Max Gogarty

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We measure success by how many people are talking about it
 

 
 

—Max Gogarty, August 2017

   
 
You are everything I hate about everything.
 

 
 

Finneyonthewing


Why the long face?

Max Gogarty once lived on top of a hill in North London. In between wearing Skinny Jeans and shitting himself, he got paid by national newspapers to write utter fucking tripe about his "gap year" from university, because his dad’s bigger than yours. He was then besieged by the entire internet until the newspaper that employed his dad (and hired Max) backed down out of sheer embarrassment.

He then disappeared from the internet for a decade... before resurfacing as the executive editor of a national BBC TV station.

Shitting Himself[edit]

God, what a cunt.

It was an unassuming February morning in 2008 when Max Gogarty strolled onto The Guardian webpage and announced that he was going to shit himself.

Max, a middle-class, spoilt fucker from Londonistan was off to travel Asia for a while. If by “Asia” we mean India and fucking Thailand and if for a while, we mean two whole months. Like any spoilt cunt of a teenager, he wanted to write a blog about it. Unlike any spoilt cunt of a teenager, he somehow landed a blog in an IRL British newspaper to tell us about his emo adventures taking a crap and fighting off snakes in the middle of a city. He now inserts used bloody tampons in his asshole to absorb his liquid shits. He claims they feel good and protect the flow.

What poor Max didn’t realise was that comments were turned on. Within hours, over 9000 well-meaning users of The Guardian’s Comment is Free board had scrambled to the board to register that they were slightly disappointed in the low quality of the article:

   
 
how marvellous i think im going to barf with excitement.
 

 
 

—johnnynashjr

   
 
He looks like a cliche, talks like a cliche, and is about to embark on a monumental cliche. This is a spoof, isn't it?
 

 
 

—No, Lameplanet. It’s not!

Unfortunately for Max and the snakes, Anonymous was present on the board that day and quickly realised that he was the son of a fucking travel writer for the same paper. So began the scouring of Max Gogarty and his shitty arse:

   
 
Max: "I'm doing India on my own." You goddamn heroic bastard. How exactly are you planning on "doing" a billion people?
 

 
 

—Cygnus

   
 
You all should be ashamed. Max hasn’t stopped shitting himself all morning
 

 
 

Maxmum

   
 
Still maybe we'll get a blog entry about Max waking up after a night in a Thai bar to discover that his kidneys are missing...
 

 
 

—- Scorf

Daddy Comes to the Rescue[edit]

The tsunami of hate, seeking Max.

Thankfully, the paper took the most logical response to dispel rumours of nepotism. They called in Max's fucking father to shout at everyone. No, rly. He (Username: Er, MaxDad) showed up to defend his son, begging the good people of Comment is Free to leave Max alone: "'Max won't be writing any more blogs, I thought I'd bring all those heroic internet warriors the good news. Max's trip (which he paid for himself I'm afraid - sorry) has got off to the worst possible start and he's feeling pretty grim You may like or dislike the blog, but the cruelty is shocking, if quintessentially British." Lulz.


   
 
The exposure is terrifying,' said Gogarty Snr. 'He's out in India on his own. We were all feeling upset at him going away anyway. But this...this tsunami of hate. We just cannot believe it. He is not an attention seeker. He is just bright and 19 and middle-class - and that's a crime in Britain.'
 

 
 

Then Max's dad took him to a seedy motel and sexually molested him for a few hours.

Wikinazis[edit]

The People turned to Wikipedia to inform them of the terrible injustice going on at Gogarty Headquarters, for the Jews there would uphold democracy, amirite?

IAMWRONG.

Some argue that the Gogartys petitioned Wikipedia to take down the offending page about Max because it would destroy his burgeoning career. ED has taken up the challenge to record Max’s adventures shitting himself in order to provide him with a back-up career.

The Future - Moar Incontinence[edit]

Max has two options: to take the noble route and become an hero or alternatively to keep using daddy’s influence to write mind-numbingly shit articles for a tidy sum. Either option will yield a fair amount of dysentery.

Or maybe, as The Guardian likes to make use of its own people, they will take the advice of one of the Comment is Free trolls:


   
 
In the same way that children who are caught smoking are made to smoke a whole packet to teach them a lesson, the Guardian should be made to go through with this, in the hope that it learns its own lesson. I suggest that the Guardian be required to publish:

1) a daily blog by Max, for the rest of his natural life

2) daily blogs by all his children thereafter

3) annual compilations (in hardback) of the best of Max’s entries, together with the best of the comments, in time for the Christmas market.
 


 
 

There will be MOAR on this article when Max returns from India all shat out from his fights with snakes and nigras.

Chemsex[edit]

You can't keep a good man down. You also can't keep down rotten food. We'll leave it to you to decide which of the two applies in this case.

In 2015 it was revealed that Master Gogarty had somehow winkled his way into the orbit of VICE magazine. How on earth did that happen, eh? The editor is baffled. Anyways. He used this connection to act as co-producer on an indy film called 'Chemsex'. This refers to the phenomenon of people (mainly homos) screwing while out of their minds on drugs. The fact that this goes on has only been known by all drugs users, ever, since the dawn of time. But in 2015, the old media suddenly discovered it and went full puritan on everyone's ass, thinking it the most shocking depravity since the last shocking depravity.

Accordingly, Max and his fellow cokehead faggot William Fairman decided there was money in it and made a film. The irony is that the profits from the movie (if there were any) will have gone to fund precisely the thing it was 'exposing'.

And now...[edit]

... the punchline.

   
 
We have a new guy working with us at the moment, Max Gogarty
 

 
 

—Damian Kavanagh, Digital Controller, BBC Three TV, (June 26, 2015)

Later that same year, Master Gogarty jumped sideways from VICE to the BBC, where he inexplicably landed a new job (archived: Archive today-ico.png 1 Wayback Machine Favicon.jpg 2). Within one calendar year, he had been promoted to BBC Three Content Editor (archived: Archive today-ico.png 1 Wayback Machine Favicon.jpg 2). And the year after that, Max became Executive Editor of BBC Three! (Archived: Archive today-ico.png 1 Wayback Machine Favicon.jpg 2)

The only possible explanation is that the guy must be incredibly talented.

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