Kevin Provance

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Kevin Provance
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Serial axe-murderer or just mis-understood molester?

Kevin Provance, aka C. Kevin Provance, aka Casey Ravencop is a 40-something year old divorcee who lives out his life as a poster child for deranged trolls everywhere. Living happily in his mother's basement in Bradenton, Florida, Kevin works hard on a daily basis to become the ultimate troll. His mission is one of world domination, and ultimately claiming his title as the overlord of the internets. At one point of his 1337 tr0ll0rZ career, he befriended Bill9929, took advantage of the kid hoping he could aid their shared goal of taking down ED, and ultimately nothing happened.

Interests[edit]

om nom nom

Kevin's various websites list his interests as chess, programming, writing, drawing, empathy, and understanding. He also has an underage son, Spencer, whom he maintains a mild interest in seeing when his estranged wife is insane enough to let him visit(though only while strictly supervised). Kevin also enjoys declaring anyone who disagrees with him to be insane, a Nazi, deranged, stalking him, or trolling. Kevin is also an enormous fan of Star Trek, and in his spare time he wonders why he can't seem get women to like him - particularly "Brooke", the pretend waitress he brags about on the internet. And finally, Kevin enjoys making fun of the victims of psychopathic murderers, such as those killed by George Sodini.


   
 
"NO!" He spat. "JOHNNY LOOOOVED THE NIGGERS. NIGGER LOVER. GODDAM NIGGER LOVER!"
 

 
 

—A typical line from any of Kevin's short stories collection.

Midlife Crisis[edit]

After divorcing his first wife, giving her half of everything, and letting her keep the mattress to their marital bed which (in his own words) was now soaked with the cum-stains of another man, Kevin went straight to the local car dealership and bought himself a silver Corvette Convertible. He felt this complemented his other choice in car - a 1981 Delorean with the license plate "DMC XP". After purchasing "The Vette", CK then went to the local health clinic to get tested for all the venereal diseases his wife's many boyfriends had.

Portrait of a Troll[edit]

Kevin and his GAT

Poor C. Kevin Provance evidently had a difficult childhood, if his whiny bitch blog is anything to go by. He laments being picked on as a young boy, and blames it all on refusing to buckle to peer pressure which is why he never did drugs, alcohol, or kissed a girl.

Reading virtually any random page on Kevin's blog is a tangled mass of drama on every subject imaginable, yet strangely no mention of his regular visits to a psychotherapist. His life consists of responding to emails, Googling dirt on anyone who challenges him, abusing his son when the social worker goes outside for a cigarette, and screaming about how his favourite language, Visual Basic 6, is being illegally and dishonestly scrapped by Microsoft. Here are a few of Kevin's eloquent quotes:

   
 
I have a gun now...so have him take his chances where he may there
 

 
 

—Kevin, letting the world know what a responsible father he is

   
 
Spencer and I are very close. All we have to do is smile at each other and it's okay...
 

 
 

—Kevin, kissing his son goodnight. Where's Pedobear when you need him?

   
 
You've made your decision. You've decided to be the Evil Bastard's doormat instead of being a partner with someone who truly loved you...
 

 
 

—Butthurt when his latest woman left him for someone. A bit like his previous girlfriend. And his wife before that. And his girlfriend before her. Totally all their fault though.

   
 
I just read a reproduction of George Sodini's web log, that pinhead who shot up the gym club PA. Do you know what he did for a living? He was a .NET developer (no joke). Now we know the real reason he was "severely depressed"
 

 
 

—Kevin expressing the reason why "his" programming language, VB6, is so much better than the one that replaced it, VB.NET

   
 
There is nothing more pathetic that people using the death of some innocent little girl to take shots at other people with.
 

 
 

—From Kevin's personal blog, indicating just what a perfectly consistent moralfag he is

   
 
Very sexy. I often wonder just how old she is. She looks young, maybe too young. That would be a disappointment.
 

 
 

—Kevin, stalking a jailbait waitress. Again.

   
 
And people wonder why I sleep with multiple guns scattered strategically throughout my abode
 

 
 

—Mentally unstable, depressed, and a multiple gun owner. What could go wrong?

   
 
I'll be your friend, but nothing more....as I am old. ;-) How about this, I'll be your internet friend. :-)
 

 
 

—Kevin giving warm fuzzies to Ashley Salazar on her Facebook page.

   
 
Selfish dog owners are no better than the piles their mangy mutts leave behind. I chase them both off my lawn with a shotgun.
 

 
 

— Kevin, obsessing on canine scatology.

   
 
Again, my lawyer is Nicholas Sardelis at Sardelis and Bowles. Google it and contact him yourself. I'm calling your bluff idiot, as I have nothing to hide or worry about.
 

 
 

—Mr. Sardelis represented Kevin in his epic failed divorce case; there's your sign.

   
 
I love me some [adult swim], and c'mon, let's be honest...L­oony Toones, especially that roadrunner and coyote cashed in on exaggerate­d violence. I grew up with those cartoons and I'm not some violent reckless person.
 

 
 

—Perhaps now would be time for a rebuttal from Kevin's ex, a victim of domestic violence.

   
 
And I'm not sure where you get your news, but I don't use phony accounts. I

say what I say using my real name...
 


 
 

—Let's see... Nevik Rapvonek,Viken Cerpovna (both anagrams of Kevin Provance), Casey Ravencop, Tad Ingram, et.al.

   
 
I think about my relationship with God, and Jesus. I feel a lot of guilt for not talking to them for so long...
 

 
 

—Kevin, an avowed atheist, flip-flopping on the Lord. He must have a strong desire to lick Satan's anus.

   
 
Here is what you do. Move to a neighborho­od that is zoned agricultur­al. Buy a few chickens. By law, I now have the right to shoot any dog that comes onto my property to defend my livestock. And believe me, I have...sev­eral times over.
 

 
 

—Kevin, doling out cowboy justice.

   
 
Homo Erectus was not black.
 

 
 

—True dat. Kevin is white.

Guardian of the Newsgroup[edit]

Early days of an Internet tough guy

Ol' Casey can be found on microsoft.public.vb.general.discussion, feverishly defending "Classic" Visual Basic and preaching the imminent destruction of its successor (which replaced it in 2002), VB.NET. This can provide an unending source of lulz by virtue of his hatred for anything .NET based. Simply ask a VB.NET question in "his" VB newsgroup and wait for him to take the trollbait. This was tolerated for some time by many lurkers until it was discovered that Kevin's true technical expertise may not actually live up to the hype...


Victim of HuffPost Ripostes[edit]

Butthurt Kevin: The other children are bullying him.

Kevin is a regular contributer to HuffPost, a result of having carried several of Arianna Huffington’s babies – all stillborn. He even earned three (3) badges (!) for his excellent contributions. His posts generally focus on such topics as dogz, fagz, dog poop, Ashton Kutcher, women who like dogz, and his views on “hand vs. toy” among men-hating women.

Kevin is the master of the witty commentary on posts of those who disagree with his always “right on” opinions. Sadly, he can dish it out but can’t take the superior rejoinders, resorting to crybaby faggotry, whining and name-calling.

Below are some prime examples of replies to his comments that sent Kevin running to his mother for comfort, consolation, and warm cocoa:


“C KEVIN go back to Storm>fron¬t where you can be with your coward pseudo N....zzzze¬ye friends.”

“they (Princesses Kate and Diane) are no more irrelevant than you are.”

“Clearly, another male bitter from divorce that had nothing to do with the dog.”

“You sound like a Nazi -- someone who hates others almost as much as you hate yourself. How and why did you become so hateful?”

“In reality you sound like a grumpy old man who probably also yells at kids for stepping on your grass. Get over yourself and get a life.”

“You hae no idea what you are talking about. In fact your ignorance is SO impressive¬, you sound like a Tea party troll.”

“who voted to make you a Gruppenfüh¬rer anyway?”

“Wow, you're not just a tool, you're the whole shed.”

“When is your next meeting? Are your sheets and wood posts ready?”

“Kevin + keyboard = idiot. Ugly, just ugly. what a waste.”

“the only thing that would upset us is if you came out of the closet as one of us.”

“Give up on the comedy act bc you're really bad at it.”

“can i barf on you? awesome!”

“No one wants to "cram" anything "down your throat" You just can't handle the idea of gay sex. It really upsets you.”

Kevin, contemplating his next move: "Did I REALLY overcome my fear of flying just to get fucked over again by some bitch!"


Career (of sorts)[edit]

Kevin in 2012, sporting a circa-1970's pornstar 'stache. Mustache ride, anyone? Anyone?

A self professed code-whiz, Kevin makes millions each year selling his super professional software via the internetz. Kevin literally spent years portraying himself as an authority on all large corporate software ever written, and implied he had years worth of valuable experience engineering "software solutions" for big businesses. However, upon closer inspection it seems his "software solutions" are a collection of AOL chat plugins written in VB which net him a modest monthly sum - enough to pay the light bill and keep his bitchy mom off his back about getting a real job. His biggest corporate customer? Your thirteen year old daughter who likes to hear her computer make a sound like a horse whenever anyone says "lol".

Bidniss[edit]

Kev's business is TPASoft.com - a large multinational that employs the following people, in alphabetical order:

  1. C. Kevin Provance

Casey Kevin bemoans how difficult his life is after becoming internet famous, and how difficult it is to go into AOL chat rooms to seek out his next teenage rape victim when everyone knows him. Let's all empathise with Kevin for a moment so we can understand what it must be like to be instantly recognised in an AOL chat room. Oh the trauma! How would one ever make it through the day? Being an AOL chat room celebrity must be a difficult life indeed. OH WAIT! except for the fact that nobody uses AOL chat anymore and nobody cares

Recent Activites[edit]

Marty, we have to go back! Back to when VB6 still worked, and I was happily married!
Inside Kevin's car scratch that, the bank reposessed it last week.

As of September 2009, poor abused little Kev lost his job, most of his money, and is on the verge of losing his house also. Rather than search for a new job to pay his babydaddy bills, Casey opted instead to harass celebrities that he doesn't like via Twitter. Some recent gems include:


   
 
@mileycyrus: Boo hoo. You wanted fame, glory, and money? Now pay the piper, or end up like Britney...knocked up and drugged out.
 

 
 

—Engaging Hannah Montana with friendly chit chat


   
 
@JessicaSimpson: OMFG...it's a DOG! Not a human baby. It's coyote poop by now. Move on.
 

 
 

—Consoling Jessica Simpson over her lost dog


   
 
@mrskutcher: Ur suggesting we should spend R stretched thin $ on slasher porn coz ur kid is in it? You rich ppl r not in touch w/reality.
 

 
 

—Tweeting txtspk to Ashton Kutcher's mom, who will doubtless cry herself to sleep at the thought of Kevin refusing to see her son's movie.

Reactions to his Recaptured Internet Fame[edit]

This is Kevin, when...No, wait. It's Jared Loughner. Uncanny!

Shortly after EDiots created this page to document Kevin's colorful contributions to the world wide web, the master troll himself soon learned of it, probably during one of his nightly three hour sessions of self-Googlage. Proving to the world that he didn't care what a silly little site like ED had to say about him, he managed to ignore the page for at least thirty minutes before rampantly locking down every blog, website and online user profile he had ever created. He then proceeded to vandalise this page.

Further evincing his mental instability, C Kevin decided the best form of defense was a vicious attack. His primary conundrum however, was that he had no idea whom to focus his attacks upon, and therefore picked a natural target - his uncle, Mack Provance. Dismayed at all the dramatic incidents of his life being documented for all to see, Kevin decided not to delete fucking everything, but instead to actually add more drama to the article itself. A portion of one of his attempts at vandalising this page follows:

Got your snail mail, Mack Provance, the black sheep uncle of my family. For the love of Christ, will you hurry up and die already?
I know you're saddled with the fattest most disgusting lop of shit for a wife, but you need to focus your rage and jealously someplace else.
And um...to be honest, you have no place calling anyone else dumpy. Looked in the mirror lately?
If you can get past that pasty gray skin, you'd realize that you're pushing a metric ton yourself.
If you're still pissed off that I outed your molestation of a student at my former high school on classmates.com
while you were a teacher there, get the fuck over it already.
She does not want you, no matter how many times you tell yourself that in your deranged psychopathic head.
Let it go, and you'll be a lot happier, m'kay? By the way - and I love being the one to tell you this -
no one, and I mean no one in our family has ever liked Stacey.
I think that should have been evident to you at Nana's funeral.
No one wanted you there. The fact that you invited yourself after we tried our hardest to deceive you just ruined the day for everyone.
And what did you do? You got up on stage and talked about YOURSELF!! Who fucking cares Mack!!
No one. Not now, not ever!! And your interview about Teddy Jump, how you two shared a bond? Lovely. Does this mean you are coming out of the closet now?
If so, make sure you give my father a great big butt fucking while you're at it.
And lastly, dear deranged uncle, just because you chose to ignore and abandon your own mother in the autumn years of her life
does not mean we will all follow in your path. You mock me for having a relationship with my own mother in which you label
me a pussy for actually talking to the woman who gave birth to me?
Yeah, I guess that would be a shock for you considering the shitty way you treated your own.
If you ever feel the need to cry on her shoulder, you'll have to dunk your fat fucking head in the seven seas lagoon at Disney.
And if you choose to do so, do us all a HUGE favour and don't come up for air. Have a *great* day!!


Some argue that his uncle, or at least the account created on ED representing Mack Provance, is actually Kevin attempting to troll himself. If true, this would make him one of the world's greatest trolls to date. If false however, it would simply mean he has one seriously fucked up family. One of the greatest sources of K-prov humour, his retired blog "Synthetic Reality", was also removed during his mad Def-Con 1 panic attack. Happily though, shit was so Google-cached and fresh material continues to be added to his list of infamous quotes, along with screenshots of his blog.

It seems that Kevin is so obsessed with his uncle that, using the name http://encyclopediadramatica.rs/User:Austrotung/Mark, he has attempted to have the last laugh. Most of the external links he uses to dox his uncle don't work.

Latest Whinery[edit]

After Microsoft dropped the bomb on the archaic NNTP servers and signalled the end of their managed Newsgroups, Kevin went into a shitstorm of a hissy fit at the thought of losing one of his most valued playgrounds. Doubtless terrified as to how he would exert his internet superiority over others if the groups vanished into a cloud of digital nobody-gave-a-shit-anyway smoke, he immediately took the fight directly to Microsoft with a firm but friendly email, filled with intelligent succinct points and plagiarized Family Guy jokes:

My latest reply to Sruthi Ramaashs ::some 911 sounding name:: ishish

I'm sure that's a raft of crap as well. A canned response from some call center in india carries NO weight.
When I hear from someone out of the USA with an English name, I'll be impressed.
Puppet.

But hey, the object since day one of MSFT's marketing project known as .NET
was to eliminate VB6 and everything associated with it.
Mission accomplished. I hope you marketing @$$holes feel good about yourselves.

Latest Occupation[edit]

To prove to his former classmates just what a wild success his life has been, CKP created a profile on his former school's website. Amidst the happily married doctors, lawyers, teachers and real estate agents, Kevin lists himself as being a 20/21 Century Backstep. For the uninformed, this is also known as a TimeCop, which is also known as inventing an important sounding job description for a position that he doesn't have. At a job that doesn't exist. At a fictitious company. Which is responsible for solving non-existent problems. I suppose the general gist would be that this is bullshit. Yep, just a giant, steamy, crock of fly-larvae-breeding, field-fertilizing, fantasy-world bullshit. Straight from the horse's mouth, or in this case the cow's anus:

Um, lessee....got into computers in the early 90's when that was the big new thing.  Wrote some software the became popular, 
made a bunch of money, got married too young which did produce one awesome son.
Got divorced too soon (not my doing, women are just plain evil),
went into seclusion, developed some new theories in inter-dimensional
communication and was eventually recruited by Chronos Technologies.
Now I advise them on current events for future studies which enable chrononauts
a less paradoxical backstep into the 21st century.
Eventually I will become a mentor in turn of the century history, teaching in the last 22nd century to most of your grandkids.

Take that Class of '89.
Kevin's romance novel. Strangely, there are no chickens in the story.

Not to worry: Our boy, Kevin, has been keeping busy in recent times. He spends his days running a chicken farm (appropriately named the Oedipal Complex), threatening his neighbors poop-producing dogs, and writing romance novels (Provance Publishing - took him weeks to come up with that name). His latest piece of work, Without a Word, concerns itself with a man who fathers an illegitimate daughter, only to get the hots for her in later years. It's a real page turner, and well worth its price: It's a freebie download for your Kindle.


Rampant Faggotry

Trollbait[edit]

Generic deep moody self shot.

If you're feeling bored and lonely, and if you don't have an 8 year old son take your pent up sexual aggression out on the way Casey Kevin Provance does, then you can fire up your favourite news client and head on over to microsoft.public.vb.general.discussion and ask any of the following:

  1. Why is this newsgroup still active? I thought Microsoft killed VB6 in 2002?
  2. I think I found a bug in VB6 - how can I get Microsoft to fix it?
  3. How do I do (anything) in VB.NET?

(The flame responses will come here, which then leads to your response of):

  1. But this is a general discussion group for VB. I asked a VB question, what's the problem?

The above can often lead to responses from Kevin such as:


   
 
This group and all groups with .vb are for VB6 or lower. The *real* VB, not the bloated excuse MS calls VB.NET. ... If you're going to challange me, you're not going to like it.
 

 
 

—Kevin, using his power as owner of the internet to tell a newbie to go fuck themselves.

Kevin will also regularly post his deep-seated hatred for all things Microsoft, while simultaneously preaching the joy of the 11 year old VB6 programming language - created by none other than Microsoft.

OH NOES![edit]

Kevin, in one of his 3 hour self-google searches recently came across this article. This article will likely be quickly taken down because it violates so many clauses in the AUP, I don't know where to begin.

Gallery of Fail[edit]

Some of Kevin's contributions to the tubes About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Contact Information[edit]


Kevin's Various Uninventive Sockpuppet Accounts on ED[edit]

External Links[edit]

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