Kraken's Ghost

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RELEASE THE KRAKEN!
Kraken's desk, where the majority of his life is lived

Kraken's Ghost is your typical attention whore/weaboo/fanfiction author who fancies himself as some kind of living legend amongst fanfiction authors. This douchebag practically lives on FanFiction.Net and livejournal. His claim to fame is his hordes of intelligent readers and fellow authors that fap in unison for his next update. Oh, he's also got a raging hardon for the Naruto fandom.

Kraken's Ghost: The Attention Whore[edit]

SET CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL

When he's not busy fapping to Dungeons & Dragons porn or measuring his E-penis, he gets off by boasting about his writing to anyone who will listen or ranting endlessly about how much cock he sucks and why his version of Naruto is so much better than canon. But don't complain about his bitching or else he'll use his connections to hunt you down and raep your internets.

His ultimate dream is to have sex with George Lucas -- and of course, he'll swallow. Star Wars is just the coolest, amirite?

Kraken professes to hate yaoi, but that's just a cover for his own rampant homosexuality. Weighing in at just over 400 pounds, he could easily be mistaken for a whale and you might want to man the harpoons, but it's okay: He is 1/20th Indian, so it just means that he partakes in the ancient and sacred rituals of his clan, eating baby seals and other small mammals that get trapped in his fat rolls. Being Indian, he takes offense to anyone doesn't understand his proud heritage. He should follow in the footsteps of his majestic ancestors and become an hero.


Examples of Kraken's Writing[edit]

Kraken's Ghost, last Thursday

Source: Foxhound, chapter 1 (Foxhound? Where have I heard that before?)

Chap. 1 – “What’s that? BANG! CRAP! It’s all over…”

“You feel it? It’s here. Yes! It’s here!”

“It seems it’s been contained after all. I thought it was just a rumor the lower ranks were spreading. How disturbing that there are humans with that kind of power...”

“Who cares? It’s here! It’s contained, yes, safe now. We kill it, yes.”

“Not yet.”

“WHY? Why you deny this? We kill, kill, kill it, yes?”

“Yes, we will kill it. But even contained, I’d never consider the greatest youkai safe. The cultists… We’ll use them to test its strength.”

“Yes, maybe they kill it. I wants to kill it, but if they kill it, it can’t be killing us first.”

“Coward. But what did I expect? Make a pact and give them the seals. We’ll watch and see how it fairs.”

“YES! Kill, kill, kill it, yes I will! I go to kill you Kyuubi!”

“Leave already.”

“…”

“…Ah…Kyuubi-san…How far you’ve fallen.”


Source: Foxhound, chapter 5

Hatake Kakashi was not in a happy mood. Okay, a more accurate description would be Kakashi’s pissed. His eye tracked his summoned nin-dog (an odd pug by the name of Pakkun) as the little canine stopped for the fifteenth or sixteenth time in the past hour to pick up the trail. Which he had lost…again. They had to stop…again. Naruto had tricked them…AGAIN.

Yeeeah, Kakashi was pissed.

“Dammit, lost it again, huh?” Nara Shikamaru grumbled in annoyance as he landed next to the copy-nin while they waited for the dog to pick up the scent.

Typical Kraken fan

Source: Underdog Hollow, chapter 1

Grab, squeeze, stab, drag, drop.

Move, quiet, grab, squeeze, stab, drag, drop.

Flip, dodge, hide, distract, throw, catch, drag, drop.

You ever wonder if your life is getting…repetitive?

Block, ouch, bleed, yank, bleed, dodge, stab, bleed, heal, drag, drop.

Repetitive or not, this is all you’ve got.

Kill, hide the body, kill again.

When did you sign up for this?

Duck, spin, split, eww, grab, drag, drop, wipe, wipe, pick, flick, eww, move.

Eight years… Eight years since you got an engraved piece of metal giving you permission to kill.

Even three years ago just the idea of killing another human being would have made you queasy.

Two years ago you were using your fingers and toes to count your monthly kills

Ow, block, ow, punch, dodge, grab, snap, drag, drop, hide.

Nowadays you need to use your entire skeleton to count all the corpses you leave in your wake.

Stab, ulna. Slash, tibia. Crack, scapula. Crush, metacarpal.


Kraken's Stories Summarized[edit]

Kraken's girlfriend

Foxhound

Foxhound,which was one of his first and most revered works, written roughly at least 100 years ago and never updated again, is the riveting tale of Kraken's Ghost's thinly veiled Self-Insertion character, who just also happens to share the same name of the Naruto manga's titular character. Long chapters chock full of fanboy masturbation material and Kraken's orations about how awesome he is and how everyone has misjudged him are sure to please any hardcore otaku that stumbles across it. Many 13 year old boys love this fic because Naruto acts as Kraken's Ghost (self-idealized) avatar, approaching various situations in a bad ass way and share all his views, which they can relate to. Impressively enough, it only took Kraken 200,000 words to write 198,900 words about how bad ass he really is.

Deus ex Machina

In which Naruto travels back in time to stop the virus from Resident Evil from killing everyone.

Underdog Hollow

Emo story in which the author commits epic levels of fail in an effort to be mysterious, again raping everyone's character, resulting in readers sucking his cock, while admitting to not understanding what the fuck is going on.

Of Ramen Fiends and Darklords

A fic only shown on his live journal which attempts to create lulz, but is in fact, a complete lulzkiller that combines Naruto and Star Wars. Quoted from it: "exponents were needed to count the number of sweatdrops on Naruto's head".

Kraken's Readers[edit]

Typical Kraken's Ghost followers, playing a quick round of hide the sausage before taking a peek at his Livejournal

Mostly nerds, basement dwellers, and faggots who will jump at the opportunity to suck his cock. To challenge Kraken on his livejournal will result in a flame war.

Examples and lulz can be found here:

http://krakensghost.livejournal.com/47536.html?thread=1670832#t1670832 http://krakensghost.livejournal.com/47536.html?thread=1689264#t1689264

One of Kraken's elite followers sounding off in defense of his noble leader after a lulzy flamewar and several posts about Kraken's Impotent Rage.

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See also[edit]

lolwut

External links[edit]

Lj-favicon.png krakensghost

Portal lj.png

Kraken's Ghost is part of a series on

LiveJournal

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