at a discount until she finally managed to get knocked up again.
On March 1, 1987, Kesha Rose Sebert (whose name is derived from the Hebrew term "Kash Kow") suddenly fell out of Pebe's diseased centipede nest while she was attending a party. From an early age, Kesha was forced by her mum to dress like a cheap hooker, sing terrible music and to be able to act – All because Pebe wanted to turn her failed abortion into a money-making opportunity that could give her the extravagant life that she had always dreamed of having.
On May 1, 1991, Kesha had her debut film appearance in F.A.R.T. the Movie, a shitty B movie that's basically just 91 minutes of boring, unfunny fart jokes. In the film, a blindfolded old woman is asked to identify a person based on the scent of their flatulence and ends up erroneously identifying 4-year-old Kesha as being a "very virile man". Srsly.
By the early 2000s, Kesha was, by all accounts, a perfectly normal American teenager – Overweight, bisexual and a vegan. Unfortunately, Pebe's intentions to use her daughter as a human sacrifice to the entertainment industry steadfastly remained, and in 2004, Pebe chose to answer an advertisement seeking an "eccentric" family to appear in season 3 of Fox's The Simple Life – A made-for-TV documentary series that starred Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie as a pair of down-on-their-luck prostitutes (i.e. themselves if they didn't have any money).
The episode featured Paris and Nicole staying at the Seberts' already shitty home while they planned a wedding. Notable events from the episode include 6-year-old Louie Sebert calling Paris and Nicole "bitches" and Paris, Nicole and Kesha attempting to find Pebe a man with low enough standards to be willing to date her.
In the end, the terrible trio decide on a man named Randy and bring him to Pebe – Which hilariously results in what appears to be Louie's first time seeing a nigger.
—6-year-old Louie Sebert, on Paris and Nicole's impending arrival
Becoming the Music Industry's Bitch
Enter Dr. Luke✡ (Powerword: Łukasz Sebastian Gottwald), the protégé of legendary music producer Max Martin and a man who would eventually go on to write more shitty #1 pop hits than any other music producer in the history of ever.
Dr. Luke and Max Martin had heard Kesha's demo (which Pebe had been sending to pretty much everyone in the music industry for years) and they believed that, with some help, she could make a potentially decent pop-star. While the Seberts were Netflix and chillin' with Paris and Nicole, Dr. Luke decided to phone the Sebert residence and talk to young Kesha in an attempt to spread her cancerous voice across the world – Fortunately, Nicole Richie ended up answering the phone and then promptly hung up on him like a total bitch.
Unfortunately, Luke was persistent and decided to call back later. Kesha was eventually convinced by Luke (and probably by Pebe hooking her nipples up to a car battery) that it would be a good idea to drop out of school and pursue a career as a singer. It was at this time that Kesha signed a six album contract Dr. Luke and his production company, Kemosabe Records, and began living the glamourous life of a pop-star by attending Nicky Hilton's 22nd birthday party where she had a wonderful time and definitely wasn't drugged or raped.
At this point in time, Dr. Luke was preoccupied with furthering the careers of far more talented pop-stars such as Britney Spears, Katy Perry, Pink, Moonman, Avril Lavigne, Miley Cyrus and Kelly Clarkson – This led to him ignoring young Kesha and putting her career on the back burner, something that she was clearly not pleased about.
Eventually, one of Dr. Luke's acquaintances made the terrible mistake of introducing Kesha to David Alan Sonenberg✡, founder of the music management company DAS Communications (DAS being his initials, if you weren't paying attention) and producer of the Academy Award winning film When We Were Kings. Sonenberg had long been involved in a Jewfight with Dr. Luke and, wanting to meddle in the good doctor's affairs, offered to take a look at Kesha's contract for her.
—David Alan Sonenberg, being a Jew
After being convinced by Sonenberg that her contract with Luke was void and feeling neglected by Dr. Luke, young Kesha decided that she would attempt to find a better-paying career in the music industry by hiring DAS Communications to get her a contract with a major record-label within a year – Something that was complicated by the fact that Luke's contract with her wasn't actually void.
Needing to find a way out of her contract with Dr. Luke, someone (probably Pebe or Sonenberg) eventually came up with the brilliant of making up a story about Luke drugging and raping Kesha at Nicky Hilton's 22nd birthday party. Realizing that she still needed a way to support her mum's meth addiction in the meantime, Kesha then began working at a bar – Unfortunately, they promptly fired her arse when they discovered that she wasn't 21 and had been stealing IDs from young, blonde customers to add to her ever-growing "collection" of fake IDs.
—Ke$ha, on being fired from her job
After being fired from her job as a bartender and identity thief, Kesha then took a part-time job as a waitress at a shitty local restaurant, eventually earning and flaunting the title of Worst Waitress in L.A.. Fueled by alcohol and finally rolling in the massive amount of bitches and dough that come with holding a minimum wage job, Kesha decided to change her name to Ke$ha and began dressing and acting like a spoiled, histrionic, 16-year-old ghetto slut.
Despite the fact that she was accusing Luke of rape during this time, that still didn't stop Ke$ha from working with him by singing back-up for a song entitled Nothing in This World on Paris Hilton's debut album. Even more embarrassingly, the only work that DAS Communications was able to find for Ke$ha was singing a shitty song for The Barbie Diaries, a CG-animated abortion featuring everyone's favourite doll. Ke$ha then did what any self-respecting 18-year-old woman would do and decided to go back to working with the man that she had accused of raping her.
After reaching an agreement with Luke, her six album contract was now reduced to five albums and Luke had to buy her a fucking Gold Trans Am. By 2008, Ke$ha was finally ready to get back to living the glamourous life of a pop-star by singing uncredited guest vocals on rapper Flo Rida's cover of Right Round, the wildly popular Meatspin theme song.
Ke$ha had finally gotten her big break and found fame by singing the lyrics to a song that was made famous by a notorious shock site – The future began to look bright for young Ke$ha as she joined MySpace and began acting like the fact that she sang backup in a shitty rap song (that blatantly ripped off a song from the 1980s) made her hot shit.
Now that people were beginning to hear her voice, it was only natural that the next step would be producing her very first album (something that she was contractually obligated to have done by February 26, 2006). Finally, in August of 2009, Ke$ha's very first single was released – An ear-rapingly bad techno rap that tells the story of Ke$ha being a drunken cooze and bringing shame to her family. Behold the cancer that is TiK ToK.
On January 1, 2010, Ke$ha finally released Animal – Her debut studio album. Unfortunately, Animal was a resounding success and led to Ke$ha attaining a cult-following of edgy teenagers who began referring to themselves as "Animals".
After Ke$ha's success, a severely butthurt David Sonenberg and DAS Communications decided to file a $14,000,000 lawsuit against Ke$ha and Dr. Luke for breach of contract and tortious interference – Ironic, considering the fact that it was David Sonenberg himself who literally started this whole mess by interfering with Ke$ha's original contract.
Dear Daddy, GTFO
In early 2011, a musician and professional Bruce Vilanch lookalike named Bob Chamberlain contacted the highly reliable news source known as Star Magazine and informed them that he was Ke$ha's father and had been in contact with her for years until she mysteriously broke off all contact with him at the age of 19 after he had helped her and her family move to Los Angeles.
Normally, we'd take anything written in one of Rupert Murdoch's shitty trash tabloids with a tablespoon of salt – But in this case, they actually published evidence that included photos of Bob with Ke$ha and Pebe and pictures of a Father's Day card that Ke$ha had given him. It's clear that, at the very least, Pebe convinced Bob that he is Ke$ha's biological father – Whether he really is, however, is best left as the subject of a Maury episode.
Pebe clearly believed that it would be better for her daughter's public image if she were the fatherless bastard child of a withered whore and a mysterious stranger – And like a true parasitic bitch, Pebe chose to have Bob help her family move to LA before giving him the finger and convincing her children to deny that he ever existed.
And they would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling Father's Day letters that Ke$ha wrote when she was a kid!
—Ke$ha's letter to daddy
Di3 L3g10n 0f n00dz
Around 2009, music industry executives were beginning to take to notice of a significant increase in the amount of songs being prematurely leaked onto the internets. The reason for this increase in leaked music was a 17-year-old, Turkish, über 133t h4xx0r living in Duisburg, Germany, by the name of DJ Stolen (a.k.a. Deniz A.) who had originally been attempting to hack into Lady Gaga's computer by sending out a phishing email with an attached trojan horse but, when he was unsuccessful in this endeavor, settled on hacking D-list poptarts like Ke$ha and Kelly Clarkson instead. Once he gained access to the singers' computers, DJ Stolen would DOWNLOAD FUCKING EVERYTHING and then post the stolen songs on the internets.
Eventually, DJ Stolen's activity on a forum called rmx4u led to him being contacted by a 22-year-old hacker named Cee (a.k.a. Christian M.), a fedora-wearing faggot from Wesel, Germany, who had actually managed to hack Lady Gaga's computer after taking Informatik III. Together, the two hackers then decided to start a website called iLeaks where they would leak snippets of unreleased tracks and then ask people to pay to download the full tracks – Which was made even more hilarious by the fact that some of the songs were priced at $2000 and there were actually some people who were stupid enough to pay that much for them.
When the fuzz finally caught up with Deniz they found nearly $17,000 in his PayPal account from idiots who payed him big bucks for shitty 3-minute-long MP3s. The real treasure that Deniz had obtained during his escapades, however, wasn't music at all – It was the images that were stored on Ke$ha's computer, images that included numerous n00dz and photos of her boob job.
Wanting even moar attention, DJ Stolen then sent an email to her private email address in which he politely asked her to give him a shoutout if she wanted to keep her n00dz off the internets. After Ke$ha ignored him, DJ Stoled decided to prove that he was serious by leaking a picture of Ke$ha covered in cum. Now realizing that DJ Stolen was serious, Ke$ha sent him the following response in an attempt to keep the internet safe from more unsavoury images.
—Ke$ha attempts damage control
Ke$ha ultimately did give DJ Stolen the shoutout that he asked for, but a week later some more of Ke$ha's n00dz were leaked on a blog called Shirt Talkers. Oops! In an attempt to avenge Ke$ha's honour, yet another hacker then decided to join the party by hacking DJ Stolen's computer and then leaking his dox.
It was at this point that the German authorities finally made their move and stepped in to arrest Deniz and Christian. Because the young men apologized to Lady Gaga and were suffering from internet addiction, the court decided to be lenient and only sentenced them to 18 months in a German arserape dungeon followed by proper treatment for their autism.
Perez Hilton: Unmatchmaker
Since her debut and the release of Animal, Ke$ha was a preferred target of celebrity blogger and professional homosexualist spic Perez Hilton. In March, 2010, Hilton was responsible for trending the hashtag after it was learned that Ke$ha had insulted the far more talented Britney Spears in her leaked song Styrofoam.
Perez Hilton's attention to Ke$ha had since dwindled, but it was reignited when DJ Stolen leaked the first of Ke$ha's n00dz (possibly even sending it directly to Hilton himself).
Eventually, in December of 2010, Perez stumbled upon the Shirt Lifters blog where the second batch of Ke$ha's n00dz had been leaked. He then did what any classy, self-respecting celebrity blogger would do and posted them on his blog for everyone to see.
Enter Harold Karsenty, the general manager at a Hollywood nightclub called Winston's and Ke$ha's ex boyfriend (they had already broken up sometime between July and September of 2010). Harold and Ke$ha had met sometime in 2007, most likely around the time that she was stealing IDs from the patrons of the bar that she worked at. As a strapping, young, bearded French man, Harold had long been a hit with the ladies – Including Britney Spears, who was hilariously b& from Winston's for her repeated antics and sexual harassment of the barmaids.
—An insider tells us about Britney Spears' drama.
The leaked photos from Shirt Talkers featured Ke$ha and Harold kissing each other on both the mouth and the twat. Strangely, Ke$ha decided to lay blame on Perez for her breakup with Harold – Despite the fact that they broke up before Perez released the second batch of n00dz.
—Ke$ha, blaming Perez for the existence of her own n00dz
Several years later, Perez managed to get his hands on a picture of Ke$ha munching on some nuts that may explain the real reason for her breakup with Harold – She most likely cheated on him while she was on tour in New Jersey in early 2010.
The time stamp on the image suggests that the photo was taken on May 3, 2010, a day after Ke$ha played at the Bamboozle Rock Festival in New Jersey. Photos from the festival show that Ke$ha's makeup at the time was very similar to the makeup seen on the mystery sacksucker. Other photos from the festival show that Ke$ha was wearing sunglasses most of the time that she was there – Now notice how the sacksucker has a noticeable line across her nose that suggests she was recently wearing glasses.
Others have pointed out that the mystery sacksucker doesn't have a nosering – But we suspect that Ke$ha removed it so she didn't get it caught on the pencil-dick she was preparing to suck. Notice that there does appear to be a possible piercing in the sacksucker's nose, right where Ke$ha's piercing is.
Ke$ha Gear $olid 3: Beard Eater
Ke$ha did not react well to being dumped by Harold and quickly began a downward spiral of desperation and batshit insanity that included stalking Harold and his new girlfriend and writing several songs about him in a last ditch attempt to mend the only meaningful relationship that she had ever had in her sad, pathetic life.
On November 19, 2010, Ke$ha released Cannibal, her first extended play. Among the songs on it was The Harold Song, a song that was most likely written about Harold, where Ke$ha laments over having destroyed their relationship. The song was a not-so-surreptitious attempt to beg Harold into taking her back, but in the end it didn't work – Harold never took Ke$ha back and he eventually went on to marry a lawyer named Madison Paige Hamile in 2014.
After realizing that Harold wouldn't take her slutty arse back, Ke$ha's already bizarre and disturbing behaviour escalated. In late 2011, she started a blog titled Put Your Beard In My Mouth (subtitled "That's An Order."), a Tumblr that's devoted to the worship of bearded men and contains many, many images of Ke$ha herself sucking on men's beards for some ungodly reason. Ke$ha was clearly unable to handle losing the love of her life and his facial hair.
Going Gein for Earth Day
From a young age, Ke$ha was taught by her bleeding heart liberal mum that animals are important and humans are disposable trash who exist solely for the amusement of the mighty. As expected, this indoctrination caused Ke$ha to suffer permanent and irreversible brain damage that led her to become a vegan, join PETA and adopt more animals than Elmyra Duff.
In early 2011, Ke$ha decided that she should take up a new hobby – Collecting her fans' body parts and using them to make earrings, necklaces and brassieres.
The fact that Ke$ha is an animal rights activist is made even funnier when you realize that she's been polluting the world with glitter for years. The following expert advice from a Yahoo Answers contributor explains the proper course of action if your cat eats glitter.
—Brandon, on what to do if your cat eats glitter
On April 14, 2011, Ke$ha appeared in a PETA ad campaign against Canadian seal clubbing.
In 2012, Ke$ha was stopped by the Department of Homeland Security at LAX after she returned from a performance in Japan when it was discovered that she was attempting to smuggle a $500 ivory snuff bottle into the U.S.
Die Young at Sandy Hook Elementary
At some point during her career, Ke$ha was inducted into the ranks of an all-powerful Jewish cabal that controls fucking everything and has an unhealthy obsession with triangles and eyes and triangles with eyes. Founded in Bavaria on May 1, 1776, by a gentleman named Adam Weishaupt, the Illuminati have proudly provided conspiracy theorists with original content for at least 100 years. Ke$ha quickly rose through the ranks and, after multiple PRRROMOTIONS eventually achieved the title of Prima Illuminata (Latin for "pretty cool guy").
—Ke$ha admits to being the Prima Illuminata
On September 25, 2012, Ke$ha released a single entitled Die Young – A song that glamourizes the Madeleine McCann lifestyle of partying hard one day and being brutally murdered by your abusive mummy and paedophile daddy the next. The music video for Die Young contained a myriad of Illuminati and Satanic symbolism.
Some argued that Die Young was actually an Illuminati mind control technique – A suspicion that was confirmed several months after its release when Ke$ha tweeted in an attempt to distance herself from the Illuminati and voiced her desire to sacrifice children to Satan.
Soon after that, a young man by the name of Adam Lanza, widely believed to have been Ke$ha's #1 fan, would go on to develop an obsession with Die Young and its disturbingly nihilistic message that life is short and should be used as an opportunity to go for the high score. A few months later Adam Lanza would equip his trusty Bushmaster, shoot his mum in the face and embark on a spiritual journey to cleanse Sandy Hook Elementary of prepubescent scum.
It wasn't long after Adam embarked on his holy and righteous genocide crusade and became a martyr that various respectable news outlets began to realize that, when Die Young is played backwards, Ke$ha actually says "Sandy Hook" a total of 6 times! OMG!!!11 Did Ke$ha know about Sandy Hook before it even happened!?!11 Did Ke$ha's music drive an innocent young man to murder 26 people!?!11
Needing to distance herself from the Illuminati's child-sacrifice ritual, Ke$ha then decided that she would accuse Dr. Luke of writing Die Young and then "forcing" her to sing it – Problem solved!
Hahaha, just kidding! She actually backtracked because she remembered that her own autobiography contained proof that she had actually written the lyrics herself.
At some point, Ke$ha began secretly dating Darren Craig, the unwashed director of several of her music videos including the video for Die Young. Darren, a fat, middle aged, divorced father was supposedly the last person you'd expect to see Ke$ha dating – but he had a cunting beard and the mere thought of that got Ke$ha wet and horny. Their secret relationship continued for over a year but, like all of Ke$ha's relationships, it eventually fell apart.
I Am Whorier
My Crazy Beautiful Reality Show
On April 23, 2013, MTV began airing Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life, a reality television series that revolved around the Seberts' daily life. The show had the astoundingly high production quality that one would expect from the network that brought us such beloved classics as Jackass, Beavis and Butt-head and The Brothers Grunt – Not surprising when you realize that the show consisted entirely of Lagan Sebert's crappy home video footage of his sister's assorted antics and criminal behaviour over the previous two years.
Some of the show's numerous memorable and heartwarming moments include Ke$ha drinking her own urine, having her concert protested by the fine members of Westboro Baptist Church and traveling to the faraway land of Alaska to track down a potential mate – A man who is known as "Bear Man" (Powerword: Casey Anderson) and his pet bear (Powerword: Brutus the Bear).
Kesha Blows by Charles Albert
Having found fame, Ke$ha began working with designer Charles Albert to create the Kesha Rose by Charles Albert collection – A line of hilariously overpriced "designer jewellery" that was designed to embody everything that makes Ke$ha She R Who She R.
The big question that was floating over everyone's heads now – What exactly would one include in a jewellery line that's designed to embody a fugly, cock-hungry Illuminata who believes her vagina to be haunted and has an unhealthy obsession with glitter? That question would be answered in the week leading up to the line's release date as Ke$ha began posting a series of countdown images.
That's right – Part of her jewellery line was based on cocks and many of the items sold out almost immediately. Other pieces from the collection included skulls, Illuminati symbolism, fossils, roses and recreations of one of her fans' teeth that had been given to her as a gift.
Would You Please Sign My Petition?
Having finally tasted the fame that comes with appearing on MTV and having your own phallic jewellery line, Ke$ha began to realize that she could be making a lot more money than she was getting out of the shitty record contract that she signed with Dr. Luke before she was famous. Ke$ha then began using her reality show as a soapbox to voice her complaints about how Dr. Luke was stifling her creativity and how she felt like a puppet with Dr. Luke's greedy Jewish hands stuffed up her fat fucking arse.
Shortly after Ke$ha began her whining, a petition entitled Let Ke$ha have creative freedom was started on Care2 – A liberal slacktivist hellhole that has a notorious reputation for taking credit for things that aren't actually the result of the shitty petitions on their shitty site.
The creator of the petition, one Rebecca Pimmel, provided the following tl;dr explanation for her petition.
So who exactly is Rebecca Pimmel and why does she sound like she possesses insider knowledge about the contract dispute and about Ke$ha's career? Not surprisingly, it turned out that none of the supposed "journalists" who had covered Ke$ha's story had ever actually attempted to verify the identity of this "Rebecca Pimmel" – So we were forced to do some serious original research to get to the bottom of this mystery.
Let's begin by reviewing.
—Rebecca Pimmel's Twitter bio
Wait, why is a 46-year-old Mum I'd Never Fuck who looks closer to 70 starting such a detailed petition about a pop-star whose prime demographic is gay Hispanic teenagers? Unfortunately for Rebecca, we decided to use The Google just as she herself had suggested, and what we found out was shocking – REBECCA PIMMEL DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST OMGWTFBBQ!!111
Armed with this new information, an Encyclopædia Dramatica investigative reporter decided to confront the Twitterverse with this evidence and the theory that "Rebecca Pimmel" is actually be a sockpuppet belonging to either Ke$ha or Pebe Sebert. It didn't take long before "Rebecca Pimmel" herself took notice and kindly offered us the following response.
—Rebecca Germancock, responding to our inquiry
This, however, makes absolutely no sense since it implies that Austin made up an entire fake identity and then immediately posted the petition on Twitter using his real identity. Rebecca and Austin then proceeded to ignore repeated requests to provide evidence of the assertion that they're the same person – Nice try!
—Austin Dean, putting Rebecca's name in quotes and referring to her as "HER"
The #FreeKesha Bowel Movement
On March 29, 2013, a young Ke$ha fan named Austin Ryan Dean leaked one of Ke$ha's unreleased songs onto his SoundCloud account – A song that Austin, who is clearly not h4xx0r material, surely received from an individual who was personally involved in the process of making the song.
The song, Dancing With the Devil, would go on to become one of the Animals' biggest pieces of "evidence" against Dr. Luke – Solely because they personally interpret the lyrics of the song as being about Luke abusing Ke$ha.
A few days after the Care2 petition was posted, an account named FreeKeshaLuke, owned by a faggot named Mike Eisele (a.k.a. Michael Anthony and mikeisstraight) joined Twitter and began offering to leak more of Ke$ha's unreleased songs for each milestone that the petition hit. It was at this point that fans began spamming the petition with signatures because OMG FREE MUSIC!!111
—Mike Eisele, thinking that Ke$ha has talent
On September 29, 2013, it became perfectly clear that the shit was hitting the fan when the director of Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life, a midget stoner named Steven Greenstreet, tweeted several photos of the crowd at Ke$ha's latest concert – The images showed numerous fans holding signs that said things like "Fuck Dr. Luke".
As Ke$ha's accusations against Dr. Luke kept becoming more and more bizarre, her fans and a ragtag assortment of white knights began the hashtag and so-called "movement" known as (pronounced: freak-show)
The #FreeKesha hashtag was originally created after the 2013 MTV Movie Awards when rumours started circulating that Ke$ha and Snoop Dogg were arrested after blazin' it on stage but was soon re-purposed to "help" Ke$ha get out of her contract with Kemosabe Records and to act as a Personal Army to the almighty Queen Ke$ha.
Much like the supporters of Black Lives Matter, #FreeKesha supporters believe that they're actually helping to make the world a better place by sitting behind their keyboard all day long and making the same stupid Tweets over and over again.
—Ke$ha, telling Rolling Stone that she lacks creative control
The Making of a Celebrity Fridge-Wreck
By early 2014, Ke$ha had become enough of a celebrity train wreck that she was finally accepted into Timberline Knolls – An exclusive, women-only, rehab facility and country club in Lemont, Illinois. She used this opportunity to her advantage and began telling the doctors that Dr. Luke was an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive monster who had been holding her captive for years. She also began writing a series of letters to her fans where she claimed that her bulimia was triggered by Dr. Luke calling her a "Fat Fucking Refrigerator" during the Die Young music video shoot in 2012.
—Molly, explaining that name-calling doesn't fucking cause bulimia
Even if Dr. Luke had called her a "Fat Fucking Refrigerator" as she claims, the following image of Ke$ha's appearance in the Die Young music video should leave no doubt that it was said sarcastically.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MOAR!
Much like how Harry Potter refused to die after seven fucking books and a shitload of horrible fan fiction – The story of Ke$ha refused to end with just one page worth of lulz on Encyclopædia Dramatica. You can read the next chapter of the Ke$ha $aga at Kesha/Lawsuit or by clicking on the overused meme below.
- White trash
- Personal Army
- Prove me wrong - The mantra of Ke$ha supporters.
- Zoe Quinn - Another rainbow-haired whore.
- Emma Sulkowicz
- Jackie Coakley
- Bill Cosby
- Robot Unicorn Attack - Ke$ha: The Video Game
- Shit was so Ke$h
- Cool story sis - All of the fairytales in her lawsuit.
- Maggie Lindemann
- The Huffington Post. - Ke$ha's brother and an "investigator" for
- fart raped him. - Ask him about the time that Ke$ha
- - Ke$ha's ex that she most likely cheated on.
- - The woman who helped deliver this failed abortion into the world.
News & Info
- Search New York Court Documents - For all of you legal eagles who want to see the actual transcripts and exhibits.
- How to Be a Fat Slag - Learn how to be like Ke$ha from the fine folks over at WikiHow.
- Ke$ha: The Manga
—darkerpath, learning the way of the faggot
Kesha is part of a series on
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