Ladygaia87

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to: navigation, search
Anonymous raids photobucket, lulz ensue.
Lady Gaia keeps her parents' house clean as a whistle. Oh, and don't try to tell her that that sad puppy is a Golden Retriever. It's a Shiba Inu. That's Japanese.
Please save us. And the puppy. We want baths.
Oh yeah, that's Parent of the Year material.
The result of Lady Gaia's refusal to impose a sleep schedule: children falling asleep over dinner. Totally a sign of a healthy lifestyle. The Cheetoes? Even healthier.

Lj-favicon.png ladygaia87 is everything the childfree love to hate about LiveJournal mothers: a bisexual special snowflake who has three kids (soon to be four) as well as three miscarriages by three who knows how many different dads at the age of 21 (and recently, a miscarriage from lucky daddy number four), but insists she's a good mom because she's pro-breastfeeding, anti-circumcision, anti-vaccination, pro-cloth diapers, anti-schools, anti-shampoo, and basically in favor of every ridiculous hippie parenting theory out there. She also believes that SIDS does not exist because that would involve reading some ideas by somebody that is not her. This theory likely applies to the over 9000 STDs from fucking every trailer park redneck that shifts a lazy eye in her direction.

Lady Gaia is good for endless lulz if you're a fan of deluded weeaboos, crazy granola moms, and general fail; however, the lulz are somewhat diminished when you remember that she's got three small children trapped in her creepy wapanese version of Mommy Dearest.

Formative experiences[edit]

Lady Gaia's three children came out of a long string of fumbling, unpleasant sexual experiences of varying consensuality; basically, she was that fat girl in high school who'd sleep with anybody if they told her she was pretty, and her baby-daddies were the guys who couldn't even bother to lie to her before slipping her the roofies.

More unpleasant than the multiple rapes and near-rapes, however, were the births of each of her children. You see, giving birth in a hospital is exactly like rape, or even worse, because they give you drugs and touch your hoo-hoo without asking. Sometimes they even use machines! My God, what savages.

"Mommy, what was it like when I was born?"

"It was the worst experience of my life. Oh, except for when your sister was born, that one still gives me nightmares."

She refuses to tell the government who her baby-daddies are, partly because there are at least 100 candidates, but also because she doesn't believe in paternity tests or child support. The government has no business interfering in her family life! I mean, sure, she wants them to give her money, but she shouldn't have to follow their stupid rules to get it!

Besides, if her baby-daddies ever find out they have kids, they might actually want to meet them or something, and she's going to keep her kids all to herself, thanks much. Never mind that they could contribute money for the children or anything helpful like that -- she'd rather have her kids go hungry and naked than have to share them.


   
 
My father was not there for me, and I turned out just fine.
 

 
 

—ladygaia87, on why deadbeat dads are awesome

Unfortunately, despite these horrifyingly traumatic experiences of being raped by her children, she insists on spending the rest of her life popping out brats from her her clown car vagina.

The Father(s), Revealed![edit]

In true Spartansburg, South Carolina fashion, the father of all except one of Ladygaia87's kids is no other than...her own father. "I am so shocked" said no one, ever.


Parenting[edit]

Lady Gaia first hits the scene big-time at Lj-favicon.png parenting101 when she asks the community how she can keep her parents from hitting her children. She notes that her mother abused her when she was a child, and she wants to prevent this from happening to her own children.

Initial responses are sympathetic, until it becomes clear that Gaia has no real interest in leaving her parents' house or stopping what might be real abuse because it would be hard. She can't leave because she doesn't have a job, she can't get a job because she can't find daycare that lives up to her standards, and she can't find daycare because her standards are insane (but moar on that later). Everybody starts screaming at her to get over herself and GTFO the house before her kids get hurt.

Bewildered, Gaia defends herself. After all, she's following the latest parenting theories! She's going to cloth diaper (someday) and breastfeed (the next child) and teach her kids Japanese (once she understands it). While she doesn't understand basic algebra, she feels completely confident in her ability to un-school her kids. Also known as "delight-led learning," un-schooling is based on the principle that kids should only learn about things if they actually want to, and should never have to suffer any kind of structure or hard work against their will. So basically, un-schooling is like homeschooling, except the mom doesn't ever have to actually do anything or think too hard, a philosophy that Gaia heartily embraces.

Part of un-schooling involves making sure that your children are never disciplined in any way that hurts their feelings, especially since Gaia can't stand to put her kid in timeouts without crying and feeling like a horrible parent. At this point, people begin to realize that the "child abuse" Gaia mentions in her past was probably her mom telling her she couldn't have a pony once. Astute members point out that Gaia's parents have every right to discipline her children, since they're supporting the entire family and they're apparently the only ones willing to stop the kids from sticking forks into electrical outlets, but Gaia retorts that they have no right to criticize her, because she cleans the house. No toilets, though. That's beneath her.

At this point, even the most patient community members give up on trying to help her, opting either to mock her or to exchange sad predictions about the fate of her children. Amazingly, though, the stream of negative comments finally forces Gaia to acknowledge that she needs to get a job. The very next day, she's back, asking Lj-favicon.png parenting101 to help her find a daycare that practices "EC". For those who aren't raising their kids on rainwater and soy products, EC is "elimination communication," a process wherein the mother, instead of putting diapers on her child, watches him real close until he looks like he's going to take a shit and then runs to hold him over a bush or a trash can or something. I'm not kidding.

Obviously this is exactly the sort of thing daycare workers are thrilled to do, but their job becomes even easier because Gaia does not want them to teach her children anything. She is to be their only teacher, and she will not permit them to learn anything from any other source. The "stupid daycare bitches" are not to attempt to impose structure of any kind on her children, because structure is traumatic; she doesn't even have a household routine, and her children scream and throw tantrums whenever she attempts to impose anything like bedtimes or schedules, which clearly means that bedtimes and schedules are evil. Even so, she fears that anyone teaching her children anything would end up being loved more than mommy, not that anyone would blame the kids for trying to find a surrogate parent. And if the daycare bitches don't do what she says, she'll plant bugs in the building and call the Health Department!

The daycare workers are also forbidden to show her children any videos from Dora the Explorer or similar kid's shows, although Barbie is perfectly fine. Not only is Barbie safe because it doesn't have any intellectual content, Dora the Explorer teaches Spanish, a retarded language that sounds stupid. Gaia doesn't want it anywhere near her children, because those damn immigrants should either learn English or GTFO. Of course, she plans to emigrate to Japan, but that's totally different.

Finally, she wants to be absolutely sure that the daycare workers know that they are not to touch her son's penis. Don't try to tell her that daycare workers have no interest in the lawsuits and jail time that come of touching small boys' penises, because it's all a lie. She's heard stories. SHE KNOWS THEY ARE ALL OUT TO TOUCH HER SON'S PENIS.

The upshot of Gaia's magnificent parenting skills is that her older children are, sadly, several months behind in their intellectual development. At least they'll never grow beyond Mommy's ability to teach them.

Hair and fashion[edit]

Lady Gaia belongs to an LJ community called Lj-favicon.png longhair, which is a place for people with six inches of split ends to congratulate each other on how beautiful their flowing locks are. The members firmly believe that shampoo is of the Devil and that the only proper way to wash one's hair is with baking soda and apple cider vinegar, presumably to create a festive science-project volcano effect on one's head.

Lj-favicon.png longhair members appear convinced that the world is out to douse them in Pantene and give them buzz cuts, so normally, any woman with hair below her shoulders is welcomed as a sister. When Lady Gaia posted to complain that her mother nagged her about washing her hair, however, the membership took one look at the picture she posted and said "yeah, that's fucking filthy." Some even went so far as to suggest using shampoo, which is like getting a boob nazi to suggest formula-feeding, while others wondered what sort of genetic disorder the poor girl had that would put her waist at just below her armpits.

Like most weeaboo women, Lady Gaia seems to think she's a 4'11", 90-pound Japanese girl despite all evidence of mirrors, and dresses accordingly. Though she's desperately in need of a job, she refuses to wear anything resembling proper interview clothes, since skirt suits are for old ladies, slacks and button-down shirts are boyish and crappy, and none of this stupid Western fashion allows her to show off her tits enough or to be "girly and ladylike." She claims to dress exclusively Himegyaru, which is a weeaboo style in which you dress like Princess Dolly Parton. Himegyaru clothes are extremely expensive to begin with, and then there's overseas shipping, so of course she doesn't have any money to buy pants.

Some of her actual wardrobe is on display below. Remember: "girly and ladylike."

Prospects[edit]

Having been rejected by both Wal*Mart AND McDonald's, probably because the managers didn't appreciate being able to see the Grand Canyon between her pendulous teats, Lady Gaia looks like she's not getting out of her parents' house very soon. She's bad at problem solving, she's not entirely clear on what a resume is, and she never graduated from high school, so her job prospects are somewhat dim. But that's okay, because she thinks office jobs are boring, and she "won't be trapped in a cubicle." No, Gaia, you probably won't.

Instead, she's going to be a midwife! An "extremely anti-social and moody" midwife who doesn't know chemistry or pharmacology, to be sure, but that shouldn't be too much of an obstacle because she's read about natural parenting on the Internet.

Once she's made plenty of money saving women from the trauma of birth rape, she'll be moving to Japan, a magical land of opportunity for fat white women. There, she knows that she'll be accepted for who she is by all the Japanese people who are exactly like her, and she'll live happily ever after in a society free from racism, conflict, and stifling hierarchical structure. Don't mistake her for a garden-variety weeaboo interested only in animu, J-rock, and weird fashion, though! She knows Japan is perfect for her because she saw a documentary.


   
 
No, actually, I've been into Japan since I was 12.
 

 
 

—ladygaia87, precocious loli

She also insists that her dozens of Japanese friends have told her that her carefree ways and demon-brat children will totally fit in, and that they'll never feel uncomfortable or out of place. While it is tempting to regard these "friends" as figments of Lady Gaia's imagination, it is also possible that they may be genuine Japanese people who make a hobby of fucking with the gaijin. Fortunately for Lady Gaia's self-esteem, she will never make it out of her parents' house, much less to Japan, and so will never find out that her friends are a bunch of drunken sarari men who compete with each other to see who can get her to say the stupidest shit.

Conversion to Christianity[edit]

Around May 13thish, ladygaia87 reportedly found God. She knows all about Christian parenting, because she's very active on a Christian forum. This new-found religion has reportedly left her planning to never fornicate again, (she'll just watch gay sex) and her adult children will have a curfew and keep their dates in the living area. Conversely, she insists that 13 year olds are mature enough for the horizontal tango. After all, she started sooner than than and turned out great.


No one knows how long this will last.

The Failure of Pregnancy Number 4[edit]

The husband-to-be

Inevitably, despite having three children she already refuses to support, Lady Gaia again became pregnant. However, this time it would be different because her new baby's daddy loved her and was getting another job for her. Wait, did she mention that he's married? But that's okay, because he's giving up everything and getting her a house so she can finally escape from her abusive parents and not teach her children Spanish in peace. And they are getting married as soon as his divorce is finalized!

That was the plan, anyway.

Unfortunately for everyone involved (with the possible exception of the would-be baby, which would have been doomed to childhood overseen by a woman who can't decide if she wants to be a cloth-diapering granola-mommy or a Christo-fascist bible-thumper), Lady Gaia miscarried her fourth pregnancy, and had her overworked uterus power-vacuumed clear of any lingering baby-wreckage on the 19th of November, 2008. She has proceeded to grieve and rage as loudly as possible in subsequent LJ entries, particularly when informed by her own mother that she didn't need another baby anyway, so the miscarriage wasn't exactly a catastrophe.

Pregnancy 5 Lulz[edit]

Losing no time and proving once again she cannot get a hint (don't jesusfags usually believe in that divine intervention shit?), Ladygaia87 ignored the protest of her stretched out pussy and has yet another fine genetic masterpiece brewing in her uterus. The Prego_Drama LJ community has the original post from the cumdumpster. The good news is that she is wanting to have an unassisted pregnancy and can all hope that she will finally remove herself from the gene pool. It is the only hope for those children before they occupy an entire psych ward due to mommy dearest's parenting.

The New Love of her Life[edit]

Proving that you can't keep good white trash down, Lj-favicon.png ladygaia87 has begun dating the sloppy seconds of none other than our favorite lolcow Lj-favicon.png lizziey, and we have it right from the Tiger's mouth. Kinda reminds you of the Tiger nursing the piglets in tiger sweaters, doesn't it? Minus the cute, of course.

External Links[edit]

LJ User Secrets went through a long, boring phase of obsession with Lady Gaia, in between kicking Animal Dreams around:

The LJ snark communities had a go at her too:

Portal lj.png

Ladygaia87 is part of a series on

LiveJournal

Visit the LiveJournal Portal for complete coverage.