Also known as a lolsuit. Much like irl lawsuits, there is a complex and time-honored internet legal system that takes OVER 9000 hours of training at internet school. The defendant will normally be questioned about relevant evidence, previous offenses, and general education. The defendant will then be given a chance to speak, but will only have about three seconds to summarize his/her case before the jury will make up their minds before making the proper judgement. At this point, justice has been served and the trial dissolves into enlightened debate. As a result, the defendant can either appeal or accept the decision in a mature fashion.
Doing it Wrong
When a troll is fucking with your shit in a harsh way the surest way to get them to cease and desist is to scream, cry, stamp your foot, and spout obscenities. This of course, is not at all what they are looking for and is the surest way to success. When this fails, bring out the big guns and flex your knowledge of the law by making threats of physical violence over an electronic medium followed by the lolsuit.
Your typical lolsuit threat may or may not involve the following:
- I will contact the service provider and get this shut down!
- You can't defame people that way!
- You can NOT use my copyrighted work without my permission and I do NOT give it!
- I've contacted my attorney and he says I have a case.
- I KNOW THE LAW! THAT'S SLANDER!
- ISPs have new precedents for giving out the information of people that defame others on the internet!
- We need to contact the host and inform them they host a hate site.
- I know who it's coming from because I've backtraced it! And I know who's emailing and who's doing it and you've been reported to the cyber police... and the state police!
What to Expect
The Defendant and Plaintiff will both be summoned before the Honorary Judge Lolington to oversee the lolsuit in internet court. Commonly, the Plaintiff will cite their complaint and present their e-evidence in the form of screenshots, shitty fan-fiction, and photographs with shitting dick nipples shooped onto them. The Defendant may then stop to lol momentarily as he forgot about the shooping that he did and the humor of which the lolcow was milked. Once either the defendant stops laughing or eight hours has passed, whichever comes first, the lolsuit continues. The Honorable Judge Lolington will spend no more than 23 seconds coming to the verdict of TITS OR GTFO for the Plaintiff, for even he knows the silly bastard hasn't actually read the copyright act or the legal definitions of slander and libel. 22 seconds of this time should be spent staring at the plaintiff with a pained expression on the Judge's face.
Penalties for Frivolous Lolsuits
Under most circumstances, the complainant of a lolsuit will be subject to continued exposure of the sensitive information they want to keep from the public eye. (No lolsuit is ever under seal. EVAR.) This could range from either physical evidence such as screenshots to the maladjusted mentality that causes stupidity and drama to remain on full blast. Only about 1 in 4 lolsuits judgments are actually rendered favor of the Plaintiff. This is usually because the Honorable Judge Lolington was doing meth lines off of the Plaintiff's mother's ass in the Judge's chambers prior to the trial. This ruling is always over-turned by Internets Court review in short order. No exceptions. Failure to abide by the rulings is de riguer, but bringing the same charges against the same Defendants is not permitted and will result in a formal Judicial cunting (re: the Court formally announces what a cunt you are and exactly why that is, usually on ED or ...is a cunt.com, though many alternate fora exist for this purpose). The ultimate penalty for repeated and failed frivolous lolsuits will compel the Judge to declare the Plaintiff vexatious. This means you and your mom are doxed and forever denied legal recourse for anything on the internet ever. So fuck off.
Filing a Lolsuit
- Be certain to contact the individual/organization that has slandered your e-persona or "art". (And we use that word very liberally.) Scream and cry at them for awhile.
- Inform them you will invoke the law on the individual/organization in short order.
- Contact your local police or attorney and report the offense. Be sure to take print outs of your threats of violence to the perpetrator, anything furry and/or CP related.
- Report where the bad internet trolls touched you if you're not arrested.
- Record the ensuing conversation.
- Upload to ED.
- Internet court
- Internet Law
- Internet trial
- June Maxam
- Internet cardsuit (♥♦♣♠)
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