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Cactus fuckers also known as Linkin Park (Often fagged up as Lincoln Park by Grammar Nazis) is a shitty band that is known for having the most headache-inducing, screaming, angst-filled lyrics in history. This constant, pointless fake-rage makes them immensely popular with the current generation of depressed non-conforming spoiled teenagers living in the suburbs that think their lives are hard. They are known throughout the internets by being on nearly every LiveJournal post (under "listening to") and being the soundtrack to EVERY SINGLE AMV on YouTube. There is a rumor that they were once a decent band, back when they weren't fucking capitalist pop stars. Instead, they were broke guys who made demo tapes in Shinoda's mom's bedroom who called themselves Xero. Some argue that they are pioneers of rap-metal but it is a known fact that Rage Against The Machine has done it long ago, and Faith No More did it before them with the song "Epic," proving that Linkin Park are in fact posers. Members include a skinhead, a wigger, a gook as a DJ, two Jews and a douchebag. Well at least they don't have double jewish rappers like Crazy Town.
- 1 Lyrical Themes
- 2 Musical Attributes
- 3 How to make a Linkin Park song
- 4 WTF
- 5 Minutes to Midnight Pre-Release
- 6 Hands Held High
- 7 A Thousand Suns
Linkin Park specializes in angst-ridden music concerning such topics as depression,ants crawling up one's foreskin, self injury, being grounded by dad, loss of one's iPod (thus leading them to become an hero), being one step closer to the edge, getting raped in the ass by daddy, being about to break and the individual's suffering in an uncaring society of cruelty and ridicule. Every single word in every single Linkin Park song is a metaphor for either cocks or cock sucking. The average Linkin Park song contains the words "myself", "pain" and "lie(s)" over 9000 times. In their newest album, they tried to prove that they have 'grown up' by providing shallow mockery of political themes. As usual fanbois dig it and proclaimed "THIS STUFF IS SO DEEP LOLX". Currently their music is used to aurally torture prisoners in Guantanamo.
CRAWWWWWLING IN MY SKINZZZZZZ. THIS ORRRRANGE WILL NOT PEEEEEEEEL!
Linkin Park basically decided to be trolls IRL by crossing the two most abysmally horrid types of music ever conceived: pop and hip hop. Their painfully formulaic music generally consists of a simple synth melody (sometimes being spiced up with a flute or something OMG), which then launches into one of the three sets of grungy, heavily-distorted powerchord or drop-D chord progressions that they use for every song which basically repeats throughout, accompanied by the poppin' fresh rap of Mike Shinoda and the wistfully dulcet prepubescent/ever-so-tormented screaming vocals of Chester Bennington. Mike Shinoda's robotic voice mercilessly spits verses of haiku as a pitiful excuse for lyrics. Also, their drummer is a Jew, and thoroughly enjoys Lemon Party. The guitarist WHO WEARS HEADPHONES EVERY FUCKING TIME is also a Jew, and had the bad luck of getting happily married before he became famous, therefore missing out on all the 16-year-old pussy the rest of the band regularly taps. If you don't believe that they are emo, listen to "Bleed It Out", though be warned. After listening to it, you'd wish you had a time machine so that you could go back in time and kill yourself before listening to "Bleed It Out" and consequently becoming emo.
(Warning: This song was written about tampons)
I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY I BLEED IT OUT DIGGIN DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY
In 2002 they released an OMG SO ATMOSPHERIC remix album "Reanimation". In this album, everyone in Linkin Park became niggers and OVER 9000 guest rappers and mixers were called in to fag up their entire first album, which turned it from a train wreck into an air crash. Akin to polishing a turd. The song titles were also obviously re-written by a 13-year-old which truly showed who's really behind the creative energy of the band. Among the exhibits of graet speln skillz were PTS.OF.ATHRTY, KRWLNG, RN>AWY, p5HING_ME_A//Y, OMGWTFBBQ and the smash hit KTHXBAI.
Linkin park has this super bonus special move: they use one line repetitively in place of five separate ones. Scientists believe that the average Linkin Park song contains roughly seven words and that the average album has almost fifteen! Isn't math wonderful?
How to make a Linkin Park song
- The song should be about "pain" because that's what 85% of Linkin Park songs are about.
- The lyrics should be written on the level of 13 year old emo girl poetry.
- The song should follow the "quiet electronica part-loud guitar part" cliche that Linkin Park overuses.
- Have an interesting electronic part at the beginning........which will then be runied by a cliched power chord riff that any idiot can play.
- Ruin the song even more by allowing Chester Bennington to screech with his obnoxious,prepubescent,six-year-old-boy voice.
- Allow Mike Shinoda to show off his lack of rapping skils. After all he is incapable of rapping on more than one note.
- Bassist? Who cares? You can't hear him.
- The drummer won't be doing anything interesting. Don't worry about him.
- Reuse the exact same simple guitar riff on future songs.
Many people have wondered what the screaming is all about. Many Linkin Park fans were then butthurt over the following video (which incidentally wins on virtually every level, parodying the emotards without descending into unfunny ranting):
A fanboi's reaction to the video:
—a bawwing fanboy, abvouslee
Note how Chester dryhumps his mic stand all throughout the video. He has a mic fetish.
Minutes to Midnight Pre-Release
Before their new album "Minutes to Midnight" could be released, the whole album was leaked, and over 9000 teenagers committed suicide, because of the intensive whining from Chester Bennington and the band's decision to throw a few f-bombs on the album to "be cool". Turns out, the leaked album was from a Eurofag rap metal group, Tribal Ink. Compared to the faggy and watered-down songs of MTM, Tribal Ink was actually better than that of Linkin Park's.
The band told everyone on the internetz that this album was going to be their movement towards "progressive rock". While this album was different because of their new producer Rick (((((((((((((((Rubin))))))))))))))) (moar like Dick Jewbin, amirite?), he used his money making formula to make Linkin Park as emo as they were originally, by simply not letting Shinoda do his hip-hop thing because Rick thought he was still involved with Fort Minor. The lead single from the album, "What I've Done" was used for the ending of the Transformers movie, thus ruining the entire movie. This of course then made it the default song for all Transformers Jewtube tributes.
Hands Held High
"An asinine anti-Bush diatribe on which multi-millionaire Mike Shinoda seethes that folk can’t afford gas no more."
This was the song description according to Dan, a music critic, that gave a low score to the new album. Some faggot couldn't stand this and immediately made a response:
—typical 12-year-old fan
A Thousand Suns
Late 2010, Linkin Park released a new album titled "A Thousand Suns" or just "Thousand Suns". To half of LP fags, it gave them butthurt due to the large amount of swearing and assness of each track. Half the album is 30 second to 1 minute tracks and almost all of them are daisy chained together sounding like one fucking track. To the other half, they remained the cock sucking zombies they are, ate the shit, and smiled. But hey, the rapping is back. In track "Blackout" Chester channels his inner Ke$ha and raps like he's on gunpoint. Shinoda's no better, as he channels T-Pain and robotically mutters random words from an Ayn Rand book and saying NOOOOOO at the end of each verse
While LP used to be called their own genre, this album sounds like EVERY genre. Electronic, reggae, rock, rap, Balinese, porno soundtrack, and more. You know it's bad when you watch a long time LP fan listen to one track and pop the disc out, then proceed to piss, shit, and vomit on it.
—Next hit of 2011
Linkin Park Underground 8
In late 2008 the band had become indignant over growing outcry from their exclusive fanclub that people were paying $40 a year to get an exclusive CD that contained live versions of the same 8 songs for about six years, a plan was hatched, and so Linkin Park Underground 8: MMM...COOKIES - Sweet Hamster Like Jewels From America! was released; filled with songs such as Bubbles and PB N' Jellyfish.
While the album itself was as funny as expected, the real fun came in inciting their emotional fanbase. Emos and weeaboos cried greasy tears of indignation across the internet, enraged that their beloved band had played them fine. With that, Linkin Park joined the ranks of many other bands that have trolled their fans due to their own butthurt, making it the first time in years that they had done anything remotely entertaining.
And then in one of the most pathetic examples of Troll's Remorse in years, Mike Shinoda pussed out and apologized for the album about 2 hours later on his blog.
—Mike Shinoda, selling out as usual.
They then turned around and made another shitty Transformers themesong.
In their latest round of faggotry, they have licensed some of their shit to Medal of Honor. Its meant to boost morale of American gunfodder. For an additional 9 grand, they would also license their shit to the Taliban but poor Taliban no Amrican dollor no afford.
Linkin Park 8-Bit Rebellion
The band released an iPhone game called 8-Bit Rebellion. This is actually the new album for 2010.
—A true Linkin Park fan
Linkin Park Fans
Linkin Park fans are of course the faggiest among faggotry. They are often just 13 year old boys or emo girls who live in the suburbs complaining about how their parents treat them unfairly and their life is horrible. And of course we all know having a horrible life ONLY MEANS that you have parents that don't constantly give you everything you want and makes you do homework? Each one of them plays the "my opinion card."
—A faggy 13 year old boy
Yeah I'm your fuckin' daddy now!
Chester Bennington was raised by a single father who was tricked some slut in to raising her whore baby. His father left his whore mom at the age of 10 because he wasn't gonna be cucked by some dumb slut... Then raised her bastard slut baby anyways! On top of being an unwanted bastard, Chester Bennington was also diddled as a kid (which is the only time in his life someone was willing to engage in sex with him without money). 4chan decided that it was unfair that Chester never know who his daddy was or have any videos to remember, so they decided e-slueth to find Chester's father and put together a compilation of the happy times that they spent together.
Some would argue, "this is litterally just some made up shit to troll friends, family, and fans who are mourning. To say that this is real is to spit in the memory of Chester", however you can just call whoever argues that in response a shill faggot then accuse them of being a pedo and covering up the truth.
On 20 July 2017 it was announced that front man Chester Bennington actually listened to a Linkin Park album and realizing what a sissy, emo voice he had and how big of a loser he really was, he became an hero by hanging himself.
It will probably be announced later, to avoid the emo stigma of suicide that Chester the molester was just trying to get a nut David Carradine style and accidently hanged himself while dressed up in his mother's bra and panties because it has been eons since he had any relevance and most of his original fans having already killed themselves, there were no more late teenagers who would be impressed enough to give up the ass for an autograph or who wouldn't just stand there and laugh in the face of a 45 year old man wearing a concert tee, leather jacket and sporting stretched ear lobes using the line, I used to be famous.
Not surprisingly, the world still moves on. It's not like he was David Bowie. Now there's someone who is missed.
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