Lana Del Rey
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The Lana Del Rey RealDoll was a project of domain squatter and bazillionaire Robert Grant. He poured his riches into the project that would become one of the first animatronic pop stars, certainly the first which was a fully functional sex toy. He hired some of the industry's best songwriters as well as Disney's Imagineering department and RealDoll manufacturer Abyss Creations to develop Lana Del Rey. Grant had envisioned a pop star that would not only fulfill the typical archetype of an attractive, anencephalic pop star, but also one that could appeal to the vibrant shut-in community of RealDoll owners.
The Lana Del Rey brand/gimmick was carefully planned and manufactured by corporate lawyers and record company executives. Lana Del Rey's background was that of the typical American Caucasian girl of a humble background; she lived in a trailer for much of her life. Her musical persona would be branded as a "gangster Nancy Sinatra," singing songs with an "eerily nostalgic vibe heavy on Americana themes, including images of surfing, Coney Island, Frank Sinatra, and Marilyn Monroe." It was never to be acknowledged that the doll was actually nothing more than silicone rubber molded on a robot skeleton. And it was certainly never to be acknowledged that the Lana Del Rey doll and its persona was a complete invention fabricated by corporations and her "father" Robert Grant. When Lana Del Rey would be asked about her rich father and background, it would respond like so:
—Lana Del Rey
In order to be taken seriously, the doll would need to maintain this charade without fail. The systematic deception was vital to ensuring her story would be bought by the functionally-retarded indie community, most of whom wade in a stagnant pit of phoniness themselves and believe it to be real life. Concurrent with this nauseating portrayal in many interviews and videos, the corporations behind Lana Del Rey released the doll's first single, "Video Games."
Eager to capture the undivided attention of the RealDoll-owning demographic out of the gate, Lana Del Rey's first single was entitled "Video Games." The lyrics were banal and vacuous (perfectly matching the personality of the RealDoll) and the vocals were nasally and droning. The singing was formally atrocious, but the music was so perfectly manufactured by Grant's team of professional songwriters that indie blogs everywhere shat themselves in their musically-induced psychedelic trances, whoring over the RealDoll's all-American bullshit backstory and BANGIN BOD like moths to a flame. With the endorsements of Pitchfork Media, Stereogum, and Gorilla Vs. Bear, Lana Del Rey was set to absorb critical amounts of manufactured buzz in the echo chamber that is the independent music blogosphere. A "homemade" video was released, mostly featuring Lana staring blankly into the camera and droning breathily through its protuberant lips, juxtaposed with lots of vintagey-looking random footage.
Music blogs of all shades were enamored with Del Rey's hokey gimmick and were super eager to suck her silicone rubber clit. Some of the more buffoonish ones gushed semen from their ears... (note: the following is not satire)
—MTV style blog
Still others chugged gallons upon gallons of the #LDR Kool-Aid.
Here's an interview where some cracks begin to show in the facade. The doll is clearly shown struggling to maintain the numerous thick layers of its fabricated personality while still trying to appear lifelike. Note the deer-in-the-headlights look when its asked about its background as well as the generally retarded, nonsensical answer to every question:
Saturday Night Live
On January 14, 2012, the Lana Del Rey RealDoll became the first inanimate object to be a musical guest on Saturday Night Live.
In a trainwreck everyone saw coming, Lana Del Rey's performance on Saturday Night Live was an absolute musical atrocity. Almost immediately, the doll's musical program began to malfunction. Lana's vocals were extremely breathy and comically off-key. As for its stage presence, imagine a dead body on strings with a microphone superglued to its hand. Analysts believe the poor vocal performance may have been due to its new lip implants, which were so large they rendered its mouth nearly inoperable. The mouth was coincidentally also where the sound was produced on the doll. While everyone with access to a keyboard blew their load on the #LDRSNL gang bang, even Brian Williams, a handsome man with a pretty voice who reads the news to old people, expressed his opinion by calling this performance "the worst SNL performance evar."
Despite its many critics, the Lana Del Rey RealDoll proved to be a success. Its debut album "Born to Die" debuted at #2 behind Adele and sold 117,000 copies in its first week. By that time, the Lana Del Rey brand had long since been tarnished. No longer able to deny the foetid musical diarrhea that poured from its enormous defective rubber lips, Lana Del Rey was shunned by indie music critics who had championed the doll before its SNL performance. Pitchfork, the prominent blog of an indie cult with many members, was forced to fall on its own sword, and pan the debut album of an artist it had already buzzed.
So who actually bought the Lana Del Rey album after all that nonsense? These people. In a development likely anticipated by its Imagineers, the Lana Del Rey doll has created a pathetic fanbase that weeps in Lana's presence, like cult members worshiping their dear leader. The Lana Del Rey RealDoll robot represents an archetype of anencephalic beauty that is so awesome that it causes the viewer to question his or her own objectively pointless indie existence.
It's only a matter of time before you are turned into a drooling, brainless follower too. Don't try to look away. Don't deny the buzz.
- The Lana Del Rey archive at HIPSTER RUNOFF (aka the 'Lana Del Report'), the definitive chronicle of the Lana Del Rey bubble
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