Matt Crimmins

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Factcat seal of approval.gif This article is entirely factual.
Fact Cat knows this because of his learnings.


   
 
threads like this make me proud to be
a mechanic of the internet hate machine

 

 
 

WhiteMystery

According to Matt he is a "model"

Matt Crimmins aka MattGRAVE aka Corblo II aka Matticus666 aka Matt Ballinger (irl) is an 19-year-old McDonald's fry cook, goth fucktard, and aspiring baby-daddy of 17-year-old-girl FROSTBRAT aka FROSTBITE |A/p|. What you are about to read is a textbook example about what happens to conceited /b/-tards when they try to run shit on ED when they don't have a clue about what it's all about. He also likes to throw people's shirts on top of roofs for lulz.

Can't We All Just Get Along?[edit]

It was a slow day on Encyclopedia Dramatica's new ED Users mailing list, which is known as WhiteMystery's "less frightening and confusing IRC Chatroom". However it can never be predicted when the next lolcow will come along.

It all started with a fairly innocuous request for some wiki technical help from someone of no importance, which was promptly and helpfully answered. Then for seemingly no reason Matt Crimmins aka Matt Ballinger chimed in with the delightfully composed:



MattEmail.jpg





The Lulz Begin[edit]


   
 
Matt: Do us a favor and go impale yourself on a mascara brush.

* http://www.myspace.com/matt_is_jesus

 

 
 

Aghar

Matt's new loli Sarah, purely there to disprove Matt's homosexuality.

With great haste, the datamining began by a number of EDiots, various MySpace's [1][2][3] [4], Deviantart's [5][6] and vampirefreak [7] profiles were uncovered.LOOK AT HIS Xbox 360 gamertag. Nice Harry Potter game... faggot.

What can be gathered is that Matt:


Let's Make Babies[edit]

Bebeartwerkmatt.jpg

Claire's DavianTART page is completely devoid of artwork. In fact, it would be completely worthless if not for her journal entries, where we get to watch a stupid teenage girl drop out of school and get pregnant in just a few short paragraphs.

 
 
One day I'll be out of home, and not at school. I'll have a job, and Matt wont be mad at me... And we'll have a little boo and have out happily ever after...
 

 

Claire, making plans for the future



 
 
We will have our happy ending... Fate will always fuck with us... And we will always keep on pushing on... All that matters is me and you.. Boo will come...i know it...

I love you.

 

 

Matt, knows that their hearts will go on


13 days pass...

 
 
I eat. I sleep. And I have no real plans for my life. Every journal blog entry I make up ends up sounding emo. Mainly because I can express my happiness openly, but it's not exactly easy to let out your sad feelings without being called emo. Not to mention I hardly ever feel happy anyway--there's just nothing out there to make me constantly smile.

I'm bad luck.

 

 

Claire, giving up all hope for the future



 
 
Your not bad luck baby, and Boo is inside you spreading my good luck. He shares my gifts with you hunny...I love you.
Matt.

 

 

Matt, gonna be a daddy


Poorclaire.jpg


Reaction to this Article[edit]


   
 
Thanks guys, really..... nice work.

My only defense was the amount of vodka that was running through my system last night when i wrote the "<oi>" remark...
 


 
 

—Matt Crimmins

   
 
I don't mind the article at all. I know id do the same thing to anyone being a dick.
 

 
 

—Matt Crimmins


MattBLANKING`.jpg


Mattmolested.jpg


External Links[edit]

actually ... we do know




Gallery of an emo vampire[edit]

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Featured article December 28, 2007
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