Assidy has reported this article to Homeland Security!
|This person has Assburgers Syndrome, |
so you can't say anything bad! :-(
Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck.
Born from somewhere not in Russia, cAssidy grew up EXACTLY THE SAME as any other child ever. Despite her oh-so-sad stories about child BAAAAWWWUSE, drama, stress, true love, teh bullyings, teenage rebellion and how much she hates her parents, assidick is nothing special in terms of a deep life story. Her "friend"-hunting techniques include picking a victim suitable to her selfish, single-minded lifestyle and ensnaring them in a web of candy-coated bullshit. Eventually, she'll show her true colors, and all the victims will want to do is throw a fucking large brick at her head and hope she won't be able to go to the hospital. She primarily stalks around on deviantArt for the "silly haters and stupid 13 year old trolls" and produces BAWWW journals about them when they call her out on her stupidity (like every other teenage dramuwhore). We assume she also decided it was the perfect place to show off her 'wannabe communist propaganda art'.
- 1 Facts about Kolkhoznik
- 2 Ways to troll Kolkhoznik
- 3 Once Upon a /v/
- 4 Getting What She Deserves
- 5 Kolkhoznik's DeviantArt
- 6 H4cked LOL
- 7 Deactivation
- 8 Kolkhoznik's "Significant Other"
- 9 How to Write Poems Like Kolkhoznik
- 10 See also
Facts about Kolkhoznik
- She is
- She is a Communist.
- She can speak rzn.
- She likes everything slavic.
- She is an egotistical, pretentious, haughty bitch bucket.
- Farts come out of her mouth.
- She is always right because she says so and she does not care what you think. Deal with it.
- She is the most obvious narcissist you will ever meet.
- She is the most obvious elitist you will ever meet.
- She is a slavboo.
- Did we mention she's a Communist?
- If you disagree with her, she will BLOCK YOU.
- She is busy having a threesome with pedo commiefags and jews right now.
- She WILL block you. It is inevitable.
- She thinks that lacking shampoo and vitamin D is AWWWWWRIGHT.
- She can see Russia from her house.
- She almost became the next Queen of /v/. They trolled the shit out of her deviantArt but she insists they were just being friendly! :)
- She thinks she is very witty and funny, but she is just a dumb ignorant american whom is addicted to browsing OhInternet/KYM.
- She thinks freedom of speech protects her from criticism of any form.
- Her favorite colors are red and yellow HMMMM I WONDER WHY?
- She is NON REGLIGOUS!!!!111!q=1w
- She mentally touches herself when exaggerating her few shitty talents.
- Apparently, she is obsessed with portal/any non-shitty valve game. She says she torrents stuff (And, of course, never checks the comments on the download), so be sure to pack some trojans with your latest crack of portal 2 on tpb.
- She claims she is a communist, but she cannot live without facebook, the Pirate Bay, tumblr, and twitter.
- If Assidy needed lube during sex, WELL NO PROBLEM because she could use her greasy hair.
- If there was a car that ran on grease, she would be a billionaire. She would change the world one greasy head at a time.
- She is also Hitler's mom.
Why to hate Kolkhoznik
If you weren't convinced enough by the following list of trufax shown above, let me tell you how ugly, disgusting, and horrifying cAssidy truly is. cAssidy is another one of those annoying hipster teenagers (As I told you earlier) located in Ленина земле, PA where there is littered PBRs on the streets, no matter where the hell you go. ALL BECAUSE OF HER AND HER HIPSTER BITCH FRENDS' FAULT. She's fucking trolling us all in LeninLand, because she can't troll online. AT. ALL. She hangs out at *****NON-MAINSTREAM***** McDonalds stores and writes very sad stories about giant McWhoppers, BECAUSE SHE WANTS ONE RIGHT NOW with her 24K Gold-Coated macintrash laptop while playing MOTHERFUCKING PORTAL yet IS HIPSTER!BITCHUMZ!CHUAN!11.1./1!@*((%%(#$*!!!$)BACKPACK!#@#
Her favorite musician is Gogol Burpdello. She listens to his music for hours and hours on her ITUNES playlist. Since I don't want to damage anyone's ears, here's an example of Gogol Burpdello's music: SCREEEEEEaAAA sUrT wEEerIng SCRRRRRRReEEEEEEeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BURPl BURFPl ffFFFFfrp OH OH oH MEATLOAF FARTS FAT SscrreeEEEEeEeeEEeeeE! screEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE>ee>.eE44444444PURPLEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeEEeEeeEeeE. EeEEwEEeEe.EeEe.eE>!mEE., SCRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Click here for actual music by Gogol Burpdello ft. Mr Scruff. (ANOTHR 1 OF ASSIDY'S FAVORIT BANDZ YEY!!@)!@) :DDDDD
Ways to troll Kolkhoznik
Here are some tips when you want to get delicious reactions out of cAssidy.
- Say communism is broken.
- Stalin > Lenin
- Some American President > Putin
- Talk to her in Russian by using some Translator.
Spam the shit out of her devianfArt page DEED DONE LOL0l)L)OolOL DEACTIVATED!!!
- Tell her that all teenagers hate their parents.
- Send her messages claiming you accidentally found her nudes on a Russian porn site, she'll believe you and click the link. Make sure the site contains a virus!
Once Upon a /v/
Some guy named Viktor decided to browse for some STALKER fan art on deviantArt. As he was looking, he came across the nightmare known as cAssidy's deviantArt. He took notice of the high faggotry level her ID was emitting and hurried to 4chan to get /v/'s opinion. Unaware of the fuckery that was amidst, cAssidy noticed her pageviews rising rapidly, thus posted a journal about it. /v/ saw it, agreed with Viktor, cackled at her retardation, and commenced into
troll attack mode.
- Error creating thumbnail: File with dimensions greater than 12.5 MP
Getting What She Deserves
Everybody wants to curb stomp cAssidy, but since most of them can't physically do this from a computer, they just do what the internet has taught them: spam whatever is bothering you to hell and back. Which, in this case, happened to be cASSidy. Her haters are more apparent on deviantArt than anywhere else she resides at on the internet because she can't control who can or can not comment on her page. cAssidy is typically spammed on a weekly basis by relentless yet determined trolls.
Kolkhoznik's DeviantArt gallery mostly consists of horrid self portraits in which she portrays herself to look like a pedophilic, old lesbian woman who has an unhealthy obsession for the motherland and communism. None of you are as good as cAssidy when it comes to art. She is the most artistic, creative, genuine artist to ever grace DeviantArt. Her propaganda art comes in many forms, such as drawing the following: Lenin shoving a bunch of dildos up his ass, Stalin showing off his cake farts, and other sugoi ruski shit that we americans just don't understand. She obviously deserves a DD on every one of her works.
Surprisingly, cAssidy has many more fans than just finata. They are very influenced by her wonderful works.
At some point in time some anon gained access into cAssidy's deviantArt account. Nobody knows the identity of the vigilante or how they got in, but they took some priceless caps 2 prove it happEn. Unfortunately, cAssidy somehow got her deviantArt unbanned two days later.
During the early morning hours of February 3, 2011, two accounts under the names of sluttysheep5 and xxwillow-wispxx emerged from the deep dark pits of the internet to kindly flood cAssidy's deviantArt and Russian group. Both were turned into massive, wriggling sausage collages. The comments consisted of advertisements claiming that cAssidy loves penis enlargement, and/or animations posted over 9000 times of gay men fucking. And some guy fapping.
Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, cAssidy signed on to check her inbox that very morning only to discover she was being bombarded with male enhancement ads, dicks, and buttsex many times over. She freaked out, and immediately tried to hide all of the comments on her page. Sluttysheep5 spammed her gallery up so much that she put all of her deviations into storage. These magnificent trolls were posting much faster than cAssidy could flag their comments, so she just blocked them like the pussy faggot she is. cAssidy then proceeded in trying to wipe up all the diarrhea that was left on her deviantArt and call it a morning so she could head off to school. In retaliation, more troll accounts were created within minutes of cAssidy doing this, and this time multiplied without mercy. Continuation of the spamming commenced with the arrival of these accounts, who were impersonation accounts using her name, Kolkhoznik, with various misspellings. The cock flood continued for the next 10 minutes. The trolls awaited her next move since they noticed their comments and accounts remained unblocked / unhidden for sometime. Lingering on her page for a brief moment longer, the trolls began to get bored. Presumably, they kept refreshing her page when suddenly something unexpected happened. Reloading cAssidy's deviantArt led to a DEACTIVATED ACCOUNT message. Considering this a victory of sorts
for now she will be back, the trolls celebrated later that day. A huge internet feast was held and the trolls were praised for having achieved this ground-breaking feat without even having to do much.
Kolkhoznik's "Significant Other"
Last Thursday, cAssidy was browsing the webernets (With google chrome, of course!) on her seriously fucked-up-with-malware-laptop, she came across a new message on msn. She was honestly confused, because she always said that she was busy doing homework because of her horrible grades ranging from D-Fs. Well, maaaaaaaybe, just maaaaaaaybe.... She was definitely lying, because she was actually "busy" going on omegle and sharing her nudes with pedophilic old men. We have been watching her sleep for many years now and we have watched her use her laptop. We think she is saying "HELLO ASL ME HORNIE GURL DU U LIK MEATLOFA FARTS?! MEH 2. WATY HOEW DU I FUCK WITH COMPUTER anywaiiii__~__~_~ ^____^^;;;;;; i got nudes...... OH OH BABIE Y R U DUING THAT DU OMG MY FINGAH IS UP IN AMH PUSSIE.," like a normal, lonely, teenage sixteen year old fuck. The message from her future "significant other" consisted of "23/m/usa r u a young gurl? want 2 b frenz?" She gladly said yes, due to her "emotional ups and downs/child abuse" she had been putting up with lately. She ignored everything and happily showed him her tits. They later had a happy chat about what method of birth control she uses when having sex with an older man, and how much shampoo does she use. He thought he had found the perfect one, and so did cAssidy, but in other terms, not for babby sex. TRUE LOVE KK. She later thought if she must be happy, she must marry him, get raped, and escape from this horrid world of child abuse and working at a walmart supercenter, receiving minimum wage due to her idocy. One day right after that, cAssidy woke up thinking about her knight in shining armor again, wondering how long it will take to escape from the hands of her horribly "abusive parents" whom spoil her like hell. They needed to be closer to each other, like two halves of the world. They had to be together, or life would never be right and chaos would occur each day in their little emotional hearts. She remembered her hotmail was hacked approximately 1 year ago by her friends at school. They might still know her password and get into the nudes she had been sharing with her significant other, she thought. Later, she made a new messenger account to only talk with her "Significant other" and abandoned the other one, including her contacts. After making a new messenger account, her significant other asked her her address. She didn't know exactly why, but she thought it was AWWWWWWWWWWWRIGHT! because she had only known him for a few days. She honestly loved him. She handed over the address like nothing, and then slowly waited if her significant other would come to her house. He ended up buying her a ring. A ring. It was a simply beautiful ring. It resembled 4 giant tits on one person's chest with leopard fur, and dimond nipples. She now happily keeps it on a necklace, reminding herself of how much that man wants to rape her with her unwashed, greasy, flat, hair. She writes poems for the one person she loves - HER SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
How to Write Poems Like Kolkhoznik
In all honesty, cAssidy doesn't write her own poems like any other tumblfag. They're Rumi's, but we can sure show you how to fake Rumi's poems, since OF COURSE THEY RESEMBLE cAssidy's child BAWWWWuse filled life, and true love. To put it simply, Rumi's poems make no fucking sense. Just put some random shit together so it'll sound like it was designed for an out of control tween whom thinks they're in love. Remember to include something about pie and Disney channel.
Baby don't let go of me
I'm still making pancakes for you
everyone in afica wants to kill you, but that won't work
because you are the one that i truly love
i'm watching porn in my lonely hotel room
oh wait, i don't watch porn
looney tunes tuesday
malaria is a parasite
love love love, like diarrhea
i just can't get enough, i must let it out for you
i am a plant
i am butcher
your face is up my asshole
Where to find cAssidy
- Pandora Radio (Now private, but a few of you may know that a pandora username is actually your email, minus the @xxxx.com part. Try guessing a few times).
- DeviantfArt group (Not yet deactivated, run mostly by Finata).
Most like likely her third Youtube Formspringkolkhoznik disabled their account. LivestreamDEACTIVATED!! Tumblr oh SO exploitable ;)Deactivated HAAHAHAHAAAAHahahAH Steam"Sorry! An error was encountered while processing your request: The specified profile could not be found."
For future reference - in case she deletes everything listed above, you can find her new accounts by going to google and relocating her with these words in your search: cassidy, stalker, kolkhoznik, chernobyl, chernobylchan, russia, lenin.
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