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Lesbian

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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A lesbian (also known as fagette) is a woman who seeks male attention by feigning interest in other women via the worship of pussy. If this tactic fails for a few decades they evolve regress into the dreaded butch lesbian, who express their self-hatred as disdain for the male sex. It is understandable that some women would prefer a hawt woman rather than a fat retard like you, but in reality most of them are just ugly attention whores. Most lesbians are not hawt 20 year olds as porno flicks would have you think, but fat ugly 50 somethings with deflated tits. Lesbians are fat/ugly and ugly/fat women really want attention so lesbians are women seeking male attention. Do you get it now?

Lesbians are also known as sapphites. Both words refer to Ancient Greece, where the poet Sappho molested little girls on the island of Lesbos, in the same way that men molested boys in other parts of Greece. That is, the literal historical meaning of the word "lesbian" itself would be, "An adult woman who molests little girls"; be sure to mention this important etymological fact to any lesbian you meet.

Lesbian Facts

Lesbians in the mind of a man...
Why would anyone choose to be attracted to that?!?!??!

The truth is, there is no such thing as a lesbian. These women munch carpet--or sometimes not at all--because:

A. They are too fat and/or ugly to get a man.

B. Are hot attention whores who will suck a clit or two in public while simultaneously taking a meat stick up the ass just to get her cum stained face on camera.

C. The feminist rebels who want to teach the rest of the world just how super awsum they are for being activists for gay and women's rights, but still failing to enjoy going down on other women--can you blame them?

D. Women who are perpetually almost raped and fear the cock so much that they crawl inside pussy where they think they are safe.

Epithets and Explanations

  • Dyke — a formerly always-offensive term for a lesbian, a bisexual woman, or a woman being mistaken for one of these. Naturally this term has been "reclaimed" in the same tradition as "queer", "fag", "nigger" and "furry." It can be used neutrally, unless of course the dyke in question is PMSing about her sick cat, her lesbian bed death or her dissatisfaction with the Uppity Tofu Womyn community-ed class she's teaching. Or whatever.
  • Fuzz Bumper — an appropriate name for lesbians, derived from scissoring.
  • Carpet-muncher — scientific term for lesbians, derived from the method by which two women have sex.
  • Carpetbagger — a lesbian who is on the prowl, sometimes known as a lemon squeezer
  • Lemon — an offensive term only coined by men - derived from something you ride that won't take it anymore, eg. this bike is a lemon. Hence the joke- Q: "How you you sexually arouse a lemon?" A: "Rub her citrus".
  • Rug-muncher — similar to a carpet-muncher only they like their meals to have a landing strip or be somewhat shaved.
  • Bow-Cat — Mainly used in the caribbean, this is a term used for anyone who bows before the cat and does the nasty to it.
  • Korephile — A lesbian who likes little girls.

Current Trends

In the current year, lesbians believe that teaching little girls about cunnilingus is the essence of human rights.

Feminist lesbians are a newly popular breed of self entitled women that have been around forever IRL. Sometime during the early 2000s fags and dykes both realized they had little to nothing in common but stuck together for the sake of solidarity. This rift grew and grew until society eventually relented after round-the-clock gay pride parades and demands for Will and Grace marathons. Gaytopia finally achieved, the two groups became each others' mortal enemy. Aside from having zero sexual chemistry the list of grievances was too much to hold back the tides of hatred that had been growing for years. Lesbians accused the cockmasters of being pawns of the ever oppressive patriarchy and the gays were fed up with these bitchy cunts ruining their guy time. Subsequently, lesbianism was retooled as a vehicle for further political gains in the name of women and feminist rights. Ironically now that there are men to fight the L wants nothing to do with the G or B, and vehemently despises the T, effectively shattering the rainbow coalition. With lesbianism becoming a movement instead of a sexuality as most people believe it to be every twat licker uninterested in shaving her head and burning bras has been kicked out. Girls who just ten years ago would have been labeled as flaming girl homos have instead migrated to the bisex. This leaves only the angriest and militant of short haired troll women still identified as lesbians.

Lesbian Ladder

Lesbians colonize areas gentrified by gay men and then move on quickly to the suburbs. They tend to send a lesbian or two to confuse normal heterosexual girls into thinking that they may actually not like the dick. Then others come in and there is a vampire like ritual of some sort that probably involves cunnilingus. They reproduce by choosing a guy they wish would fuck them (if they weren't so ugly) take his sperm into a mug [1] and spray it into their cunt with a straw. Regardless of this process, it tends to result in a "pyramid" social hierarchy. Usually in a group of say, two dozen lesbians, you will find the following makeup, divided by statistical number out of the 24 possible matches:

The Lesbian Hierarchy
Portiaderossi.jpg

Top rung: A typical lesbian scoping for chicks.

The Top Rung. 2 "Hot" lesbians. Lusted after by the rest, these are usually just straight girls who are "slightly confused" and have "one hot night" with someone in the group. Sometimes the two kiss each other at frat parties, post-prom parties or yuppie parties. This event is the only thing that anyone (Especially any guys present) remembers the next day. These girls always bang guys on the side and bring STD's to the group. Some very rare members of this rung are actual lesbians who honestly find bitches to be hawt and guys to be ugly. This, however, is extremely rare. Like "finding intelligence on Gaia" rare.

Typical "lesbian" behavior on the Internets.
Combined, two ugly girls are still only sorta not hawt.
Typical.png

Middle rung: A typical lesbian scoping for chicks. She was going to leave her house to go to university wearing a giant comedy bow tie but the transsexual she lives with lent her their scarf.

The Middle Rung. 4 "Okay" lesbians. They're "pretty sure" that they're lesbians, are probably art students, and bring straight girls over to their "cultured" apartment to watch "indie movies" - really just Feminazi propaganda. Usually they're okay-looking, maybe a big nose, a slight gut or something. They are lusted after by cosplayers and the bottom rung of lesbians. Every once in a while, they "crave a cock" and are bitched at for betraying the Coven.

John belushi animal house.jpg

Bottom rung: A typical lesbian scoping for chicks.

The Bottom Rung. 18 "Butch" lesbians (See Oprah, Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen, your Mother, and so forth.) Fat, chubby, obese, round, ugly bitches with jeans and buzzed hair, who woke up to the fact they are too ugly to date boys even when they were young and decided to become lesbians for at least some strap-on-Bilbo action. They practice a "masculine" voice until they sound vaguely like Bart Simpson. Usually they are in a showing of The Vagina Monologues at some community theater. In the workplace, they claim to do all the work and whine in the backroom about how everyone is persecuting them because they're queer. Maybe they used to be persecuted for being nuns. Their only male friends are of course gay and play cricket. Sound familiar? If any one of these is in the management where you work, QUIT YOUR JOB NOW/KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!

Note: These are also the average lesbians you meet on the Internets, if it's not a man, that is. They can also be not fat, but UGLY, meaning no guy wants them, so they act like they wouldn't want to fuck guys at all (Also known as "playing lesbian". Now if only they knew how to play dead), while in reality they cry to their dried out pussies.

This study was provided by the University of Chicago's team of Log Cabin Anthropologists.

Internet Lesbian

Internet lesbians usually take pictures of "themselves" beside a computer in order to prove they are actual lesbians.

Unlike the realm of real life, the Internet is FILLED with lesbians and don't let anyone tell you differently. Just look around in any local sex only AIM chat room and you will pleasantly surprised by an undoubtedly tasteful and respectful show of class and sophistication. Behind each charming "luv2lckurpussy" is a real life girl with real life feelings and she is definitely a girl and not a horrible hambeast with 12 real dolls and a restraining order. She is probably beating off to the thought of your smile right now!

An internet lesbian is like a lesbian, but with a penis (Not to be confused with shemale). The reasons for this are multitude. Historically, most people who have had a profound desire for vaginas have been men. Adding to this set of circumstances, the one segment of the population interested in converting women to lesbianism has been men. This creates quite a problem. The way some men hope to solve this paradox is to become lesbians themselves -- and some succeed at this enterprise. Although the more common reaction is the creation of a LiveJournal so they might spin their daily tales of woe.

But what of those men who do not want to saw their penises off? As luck would have it, the internets were born -- where every man can seek lesbian love without any drastic reconstructive surgery, or any commitment. If you're in desperate need for unrequited love and admiration on the Internets you only need to declare your latent love for the vagina in the presence of stupid gullible retards. An internet lesbian merely has to go on a chat room, ask other women if they are lesbians, and behold, "she" will now hook up with another internet lesbian. It's an ancient rite that has been occurring since the very dawn of the Internet as we know it and will only continue with each new generation of sexually frustrated fucktards.

Cybersex will thus ensue, and both participants will never talk to each other -- both content to think that "she" serviced and was serviced by an actual lesbian. Sometimes though, two Internet Lesbians will find each other, and much lulz will result.

lust4luv: *licks inside you deeper and rubs my hands over your warm, soft skin*
2hot4guys: *moans softly as i shove my HARD COCK DOWN YOUR THROAT*
lust4luv: wtf? your a girl.
2hot4guys: lol. pwned.
lust4luv: im a guy... i just wanted to cyber with a hot girl...
lust4luv: at least i came...
lust4luv: *cires*
-[ lust4luv left the chat ]-
2hot4guys: the fuck. that was fucked up.
Sleep sex is okay for anime e-lesbanes because there's no ponos involved.

Also note, lesbians are ugly, so that wouldn't work anyways.

Most Internet Lesbian forums are filled with hard hitting questions and insightful stories into personal relationships. If not filled with 16 year old girls, every thread is filled with feminazi propaganda over how you will be raped if you even consider standing next to a man, which is 100% fact unless you've seen that scary documentary about women raping other women. Any lesbian forum is completely serious business as Regina just had a really, really hard time telling Mike that his penis is the source of her oppression and it would be like totally not cool if you said anything mean to her ever, you stupid MAN. Recently, Yahoo Answers has taken the lead in fervently answering all pertinent questions posed by gullible 13 year olds regarding their sexuality, however, lesbian forums still exist with many as useless as they've always been.

Common Internet Lesbian topics.

Lesbians usually know everything and if you ever attempt to correct them on even the most basic of facts they will immediately declare you a man, the bane of any group of lesbians. It is common knowledge that men will stop at nothing at attempting to harness lesbians for their evil penises. Therefore, any Internet lesbian must be particularly vigilant, lest she be raped at least like five hundred billion times over her AOL connection. Almost all lesbians will speak of this in their live journals.

Lesbian Sexuality

   
 
Two vaginas isn't sex, it's a cry for help.
 

 
 

Milo Yiannopoulos

All aboard the Lesbian Train. Note the hairy cooch of the one on the far right.
It is theorized that this is how lesbians have sex.

For a lesbian it is common for them to experience Lesbian Invisibility, claiming that they are forgotten, ignored or excluded by those who possess a genuine sexuality. This may explain why there was no entry for "lesbian" on Encyclopedia Dramatica for over a month after its creation.

To combat lesbian invisibility, many lesbians take up such shocking fads as fashion, hair and political views. Why is the new woman in the office wearing a quarter inch buzz cut and denim overalls? Because she'd be invisible otherwise. She could always just dress like everyone else and get the same amount of recognition but no, the gays of both sexes seek not just special rights, but special recognition. So now everyone has to be tolerant of face melting pride parades and disgusting, loud, obese women with necrotic thighs scream about how they're being oppressed by an unseen diabolical woman hating conspiracy.

Sapphic Sex Practices

The way lesbians have sex is currently unknown and shrouded in mystery. It is suspected they all secretly love the cock because they seem fond of using phallic-shaped dildos or vibrators. This sort of lesbian is prone to violent assault by actual lesbians who don't like anything penis-shaped including bananas, cucumbers, hot-dogs, and skyscrapers. Preliminary research suggests that lesbians copulate through mutual hatred, petty bickering, and heated arguments over the state of bathroom towels. This is a shock and mystery to the scientific community because it has long been theorized that lesbians are harmed by regular daily hygiene. With their constant stench of fish and silent fury you would think they haven't seen water since the last time they were turned down by what they were willing to sleep with that contained a penis, presumably.

According to the Bible, being a lesbian isn't technically a crime against God since the only homosexuality mentioned is the cock in ass variation. It seems JEEEEEEEEEESUS is so busy fapping to lesbian porn that he has yet to give his opinion on the matter. England agreed when the Queen collectively called the bleeding cunts a collective of confused whores and did not include them in the country's sodomy laws.

Further Reading

Nuvola
Moar info: Scissoring.
Nuvola
Moar info: Lesbian bed death.

"Daddy's Money" Lesbian

All lesbians are really just seeking male attention.
Every lesbian story starts with "We had both had way too much to drink..."

A "Daddy's money" lesbian is a female college student who has never had sex with another woman and who has a boyfriend she will probably marry soon after graduation, but nevertheless declares loudly and frequently that she is in fact a daughter of Sappho. Typical statements include "I know I've never eaten pussy, but I, like, totally want to" and "I feel it's important that we, as womynkind, connect spiritually and sexually but I'm just not attracted to you." The name itself comes from another commonly-heard battle cry, "Listen Daddy, you're going to have to find a way to come to terms with the fact that I am a powerful, beautiful woman who loves other powerful, beautiful womyn. Also, I need you to transfer over $9000 into my checking account."


She will most usually break up with her boyfriend in her sophomore year in order to be true to her new-found lesbian nature, but will get back together with him late in her junior year, when she realizes that she has no interest in carpet-munching at all. During this time she will also undergo an intense infatuation with veganism. This is typically for the best, because it takes the responsibility off the boyfriend having to suffer through the whole "wannabe lesbian" phase. This has the added side bonus of freeing him from all the personality and lifestyle "quirks" that accompany it, resulting in the return of a much more stable, humble tart who will happily get back in the kitchen and make him a sammich. I mean, what guy in his right mind wants to suffer through the whole vegan, Indigo Girls, raving super psycho bitch thing anyway?

Every "Daddy's money" lesbian has been almost raped "at least a hundred times", or at least as many times as it takes for the other lesbians to accept her whiny bitch story of why she hates men. This type of lesbian often grows Ass antlers.

Lesbian Confessions

500 lesbian confessions


   
 
FIRST, I DOUBT I AM STRAIGHT, SINCE I ATE OUT 2GIRLS IN MY LIFE AND HAD 1 LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP. FOR SOME REASON I HAVE A DIFFERENT FEELING FOR WOMEN THEN I DO WITH MEN ITS MORE INTENSE.I THINK SEXUALLY ABOUT THEM.
 

 
 

—Common Lesbian

   
 
TROGDOR NEEDS HELP COMING OUT, TROGDOR IS IN STATE OF DEPRESSION CUZ TROGDOR WILL BE REJECTED IF TROGDOR TURNS OUT LESBIAN. TROGDORS PARENTS DISLIKE GAYS OR LESBIANS.
 

 
 

—Trogdor

   
 
welll it started like 2 yrs ago..i gess it ws hard....i had a crsuh on my best freind...and i toldd my other freind about it...but bk then...i went away 4 the week end..and she started txing me sayin do u like me coz i like u and stuff like that....soo i texed her bk sayin yes i do like u 2...well then i got all theese weird texes saying "its wrong u shudent like me we are best freinds
 

 
 

—Common Lesbian experiencing pain

   
 
i open the door to find a frantic mom. the first ting she said to me was "you...dyke. you..have ruied everything!" then she slapped me. i fell to the floor and after that all that was said and done is kind of blurry.
 

 
 

—Common Lesbian ruieing everything

Fat Dykes

We r so ttly HAAAAWT, FUCK GUYS THEY CAN'T HANDLE ALL OF DIS!!! Nor can a forklift mind you.
Fat dykes ruin vaginas for everyone.

A fat dyke is a dyke who is fat (Pretty fucking mind-blowing, huh?) Typically the chances of lesbianism metastasizing increases in relation to the waistline of this walking horror with tits. No man or woman willingly fucks a fatty and with no remaining outlets for sexual attention outside of sad dildo sex, fat dykes turn to their own kind. That is what makes them STRONG and INDEPENDENT. Which is to say, to be as independent of men as they are of their diets. Elastic is your friend, ladies. Girl power!

The entire alluring idea of a dyke is everything the fat dyke isn't thus making her jealous of black women and gay bears. Fortunately, no one likes fat people so the plague of 16 year old fat girls desperate for lens flare and LJ comments is held at bay. This enrages the burgeoning bulldykes and inevitably the fat dyke evolves into a lesbian bitch out of jealous rage of 13 second college lesbians.

Recently it was thought that obesity and a feigned interest in the Lifetime channel was the domain of lesbians fresh from failed college or a woman destined to fill the horrible void in her heart with knitting. Now with the advent of giving a podium to every self important teenager in America everything has changed! Remember that girl in high school no one liked due to an interest in motor oil spawned from her dad beating her and her personal favorite activity of speaking about herself at every chance? Now her and every other girl with a similar boring and easily mocked existence is a lesbian!

If you (and most people capable of conscious thought) think that this in no way changes your opinion of her, then you should totally just STEP BACK. You are totally being a HOMOPHOBE and if you don't praise her inability to socially react to criticism in any other way than accusative discrimination then you are just CLOSEMINDED and possibly RACIST. How dare you not accept her terrible fat rolls and shitty demeanor! She's a LESBIAN and has an Instagram and has totally found a girlfriend. Has she had sex or a meaningful conversation with this person outside of poor grammar and mind numbing emoticons? Hell no! She has an alternative sexuality, so what use is thought and logic to her? After all she has Instagram shots to take with her new girlfriend who she is totally serious with. Fuck thought!

Fat Dyke Talking Points

  • Fat dykes are ugly.
  • Because she is a dyke first and fat second, she is not a secret fatty.
  • The fat dyke will still use fat girl angle shots to disguise her fattiness in order to attract "weekend lesbians".
  • Fat dykes are the only type of dykes that do not suffer from Lesbian Invisibility. Anything that large is VERY visible.
  • Angry fat dykes often smoke.
  • Fat dykes do not give great head despite their attraction to phallic objects.
  • During the winter season, vast herds of fat dykes migrate south in search of more carpet to devour.
  • A fat dyke only scissors with another fat dyke who is as fat and dyke-y as she is, due mostly to the fact that anyone below the equilibrium will most likely be crushed.

Girl Queer Media

Science has proven that money can completely alter a woman's sexual orientation.
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Signs of Being a Lesbian Bitch

Some Bulldykes are serious business.
Dykes are often times vicious and are known to suddenly charge.

There are many signs to tell early on whether these closeted homosexuals are faggots before they actually come out:


  • When they make statements like, "My parents think I'm gay LOLZ, but even if I was why would it matter? They can't tell me what to do."
  • She is usually a spoiled brat and cries when daddy didn't buy her the best car, and will do ANYTHING to get back at him. Including attempting suicide. Note: She will not actually do it, she will just threaten her parents with maybe a slice or two to "prove her point".
  • Claims of mistreatment by parents for attention. "My daddy hit me, WAHHHH! This will show him!"
  • She is hated by all straight girls at her school, because they secretly want to fuck her. This is in accordance with the theory that all women are secretly lesbians until they turn 21 unfortunately not!
  • All her friends are all dyke basketball players and guys who want to get some action, because they know she'll put out to prove she's not gay.

  • She didn't want to have a reputation as a slut, so she turned gay to "clear her rep". This type is most easily identified by her overnight transformation from skanky cheerleader to fat trucker with a buzz cut.
  • She has had many failed relationships and says she is "FED UP WITH GUYZZZZ!!!!" just because the guy she likes doesn't have feelings for her. She then proceeds to date the female equivalent of Jack the Ripper, and soon turns to suicide because "society doesn't get her." This is a good kind of lesbian, as it produces much win.
  • She dresses in men's clothes (Not to be confused with a tomboy, who wears men's clothing and still tries to be a female.)
  • She wears flamboyantly colored sockz. Apparently.
  • She is ugly as fuck in the eyes of mankind.
  • Her hair is shorter than a jew in a holocaust.
  • Her name is Rachel.

These are a signs of a spoiled brat not being "happy with life". She becomes gay because she thinks the only person in the world that can love her is the fat, butch basketball player who has been secretly sending her love notes. She only pretends she is happy and acts like she is in love just to make it look like she has moved on with everything else. But still, no one cares about you.

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