Linkin Park

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Linkin Park's main source of income.
Never forget.

Cactus fuckers also known as Linkin Park (Often fagged up as Lincoln Park by Grammar Nazis) is a shitty band that is known for having the most headache-inducing, screaming, angst-filled lyrics in history. This constant, pointless fake-rage makes them immensely popular with the current generation of depressed non-conforming spoiled teenagers living in the suburbs that think their lives are hard. They are known throughout the internets by being on nearly every LiveJournal post (under "listening to") and being the soundtrack to EVERY SINGLE AMV on YouTube. There is a rumor that they were once a decent band, back when they weren't fucking capitalist pop stars. Instead, they were broke guys who made demo tapes in Shinoda's mom's bedroom who called themselves Xero. Some argue that they are pioneers of rap-metal but it is a known fact that Rage Against The Machine has done it long ago, and Faith No More did it before them with the song "Epic," proving that Linkin Park are in fact posers. Members include a skinhead, a wigger, a gook as a DJ, two Jews and a douchebag. Well at least they don't have double jewish rappers like Crazy Town.

Lyrical Themes[edit]

Typical Linkin Park subject matter.
More typical Linkin Park merch sold at concerts
More typical Linkin Park subject matter

Linkin Park specializes in angst-ridden music concerning such topics as depression,ants crawling up one's foreskin, self injury, being grounded by dad, loss of one's iPod (thus leading them to become an hero), being one step closer to the edge, getting raped in the ass by daddy, being about to break and the individual's suffering in an uncaring society of cruelty and ridicule. Every single word in every single Linkin Park song is a metaphor for either cocks or cock sucking. The average Linkin Park song contains the words "myself", "pain" and "lie(s)" over 9000 times. In their newest album, they tried to prove that they have 'grown up' by providing shallow mockery of political themes. As usual fanbois dig it and proclaimed "THIS STUFF IS SO DEEP LOLX". Currently their music is used to aurally torture prisoners in Guantanamo.

CRAWWWWWLING IN MY SKINZZZZZZ. THIS ORRRRANGE WILL NOT PEEEEEEEEL!


TL;DR? Only listen to Linkin Park with tampons firm in hand, because they are crying bloody pussies

Musical Attributes[edit]

Linkin Park fanart.
Never forget.

Linkin Park basically decided to be trolls IRL by crossing the two most abysmally horrid types of music ever conceived: pop and hip hop. Their painfully formulaic music generally consists of a simple synth melody (sometimes being spiced up with a flute or something OMG), which then launches into one of the three sets of grungy, heavily-distorted powerchord or drop-D chord progressions that they use for every song which basically repeats throughout, accompanied by the poppin' fresh rap of Mike Shinoda and the wistfully dulcet prepubescent/ever-so-tormented screaming vocals of Chester Bennington. Mike Shinoda's robotic voice mercilessly spits verses of haiku as a pitiful excuse for lyrics. Also, their drummer is a Jew, and thoroughly enjoys Lemon Party. The guitarist WHO WEARS HEADPHONES EVERY FUCKING TIME is also a Jew, and had the bad luck of getting happily married before he became famous, therefore missing out on all the 16-year-old pussy the rest of the band regularly taps. If you don't believe that they are emo, listen to "Bleed It Out", though be warned. After listening to it, you'd wish you had a time machine so that you could go back in time and kill yourself before listening to "Bleed It Out" and consequently becoming emo.

Linkin Park is not emo.

(Warning: This song was written about tampons)

I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY

In 2002 they released an OMG SO ATMOSPHERIC remix album "Reanimation". In this album, everyone in Linkin Park became niggers and OVER 9000 guest rappers and mixers were called in to fag up their entire first album, which turned it from a train wreck into an air crash. Akin to polishing a turd. The song titles were also obviously re-written by a 13-year-old which truly showed who's really behind the creative energy of the band. Among the exhibits of graet speln skillz were PTS.OF.ATHRTY, KRWLNG, RN>AWY, p5HING_ME_A//Y, OMGWTFBBQ and the smash hit KTHXBAI.


Linkin park has this super bonus special move: they use one line repetitively in place of five separate ones. Scientists believe that the average Linkin Park song contains roughly seven words and that the average album has almost fifteen! Isn't math wonderful?

How to make a Linkin Park song[edit]

One fine day on DeviantArt, some guy named LordOfStamps made an informative and well-written essay about the LP songwriting process:

  1. The song should be about "pain" because that's what 85% of Linkin Park songs are about.
  2. The lyrics should be written on the level of 13 year old emo girl poetry.
  3. The song should follow the "quiet electronica part-loud guitar part" cliche that Linkin Park overuses.
  4. Have an interesting electronic part at the beginning........which will then be runied by a cliched power chord riff that any idiot can play.
  5. Ruin the song even more by allowing Chester Bennington to screech with his obnoxious,prepubescent,six-year-old-boy voice.
  6. Allow Mike Shinoda to show off his lack of rapping skils. After all he is incapable of rapping on more than one note.
  7. Bassist? Who cares? You can't hear him.
  8. The drummer won't be doing anything interesting. Don't worry about him.
  9. Reuse the exact same simple guitar riff on future songs.
  10.  ????
  11. PROFIT!

WTF[edit]

Many people have wondered what the screaming is all about. Many Linkin Park fans were then butthurt over the following video (which incidentally wins on virtually every level, parodying the emotards without descending into unfunny ranting):

A fanboi's reaction to the video:


   
 
lp is my favorite band okay and when i see this i just want to kome kick the shit out of you. Yer just saying you like LP becuz you don't want people to get mad. No true fan would do this shit. linkin park is the best band ever too bad you're 2 gay 2 realize that but shut the fuck up you're a fag if you diss lp plane and simple you deserve to go def because abvouslee you have no idea what good music is and i;ll b over ere with the smart people listening to lp. LP FORVER!!
 

 
 

a bawwing fanboy, abvouslee

Note how this rimjob enthusiast cleverly employs interesting spelling variations of certain words in the hopes of his poor grammatical existence seeming intentional.


   
 
2:40 just takes the piss, linkin park's CD dont belong in the "bargin bin" they belong in the "WORLD'S BEST BAND". . . shop and 1:33 is true though i'm 13 but i got into LP at about 10
 

 
 

butthurt fanboy , Starting to listen to LP when you are 10 years old is cool

Note how Chester dryhumps his mic stand all throughout the video. He has a mic fetish.

Minutes to Midnight Pre-Release[edit]

Before their new album "Minutes to Midnight" could be released, the whole album was leaked, and over 9000 teenagers committed suicide, because of the intensive whining from Chester Bennington and the band's decision to throw a few f-bombs on the album to "be cool". Turns out, the leaked album was from a Eurofag rap metal group, Tribal Ink. Compared to the faggy and watered-down songs of MTM, Tribal Ink was actually better than that of Linkin Park's.

The band told everyone on the internetz that this album was going to be their movement towards "progressive rock". While this album was different because of their new producer Rick (((((((((((((((Rubin))))))))))))))) (moar like Dick Jewbin, amirite?), he used his money making formula to make Linkin Park as emo as they were originally, by simply not letting Shinoda do his hip-hop thing because Rick thought he was still involved with Fort Minor. The lead single from the album, "What I've Done" was used for the ending of the Transformers movie, thus ruining the entire movie. This of course then made it the default song for all Transformers Jewtube tributes.

Hands Held High[edit]

"An asinine anti-Bush diatribe on which multi-millionaire Mike Shinoda seethes that folk can’t afford gas no more."

This was the song description according to Dan, a music critic, that gave a low score to the new album. Some faggot couldn't stand this and immediately made a response:


   
 
WTF!!!! f*** u DAN

u dont even seem like knowing what ur talkin about, or plz make sure u heard the right album!!! it shows that u hate linkin park, but u shouldn't let ur feelings blind the common sense witch is missing in ur review for SURE!!! Critics should be ashamed u being one of them, if u don’t like the album u must at least have some decency or even some taste in music not to attack them that way,

linkin park: great band great album 5 stars lp for life..

dan silver: “a bad critic who should be fired for speaking non sense
 


 
 

—typical 12-year-old fan



A Thousand Suns[edit]

Late 2010, Linkin Park released a new album titled "A Thousand Suns" or just "Thousand Suns". To half of LP fags, it gave them butthurt due to the large amount of swearing and assness of each track. Half the album is 30 second to 1 minute tracks and almost all of them are daisy chained together sounding like one fucking track. To the other half, they remained the cock sucking zombies they are, ate the shit, and smiled. But hey, the rapping is back. In track "Blackout" Chester channels his inner Ke$ha and raps like he's on gunpoint. Shinoda's no better, as he channels T-Pain and robotically mutters random words from an Ayn Rand book and saying NOOOOOO at the end of each verse

While LP used to be called their own genre, this album sounds like EVERY genre. Electronic, reggae, rock, rap, Balinese, porno soundtrack, and more. You know it's bad when you watch a long time LP fan listen to one track and pop the disc out, then proceed to piss, shit, and vomit on it.

The album cover looks something like what would happen if you took Goatse and applied Lens Flare to it.

Linkin Park's "A Thousand Suns" = Insane Clown Posse 2: Electric Boogaloo.


   
 
AND ALL THE PEOPLE SAY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh when they come for me, I'll be gone
 


 
 

—Next hit of 2011


Linkin Park Underground 8[edit]

Unsurprisingly, Linkin Park's most controversial album.
Linkinpark.jpg

In late 2008 the band had become indignant over growing outcry from their exclusive fanclub that people were paying $40 a year to get an exclusive CD that contained live versions of the same 8 songs for about six years, a plan was hatched, and so Linkin Park Underground 8: MMM...COOKIES - Sweet Hamster Like Jewels From America! was released; filled with songs such as Bubbles and PB N' Jellyfish.

While the album itself was as funny as expected, the real fun came in inciting their emotional fanbase. Emos and weeaboos cried greasy tears of indignation across the internet, enraged that their beloved band had played them fine. With that, Linkin Park joined the ranks of many other bands that have trolled their fans due to their own butthurt, making it the first time in years that they had done anything remotely entertaining.

And then in one of the most pathetic examples of Troll's Remorse in years, Mike Shinoda pussed out and apologized for the album about 2 hours later on his blog.


   
 
I’m going to post something on my blog as soon as I can wrap my head around the stuff going on regarding the new LPU CD “MMM…Cookies.” This new LPU CD was intended to be something fun that we could all enjoy: a lighter CD of music, meant to be silly.

Although some people think the CD is great (I think it’s hilarious), I have read some comments on the LPUMB that said they felt like we were “slapping the fans in the face” with this CD. For any of you who think we “did this as a fuck you to the fans,” I can wholeheartedly assure you that there is absolutely no scenario where that would ever be the case. In our minds, you would laugh with us about this CD in the same way that you laugh with the funniest moments of LPTV or the “Frat Party” DVD. Some of you responded this way to the CD, and some did not.

I’ll address it later. But for now, I want to assure you that our only intention with the LPU CD, as with all our fan club endeavors, is to create a fan club that you can enjoy and is worth your time. If anyone was let down by the CD, I sincerely apologize.
 


 
 

—Mike Shinoda, selling out as usual.

They then turned around and made another shitty Transformers themesong.

In their latest round of faggotry, they have licensed some of their shit to Medal of Honor. Its meant to boost morale of American gunfodder. For an additional 9 grand, they would also license their shit to the Taliban but poor Taliban no Amrican dollor no afford.

Linkin Park 8-Bit Rebellion[edit]

The band released an iPhone game called 8-Bit Rebellion. This is actually the new album for 2010.


   
 
Its pretty cool. You play as the band members and shoot enemies. If you beat the game, you unlock a new song! Its pretty cool! Not selling out. Now go and buy it!
 

 
 

—Mike Shinoda


   
 
woohooo! I always wanted to play as my favorite band lip syncing to their music live! Is there a cock sucking mini-game? This is a dream come true!
 

 
 

—A true Linkin Park fan

Linkin Park Fans[edit]

Linkin Park fans are of course the faggiest among faggotry. They are often just 13 year old boys or emo girls who live in the suburbs complaining about how their parents treat them unfairly and their life is horrible. And of course we all know having a horrible life ONLY MEANS that you have parents that don't constantly give you everything you want and makes you do homework? Each one of them plays the "my opinion card."

   
 
no there not just go back to ur video games and ceep wishing ull ever get a girl friend
 

 
 

—A faggy 13 year old boy

   
 
LP is not just for emo people. Yes, i agree with what was posted under this header, but I listen to them because, well, I like the style. The words dont speak to me or some crazy emo thing like that, its just a song.
 

 
 

—A Linkin Park fan

   
 
FU!!!!!!!!!!
 

 
 

—A typical fantard

   
 
linkin park forever!!chester and mike and group are the fokind craks!!
 

 
 

—They're the fokind craks!!

Yeah I'm your fuckin' daddy now![edit]

Chester Bennington was raised by a single father who was tricked some slut in to raising her whore baby. His father left his whore mom at the age of 10 because he wasn't gonna be cucked by some dumb slut... Then raised her bastard slut baby anyways! On top of being an unwanted bastard, Chester Bennington was also diddled as a kid (which is the only time in his life someone was willing to engage in sex with him without money). 4chan decided that it was unfair that Chester never know who his daddy was or have any videos to remember, so they decided e-slueth to find Chester's father and put together a compilation of the happy times that they spent together.


ChesterJohn.jpg
YOU THINK YOU'RE HOT SHIT DONCHA? YOU WILL CALL ME YOUR FATHER!
Chester and his Biological father in happier times!
YEAH I'M YOU'RE FUCKIN' DADDY NOW!

Some would argue, "this is litterally just some made up shit to troll friends, family, and fans who are mourning. To say that this is real is to spit in the memory of Chester", however you can just call whoever argues that in response a shill faggot then accuse them of being a pedo and covering up the truth.

An Hero[edit]

Chester creates a net positive impact for his family
Proof she wasn't hacked, also was tweeted before the news broke
He $pent so much, and got so hard, but in the end, his penis didn't matter

On 20 July 2017 it was announced that front man Chester Bennington actually listened to a Linkin Park album and realizing what a sissy, emo voice he had and how big of a loser he really was, he became an hero by hanging himself.
It will probably be announced later, to avoid the emo stigma of suicide that Chester the molester was just trying to get a nut David Carradine style and accidently hanged himself while dressed up in his mother's bra and panties because it has been eons since he had any relevance and most of his original fans having already killed themselves, there were no more late teenagers who would be impressed enough to give up the ass for an autograph or who wouldn't just stand there and laugh in the face of a 45 year old man wearing a concert tee, leather jacket and sporting stretched ear lobes using the line, I used to be famous.
Not surprisingly, the world still moves on. It's not like he was David Bowie. Now there's someone who is missed.

Chesterwife4.png
WELL, SHE'S NOT WRONG...

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