Kim Kardashian

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13template.jpg Kim Kardashian looks like it was written by pseudo-intellectual 13-year-old boys.
Look out for unfunny Uncyclopedia bullshit, boring in-jokes, and angsty teen-ery.
You could also add in actual humor.
Something like this will never happen to you. Go and cry, fag (not that you would want to, I don't see where the hype is, really...)
Kim's hilarious "leaked" sex tape
Now all you need to do is to shop yourself in the back
Kim's magic wand.

Kim Kumdumpster Kardashian West is an americunt, Kanye lover, failure, porn actress, is not on internet, and another celebrity the Jews want us to love. Kim Kong has several siblings such as Khloe, Kylie, Kendall, Kourtney and Rob. She is also the most promoted egotistical attention whore on the internet. KIM K SUPERSTAR

Autobiography[edit]

I am 30 years old and act like a vain and self-obsessed 13-year old. My dream was always to become a princess, but I became an anal porn star but I still think I am a princess. My body is full of plastic surgery. My boobs, azz, lips, teeth, cheeks, nose, facelift etc. are all bought and paid for, courtesy of a plastic surgeon. The reason why my hair is beautiful is because its fake. I was also jealous of Paris Hilton and put out a SEX TAPE because she did. I idolized Paris Hilton. I used to hang on her like a koala bear all the time, to get my picture taken by the paparazzi. Until 2007 I did cocaine. I know there are pictures as proof, but I will deny it forever.

My pimp mother, Kris, fucked the pool boy while my father, Robert Kardashian, was at work. He was one of the lawyers that helped keep OJ Simpson out of jail after he killed Ron Goldman and his ex-wife Nicole. Anyway, the result was my pathetic half gorilla sister Khloe, who is a whore just like me. Whenever my mouth is moving I am lying, as I am INCAPABLE of telling the truth about anything. I pretend that if I lie about things people will eventually believe it. The way I walk, talk, and laugh is fake; and if you look into my eyes you can even see that my soul is fake.

Although I pretended to be upset by the sex tape, I was the one that sent it to Vivid Entertainment, and they paid me $5 million to expose my nasty self. Ray J had nothing to do with the leaked sex tape. I tricked him into making a porn film with me for distribution. My former publicist, Jonathan Jaxson, knows what happened! I am just waiting for him, and many more, to come out and reveal how I really am. I exploit my FAKE body all of the time because I lack intelligence, class, dignity, self-respect, elegance, and morals. I really am a very dirty woman.

My ex husband Damon Thomas whom I married at the age of 19 in Las Vegas publicly called me: untalented, a trashy whore, desperate, a plastic surgery addict, a backstabber (to my family), and a cheater. I have no real friends because I have misused and stepped on everybody that has come my way for fame. I am currently using social medias to snake my way in to other celebrity’s lives for friendship and publicity. I show up like a diva to all kind of award shows that I have NO business at all to attend. The only award show I should attend is the AVN. I call the paparazzi myself. I learned that trick from Paris Hilton, but I’m too cheap to buy their lunch like she does. I am 25% iranien and 25% Turkish but armenian sounds better. My ancestors were Muslims.

I have NO talent what so ever. I was thrown off Dancing with the Stars on the second week. I made a work out video that clearly shows I have never worked out in my life. I did a test shoot for Playboy, but after seeing the proofs they refuse to acknowledge me. I got a Razzie for my horrendous performance in the parody Disaster Movie. I should have gotten one for my sextape as well. My song JAM, I have no words for. It is the most annoying and pitiful song in history. I sing like an unmusical, tone deaf, four year old who wants a cookie from Grandma. Anybody who don’t like me for the rotten and lying whore that I am I call haters or jealous!

We, the Kardashians, call each other dolls, and I alone have tainted the pussycat dolls by heisting their concept. I pretend that I care about others, but I could not care less. I only care about myself. I tried to fvck over children by selling them an insane debit Master Card with predatory fees. It was unfortunately taken off the market after 1 week under threat of legal action from several states. Thankfully I found a new way to rip off the kids with glam silly bandz. Over weight children should skip normal diet & exercise and do shady diet pills or lipo-suction like me.

I Stole $120k from Ray J and Brandy’s mother, Sonja Norwood, credit card. After being busted I paid her back with the money I got from the sex tape I made with her son. That’s the circle life, Mrs. Norwood. The clothes at Dash are pure knock offs from top brands and designers. I don’t even know how to sew on a button or sketch anything. But I call myself a fashion designer. The logo on my perfumes is a complete rip of from Korcula creator Lindley Bertin.

For World AIDS Day I went off social medias until my fans had raised $1M. I was confident that within 12 hours I would be back. Seven days later I had to be bailed out by a billionaire who wanted to spare me shame. This is how much my «fans» value and missed me.

I have never been single because I am to scared to spend time with myself. I am looking very much forward to the day my grand children sits on my lap and ask me if I am an anal porn star because that’s what everybody in kindergarten will say. I also love to flaunt my gigantic fake hippo azz. It’s my calling card for any rich Black man that wants to ram my azz hard and move on! Evan Ross, Marquis Houston, Scott Storch, Fabolous, The Game, Nick Cannon, Nick Lachey, Tyson Beckford, William ‘Ray J’ Norwood, Reggie Bush, Christiano, Chengo (The Bodyguard is one of my favorite movies ever) Miles Austin, Gabriel Aubry (only because everybody said I was only into black guys) Kanye West, and Kris Humpries; are just a FEW of the men that have ALL fvcked, pissed in my mouth, AND dumped me. They know that I am trash and that brings their reputations down to the gutter with mine. I will fvck anyone for publicity. I have had many STDs, but the only one I have now is herpes (got that from Paris too). I am pathetic, plastic, and terribly insecure. I am the worst «rolemodel» that has ever walked this planet.

I am a national and international joke, and gave out my own ANAL/PISS SEX TAPE to get famous. I am a human toilet. I am clearly a very sick human being and I’m 100% shameless. I am the filthiest famewhore in the whole wide world!


I am Kim Kardashian… Superstar

America's Top Model[edit]

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Kardashian won this test of skill and brain power using her famous Top, which she then had photographed for Playboy Magazine before having it removed and replaced with silicone. The excess breast fat was send to Africa to feed starving picaninnies. In her acceptance speech Kardigan said "I want to achieve World White Supremacy and a ten figure salary, not necessarily in that order."

Keeping Up With the KKK[edit]

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This is an American reality television series best watched on Es. As well as the Kardigan family, the secondary cast include the late Eugene Terreblanche, Nick Griffin and sexy fake prostatot Yo-Landi Vi$$er from Die Antwoord. Episodes includes "Birthday Suit" in which Kim arranges for her Mum to be sexually ravaged by a gang of black men and "Dude Where's My Pregnancy?" in which Kim conceives a Philippino child in her anus.

Personal Life[edit]

According to Wikipedia, a "personal life" is defined as "private life separate from work". Since Kardigan's life is about as private as that of a goldfish in the window of an Amsterdam prostitute who is on a 24 hour webcam displayed via projectors onto the surface of the moon, she doesn't have one.

Sex tape[edit]

In 2007, a pornographic home video she made with her then-boyfriend, R&B singer Ray J, was leaked. Kardigan sued Vivid Entertainment for ownership of the tape. Kardigan later dropped the suit and settled with Vivid Entertainment for $5 million. Only kidding. I made that up for a laugh. Vivid simply paid her a regular whore salary and then covered it up so as not to turn her into another PR disaster like Vanessa Hudgens. Now on sale for five dollar at your local Walmart as Me Love You Long Time. I’d like to add that this is the only reason why this dirty Snicker-licker is so famous. For if this sex tape had not been “released” her ass would still be a nobody, so I don’t see why she sued anyone she should have been thanking the persons responsible for the release of the tape for starting her career as a whore that has a huge ass.


$10 Million Wedding[edit]

It has been established if you date Kim for a set amount of time she and then propose you will be married within 2 days. The many people to make this mistake include Shango, Kim's first husband, Ray J(WTF??? no) and Kris "it'sallaboutme" Humphries. It had been almost 2 years since the last Kardashian wedding and Kim's family was spending all her attention on Khloe Kardashian cause she was married to a Lakers player. Kim was furious and Jealous that no one really cared about her so she started humping Kris H. After only 2 months of dating Kris wanted to put a ring on it and proposed to Kim in BoraBagdadistan or something like that. Kim said "YES" cause she stilled had her dildo in at the time. Feeling happy that she was getting the attention back she went through with the wedding. As a result of her giant ego this was billed as an American Royal Wedding, because the Kardashians have no idea what royals really do and think of them as reality stars. 20% of the money was spent on her ring and her guests where expected to buy her $1 million presents.

After 68 days Kim found out that no one in her family like the team that Kris played for nor did they like him. So she planned to get a divorce.


Music[edit]

As a result of Kim's fascination with musicians and the music industry (music producer Damon Thomas, rapper RayJ, American Jesus wanna be Kanye West) combined with her reality TV show which has the typical Americunt plot of "look at me I haz moniez" and the theme of "I haz all this stuff!" a 16 year old girl from New Zealand wrote a song titled "Royals" all about Kim K and the lifestyle that she embodies. The song immediately became a Number 1 hit in the US with the lyrics "And we'll never be royals" and "Let me be your ruler, You can call me Queen Bee". As a result of other lyrics in the song which make fun of all of Kim's stuff the 16 year old girl was branded a racist for doing nothing more than describing Kim K and the lifestyle of the stupid whore who fucks black rappers.

Flour Assault[edit]

Last Thursday, Kardigan was walking the red carpet (as always, amirite??) for the launch of her new skank scent. While posing for the paparazzi with her pimp mother, some bitch threw flour onto Kardigan while her mom still posed and smiled for the cameras. If you listen closely to the video you can hear the lady call her a "fur hag." Kardigan was escorted away to get cleaned up. She came back on camera pretending to not care, making unfunny jokes and seem light hearted. 2 days later and butthurt, Kardigan decided to press charges seeing as her attempt to grab attention and play the victim was a fail. The whole situation was most likely planned by Kardigan just for the attention and have all her dumb fans pat her on the ass telling her that the girl was just a hater. Or the girl was just trying to deliver Kardigan's order of cocaine in a unique way, but since she got it on her hair and expensive clothes, Kardigan wants her arrested and sued. Since Kardigan will fuck anyone to make her look good in the news, people like TMZ claim that she was at a charity event for some stupid shit no one cares about. We know they're lies.


Other shit celebrities just like Kim[edit]

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