Laura Loomer

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Spot the Jew.

Laura Elizabeth Loomer is a fatter, Jewier, crocodile-faced version of Barbra Streisand who previously worked as a cuntservative reporter for The Rebel Media and was formerly employed by James O'Keefe's Project Veritas. At present, she's a full-time attention whore, braying at anyone who will listen. Laura is most well known for getting herself arrested after disrupting some gay Shakespeare in the Park play that depicted the assassination of The Donald and for driving around on a set of half-a-decade-old dry-rotted tires from 2011 that, by some divine miracle of God, never suffered a catastrophic failure and sent her car careening into a busload of mentally disabled elementary schoolers.

After discovering that her tires had gigantic holes in them in mid-2017, Laura quickly took to Twitter to complain that her tires had been slashed by doxing internet Neo-Nazis – because she was both a malignant attention whore too eager to grab the spotlight AND too fucking fat and stupid to understand that her tires were just plain old and were a fucking deathtrap in the making.

Early Life[edit]

Laura was so fat as a child, she was forced to eat in solitude - every meal - because they were afraid she would eat the other children. In her interview with the Jewish Daily Forward, Loomer says she got clowned on as a kid for being a morbidly obese hambeast with a large hook nose and every other student was so repulsed by her presence that she was forced to eat in solitude during every meal.

I ate every single meal by myself for an entire semester


Archive today-ico.png Laura Loomer

Loomer's kike dad raised her to identify as “ethnically, culturally and politically Jewish” yet she gets pissed anytime someone brings up the fact that she behaves like a shrill, stereotypical Jew.

Julius Caesar Play Disruption[edit]

Laura Loomer hates liberal snowflakes and is a free speech advocate, which is why her claim to fame is when she bravely shut down a Trump-themed stage performance that depicted the president in a negative light. As Loomer was being arrested for trespassing and disorderly conduct, her and a prominent gay rights activist, Jack Posobiec, can be heard shouting, “You're GERBILS! YOU'RE ALL GERBILS!”


After her brush with the law, Loomer decided that she couldn't afford her nominal disorderly conduct fines and set up a GoFundMe page to act as a legal defense fund. This campaign raised over 13,000 dollars that was never ultimately spent on any legal activities; instead, Loomer decided to spend all her sucker beta-orbiter fans' money on a nose job (because she's a proud Jew and totally not ashamed of her Jewish features).



Loomer was spotted in public recently at a local college bar and a high school senior snuck in with one of his friends. Video has surfaced of Laura making unwanted sexual advances toward the minor in question.


People on the right-wing rim started getting tired of Loomer, since bitch didn't do shit since the Shakespeare in the Park drama. Her popularity quickly plummeting, she determined she needed to make new threads, exposure makes the wheel go round, so she took to Twitter and claimed that Alt-Right neo-Nazis tracked her down and slashed her one (1) tire. But only the one.

600000 BC
Man invents fire.
9500 BC
Man invents the wheel.
2006 AD
Twitter is created.
2017 AD
Laura Loopy Loomer uses the first wheel on twitter to burn her own career.


Anyone with half a brain cell immediately recognized that the tire was ruptured and cracked due to dry-rot because it was a six year old tire.


After finding out nobody believed her totally legit hate crime story, Loomer began lashing out at fellow e-celebs and condemning them for not defending her wife's son tire.


This went from Journalism defence right into the deep sea of tire defence. Followed by a total inhalation meme bomb.


See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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Featured article August 6 & 7, 2017
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Laura Loomer Succeeded by
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