Londonistan

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Big Brother has your back in London
London is a scary city

London is the terrifying capital of England and the United Kingdom. Considered by many to be the "Detroit" of Britain... just with less shootings and more stabbings, obviously. A gigantic metallic pot filled to the brim with bubbling hate, heated by the great fires of modernity and progress while its poor stricken inhabitants burn alive. Walk the city’s sultry streets and you will undoubtedly gaze upon some lurid act of depravity or violence, like a man in a chicken suit on his stag night mugging a pensioner so he can buy a new round of drinks, or a homeless man being sick on a dog.

Tall ominous buildings punctuate the skyline, packed with soulless businessmen having meetings about the next sleek way to vacuum money from the general populace’s wallets. Scour along London’s “sites” and you’ll find the few pathetic architectural attractions are blurred from vision due to the constant flashing of Japanese tourist’s cameras. Look towards the more seedier areas that consist of roughly 96% of London and you’ll find lovely people that are just happy to remove any valuable items you’re carrying to make walking feel light as a cloud, whilst the people actually running this whole mess spend the money you put into taxes on duck moats and porn.

On 6 August, the residents of Londonistan decided to have a party, after an upstanding citizen was shot to death by the police.


Geography[edit]

Everyone's looting there.
Welcome to London, property of Russia.

A sprawling metropolis, London is split into five distinct areas, and they are as follows:

Central[edit]

The mayor of London on a campaign photoshoot.
Moar Campaigning.

Notable Places:

Central London is a touristic paradise. Whether you desire boutique coffee houses, bustling markets or high fashion, London almost certainly has what you are looking for. At about a 400% markup of its actual value.

North[edit]

Notable Places

Wikipedia describes North London as being "The northern part of London, England". North London is also informally referred to as the "footballer quarter", due to its classy, nouveau riche inhabitants and their mighty overlords. The borough of Haringey in North London also has the highest heroin addiction rate per capita in the country. A delightful place with plenty for your kids to do, you too can live in North London for the bargain rate of just £1,000,000 per day for a studio shed with shared bathroom and no amenities.

East[edit]

Factettes of note:

  • Home of Jack the Ripper.
  • Was bombed by the Irish.
  • Was the area worst affected by the plague.

Historically the birthplace of women's rights in England, as well as the spiritual home of London prostitutes, East London has maintained its progressive duality throughout the ages, as noted by the popular British nature documentary series "The Eastenders". The glamorous world of the 1950's London gangsters was centred around the area, giving the East End of London its rich history and impeccably laid patio areas.

South[edit]

In Sarf Landan you can swap a knife for a bible. It is well known that anything south of the river is not truly London, but a pseudo-Londonite otherworld where the taxi prices are double and the people are Jamaican. Exclusively.

West[edit]

No good can come of travelling to West London. It's like Mumbai.

Economy[edit]

The National Soap Opera.

As the culturally diverse heart of Britain, the London economy relies on many things from many people:

  • Prostitution from Eastern Europeans
  • Cocaine from Colombia
  • 41% of a great fortune from an exiled member of the Nigerian Royal Family who has an urgent business proposal for you.
  • Weed from a one bedroomed flat in Dagenham that is uncomfortably humid at all times.
  • Heroin from Afghanistan.
  • Cheap labour from everywhere but London.

Dialect[edit]

Londonistan's other dialect.

London is one of the world's most cosmopolitan cities and this kind of bullshit and you'll find many languages spoken here. Indian, punjabi, laka laka, more indian, southern indian, and cow praising words. Unfortunately, traditional British English isn't generally one of them, but mockney comes awfully close.

An example of a conversation conducted in the London dialect:

"Hello there Dave you Dustbin Lid, how would you feel if I were to suggest that it were time for you to acquire us some Britneys?"

"Why did you kick my dog?"

"Well Giles, under normal circumstances I absolutely would however unfortunately I appear to be boracic, thus cannot partake."

"I, sir, feel aggrieved. If you do not immediately desist the vocalisations from your North and South I may be left with little choice but to forcibly impact your cobblers with either a part of my body or a blunt object."

"Good day to you sir. I'm off home to take my missus up the Aris."

"Good day."

"Hello to you sir, please to be looking. I will sell to you fish and chips for 3 quids? No? OK, how about 1 rupies please?"

A mockney, in all its glory.

Translations

  • Dustbin Lid = Yid or Tight Fisted Jew
  • Britneys = Britney Spears which rhymes with Beers
  • Boracic = Boracic Lint which rhymes with Skint which means Poor
  • North and South = A sort of rhyme for Mouth
  • Cobblers = Cobblers' Awls which rhymes with Balls or Testicles
  • Aris = short form of Aristotle which is rhyming slang for Bottle which is short for Bottle and glass which is rhyming slang for Arse

Tourism[edit]

Our Top 10 Things to See and Do[edit]

A trip to Trafalga-OH MY FUCKING GOD THEY'RE ON ME DAD, GET THEM OF OH GOD DAD PLEASE.
  1. Trafalgar Square: Depending on when you go, you can either look forward to hundreds of pigeons and all of their inherent bodily functions, or some guy with a hawk and a mad look in his eye. Either way, someone's about to steal your sammich and every statue you see is unrecognisable due to the years of pigeon crap, and they say that civic pride is dead.
  2. Happy Slapping: Hang outside McDonalds for the Happy Slapping experience. Remember, when asked for a "fag" or some spare change, the correct answer is "Bollocks off, you wanker!". Happy Slapping will commence thereafter and your souvenir video can be found on YouTube one business day later.
  3. Walking Tours: On any given weekend you'll be sure to find a protest march in London. You'll only need to do this once though, as every other protest is about getting the Jews out of Palestine, and repetition is the root of resistance.
  4. Being on "The Telly" as those cute little Britfags call it: one of over half a million CCTV cameras will have you under surveillance from the second you set foot on a London street until you leave. They will not, however, keep you from being assaulted by any soccer fan, chav, or "Bobby" who happens to walks by and hear you say something with an accent that is not the London one.
  5. Impromptu Public Executions. Have you ever yearned to see an innocent Brazilian gentleman gunned down whilst trying to catch the last train home? Then pop along to the nearest Underground Station for the chance to witness, or even fall victim to the rash actions of a genuine Scotland Yard Bobby.
    Please Note: The Public Execution Victim Package adheres to the Racial Equality Act of 1998 however regretfully due to events beyond our control, it is unlikely that a white man will be a successful applicant to have his shit wrecked by the people who are entrusted with protecting the public. We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause during your visit.
  6. Football matches: London has roughly 25 football (soccer) teams, and some of the fans are more enthusiastic than others. Wear an Arsenal shirt to a tottenham home game for a real taste of the friendly rivalry and lively nature of the teams' fans.
  7. Lose Yourself: They say that to find your way around any city you must get lost, and discovering London is a great way to spend a good 3/4 of your vacation. An indecipherable maze of streets, lanes, roads, drives, crescents, avenues and traffic circles that go randomly hither and yon, you'll have hours of fun trying to figure out how to get from A to Z. Also, why not buy an A to Z map and tell some of the Londoners you encounter about your cool new Ay to Zee.
  8. Ride The Tube. A high-adrenalin, underground, exploding roller-coaster ride of doom. Squeeze into the middle carriages for maximum contact with Italian sexual predators, teen mums and trash talking gangster wannabes. Don't forget to learn the points system and rules for the game "Spot the Terrorist", silently played with every other white person on the train and especially gripping while going through the Edgware Road station.
  9. Visit No.10 Downing Street, the home of the current Prime Minister of the united Kingdom. An Jew faggot who (quote) "looks like Tony Blair if he had a stroke". Whoever lives there, they are certain to be BFF with their American overlords.
  10. There are only 9 even vaguely good things to do in London, and that is a stretch. Number 10 is leaving London and never coming back.
Tl;Dr the kid turns out to be white at the end of the book.

Night Life[edit]

Stumble out onto the streets of London in the dead of night and experience the rainbow selection of piss ridden alcohol pits, just waiting to hoover up your cash and spit poison in your face. Drink yourself to death surrounded by crumbling hoarse voiced racists and drug dealers in your local pub, and end the session by taking a hard earned nap with your face in a urinal. Or perhaps you could shuffle through the depths of soho and experience some trendy clubs, smoky dense places overflowing with shallow eyed ugly young people, barely on the edge of consciousness as they bob soullessly to Dj Arsedribble’s new harrowing beats.

Getting Around[edit]

On Foot[edit]

Why not walk around London?

By Taxi[edit]

Licensed taxi drivers are recognizable by their classic black taxis. These gents are well versed in getting around Londonistan's complex layout having taken a test called The Knowledge. However, they really appreciate being alerted to new routes to destinations by passengers, especially if you are eating a take-out curry in the back of the cab at the time. When you find yourself dropped off in the middle of nowhere, you'll easily find a "gypsy cab", identifiable by the pungent aroma of body odour and rape, and a driver who doesn't speak English. Unless you are lucky enough to get into the taxi that is driven in a private capacity by Stephen FUCKING Fry. If you are a twink you may be able to arrange alternative payment methods.

The Underground[edit]

Map for your inner terrorist
It is delicious Citypasta

The London Underground, or, more commonly, The Tube (pronounced "choob") is a marvel of industrial engineering that transports roughly 3 million sexually inadequate Londoners to their low paying jobs, every day. The Tube is a transportational nightmare; the equivalent of being stuffed head first into a sardine can and sent careering down ancient, poorly maintained tunnels (including many built under the River Thames 200 years ago) at speeds that would challenge a test-pilot's mettle. The trains and stations (or "stops") themselves are claustrophobic, dilapidated, smell of urine and usually contain violent, drunken gangs of football hooligans who will beat you senseless for looking their way. If you're super lucky, you'll experience the worryingly common feat of someone falling onto the tracks. In this event, it's a tossup as to whether the electrified tracks will kill them or the speeding trains.

Most "stops" also come with the obligatory "busker", an underground drug addict sponsored by the government who you have to pay to stop your ears bleeding, whilst wandering aimlessly in the creepy, poorly labelled tunnels that could lead absolutely anywhere.

However, since the Transport & General Workers Union are prone to strike for super important issues, such as an extra 30 seconds on their tea break, you may as well forget about going anywhere by tube on an evening or weekend. Another little known fact is that the iconic tube map shown in all stations and trains is actually a picture of a plate of spaghetti, thus it is ED's wise opinion that you should probably just take a cab.

The Big Red London Bus[edit]

Not a shoop.

Most buses are now fitted with CCTV (like the rest of London) and screens showing a live feed to you can watch yourself whilst you are being blown up or stabbed. During the day, London buses are populated by benefit claimants and hooded youths playing music through the speakers on their phones. If you have the misfortune of catching a nightbus, you will see drunk white people shouting, fighting and vomiting on each other.

Driving Yourself[edit]

Whilst driving in Loldon please be aware of the following:

  • The Congestion Charge: Call a number, pay £9 ($150 in America monies) to sit in traffic, be late, go home, repeat. There's no use bitching, cos that's just the way it works.

*Bendy Busses: Please note, this also applies when walking in London. The feat of engineering, the super long bus with a bendy section in the middle is a wonder to behold and be killed by. A stunning feature of the traditional London Bus is that it veers off the road when turning, and thus crushes cars and pedestrians often. We think you'll agree that's what you look for in public transport. Bendy busses have been removed!

  • Bicycle Riders: They constantly die in London, and it's always the drivers fault.
  • Neverending Roundabouts: Some say they don't exist, but then how would we know otherwise?
  • 1mph Speed Limit: This is the blanket speed limit around London, and breaking it is likely to be fatal.

Terrorism[edit]

The Players[edit]

Are you ready to play "find the bomb"?
  • Omar Bakri Mohammed, whose daughter is a pole-dancer and rumoured prostitute, arrived in the UK as an asylum seeker but chose, rather than getting along with his fellow Brits, to create a social group in which they would discuss improvements and events that would benefit the country that so kindly allowed them to live amongst its true citizens. The social club, named Al-Muhajiroun, was banned, and Omar, or "Trevor" as he prefers to be called, was deported and settled in Lebanon. Unfortunately, genuine religious extremism made Trevor uncomfortable so he got down on his knees and took one from the British Government in exchange for being allowed to come home and live with his ugly wives.
  • Abu Hamza al-Masri, or Gimpy Eyed Nutter With The Hooks as he became known after losing both hands and an eye in Afghanistan. Preaches jihad from a London mosque. This, obviously, makes him more than qualified for a role as a villain.
A "draw your own bombable areas" terrorist map of London.
  • "Shoe Bomber", Richard Reid who invented you having to take your shoes off and put them in a plastic tray at the airport for the rest of your life. Like it isn't stressful enough travelling anywhere by giant flying metal petrol filled coffin.
London goes green!

The Events[edit]

  • There have been 25 major instances of terrorism in the past 28 years, one of which involved a lone gunman firing a bazooka at the MI5 building in 2005. He broke a window.
  • The Underground is despised so much that even people who don't even live in London hate it so intensely that they travel in from hundreds of miles away to blow it up; as on 7/7/2005.

The four soldiers of Allah who perpetrated the bombings, Mohammad Sidique Khan, Shehzad Tanweer, black person, and Hasib Hussain were all disillusioned young homosexual muslim males who committed an act of unbelievable violence, reportedly in joint protest against the Iraq War and the announcement that tube fares would be going up by almost forty pence.

Jews did 7/7

An eyewitness naturally published a book claiming that the entire bombing episode was as staged as an accidentally released sex tape. The 4th Bomb by Daniel Obachike claims that, just like during 9/11, the government was doing a training exercise at the same building, at the same time as the 'real' terrorist attack happened, and that the entire event was carefully staged to force the country to welcome infringements of their privacy in the name of protection, and to rush in controversial ID Card legislation. This is, of course, bullshit and purely a cynical attempt to cash in on some misery.

People of Note[edit]

Real People[edit]

Our beautiful singing sensation.
Another sweet and graceful British singer.

Representative EDiots[edit]

See Also[edit]

Londonistan.png

External Links[edit]


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