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Maru

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Maru's birth

Maru (まる) is a demi-god. There are numerous stories about his birth, but the most accepted says that he was the unwanted result of the battle now known as Catnarok, the fight between Longcat and Tacgnol. This long-awaited cosmic battle had been foretold since the beginning of time. As the great gods of the ages had foretold, Catnarok was an inevitability, and neither man nor god had the ability to stop its occurence. On the chosen Caturday of 2006 the two competitors, Longcat bringer of light and shaven pussies, and Tacgnol, bringer of darkness and spreader of AIDS, finally met at the holy place of Catsgard, a mystical place even more sacred than Heaven. Angels began to sing and dark creatures began to roar as the two got closer and began to attack. The fight was incredibly intense, Longcat was using his special powers to bring shaven pussies from all over the universe to the place of the fight through a dimension gate, that squirted so much pussy juice over Tacgnol that he wasn't able to see anything. But Tacgnol was using his natural abilities - his natural color of black that raised sympathy towards him in niggers - and he teleported niggers with UZIs and AKs from the ghetto to Catsgard to fight for him.


   
 

Longcat and Tacgnol will meet at the chosen ground on Caturday and begin their long, sacred battle. This battle between light and darkness will endure for a thousand æons, but the passage of time will seem like just a few seconds. It will be an even match, a purrfect balance, so neither can fail. It will thus be a spectacular contest of godly proportions, as the world is cleansed of faggotry and AIDS
 


 
 

—unknown Norse author

When the holy battle had been going on for seven months, seven days, seven hours and seven minutes Longcat realized that neither of them could win the fight since their powers were too evenly balanced. Awakened to this fact Longcat prepared for a hyperspace jump to go back to the an endless universe, ending the struggle forever with no result, but Tacgnol didn't let him do that. He wanted to continue the fight until one of them had fallen, if needed until the end of time and so prevented Longcat from jumping out to the hyperspace. As the two collided at a speed somewhere in the region of that of light and power of a thousand supernova explosions, the ground was shaken and all the universe was filled with the sound of the gigantic clash. The two rose to the surface coming up in a peaceful suburban area of Los Angeles. As it would have been against the laws of the universe to let humans know about the existence of Longcat and Tacgnol, the two titans prepared for a final assault before they had to disappear. This attack happened in the billionth of a billionth of a billionth of a second but had a trillion times more energy than the entire universe has used sinced the beginning of time. A bizarre mixture of darkness and holy light projected onto the earth as the pair unleashed all their powers towards each other. These powers were so huge that both Longcat and Tacngol lost a very tiny part of their soul. As their energy merged with the parts of souls it give birth to a new holy creature, Maru. However Maru was unwanted but the two gods didn't have time to destroy him, since they needed to disappear. The remainder of the energy gave the newborn Maru an incredible speed, pushing him to the ground, penetrating the whole globe and ending up on the other side, in Japan.


Catbibble.jpg
An ancient chronicle on Maru's birth
Maru's birth has been predicted uncountable times since human documentation began

The early life of Maru

The sacred mountains in Japan where Maru ended up

At that time Maru was shapeless. He was just a bunch of energy and life. However as lost his speed and stopped the first thing he had seen was an ugly fat cat. Maru instantly copied the shape of it as a camouflage that protects him from the anger of Longcat and Tacngol. Since Maru was created by the powers of two gods, meaning he also had special powers. He could manipulate anybody to do whatever he wanted, and he could also fly and teleport. However, he couldn't enjoy his superpowers since he needed on the highest peaks of Japanese mountains to avoid found by either Longcat or Tacgnol. However the visit couldn't be prohibited. After 7 days 7 hours and 7 minutes Longcat has found Maru. Maru was afraid Longcat wanted to destroy him, but Longcat let him choose. He could choose either to face Longcat's anger or give up his superpowers. Poor Maru realized he didn't have a choice, since facing Loncgat would have lead to his total destruction. So he gave up his superpowers and therefore he was trapped in the body of a chubby, ugly cat. He was spending his days doing nothing and had to hunt in order not to die of hunger. This life was definitely not the one Maru wanted. But luckily, the change has soon come. In 2008 he jumped up to a truck while chasing a wild dick, that took him into a huge city. This was very new for Maru. He realised that people love him and give him food, and he doesn't need to do anything to survive, he can be as lazy as a rich arab shemale all day.

Maru choses an owner

Maru was looking for the purrfect owner, searching in vain all around town for literally days on end. He wanted someone rich and famous who could provide him the luxuriously comfortable lifestyle and delicious foods he believed himself due. This dream was not destined to come true. Tacgnol, who was still searching for Maru, found him seven months, seven days, six hours and seven minutes after he had met with Longcat. Maru had absolutely no special powers at that time so was forced to beat a hasty retreat, fleeing through the nearby open door of an unemployed Chinese vegetarian. This guy really liked Maru so kept him as a pet and he was thus snared, if he had left the house Tacgnol would have killed him. That's how Maru and his current owner met.

Maru nowadays

Maru has become an avarage pet cat. His nerd owner even created a YouTube channel for him, and keeps uploading videos of him doing pointless and stupid things, which some people consider as "funny". Poor Maru now is a demi-god who hasn't got any superpowers, meaning he is just like for example limecat.

Maru in his current form


   
 
Meuw meuwh meuwh mur mur purr hur muh meuw meuw meuw muhr murh purr
 

 
 

—Maru the most Gracious, the most Merciful







Maru's YouTube channel

Maru's youtube channel was created 4 years ago, and by now it has more than 168 million views and 222,000 subscribers. Videos featuring Maru have an average of 100,000 views each (people seem to be really boored) and he is mentioned often in print and televised media discussing Internet celebrities. And stupid humans suspect nothing about Maru the most gracious, the most merciful's real story. Here are some example videos.


Maru's Photos

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Maru's Art

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See Also

External Links


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Maru
is part of a series on
Internet Cats

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