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Kiwi Farms

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Breakingnews.gif Breaking news!
LOL BACK ONLINE
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Null is a handsome, debonair tween who enjoys taking preschoolers on dates at the local Putt-Putt, which they surely don't regret later.
While posting a user's private messages, Null tends to fondle himself with his mother's breast milk.
As usual, the admin is an incredibly understanding friend to everyone at Kiwi Farms.
You hate a rival site more than anything else. What do you do? Give them more traffic

Run by Null, the Kiwi Farms is quite the lovely internet forum board consisting of a user base that was so frustrated that their favorite show on Nickelodeon got cancelled that they decided to seclude themselves from the outside world and create a sprite-and-semen cocktail known as the CWCki. Each user had evolved from being those who were simply curious about Chris Chan to being a top internet sleuth, using the formidable power of Google's engines to bring terror in the form of elite cyberhacking and serious consequences for rousing their fury to all who oppose their mighty keyboards. They were known for being as equally talented as their stalk victims, posting endless threads about "lolcows", and using the forum as their personal Wordpress due to not having anyone else to talk to about getting fired from Pizza Hut. Many users were noted to have some kind of mental illness, so please do not attempt to approach them without taking proper precautions.

Eventually, someone threatened Null's family and he ran off like the pussy he is. Enemies of Null, such as Vordrak and Oliver D. Smith cheered and claimed to be responsible for the "victory," when suddenly the site came back online, and their vengeful rage was felt all around the world.

Wearethelolcow.png
Kiwi Farms does not appreciate any deviation from their lolcows, other than when complaining about how awful their Nutritional Scientist jobs are and how their families don't understand them.

A Prequel to Epic Failure

The users of the CWCki forums eventually realized that their object of affection was not the only person on the internet who could provide them with the lulz they so desperately crave, so they followed the path of their beloved senpai once more and expanded the forums to include other special individuals. This proved to be mildly confusing to the users, who cried out in one voice, "I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE" and nervously clutched their Life Alert buttons. The forum was then renamed to "Kiwi Farms", a very rough phonetic approximation with a dash of imagination of "CWCki Forums", in February 2015 by some amazing individual.

Null gradually took over Kiwi Farms' forum as other people with were arrested by the FBI and moved on to long prison terms to get ass-raped. He spends all his time making sure that there is no fun to be had on the forums as well as helping everyone on his site lose weight by drinking no less than 37 Coke Zeros a day.

How the Average Kiwi Farms User Spent Their Day

Everyone on the KF website had sob stories about being molested, so you can guarantee some of their internal wiring has come loose. They stalked and cataloged people they repetitively refered to as lolcows and autists, rarely using any other vernacular and exploding in impotent fury at those who didn't conform to their comforting language. Their completely healthy main hobby was sending people with autism money, then discussing how giving someone a source of income that is not required to be reported to the IRS completely trolled the recipient due to "tax evasion" reasons.

Ironically enough these 1337 IRL-h4x0rs didn't realize that prepaid cards and cash counted as gifts due to no commercial services or goods being exchanged, and are therefore not necessary to declare on any tax form in the United States unless income was generated from the gift afterwards. Since Chris-Chan never follows through on producing more comic updates on time and no one in their sound mind would see him as a business owner, they basically end up giving him money for nothing except to autistically follow his actions when he spends it.

Stupid
Stupid
Stupid



Along with CWCki, they had another partner site where you can read about lowlifes called the Lolcow Wiki, which was Null's pathetic attempt to find meaning in his life after Chris Chan finally had sex.
That was the day the mass of gentlemen at Kiwi Farms all found themselves less socially adept than a retarded manchild who drank his own cum.

Play Nice

The most important rule.

Despite being a forum dedicated to trolling, members of Kiwi Farms were very delicate themselves and required a strict set of rules devised by an authoritarian leader to protect them from being bullied. Failure to comply with these rules would result in an immediate ban and the admins poking through all your private messages in an attempt to stamp out the root cause of your insubordination.

Forum Rules
Lolcows are bizarre people/groups/events, that are on the Internet, and respond negatively to people in a funny way. They are not countries, political figures, celebrities, your highschool bully, or some random YouTuber that isn't a drama queen.
• Be civil. Don't aggressively attack and insult the people or groups we talk about. Don't get emotionally charged about things that do not matter. If you need to tell people that you're better than someone, you're probably not.
• Write descriptive topic titles. "Hunger Mythos" is better than "Girl thinks she's a corgi". Keep them as brief as possible.
• Hide your Powerlevel. Avoid revealing intimate, personal information about yourself on public boards. These threads are not your personal blog, and we are not an asylum.
• Don't White Knight. Don't turn threads with people of interest into an intervention. You are not their protector. If you want to help, contact them privately.
• No trolling plans. Don't use this forum as a place to organize trolling efforts. We cannot control your behavior off-site, but expect to be banned and ridiculed if you do something embarrassing.
• Do not create topics about forum members. This extends to all existing members of the forum that were first discovered by their presence here. If you think that they deserve one, ask staff first.



We, at Encyclopedia Dramatica, are kind enough to provide an accurate translation of these rules in the universally accepted language of English, without being a giant floppy vagina.

  • Be civil: Disagreeing with another poster is only acceptable when addressing them with the honorific titles of "Sir" or "Ma'am" and ending all posts with a polite "Thank you" or "Cordially Yours"
  • Write descriptive topic titles: Admins were too busy reading your private messages to rename threads, so please assist in optimizing their SEO.
  • Hide your powerlevel: Forum users need to be reminded not to self-dox, as they tend to get excited and post personal information about themselves on a website dedicated to exploiting people's personal information.
  • Don't White Knight: Unless of course someone is exposing Null, in which case you'll become a moderator.
  • No trolling plans: Please keep trolling plans in private messages because the admins might shit a brick if they ever caught a lolsuit.
  • Do not create topics about forum members: Because members are not able to cope with bullying.

Gallery of Gorgeous People

The users who frequented Kiwi Farms were exceptionally beautiful and full of creativity.
For more pictures and stories of how none of Kiwi Farms' user-base can operate normally in society or hold down a job, click here.

How to take a Fat Girl Angle Shot 101 About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

  • User Roger Rabbit

  • User Geekboy400

  • User Merriedxreldnahc

  • User Melchett, set her own title on Kiwi Farms to 'Future Milf'

  • User Abilene

  • User Axiom

  • User Bungholio

  • User Darkhorse816

  • User Fallensaint

  • User Framergirl420

  • User Gamergirl140, ex-girlfriend of The-Golden-Knight

  • User Grandnumberofmultiples

  • User KatsuKitty AKA "Gay Magi-Chan"

  • User Manajerkop, writer of the epic "CWCollateral"

  • User Massif

  • User Miraak

  • User Oglooger

  • User Organic Fapcup

  • User Pine Tar, who was banned from the forums for threatening to rape another user.

  • User Ronald Raygun

  • User Sigyn

  • User Six.four.systems

  • User Soccer Hooligan

  • User Strewth

  • User Trippinkahlua

  • User Unbovvered

  • Error creating thumbnail: File missing

    User Waifu

  • User Wheat Pasta

  • User Yawning Asperchu

  • User Ziltoid

  • KiwiFarmsUser1.jpg
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What the fuck are you talking about

Quotes from the Underground

Spreading their nonsensical message to all users.
   
“ 		 
I have people on my own fucking website telling me what words to say and that is so fucking insulting
  		„
  		 

— Null getting pissed about others trying to contribute to his website http://pastebin.com/2bxnQQi0

   
“ 		 
It's kind of like a less evolved civilization worshiping an average guy just because he is wearing pants and they think that's insanely advanced
  		„
  		 

—EDF user Sugar Bombs commenting on Null's obsession with LikeICare, whom he considers to be the evil genius behind Encyclopedia Dramatica

   
“ 		 
First off, I feel worthless about my degree. I have a bachelor’s degree in history with a minor in gender studies. I keep trying to be positive over everything, but it’s disheartening to hear about how I have a useless major and I am destined to have a job that doesn’t pay well.
  		„
  		 

— user averadiane, complaining about how she won't get paid a lot of money to argue that women totally fought at the Battle of the Alamo

   
“ 		 
I hate having emotions, especially ones that make me cry. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember thanks to not only being bullied at school for it but also my dad either checking out emotionally or giving me verbal abuse whenever I started to cry as a kid (especially when he was the one who caused it, it seemed); I remember being a kid and wishing I could have my tear ducts surgically removed so that maybe then dad would love me.
  		„
  		 

— user sm0t, shedding light on his relationship with daddy

   
“ 		 
My hair cutter died within the past five years due to a car accident. That alone was difficult enough for me to handle, because I’d been visiting her since I was fourteen years old.
  		„
  		 

—ahavayeshana, on what true suffering is like

   
“ 		 
I called in sick today claiming I caught the stomach flu that’s been going around lately, but in reality I was in such awful menstrual pain that I was nearly vomiting.
  		„
  		 

—Kiwi Farms user "red" proving that women don't belong in the workplace because of their periods

   
“ 		 
I… I don’t have friends. Well, I have one, but he’s pretty distant. I mean, I’m doing what I can to remain strong, but… It’s like… When you leave a person all by themselves, they will typically take care of themselves. When I am left alone, I will proceed to self-destruct.

And I’ve been completely alone for a while. I can’t deal with life very well at all. Computers are my comfort zone. I will neglect everything in order to spend more time on them. My room, my responsibilities, my health. That’s because other people… Talking to them… I mean… They are out there, and… Look, let’s try to approach this from a different angle. When I first joined CWCki Forums, I had a hidden intention I didn’t tell anybody - one so secret, I even managed to obscure it from myself. I came here to be turned into a lolcow.
 

„
  		 

— obnoxion chasing his wildest dreams of being made fun of by other retards

   
“ 		 
There is no way in hell I could handle a job and uni at the same time. My grades would absolutely plummet and I would probably flunk out. I shouldn’t have my hand forced like this
  		„
  		 

—birdsim on the unfairness of reality

   
“ 		 
I’ve never had a job. Not even part-time. How’s that for mortifying?

The problem is that I’m shy as hell and prefer not to deal with people. As a result, there are so few options for me that I feel like I’m doomed. Working as a cashier or waitress is completely out of the question. Stocking would be okay, but my mom is strongly against it because she feels it would only help me a little. I’d be fine with (and possibly even enjoy) an office job, like data entry, but the sad fact is that there are barely any offices where we live. I like biology in the sense of work centered around animals, but I wouldn’t wanna be a vet or vet’s assistant. Blogging seems like a pipe dream at this point. When September comes, I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do, and my parents keep pestering me about it. I feel lost, terrified, and a few minutes ago I broke down during dinner because I couldn’t take it anymore. Volunteering at my local library or animal shelter would be a start, I suppose, and even if they didn’t pay me I’d get some experience. But after that, then what? I get my Bachelor’s and keep looking? I don’t feel like taking more classes because I don’t even know what I’d take to help start a career. Aside from writing, there’s not much else I’m good at. I used to be into drawing, but my art skills just aren’t passable anymore. I have plenty of time, I just don’t know where or how to start. *insert massive stress sigh*
 

„
  		 

—kiwifarms.net user R.A.E.L on having no skills whatsoever

   
“ 		 
I’ve been physically violated by who I called my best friend, which I knew since 8 years. The thing is, nobody of my family/friends circle knows this - besides, this ex friend is a woman and when I try to introduce the subject of “females can be rapists, too” I get laughed at, which makes me feel even worse. Thanks to this I got trust issues and I can’t even enjoy alone time with my boyfriend without starting to tremble and cry. That, and frequent nightmares that involve abuse.
  		„
  		 

—The Riddler, who believes women can be rapists

   
“ 		 
We have so much free time in this world thanks to rich autists. We're lucky to be using this free time and freedom of speech to hang out and talk about autists instead of working in a coal mine or making nicknacks for 7 cents an hour. Remember to check our privileges and that the lolcows did 9/11.
  		„
  		 

—Kiwi Farms' userbase gloating about being able to drink vats of Code Red instead of being useful to society

   
“ 		 
All of you are retarded. This community is retarded. You guys have no concept of how to deal with things you don't like and that is absolutely fascinating considering what sort of a forum this is. I don't know how we ended up with a population that is 50% transgender/lgbt-"ally", but it has slowly rotted away at what the very notion of a lolcow is. We've become Imgur-lite, a shitty, reactionary website filled with easily offended prudes who can't even stomach something they don't like being on the same domain name as where they post. You people are so fucking easy to troll, all one has to do is make an alt account and say something disagreeable to end up with a 400 reply thread in under 12 hours.
  		„
  		 

—Asperger's Lite

   
“ 		 
But when it gets quiet, I shake to the point of almost being sick. I’m still so scared I’ll lose what family I have left.

I’ve been through PTSD before. I worked though it. I just thought I was stronger than this to go through it a second time. And I’m angry at myself for it.
 

„
  		 

—2Spoopy, a user who claims to have PTSD because her father tried to raise her not to be a stripper

   
“ 		 
Hi all, took a break from the farms over winter, then on may 33 i had a stroke. Not even kidding. If thus is not ok, mods please remove, and guve me a good telling off. I need to get my wieght under control and have put uo a go fund me under joybicycle to try and buy a bike fir my health. Been iff eork since the stroke in hospital and home healung. Right side ischemic parietal, no paralysis, mild ataxia, so all things considered not nbad fine motor skills suck. Thanks for readin anothrr lkiwi @triptothemoon is on my fb and can verify.
  		„
  		 

—Toasty, who can't spell because of a stroke except for the name of the gofundme account they set up

   
“ 		 
I love my family and everything that they have done for me but honestly, I’m so done with their bullshit. I don’t want to be like any of them. I wanna be my own person.
  		„
  		 

—A Mighty Monarch explaining how totally lame his family is for being supportive

   
“ 		 
A fully grown womyn with a professional acting career engaging in an edit war on Wikipedia over their birth name is fucking stupid and funny. If you can't see that, you're in the wrong place.
  		„
  		 

—Null explaining why The New Yorker's cartoons are quite humorous

   
“ 		 
Monday, I had a bad dream about the guy I loved for 7 years. He came to see me at college before graduation, but instead of having sex with me, he wanted to hang out with topless, skinny girls. It was just like real life. Almost 2 years ago, he went to the Philippines to get some whore he met on the internet and he married her, leaving me absolutely devastated. I almost strangled myself and I scratched myself all over when I found out. I still cry when I think about it, I didn’t think about it much when I was unemployed, because 100% of my thoughts went to trying to get a job. Now that I have a job again, it leaves me a lot of time to think*, and now due to that bad dream I had Monday I can’t stop thinking about how he chose her over me, and I’m always on the verge of tears over it.

I know you’re probably thinking why don’t I try to date again, well, that’s impossible when you’re ugly. That’s why he chose her over me.
 

„
  		 

—sparklemilhouse trying to get people to tell her she's pretty

   
“ 		 
Len is the fabled singularity of autism. He is that which all autism eventually leads to. We are looking at the literal heat death of the universe, and it's fucking a pillow and shitting its pants. I can't imagine a more undignified way for the world to end.
  		„
  		 

—A Kiwi telling their opinion on Shaner

   
“ 		 
I'm very amused every time someone calls ED "satire". ED hasn't been satirical in years. It's closer to a bathroom stall in a seedy bar where people write "so and so sucks dicks!" on the walls in sharpie.
  		„
  		 

—Kiwi Farms user Marvin is clearly not mad

   
“ 		 
I fell asleep driving in 2011. This was just a few weeks after one of my really good friends fell asleep driving, went airborne off the freeway, and managed to miss every single tree on the hillside on his way down. I fell asleep just a block from my house and almost crashed into a wooden light pole. Jerked the wheel away before my car could connect with the pole and only smashed the glass out of my sideview mirror which conveniently remained attached to the car.

The body was not damaged but my struts and shocks were fucked up. I also ripped a hole clean through the sidewall of a tire. Exhausted as I was I couldn’t sleep and ended up going out to a movie with another of my friends. I called him on the verge of tears saying that whenever I closed my eyes all I saw was that wooden light pole heading right for me.
 

„
  		 

—User grandnumberofmultiples, who is not ready for driving or wooden poles

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Summary of the Subforums

Secret off-topic forums available to new registered users only.
This is the reward for sending Chris Chan a prepaid Visa: You obtain proof of what he is already reported to be doing, which is mostly eating burgers.

Reviews

They are known for... well, actually, they are not known to many outside their forum other than to the people they search out in professional and cordial ways in order to attempt to gain growth of understanding of the human condition.

  • KiwiReview1.png
  • KiwiReview2.png
  • KiwiReview3.png
  • KiwiReview4.png
  • KiwiReview5.png
  • KiwiReview6.png


Apparently they are listed as a safe place for people with autism: WOT We believe this is due to the large amount of caring individuals with empathy for those who are afflicted with mental illness on Kiwi Farms.

Well-thought out Videos Created By Kiwi Farms


Life imitates art

KiwiFarmer video on Team Gamerfood.

Previous Video | Next Video


Kiwi Farms Shut Down Using This One Neat Trick, Trolls Hate Him!


Null's suicide letter.
NullMurder.jpg
NullMurder2.jpg
Alena BAWWW.PNG TombstoneKiwifarms.pngAlena BAWWW.PNG

In mid-January 2017, Null's mom grounded him from the TV and Diet Coke because someone informed her job about Kiwi Farms' existence, which lead her to be fired. Null, a veteran of over 420 e-battles, remained ever calm. He wiped the sweat from his brow, murmured to himself, 'I'll show those dirty trolls', then took control of the situation by removing the Kiwi Farms site from the servers without informing the user base.

KFNullSpeculation.png
Letter to Null: a/s/l?



This selfless act was not enough to save him from consequence, as his family was literally murdered to death afterwards. It is uncertain as to whether the murder took place over DSL or dial-up, but according to our local FBI experts, it is impossible to survive a claw hammer attack through the internet, no matter how many proxies you hide behind. Afterwards, the heinous killers requested a non-redacted copy of the user and private messages tables, and a photo of Null's penis.

NullMurder3.jpg


nvm

Sadly, Kiwifarms is back Archive today-ico.png online. Null is trying to jew his userbase for even more shekels after the IRL drama.

Gallery

Kiwi Farms Gallery About missing Pics
  • AntiKiwiLogo.png

  • The Kiwi Farms Third Reich

  • Comparing Kiwis to EDiots

  • A beautiful poem written about a seriously hideous whale

  • Null kind of passed high school and he was a pedo a long time ago, he's changed

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also

External links

Null

Reviews

/cow/ threads


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Kiwi Farms is part of a series on

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Featured article August 19 & 20, 2015
Preceded by
Telephone Ring Ring 		Kiwi Farms Succeeded by
Project Harpoon
Featured article January 27 & 28, 2017
Preceded by
Antifa 		Kiwi Farms Succeeded by
Barron Trump
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