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Martin Shkreli

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Martin "Pharma Bro" Shkreli
Nationality: Albanian American  MiniflagUSA.png
Hometown: Brooklyn
Interests: Guitars, livestreams, killing faggots
Support for Harambe: Likely
Current whereabouts: Prison

Martin Shkreli (more like shekely amirite?) aka Pharma Bro is a Steve Buscemi impersonator best known for raising the price of a specialty AIDS medication by nine thousand percent. Daraprim is a somewhat antiquated drug that treats toxoplasmosis; it was approved by the FDA in the same year that Hulk Hogan was born. What the hell is toxoplasmosis? Toxoplasmosis is a disease caused by a parasite that spreads through cat shit. That means if you have no immune system because lol AIDS and your cat's litterbox smells like a meth lab, you probably need Daraprim because you have worms in your brain.

Shkreli had a plan to make money. The plan was cut and dry, completely legal. Find a drug with a niche market and no generic, buy all the rights to it, take measures to ensure you have no competition, and then change the price from $13 to $750 per pill. The best part? Government and insurance companies will be paying for it. Rich Uncle Pennybags salutes you.

Needless to say people got mad. And then a few years later, he went from "Pharma Bro" to "Karma Bro" when he got chucked in the slammer for a seven stretch due to some of his other profitable sidelines not managing to stay strictly on the right side of the law. The nation wept.


Aint my fault.png
Shkreli cunt.jpg

Today, Shkreli fancies himself a God-tier troll. He's got his dick out for Harambe, he's taking on those SJW pussies and he's all about that #MAGA. He even went on the Milo Yiannopoulos show. Fuck man, that's the whole nine yards. How do you feel about ethics in video game journalism?

To reach this point was a journey. Shkreli's first taste of fame came in the form of dozens of death threats, thousands of news articles calling him the most evil man alive, and about a million tweets calling him a piece of shit. His response: "aint my fault"

The heat eventually caught up with Shkreli and he set his Twitter to private, saying he would answer all questions in an upcoming news interview. Nothing really got answered and he turned his twitter back on about a month later.

Very smart people believe that Martin Shkreli just wants to be loved. When everyone hates you, who can you turn to for love? People who hate everything. Martin found that he had amassed a small following of trolls and suddenly evolved overnight from a gangsta-rap quoting brooklyn wigger to a dank meme spaghetti eating prankster.

Trolling Congress[edit]

Shrekli took his trolling IRL and raised the bar for everyone by pranking the shit out of the entire United States Congress. Shkreli stole a piece from Dave Chapelle's playbook and spent the entire time pleadin tha fif.


Before you give credit to Shrekli for that outstanding performance, keep in mind that the gray-haired suit whispering in his ear is his new Illuminati handler Benjamin Brafman, best known for representing Jay-Z and Puff Daddy whenever they steal a beat from real musicians. That man's calling the shots. Without his sage wisdom, Shkreli would have followed through with his promise to educate congress on how to make money in pharma, which would have undoubtedly been the greatest self pwn of all time.

Bernie Cuck[edit]

Before Shkreli became high energy, he was a Bernie cuck. Shkreli attempted to donate the maximum amount to the Bernie Sanders campaign. Once the campaign found out, they took his money and gave it to an AIDS clinic. Shkreli was initially pretty butthurt about this.

Shrekli feels the bern.png

After the emotions settled, Shkreli decided to pull a little prank and tell people he broke his wrist punching a wall out of rage. To prove this, he tweeted a stock photo x-ray of a fractured hand. Not many people took the bait, but the Australian Huffington Post did. Yes, Australian Huffington Post. Huff is bad enough as it is, but when you add petrol and shitposting abbos to the mix things can get a bit out of control.


I'm not just the heel of the music world. I want to be the world's heel


—Oh shit somebody call Vince McMahon

Martin Shkreli is the sole owner of only copy of Wu-Tang's unreleased double album "Once Upon a Time in Shaolin". He paid two million dollars for the album, and nobody under the age of 30 gives a shit. RZA of Wu-Tang claims that the sale was agreed upon before Shkreli hiked the price on Daraprim, and after finding out who he was they donated the proceeds to charity.

Wu-Tang talked some shit about Shkreli, and every Wu-Tang fan had their jimmies turned upside down when they found out they'd probably never get to hear the album. Shkreli threatened to destroy the album, and released a video with three juggalos telling Ghostface Killah to step off.

Pharma bro said that he would stream the unreleased album of slave songs if God Emperor Donald Trump won the presidency, and on November 9th, he kept true to his promise and streamed it on Parascope. It is a collaboration with Limpbizkit, lol.

Stolen Bitcoins[edit]

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Shkreli steps in to save a dying baby.

In an attempt to reignite the butthurt he got from Wu-Tang fans, Shkreli wanted to buy the rights to the new Kanye album for 15 million. Kanye ignored the bait but Shkreli seized on the prank opportunity and claimed to have sent someone named Duquon 15 million USD in bitcoins.

The crypto community quickly debunked this stating that there was no 15 million dollar transaction in the ledger but that didn't stop Shkreli from hunting down the elusive Satoshi for answers. Around this same time, someone stole Martin's credit card and used it to send him $1500 worth of anal lube. A kind gesture to someone who just got bilked for fifteen million.


Martin Shkreli is a new Magic the Gathering player. He made a reddit thread about it. Between this and Wu-Tang, it's apparent that Martin still thinks it's 2002. He also tweets Eminem tracks and probably owns a copy of Lyricists Lounge.

Buying 4chan[edit]

When 4chan's retarded nip owner finally realized that buying into a money-sink was a terrible investment, he appealed to the public saying that something needs to happen fast or 4chan will have to become a site filled with malicious pop-up and pop-under ads to pay the bills. Many people suggested deleting /pol/ to reduce bandwidth, but Martin Shkreli stepped in and offered to buy into the site in order to save that festering cancerous shithole of a board. Rumor has it that Martin Shkreli had about $20 in his bank account at the time of purchase, but promises big things with his plan of increasing pass prices by 5000%.

Shkreli 4chan plan.png

Meme Magic Money: How To Invest in Peepee Derivatives And Edge Futures

Jury selection[edit]

Excerpts from the transcription of the jury selection process (June 2017) for the trial of Martin Shkreli, facing eight counts of securities and wire fraud.

The court: “The purpose of jury selection is to ensure fairness and impartiality in this case. If you think that you could not be fair and impartial, it is your duty to tell me. All right. Juror No 1.”
Juror No 1: “I’m aware of the defendant and I hate him.”



Juror no. 10: The only thing I’d be impartial about is what prison this guy goes to.
The court: Okay. We will excuse you.



Juror no. 28: I don’t like this person at all. I just can’t understand why he would be so stupid as to take an antibiotic which H.I.V. people need and jack it up five thousand percent. I would honestly, like, seriously like to go over there —
The court: Sir, thank you.
Juror no. 28: Is he stupid or greedy? I can’t understand.
The court: We will excuse you.



Juror no. 40: I’m taking prescription medication. I would be upset if it went up by a thousand percent. I saw the testimony on TV to Congress and I saw his face on the news last night. By the time I came in and sat down and he turned around, I felt immediately I was biased.
The court: Sir, we are going to excuse you.



Juror No 47: “He’s the most hated man in America. In my opinion, he equates with Bernie Madoff with the drugs for pregnant women going from $15 to $750. My parents are in their 80s. They’re struggling to pay for their medication. My mother was telling me yesterday how my father’s cancer drug is $9,000 a month.”
The court: “The case is going to come before you on evidence that you must consider fairly and with an open mind.”
Juror No 47: “I would find that difficult.”



Juror No 52: “When I walked in here today, I looked at him, and in my head, that’s a snake – not knowing who he was. I just walked in and looked right at him and that’s a snake.”


Juror No 144: “I heard through the news of how the defendant changed the price of a pill by up-selling it. I heard he bought an album from the Wu-Tang Clan for a million dollars.”
The court: “The question is, have you heard anything that would affect your ability to decide this case with an open mind? Can you do that?”
Juror No 144: “I don’t think I can because he kind of looks like a dick.”



Juror No 59: “Your Honor, totally he is guilty and in no way can I let him slide out of anything because – ”
The court: “OK. Is that your attitude toward anyone charged with a crime who has not been proven guilty?”
Juror No 59: “It’s my attitude toward his entire demeanor, what he has done to people.”
The court: “All right. We are going to excuse you, sir.”
Juror No 59: “And he disrespected the Wu-Tang Clan.”



Juror no. 125: I’ve read extensively about Martin’s shameful past and his ripping off sick people and it hits close to me. I have a mother with epilepsy, a grandmother with Alzheimer’s, and a brother with multiple sclerosis. I think somebody that’s dealt in those things deserves to go to jail.
The court: Just to be clear, he’s not being charged with anything relating to the pricing of pharmaceuticals.
Juror no. 125: I understand that, but I already sense the man is guilty.
The court: Well, I’m going to excuse you.





Shkrelllllliiii About missing Pics
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See Also[edit]

Here, have a tissue to dry your eyes Martin. Cheap at $500.

External Links[edit]

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Featured article August 22 & 23 2016
Preceded by
A Scientologist's Guide to 4chan
Martin Shkreli Succeeded by
Cannibal Holocaust