Mark Twain

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You'd think the guy could afford a damn comb.

Mark Twain (Powerword: Samuel Langhorne Clemens) was an American writer and master troll, paid weekly to fool an audience eager to hear about the wonders of the non-civilized world outside of Amurrica. He traveled around the world making up whatever shit he damn well pleased, getting hammered at every port. He later settled down and began writing novels, all of which were heavily edited by his wife. As a result, most of them are boring, preachy pieces of shit. He is also the undisputed author of the great American novel, "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn", which thanks to rampant postmodernism has been misinterpreted to oppose slavery and racism, as opposed to condoning it, as Twain intended.

Early Life

Twain was born in Hannibal, Missouri, and grew up captaining steamships, the 1800's equivalent to piloting airplanes. Twain quickly grew bored with transporting hundreds of souls safely up and down a treacherous river, and so with virtually no body of work and no real qualifications, he convinced a newspaper to pay for his fare around the world, ostensibly to document his travels. He quickly grew bored with this, and for the next year proceeded to go wherever the fuck he wanted, routinely drink lethal amounts of alcohol, and fuck any woman whose vagina had not been sewn shut. When it came time for an article to be sent back to the paper, he just made all sorts of shit up and threw in a few ethnic stereotypes for good measure. These dispatches were eagerly anticipated by his rabid fans, unknowingly becoming fans of lulz in their infancy.

Short Stories and Novels


In 1865, The New York Saturday Press published Twain's first work, a short story about a fucking frog that jumps or some shit. After that, his popularity soared (somehow), and soon other newspapers were clambering to get their hands on his hot, soon-to-be-globetrotting ass. His new job required that he first take a luxury steamer to Hawaii and write about his exploits there. Shit was so cash. After he churned out a few books on his pleasure trips, he grew bored with the glamorous life and decided to write real novels.

Twain's first top-selling book was "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer", a story about some redneck kids robbing old women. Twain modeled the titular character after himself as a child. Some argue that Twain got the name from a "jolly and flamboyant fireman named Tom Sawyer in San Francisco". Uh huh. After "Tom Sawyer", the Southern boy got cocky and thought he could go two for two. He published "The Prince and the Pauper", a cliche story about twincest and social commentary. As you might expect, his fans didn't like that so much and suggested he stick to racial slurs and fart jokes.

In 1884, "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" dropped on the world like an atomic bomb. It's more or less a carbon copy of "Tom Sawyer", except there's a hilarious side story about a nigger trying to escape an angry lynch mob. Besides, there's nothing wrong about a grown black man hanging out with a little white boy, right? Nevertheless, folks went nuts over the book throughout the 19th, 20th, and 21st centuries. Pretentious critics hailed it as "the Great American Novel", while rabid Conservative parents foamed at the mouth upon learning that their children might actually read a book that has black people in it! Oh noez!

Later Life

BFFS 4evs lol

In what is a death knell for any dramatician, Mark Twain was seduced and trapped into marriage by an ugly succubus. Sure enough, his ugly bitch wife kept him from smoking in his own house, nagged him to eliminate profanity from his writing, and encouraged his investment in numerous boondoggle projects which bankrupted him. His writing from this period is a muted and castrated shadow of it's former self. During this time he also adopted a decidedly anti-lulz approach to race relations. There is no debate as to where these views came from.

Luckily, in 1893, a friend of Twain's introduced him to industrialist H.H. Rogers. Known as "Hell Hound" on Wall Street, Rogers was fucking ruthless when it came to doing business; this was a man who had an all-out drama war over oil with John D. Rockefeller (and won). Needless to say, he knew what he was doing. Rogers helped manage and eventually solve Twain's financial fuck-ups, and the two became fast friends. They were known for enjoying mild profanity, practical jokes, cruising on Rogers' luxury yacht, and poker. Twain also liked to steal things from Rogers' house, including some books, his friend's slippers, and a ham.

Twain and Rogers were at a friend's home one day in 1894 when they were introduced to 16-year old Helen Keller. After meeting her, they discussed her unique qualities over a few drinks. One drunken stupor later, Twain had trolled Rogers into paying for her college education. What did Rogers get from all this? A dedication in some book she wrote. Gold-digging cunt.

His Legacy

All you need to know.

Quoting Mark Twain is one of the surest ways to betray your utter lack of anything approaching sentience. The quote being offered to bolster a faltering argument is almost always from a character of Twain's who share few if any traits with Twain himself, failing even to make an intelligible argument from authority. Even if the quoter were to somehow stumble upon a quote that actually represented Twain's feelings, they are still quoting a bankrupt, alcoholic, greedy nigger lover, and are therefore automatically wrong.

Up until very recently, some of his books like "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" were banned from school curricula because they dared to mention the word "nigger", even though they were written by a Southern man during the 1880's, you dumb cunts. Most of the butthurt generated from this came from retarded parents who believe their children should be as sheltered as possible.

Mark Twain also lent his namesake to a strain of pot. A lulzy move would be to write a paper on the pot strain instead of the author, and record any comments for posterity. Then again, if you take educational advice from this website, you deserve to be expelled anyway.

See Also